It’s never a good sign when the host of a reality competition series kicks off an episode by promising an “agonizing” hour ahead, but hey, Mario Lopez just reads what’s on the teleprompter, okay? If some X Factor production assistant tells him to promise a performance by “the sensational Ke$ha,” then don’t expect him to improvise a more accurate adjective. (Although, while we’re on the subject, “tragic,” “Auto-tuned,” “terrifying” or “possibly unshowered” would’ve been outstanding substitutes.)
But hey…let’s not come down too hard on Mario and Khloe (couple name: KarPezDiem): We’ll have another two weeks to flog them in the public blogosphere. Instead, let’s talk about which four Season 2 acts are advancing to next week’s semifinals. Or rather, which two are not…
The act with the lowest number of votes and automatically headed home…CeCe Frey! What will CeCe miss most about X Factor? “ME!” screamed Demi Lovato. Alrighty then! I’d report on CeCe’s parting comments, but they started out with “I hope I taught everyone at home…” and then I tuned out and started Mad-Libbing possible ways to end the sentence.
* …how to make it look like there’s leopard-shaped mildew exploding on your left temple.
* …how to use an army of backup dancers, seizure-inducing lights, and a “overcoming the odds and tearing down your ‘walls’” backstory to distract from your atonal singing.
* …that I’ll be a force to be reckoned with on Season 1 of Bravo’s Project Facepaint.
And then there were five…
Sent to Safety (in no particular order)
Carly Rose Sonenclar
Fifth Harmony: Did not rent or borrow Mariah Carey’s “Any Time You Need a Friend,” but rather, owned it. Even “other girls” Ally and Normani killed their solos.
Diamond White: Shrieked like a car in need of new brakes while (very likely) fighting back tears on “I Hope You Dance.” I vowed to send a strongly worded Tweet to any mentor (other than her own) who voted to oust Fifth Harmony.
Simon: sending home Diamond White
Britney: sending home Fifth Harmony
L.A.: sending home Diamond White
Demi: sending home Diamond White
Correct! And after Fifth Harmony collectively attempted to smother Diamond with their weaves, it was time to reveal…
The Official Leaderboard
4. Fifth Harmony
2. Carly Rose Sonenclar
1. Tate Stevens
Simon isn’t worried. He still thinks he can win this thing! Let’s hope it’s not with Emblem3.
In other news, Melanie Amaro performed a song that was 43% better than her leadoff single — was that really called “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now”? — but was nevertheless pretty forgettable. A $5 million prize, and they couldn’t have shelled out for some better hooks? Come ON! Maybe if Melanie sacrifices her soul on the altar of Sony X headphones — like all the Season 2 contestants were forced to do — Santa will find room on the Hot 100 for her next to Ke$ha’s “C’mon.” Come ON!
What did you think of Top 6 results night? Who is most likely to win the whole enchilada? Sound off in the comments, and for all my X Factor news, interviews and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!