Based on the red carpet reactions of the roasters and attendees, everyone on the Sony Studios lot on September 10 expected ugliness or another epic meltdown at the "Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen." Mixed in with the profanity and sexual innuendos, however, were a few heartfelt testimonials and these PG-13 zingers:
Roast Master Seth MacFarlane on Charlie Sheen's tabloid headlines
"Tonight, on 'Two and a Half Men,' they are actually having Charlie's pretend funeral. There's no need to switch over, though, because in a couple of months, you probably can see the real thing."
"We all know there is a good chance that Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary. 'Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment.' Actually, you know what, I kind of copied Amy Winehouse's obituary. I only changed three things -- the sex of the deceased, the location of the body and the part that says 'A talent that will be missed.'"
Seth MacFarlane on Sheen's lifestyle choices
"Charlie leads a wild and extravagant lifestyle. Last year, he was arrested for trashing a Plaza Hotel suite where he was staying and was billed $7,000 by the hotel. There was really only $60 worth of damages, but Charlie also had a jar of cashews from the mini-bar."
"Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you, Charlie, I think she is lying because I saw the scene where you got arrested in 'Wall Street,' and you can't even make yourself cry."
Jon Lovitz on his friendship with Charlie Sheen
"Unlike all you people on this dais, I actually know Charlie...and I'm famous. He's my friend. I've known him for about 18 years, and I can tell you, he's nothing like the character he plays on 'TMZ.'"
Lovitz on Sheen's reported drug abuse
"How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men. I'm kidding; the man is misunderstood. Eight balls of heroin for breakfast? Bad for you or, as Charlie sees it, the most important meal of the day."
Kate Walsh from "Private Practice" on Sheen's medical condition
"I have to say, Charlie, that you are an incredible medical specimen. I guess that's one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack. Charlie was making $1.8 million an episode; he had so much money that he was having a hospital rushed to him."
"Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you had removed is your kids."
Comedian Jeffrey Ross on the lack of star power on the dais
"Friends, roasters, enablers! Lend Mike Tyson your ears because this line-up is so pathetic that I was hoping I would get replaced by Ashton Kutcher. What a bunch of nobodies we are left with. Is this a roast or the Republican primaries?"
Jeffrey Ross on Sheen's domestic problems
"Charlie, if you are winning, then this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns. Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 Steps?"
"You're the black sheep of a family that is responsible for three 'Mighty Ducks' movies. You make your own father ashamed that he shares the same fake name as you. Charlie, you should be a-sheened of yourself. Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez said they would have been here tonight, but they had a family obligation."
Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson on the similarity of Seth MacFarlane's "Family Guy" and "The Simpsons"
"You know, in a very dark period of my life, I found inspiration in reading the epic poem 'The Iliad.' So see, Seth, you aren't the first person to get by from taking ideas from Homer."
Comedian Amy Schumer on Sheen's career path
"Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you are just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the '80s and now your old slot is being filled with Ashton Kutcher."
William Shatner offering career advice to Charlie Sheen
"I heard they were doing a roast and what a thrill it was to find out that you weren't dead. I thought what a great, great opportunity to offer this young Mexican a bit of fatherly advice that he so clearly hasn't been getting."
"Look, Carlos, I've had my share of wild times with the senioritas. I've had sex in space with green women. Sure, you've had sex with the blue women because, unlike you, they couldn't handle the drugs. You don't need that kind of press, Charlie. In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity, I had to do something drastic like kiss a black girl. Or let an Asian drive."
The "Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen" airs Monday, September 19 at 10 p.m. ET/PT
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