Anticipation is building for the dramatic season finale of "The Bachelorette," and Emily's snubbed men came together this week to take one last gander at Emily -- and to prolong their "fame" for another three or four minutes. The lovelorn contestants didn't disappoint; they bickered, postured, and even gave us a few more reasons to hate Kalon.
In a pretaped reel, Emily set up the season's two villains for us: Ryan, who made a good first impression but put his giant, masochistic foot in his mouth a few too many times; and Kalon, who landed at the first cocktail party in a helicopter and incurred Emily's wrath by referring to her daughter Ricki as "baggage."
She also touched on a few other standout contestants: Doug, who waited to kiss her until the moment she was breaking up with him (awkward); and Travis, "the Egg Guy," who made her sing lullabies to the ostrich egg he had brought along, which represented their child together (and, lest you forget, was named Shelly). "That was not one of my proudest moments," Emily acknowledged. Chris Harrison took a moment to call out contestant Chris's awful polka dancing which, although terrible, has to be one of the least offensive things about him.
Before we met the men anew, we were force-fed an extended preview of the next season of "The Bachelor Pad," which, as usual, promises to be simultaneously the best and worst thing on TV this summer. Kalon and Chris, two of the resident megalomaniacs of this season, will be in insidious attendance.
Back in the studio, the men were introduced and promptly delved into their man-drama. No surprises here: Everybody hates Kalon and Ryan, Chris is an immature jerk, and Doug is all brawn, zero brains. The men ganged up for a while on Ryan, making sure he knew just how much they had all hated him behind his back.
Kalon of the ego-bruising helicopter entrance was up next for evisceration. These dudes were still not over the chopper incident. Not one bit. The feelings of emasculation and inadequacy were so fresh.
Kalon's hot seat
Kalon has the honor of being the most universally reviled man on television (or in 'Bachelor'-speak, "one of the most controversial men of the season") and thus was the first to take Chris Harrison's hot seat. Kalon didn't make it quite as far as Courtney, last season's villain (wow, did she really win?), but he went far enough to rack up some serious beef with the other men, and with America.
Kalon slithered onto the stage and smarmily tried to deflect Chris Harrison's jabs while the other men scoffed at him from a distance. "I guess my humor is wasted on a lot of people," Kalon said, handily dismissing all accusations against him. When Chris Harrison brought up his infamous "baggage" comment, he transferred the blame to ... us? "For some reason, everyone in America likes things sugar-coated," he said.
Sean continued his bid for Golden Boy of the Universe by retorting, "I don't have a child, but I don't need one to know that that's uncalled for. If you truly want to win a woman's heart and ultimately find love, you love the woman and embrace every part of her. Part of Emily is Ricki." Panties across the country dropped, and Kalon was forced to bite his forked tongue.
Ryan's hot seat
Kalon's sliminess made even Ryan look good, despite Ryan's best efforts to steal his Most Controversial crown. Ryan, you get the Worst Spray Tan award instead.
Ryan, author of the spectacular "trophy wife" gaffes and the unforgettable "I won't love you if you gain weight" comment, endured the expected battering by the other men, including an accusation by fellow contestant Chris that Ryan didn't really ever intend to propose to Emily. Ryan confirmed our worst fears by admitting that he'd really been conspiring to become the next Bachelor. Luckily, Chris Harrison rushed to assure America that ABC will not, under any circumstances, let that happen. Phew.
Chris Harrison, whose disgust for Ryan was comically palpable, asked, "Is there a possibility that you might just be an arrogant ass?"
"No," said Ryan, and proceeded to prove himself wrong five times over.
Chris's hot seat
Chris fell hard for Emily, and he will never let us forget it. He was shocked when he was sent packing right after the hometown dates, but he made it impossible for anyone to feel sorry for him when he acted belligerent and classless. (Chris -- you'll fit right in on "Bachelor Pad.")
Chris tried to salvage his reputation by crying a little bit on the hot seat and attributing his hostility to the "110%" love he has for Emily. "When there's something that I really believe in, I'll do anything in the world to fight for it," he said. "We're here today; we could be gone tomorrow," he added somberly, putting fortune cookies everywhere to shame.
Chris's sad, spurned lover act almost succeeded in concealing the douchiness at his core, but unfortunately for Chris, he was followed in the hot seat by Sean, whose strength, sensitivity, and heavenly glow immediately burned the memory of Chris out of our minds.
Sean's hot seat
Americans everywhere swooned into their wineglasses when Sean took the hot seat, looking as wholesome and handsome as ever. We were reminded of his heartbreaking goodbye to Emily, and the constant stream of platitudes that Emily spewed as she tried in vain to muster feelings of love for him.
Sean took a moment to relive the misery of his departure and admitted that he still struggles with feelings of inadequacy. "She's opened my eyes and showed me what I want out of life," he said, batting his translucent eyelashes. "Hopefully, she comes around sooner than later." Aw, he still has hope! Cute move, Sean, but be careful not piss off America, your replacement girlfriend. We see a future Bachelor in the making.
The men gave their goddess a standing ovation when she glided onto the stage, beaming beatifically. She greeted them all, and made sure to give Sean special attention. She told Sean, "I want you to know that I watched the episode and sat in my room and did the ugly ugly ugly cry." She assured him that she had been sincere all along, and he assured her that he had never doubted her for a second.
The next highlight was her inevitable confrontation with the Kalon the Reptile, who rushed to say, "I'm sorry for how things went down between us, but I'm trying to use it as a growing experience." But Emily would have none of it. "You, my dear, should be a politician, because that's the biggest load of s**t I've ever heard." She proceeded to tear him a new one, calling him out for insulting her two days prior on Twitter and then posting "sorry I'm not sorry" after receiving backlash. The moment was truly delicious, and it gave us another glimpse of the serious guts we've suspected Emily had all along. Kalon was cowed and could only mumble, "I guess I'm flattered you follow me on Twitter."
Emily then turned her attention to Ryan, who was compulsively doing that half-wink, half-twitch thing with his eye. Even though she'd just revealed a proclivity for squashing men like bugs, she chose to inflate Ryan's ego even further by complimenting his body and his smooth, sweet-talking abilities. Ugh. We'll never get it.
The episode closed with a heartwarming showcase of Emily's relationships with her two remaining suitors: Sexy Arie, who makes her melt, and Edgy Jef, who "gets her." Far more interesting was the outtake that rolled over the credits: Emily with her guard down, gushing about her love for cat videos to Chris Harrison. We like her a little more now.
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