Equal and Opposite
Updated 2008-10-09 09:48:09
Last week on Private Practice , Addison and Naomi got in a huge fight about questionable medical ethics. Violet realized her back-up boyfriend Cooper was cheating on her. And the practice was in financial jeopardy, forcing Sam to take over the practice, and Naomi is pee-issed. There was something else, too. What was it? Oh, right. Dell quit because everyone forgot about him.
Addison calls Naomi in a split screen. Naomi hangs up on her. Addison calls Sam in a split screen. He hangs up on Addison and calls Naomi in another split screen. Sam gets hung up on by Naomi in yet another split screen shot. Sam calls Addison in a split screen shot. And just when I am about to toss my cookies because of the rapid-paced scene cutting, there is a gross and gratuitous early morning sex scene between what's-his-name and what's-her-name. Cooper and Charlotte. Despite laying new ground rules last week, Charlotte still won't eat lunch in public with him. He gets up to leave for "Violet's Secret Meeting." They are playing "Shake it Up" by The Cars as they cut from scene to scene. Yay for The Cars! Boo for seizure-inducing editing.
Violet, Naomi and Tim Daly are in the conference room at the Wellness Center, staring at a board filled with color-coded dots. Violet is bemoaning the profit-oriented nature of the practice as opposed to the patient-oriented practice of yore. Yore being yesterday, of course. Unilateral decision-making and the executive physicals and the hot temp (instead of Dell) are just symptoms of Sam's crass leadership. Speaking of Sam, he and Addison have just walked in and witnessed the secret meeting in progress. They seem rather nonplussed about the fact that half the firm is having a secret staff meeting. Naomi comes out of the meeting and says hello. They are shocked, and Naomi informs them that while she is not talking to them personally, she is talking to them professionally. How mature. Er... maybe. When Sam and Addison walk into the conference room, Violet accosts Sam about his scheduling board calling it a "Board of Shame" for those not booking enough clients. Everyone rolls their eyes at this. Sam was just trying to keep track of scheduling now that Dell is gone. Dell? Dell? Who is this Dell?
Violet and Addison squabble uninterestingly over The Board. Sam explains that The Board helps him figure out who is available for what. For example, Pete is free all day and can thus help with the money-producing executive physicals. I'm not an executive, but I am so glad that TWoP does not require us to get physicals before beginning work. It'd be a melee of lethargy, caffeine addiction, myopia and carpal tunnel. Not a pretty sight! Pete jumps up and fills in his entire column with dots. He isn't making up clients, either -- no, he's helping the practice by de-fatting rich people with some new-fangled contraption. Violet storms out in protest over making a profit. I must say that other people's administrative meetings are not that interesting to watch.
Cooper is fiddling with his computer (not a euphemism) when Violet stomps in complaining that she can't take it anymore. She passive-aggressively snerts at Cooper for not coming to her secret meeting and then leans forward all therapeutically and tells him that if there is something he wants to tell her, he can tell her. Cooper doesn't take the bait. Violet shrugs.
And now for today's medical moment. A young blondish couple is desperate to get pregnant. They've been married for five years after meeting in junior high, where they were insta-friends. Same interests, same allergies, magic! They were -- and are! -- each other's best friend. Naomi and Addison, who are doing the intake shift nervously in their seats at the mere mention of "best friends." The young couple, Ryan and Lisa, has already decorated the nursery, they just need the baby. They beg and grovel, and Naomi and Addison agree to bless them with child. I find it so odd how frequently their patients have to beg these two. Addison and Naomi head out to prepare to beget a child. Naomi is still not talking to Addison, and Addison just can't believe it. Addison attempts to lure Naomi into a conversation by admitting that the cop that she went on a date with last week still hasn't called. Of course he hasn't called -- he's in Star's Hollow with Rory and Lorelei! Der! Naomi tells Addison that she will take Lisa if Addison takes Ryan and walks off.
Sam is talking to the doctor from Everwood who isn't Treat Williams. He runs the company for which Sam is doing all the executive physicals. At first the guy, Charlie, thought it was a load of hooey (is that how you spell that?) but he trusts Sam because Sam has always taken such great care of his son, who has apparently been through a lot. Sam and the guy talk about his son, Kirk, and he has been fighting a terminal but treatable illness since he was 12. Now he's 17, and he won't take his meds. If his mother was still around... On cue they hear a crash. It's Kirk. He has collapsed and is in respiratory distress. Good thing he was already in the doctor's office!
Addison and Naomi have the results of the best friend quiz they filled out in the back of "YM." Addison wants Naomi to take a gander. Naomi doesn't see any markers for Downs Syndrome or Tay Sachs, and the couple looks like healthy young people. Addison hits a button on the computer that reveals that Ryan and Lisa have more in common than a love of puppies and a hatred of peanuts. They are brother and sister. Ew.
Violet is mocking Pete while he unpacks his de-fatting machine. Instead of helping him move the unwieldy equipment into his office, she launches into a screed about how the practice used to be about helping the mind, body and spirit and now it's just about fat. Pete doesn't understand her outrage. The machine can help. Violet protests that it's just hamburger, when their clients are used to steak. Pete points out that a lot of people like hamburger. Violet stares meaningfully at the de-fatting machine.
Sam and Charlie stare at Kirk, who is now at St. Ambrose hospital and on a ventilator. Sam tells Charlie that Kirk is going to need a lot of intervention. The dad is willing to do whatever it takes to keep his son healthy. He can't risk losing him, too. At that, Kirk wakes up and in one move pulls out his breathing tube. With blood dripping out of his mouth he tells his dad and Sam that he doesn't want to go through this all again. The Dad insists that Sam put the tube back in. Kirk begs him not to. He knows he's getting worse, and next it will be tracheotomies and he can't do it. The dad insists on intubation, but Sam wants to give the kid a break and just puts an oxygen mask on him. Kirk begs to die and Sam looks chagrined.
Addison and Naomi are trying to figure out how this could happen. They come to the conclusion that both Ryan's and Lisa's moms used the same sperm donor. L.A. was apparently a dry county at one point, and the doctors used the same sperm bank that used the same batch of donors. This may seem far-fetched, but I know for a fact that a certain sperm bank in a certain small Washington state town used the same donor over and over and over again. Don't ask me how I know this, but I do. Small towns do the darnedest things! Addison and Naomi squawk some more and then get down to the business of breaking the ooky news to the couple. They call in Violet to give her deft therapeutic advice. The three women are not looking forward to telling the young couple in love that they can never be together. Addison sighs a lot.
Cooper is cold-calling clients in order to drum up business. Violet asks him to lunch, but he is already booked with "a friend." Violet calls him out on this malarkey. She knows he is lying to her, and he knows he is lying to her. It's all too ridiculous. She storms out. What, Cooper doesn't have friends? Huh. He seems affable enough. Meanwhile Pete has de-fatted his first client. She feels lighter already. He reminds her to stick with her diet, exercise and herbs. She thinks that sounds like a lot of work, so she's just going to come back every day. Pete feels his soul rending in two. He wanders in to the kitchen for coffee where he finds Sam. They both think Kirk should be in hospice, but Charlie, his dad, won't let him. He's not 18 yet, so his dad gets to decide. Cooper wanders into the conversation in time to add, "No 18-year-old kid should be making life or death decisions." Pete thinks age doesn't determine it. Sam sighs. They sure don't glamorize the practice of medicine.
Addison and Naomi break the news to the happy couple. They are no longer happy. The docs leave the two alone to process, and Addison immediately starts bothering Naomi about not talking to her. Naomi shuts her down and the (un)happy couple comes back in. They still want to have a baby. They are soul mates. They love each other. They are staying together. Uh-oh, ethical dilemma! An extremely ooky ethical dilemma. The couple argues that cousins get married all the time. Basing an argument on certain practices of backwoods communities of certain mountainous states is not a recipe for success. Addison nixes sperm donation and adoption, because people look at medical records and would see their relationship. The couple accepts that they will not have kids, but Addison says no sex and they look super-sad. I am trying not to be extremely creeped-out, but it's not working very well. Lisa begs them to tie her tubes so she never has to think about all of this again. I wonder if they can do something similar to my brain?
Sam is heading out to a health fair when the hot temp tells him that they're going to repossess the ultrasound machines. Sam begs Cooper to cover for him at the health fair. Cooper can't because he has lunch plans. Sam tells him to get over it and go to the fair and get clients; Violet smirks. Cooper very obviously sends a text and waits for the message to go through. It is so purposeful that you know the message will mean something important later. Sam hides the ultrasound equipment from the repo man while Addison expresses horror at tying the tubes of a healthy young woman so she can sleep with her brother. Sam looks grossed out for two seconds and then changes the subject to: Naomi! Addison rambles about how Naomi won't talk to her and is being all professional and stuff, and then she brings up her date again. Sam tells her to call him, and Addison says he sucks at being Naomi. Cooper returns from the health fair to find Charlotte King tapping her foot at him. She got his message, but she had already sat down and ordered wine. She won't be treated like she doesn't matter. Sam asks Cooper why she was there, but Cooper's fake explanation is cut off when the hot temp fails to give Sam a call from the hospital. Charlie needs to see him to discuss Kirk.
Kirk is not getting any better. Charlie is determined to fight. Kirk is just a teenager. Sam reminds him that he is almost 18. Charlie threatens Sam with pulling out all his business (including those precious executive physicals) if he doesn't do what he says regarding Kirk. On cue, Kirk's stats fall and the nurse interrupts their conversation. Sam intubates Kirk while Kirk silently cries and Charlie looks tortured.
Lisa comes into the office to talk to Addison without Ryan. She knows Addison thinks it is disgusting, but she loves Ryan. She used to be shy, but Ryan makes her whole. He's a part of her. Her best friend is her missing piece. Addison avoids making gagging noises, but just barely. Pete runs into Sam back at the office and asks Sam what he decided to do about Kirk. Sam says he intubated him; he knows it's not what Kirk wanted but he's a minor and his father insisted. Good point. Pete disagrees. You have to treat the patient. Pete and Sam squabble about what is good for the practice versus the patient. Pete almost looks like he is going to hit Sam when the fat-sucker comes up, but he doesn't. Unfortunately. Violet, Naomi and Addison sit down to discuss the sibling situation. Naomi is adamantly opposed to the operation. Addison has had a change of heart, because it's what the clients want. And it's not as if they were raised as brother and sister, they just are! And that whole brother-sister-relationship-child thing worked so well in Flowers in the Attic. The girls debate the ethical quagmire. Cooper helps by pointing out that the AMA's guidelines say, "Barf!" He then points out that Ryan and Lisa are making out in the middle of the conference room. You would think that finding out your husband is your brother is the sort of news that would sort of dissuade you from public lasciviousness, but then again I've never gotten that news. I expect to any day, though.
Naomi busts Sam working Cooper over for his failure to bring in new clients. Sam is trying to fix things at the practice, but she doesn't care. She was going to fix the problem. She had it under control. She is sick of doing things his way. She put a lot on hold while he wrote his book and did his own thing. She's had enough.
Cooper is leaving Charlotte another message when he runs into Violet who stares at him awkwardly. When he pushes past her, she goes up to yell at Pete some more about his fat sucker. Pete tells her that she can't judge it until she tries it. She tries it. And the entire office watches. [ Because they do it in a glass-walled room, for some reason. - Zach ] Cooper is horrified, Addison is intrigued. Violet is wearing a silver bodysuit while Pete rubs her down with the de-fatter. She rambles about her issues and then confesses that she feels thinner. Pete scoffs. He knows the machine is crap, but it makes people feel better. Violet starts crying. Pete tries to make her feel better by complimenting her ass. No really. He does. Violet thanks him, but not because she has low self-esteem. She then rambles on about how great her ass is, until Pete can't resist it and gropes her. No really. He does. As a doctor or a co-worker, that is wildly inappropriate behavior. At least I hope it is. I think the AMA guidelines on that are, "Barf!"
Addison aggressively apologizes to Naomi for going to Sam. She did it to save the practice. Her practice. She gave up a lot to come here, and she won't go down without fighting. Naomi can't get over that she went behind her back. It's unforgivable. Naomi was really good and sincere and serious in this scene. It makes you realize what a good actress she is. How unfortunate that she ended up here. Just kidding!
Ryan and Lisa are back. They couldn't sleep last night. They want an end to it all. They want to get her tubes tied today so everything can go back to how it was before. Addison points out that they are brother and sister and they know it now. How can they go back to how they were? Ryan confesses that he already knew. And he married her anyway? So gross! Lisa is shocked. He claims that he knew something was up with all their similarities, their allergies, their toes, their blood types, how they were all the same. So he looked into it. Lisa is horrified. How could he know and not tell her? How could he do that to her? She runs crying into Addison's arms while Ryan looks hurt and confused that she wouldn't want to continue to have sex with her brother. I guess they can convert the nursery back into a yoga room now.
Cooper got lice from one of his patients. He asks Violet to de-lice him. She obliges, but grudgingly. He points out that, among monkeys, de-licing is a sign of affection. She gives him a hard time and calls him a liar a few times, until he finally confesses that he is sleeping with Charlotte King. He didn't tell her because Charlotte wouldn't let him and because he was scared of what Violet would think. He rambles about how mean Charlotte is and how he might love her and how it was killing him not being able to tell Violet. Violet doesn't say anything until she ducks his lousy head under water and thanks him.
They are playing The Sundays now. That is a great album. Addison and Naomi continue to battle it out using the story of Lisa and Ryan as an analogue for their own. Naomi sides with Lisa. Ryan knew and didn't tell her. Addison thinks Ryan was right because they were best friends and that was more important. Um, Addison? That doesn't really make sense, because best friends tell each other important stuff. That's why they are best friends. Oh, whatever. Addison walks away from Naomi and into her office. She espies her cell phone. She calls the damn cop. She twitches and paces and leaves a trademark long and rambling message with tears in her eyes. She tells his voice mail that she may have lost her best friend. She gets five minutes into the message before realizing that it is very off-putting to leave such a personal message on the cell phone of a guy you only went on one date with. She hangs up and says, "Nice knowing you." Emotional calling sucks. It's like drunk-dialing, but with twice the hangover and without the fun buzz.
Sam is staring at his board when Pete, Violet, and Cooper join him in the conference room. Pete confesses that he can't de-fat people anymore, but he is willing to help out in other ways. Cooper admits that he is just a pediatrician. He can't cold-call clients and he can't do health fairs. Violet calls Addison and Naomi into the conference. Addison knows they can do better. They have to put patients first. Sam erases his board. Um, the speech wasn't that inspirational. Sam asks for a little faith. Naomi and Addison exchange a look.
Sam heads back to the hospital to talk to Charlie. Sam admits that he did what Charlie asked because he was protecting himself from Charlie's threats. Sam doesn't want to be that kind of doctor. If Sam was in Charlie's position, he wouldn't force Kirk to live in a way that he doesn't want. Charlie is good at business. This isn't a business, it's his son. Charlie cries. Addison is in the elevator already when Naomi walks up. Naomi waits to take a different elevator. As the door closes Addison announces that Naomi is going to forgive her eventually. Sam takes out Kirk's breathing tube. Charlie cries and holds Kirk's hand. Kirk passes, and I freaking hate this show because of course I am in tears. Cooper shows up at Charlotte's door. She won't let him in. He tells her he told Violet. She lets him in and strips him naked. Still hating the show. Pete is sleeping with the hot temp. She calls him old. He smiles. Ugh. Sam and Addison are on their respective balconies unwinding after their bad days. Naomi walks up and they can't tell whose house she is going to. She stares up at them both and then turns to Sam's house. Addison looks bummed. Sam goes to let Naomi in. Naomi announces that she is furious and will be for a long time. She starts to rip off his clothes. She announces, "This is hate sex." This is just hate. I'll get over it by next week.
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