Chris Harrison says the words 'nut sack'
The contestants were ecstatic to learn that the week's challenge was somewhere other than their Padded Prison, and most were equally pleased to learn the theme of the challenge: human hot fudge sundaes. Part obstacle course, part relay race, part delicious dessert, the challenge determined which couple would win immunity, and which would return home to lick their wounds/hot fudge topping.
But here was the twist: Instead of competing against their usual partners, everyone was shuffled to the person next to them! Catastrophe! Avowed enemies Kalon and Erica Rose were paired, setting up Kalon for one of his nefarious quips -- about how Erica Rose should be great at this challenge, because she'll just eat her way through it, nom nom nom.
The girls were the first to swim through a pool of foamy ice cream, slip down a slide of fudge, army-crawl through whipped cream, cover themselves with nuts, climb into a burlap sack, and hop their way to their partners, who then did it in reverse. Michael and David the Super Fan made it to the cherry on top in an exciting photo finish, but David won the challenge "by a nose." Meanwhile, Ed again demonstrated how spectacularly he can lose by not even finishing the race, despite a significant head start thanks to partner Jaime.
So Ed and Jamie both had a vote against them going into the competition, and David and Rachel, his partner, were safe. Good for David-- there's no way he would have made it past this week otherwise. (He and his Super Fan ilk are not well-regarded around these parts.)
A postpubescent prom
For the second time this season, David got to pick out a few gals to take on a dream date. And wow, did he choose poorly. Blakeley got to go, which was no surprise because she had thrown him a bone last episode by choosing him for a date. Erica Rose was next up -- yes, the same one who called David ugly and told him that she'd make his life a living hell. Then David called up Jaime, who is Blakeley's archenemy. (Remember, she's trying to "steal" Blakeley's partner, Yucky Chris.)
And oh, gee -- the quartet pitches up at a classic high school prom, complete with a live band (country's Katie Armiger), balloons, and a cheesy photo booth, but missing all the high-schoolers. Neat-o? The girls, who got to play dress-up in sparkly outfits, were into it, but the whole thing came off kind of sad and creepy. The four postpubescents did some awkward circle dancing, in between bouts of scheming and bickering.
David gave Jaime the rose, because he obviously has a crush on her. Bad move, David – you've now activated the psycho terminating machine that Blakely becomes when her feelings are hurt.
Reid twists the knife
Last week Reid caused serious drama by trying to stage a last-minute coup against Ed, all because he lost to Ed on "The Bachelorette" like 100 years ago. But he failed, and this week he was majorly worried that the whole thing would blow up in his face.
Instead of lying low, Reid decided to go on the offensive by spinning a web of lies for Ed, trying to convince him that they're friends and that Reid didn't have anything to do with last week's unexpected conspiracy. Surprisingly, Ed bought it, telling the camera that he's happy to have a friend like Reid.
Shortly afterward, the house devolved into the season's second drunken orgy. (This group is doing us proud.) Ed hoisted Jaclyn on his back and carried her, caveman-style, to his bed, eliciting raised eyebrows all around. Strange, guttural animal noises echoed across the house -- strikingly similar to the ones heard when Ed drunkenly hooked up with Sarah. Maybe a little less coyote, a little more gorilla this time. If ABC abandons you, Ed, "Animal Planet" will surely welcome you with open arms.
Waxy is the new sexy
Rachel picked Nick, Tony (yeah, we forgot about them, too), and boy toy Michael for her date. The group arrived at a Madame Tussauds wax museum and cavorted with wax figures of people that they wished they were as famous as. They soon stumbled across a wax figure of Chris Harrison, who -- YIKES! -- was not a wax figure! He was the actual Chris Harrison, heavily made up and sprayed with latex. What a scare!
Chris revealed that the group would be getting a full wax figure treatment -- hair, makeup, and latex -- in order to scare unsuspecting "Bachelor/ette" fans touring the museum. It was all good fun until poor Tony got called "a nicer word for pathetic" by a fan. As he put it, "Ouch." Still, this was by far a better date than the sad faux-prom.
Rachel awarded Michael the rose, of course, and he was stoked because it was a "romantic move, not a strategic move." They got to spend the next little while together (amid the wax figurines), cuddling and assuring each other of their mutual attraction. Michael was in his element, telling Rachel, "I'm not going anywhere." One million girls across the nation simultaneously began to hate Rachel.
Ouches all around
Back at the house, Jamie decided it was prime time to make her move on Yucky Chris, after having used her spider senses to deduce that things were not all peachy between Chris and Blakeley. Unfortunately, her observational powers did not extend to noticing that Chris wants nothing to do with her. She found out the hard way -- Chris handily blew her off with the actual words "It's not you, it's me." She was crushed, because she "just wants to fall in love on TV and show [her] kids." If she does manage to reproduce, that is.
The next day, Reid continued his sneaky plan to try to get Ed, who still thought Reid was his best friend, voted out of the house. Sarah betrayed Reid by revealing his plan to Ed, who was devastated for a few moments before becoming furious and vowing to "smash" Reid. Ed hasn't had the most impressive physical prowess recently, but anything's possible.
Ed chose to confront Reid in the hot tub later that night in front of Erica Rose and Jaclyn. Reid knew that he'd been found out, but wimpily continued to try to cover his deceit. It dawned on him that he's in deep trouble.
'Let the craziness begin'Phew. Again, the preceremony conniving was amazingly convoluted. Let's break it down:
- Erica Rose decided to lead a group of "underdogs" to overtake who she views as the popular kids. If she succeeds, will she feel better about high school? Ironically, her underdog group included both David and Donna, the two remaining fans, who had previously disgusted her to no end merely by existing.
- Blakely was incredibly nervous about being voted off, because she "needs the money." She looked for protection from Yucky Chris, which is always a terrible idea because he mostly views her as a giant annoyance. He, Tony, and Michael assured her that she has nothing to worry about.
- Michael revealed that all the guys decided to vote for Donna, because she's a Super Fan and it'll be easy to boot her off. Erica Rose tries to save Donna by getting Kalon and Lindzi (where has Lindzi been? Has Kalon locked her in a closet?) to change their minds. Of course, Kalon was just telling everyone what they wanted to hear. He relished being the swing vote, because he could "watch lives crumble before [his] eyes." Is he going for an evil one-liner record?
- Donna decided it was "crazy" that she was facing elimination without having hooked up with anyone, so she played some last-minute tonsil hockey with Nick (oh, hi Nick!).
- Basically, it was down to Donna and Blakeley for the girls, with Kalon as the swing vote.
- Reid was still plotting against Ed, and tried to get Jaclyn on his side by telling her he'd be her replacement partner after Ed was gone. This backfired on him big time, because Jaclyn clearly has a big crush on Ed. Jaclyn went right to Ed with this new evidence of his friend's betrayal, and she vowed, "I'm going to make sure every girl in this house votes off Reid tonight."
- Ed sat down with Reid to bicker for a while, but they didn't reach any new conclusions. Everyone knows Reid has a prehistoric grudge against Ed because Ed won "The Bachelorette," but Reid continued to deny it.
- Sarah somehow ended up as the swing vote between Reid and Ed. Although she liked Ed better, Reid was a "leader," which is what she wanted in the house. She struggled to sort out the complicated process of logical thought.
The Rose Ceremony
Human hot fudge sundaes Rachel and David got to hand out the roses in the tensest Rose Ceremony this season. Blakeley was called, which meant poor doe-eyed Donna was sent home. Then, this shocker: Reid, not Ed, was sent packing.
This is the second time that Ed has outlasted Reid on reality TV -- and Reid was seriously crushed. But it's good to see him go. The deceit and manipulation he inflicted on his friend was a bit much, even for "The Bachelor Pad."
Donna, of course, was sad to leave. "I had the timeof my life in this house," she said. "When I'm not around in my bikini they're going to be pissed."
"I definitely feel like a pretty big loser right now," said Reid.
And you look like one, too.
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