In Which Cooper Finds A Port In His Storm
Updated 2008-04-18 19:22:49
What happened last week -- Pete proposing sex to Addison, then standing her up; Cooper agreeing to friends-with-benefits sex with Violet, then backing out; Naomi and Sam going at it on the conference-room table -- was so important that we can't just let the characters recap it for us in conversation, the way they normally do. This kind of drama necessitates our first-ever "previously on" opener -- with Naomi on voiceover duty, probably because she has the prettiest voice.
Once we've been reminded of the previous night's adventures, we open at Oceanside the morning after. Cooper, wearing sunglasses, rushes into the lobby (having taken the stairs) and passes Dell at a trot. "Violet here?" he asks, not slowing down. Dell tells him no, and he hurries away. Naomi comes in from another direction, also wearing sunglasses, also not slowing down to greet Dell. The elevator dings and Pete and Addison step off, both wearing hangdog expressions; Violet is also wearing a wide-brimmed hat. Poor, confused Dell tosses out a "good morning" as they dash by. Addy's next, looking distracted, and focused on her handheld device. It's not unusual for her to dismiss Dell's greeting, but the way she hangs her head and asks for Naomi is rather out of character. Dell points her in the right direction. Sam is the last to come in, looking stiff and awkward like the rest. He's also wondering about Naomi, but Dell wants to know, "What's up with everybody? Was there, like, a car accident on the way to work or something?" Aw, do they carpool? I never thought about that. I hope Sam and Addison ride together sometimes, at the very least. Sam gazes toward Naomi's office, where the three women have gathered. "...Or something," he replies, and he walks off without even glancing at poor, befuddled Dell.
Sam enters the kitchen and announces to Pete and Cooper that the women are "behind closed doors." He strokes his bald head for comfort, the way a toddler might stroke a blankie in moments of distress. Except when Sam does it, it's sexy. He thinks, as long as the women are gathered to discuss the men (what else would they have to talk about, after all?), the men should do likewise. Pete and Cooper nod uncertainly. "Let's talk...let's talk smack," Cooper agrees. But nobody says anything. They just watch the women.
Violet and Addison are arguing over who has the greater claim on Naomi's attention. Naomi, still hiding behind sunglasses, tries to dismiss them both by announcing, "She slept with Cooper; she slept with Pete; cat's out of the bag, all that." But thanks to last night's late-night visits, Addison and Violet both know the other didn't get any. "There are no secrets around here," grumbles Violet. "Oh, there are secrets," says Naomi mysteriously. When Violet gives her a quizzical look, she remembers that she doesn't really want her secret to get out, so she covers: "Neither one of you? Really? I didn't know. That's all I'm saying." Addison is too wrapped up in her own problems (shock!) to pick up on the weird vibe from Naomi. "Pete literally stood me up!" she cries. Okay, everybody pay attention: He didn't literally stand her up. Actually, he literally sat her down, right before he stuck his tongue down her throat, in the scene we revisited at the top of the show. But he figuratively stood her up. Let's try to keep that straight, even if Addy is too incensed to use words correctly. She insists that she simply does not get stood up. "I'm Addison! Which means something! In places where...things mean things." Don't fool yourself, honey; it never meant a whole lot to anybody at Seattle Grace that you were Mrs. Shepherd. You're in a better place now, really. Violet bitterly asks if Addison revealed her nakedness to Pete, like she did with Cooper: "Did you stand in front of him like a peeled banana?" It would be awesome if she went on, "...which will survive in the fridge longer than the unpeeled ones you like to keep there." But she doesn't. She pep-talks herself, insisting that despite having been rejected by Cooper, she has "good parts." Addison pipes up, "Damn right you do, and so do I!" "I like your breasts," Violet says earnestly. "You have a good ass," Addison replies. "Thank you! I like it," Vi says sweetly, making her the episode's first candidate for the Best Line Delivery Award. Every time these two have a conversation, I love them more. Well, except when they're talking about Pete. Or anything work-related. Naomi is so distracted by her own issues that she cuts off this conversation -- which could have gone on all day, and I kind of wish it had -- to sum things up. "The point is, we should not be having sex in the office ." The intensity with which she says this, attempting to hide her inability to focus, puts her in the running for the abovementioned honor. So Violet's like, Who in the what now? And once again Naomi has to backtrack, claiming her point is that no one is having sex in the office, and it should stay that way, because otherwise, "You don't know where you stand." Violet and Addison are deeply confused to find that, at this moment, Naomi is more off-balance than either of them.
In the kitchen, the men watch the women and pretend not to care what they're saying. "Who cares?" they scoff. Then they watch some more.
Violet notices that the men have taken over the kitchen. Addison wonders how she'll get her coffee, without which she cannot function. I hear you, sister. When I don't get my morning dose of caffeine, I'm cranky, irritable, self-absorbed -- pretty much like Addison is normally. So I don't think we want to see what Addison is like when she doesn't have her coffee. Violet proposes skipping the conference-room powwow: "What do we do in that morning meeting, anyway?" Ooh, ooh! I can answer this one. You gossip about the patients, ignore Cooper's immature comments, and set up the episode's harebrained medical plots! Naomi gives them the welcome news that there will be no morning meeting today, but follows it with the unwelcome reminder that "Charlotte King is coming by to walk us -- all of us -- through the Safe Surrender program." Addison sighs and recalls that she signed up for this Safe Surrender thing with Pete -- what is it, a three-legged race? But she refuses to succumb to despair. She's in control. She just wants to pay for her coffee today. Violet and Naomi toss out their own drink orders as Addison leaves, headed for the coffee shop that is apparently "downstairs." I hope someone out there is drawing a floor plan of the Oceanside Wellness complex. So far we know MRI machines and coffee are available on a lower floor (or floors). I'm looking forward to future revelations. Like, maybe Dell lives in the basement!
Cut to a close-up on Addy's expensive pumps, as she taps her foot impatiently in the coffee line. The guy in front of her, who would be cute if he didn't remind me so much of Andy Bernard from The Office , turns around and tells her to blame the person in front, who has ordered one of those complicated coffee drinks I hear so much about, with the half-caf this and the soy milk that. Addison smiles and says she just has a meeting to get to upstairs, and the Andyish guy tells her she can cut in front of him. "I'm guessing this meeting won't go on without you," he says. Whoa, inflating Addison's already healthy self-image -- he totally has her number. Although he doesn't literally have her number. Not yet. He's working on it, though. "I'm Carl, by the way," he says, extending his hand. Addison introduces herself, then turns around and smiles smugly. I am impressed. There is no way I could be flirty with a stranger while in a pre-caffeinated state.
Back upstairs, Addy steps off the elevator with her tray of coffees and sees Pete standing there. She walks past him, then gathers all her resolve (buoyed, perhaps, by a pleasant interaction with Carl) and turns back to him. After checking to make sure he didn't have amnesia or a life-threatening wound of some kind, she announces that she feels responsible for the previous night's debacle: "I was warned, repeatedly -- by you, no less. And I should know by now that when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them." So now she has decided to downgrade Pete's status to "acquaintance" and coworker, which she seems to regard as a major demotion from his previous status as "potential sex partner." Pete says, "Fair enough." No more trying vainly to establish sexual tension between these two? No more painful flirting and bickering, and repeating everything the other person says in lieu of actual witty banter? I would have a damn party, and invite every single one of you to come, if I believed that this resolution would stick past the end of this episode. Addison struts away, passing Dell, who sees her tray o' beverages and says, "We have coffee here!" And Dell gets in early just to make it! No one appreciates his hard work. Especially not Addison, who snaps, "Shut up."
Charlotte's in the conference room, giving a "Safe Surrender rundown." She hands a cell phone to "Montgomery," saying that she and Pete will be "the go-to team." Everyone exchanges looks, and Charlotte, noticing the silence, asks whether this is correct. She's not used to Oceanside's sixth-grade-lunchroom social atmosphere yet, but give her time. Addison says, yes, they volunteered last week, which Cooper recalls as "happier times." Sam asks for more details about what Pete and Addy will be doing, although really he's just looking for something to distract him from Naomi, sitting across the table and looking all guilty and sexy. Char says that the cell she gave Addison is set up to receive all Safe Surrender hotline calls for the next 48 hours. "Don't stray far from here, or from each other," she orders. Violet remembers that we, the audience, still don't know what they're talking about, so she reminds us that the calls are from mothers who have babies they can't, or won't, take care of. Charlotte adds that these women prefer to avoid hospitals and paperwork, and Safe Surrender allows them to be anonymous. The drill is, the women call, and Addison and Pete arrange to meet them; the docs take the baby back to Oceanside, where Cooper does a medical exam. Then they call social services to place the baby. They also give out matching bracelets -- one to the baby, one to the mom -- in case the women change their minds (they have two weeks to do so). Having explained all this, Charlotte heads back to work at the real hospital. (But what does she do there? Can anyone remind me?) The other ladies gather up their things, hoping to leave the room as quickly as possible. Cooper tries to joke with Violet about how Charlotte sure is bossy, and Violet shuts him down by getting all righteous about Safe Surrender's mission: "It's really an amazing thing that she's doing." Then Vi leaves the men sitting there in silent, miserable solidarity.
Now Violet's in her office, asking a patient how he did with the "homework" she assigned. Surprise! That patient is Carl from not-Starbucks. And he's still a little too redolent of ridiculous stuffed-shirt Andy Bernard for me to take him seriously as a love interest for Addy. He tells Violet her technique of visualizing the Mediterranean helped him control his anxiety, so she proposes a new challenge: "Let's identify something that would have triggered you in the past." Carl thinks he's ready to try dating again, because he met this woman today, and they exchanged business cards...and then he pulls out Addison's card and hands it to Violet, a completely unnecessary and extremely laughable contrivance. Could he not just say her name?
Sam walks into Naomi's office. They greet each other amiably, if nervously. "We didn't forget how," Sam says at last. "I tell ya that ." (Another Best Line Delivery nominee!) Naomi laughs. "No, we did not!" They go on like this for a moment, then trail off. Sam tries to make himself comfortable, perching on the arm of the sofa, but slips, and Naomi watches and smiles shyly. They're adorable. And Sam actually wants to discuss this issue directly, which is certainly refreshing; I'm thinking it's a better approach than the indirect, "alternating insults and come-ons" method that's so popular in their workplace. What Sam's wondering is, "Was this a slip-up? Like, uh, a one-time thing, or would you...want more here?" Naomi isn't sure how to answer. "For once I hadn't thought it through," she admits. So she thinks it through now, out loud: the practice barely survived the split; fooling around together probably isn't fair to their daughter (remember her?). "We got divorced for a reason," she points out. "So I think it was just a slip-up." Sam says that's what he thinks, too -- but they're both avoiding eye contact.
Naomi ends the awkwardness by leaving her office, and Dell cuts her off in the hall. "There was a message on your voice mail: your priest called? You have a priest?" Naomi says they used to. What, did they keep him on retainer? Dell says the priest wants to see both of them as soon as possible. "It sounds kind of serious -- what'd you do, commit a mortal sin?" Dell grins. Sam and Naomi laugh nervously, and walk away from each other as quickly as possible.
The sound of church bells takes us to what seems to be some sort of Renaissance palazzo. Naomi and Sam are walking past a majestic fountain. Good Lord, is "their priest" stationed at the Vatican? Naomi suspects this turn of events is a message from God. "We have sex, and then the day after, our priest summons us?" Again, I have to wonder how exactly this man is "their" priest. I don't think the Church has enough priests on hand to permit that sort of arrangement. Naomi is envisioning "the fires of hell," and Sam is just hoping she won't mention the divorce. "I don't need a lecture," he says. They finally reach the end of the walk, where "their priest" is waiting to thank them for coming. (You might recognize him as Mr. Chase from My So-Called Life .) "We had sex," Naomi blurts out. "And we're divorced." Father whoever is a bit dazed by this greeting. "I'm gonna let that go for now," he says at last. "I'm also going to overlook the fact that you two have been Christmas-and-Eastering it for the last ten years." Don't forget Palm Sunday! The real ambivalent Catholics always show up for their palms. He says he called about "one of the nuns," and the young Asian woman next to him adds that "Sister Helen" is sick. Father says Helen is 86 and hates hospitals. "Sam, this is your area," he says, explaining why he called. What, exactly, is Sam's area? Because the viewers and I have been wondering. Convent medicine? Old ladies who hate hospitals? Naomi asks for details, and Father refers her to "Sister Amy" -- the aforementioned woman at his side -- adding, "The sisters have been sequestered alone together..." Naomi repeats, "Sequestered?" as if to say, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'cloistered.'" Jurors are sequestered, Father. Smallpox victims are quarantined. Nuns are cloistered. But Sister Amy just adds that they've been thus isolated for three weeks here at their mother house, St. Mary's. "We spend most of the year on missions around the world, so this is the one time of year we get to see each other." . Sister Amy leads the Doctors Bennett into the convent, and the priest -- whom Sam now calls "Father Mark" -- stays behind. "I'm not supposed to enter," he explains. "No one from outside the sisterhood." So now I'm thinking, maybe it's not so much a cloister as it is a coven? "But they need you," he continues. "You're good Catholics, you're doctors..." Sam modestly replies, "Well, doctors, at least." Seriously. I know mass attendance ain't what it used to be, but if Christmas-and-Eastering it makes them "good Catholics," I think Father Mark might need to raise his standards a little bit.
Inside, Naomi examines Sister Helen as Sister Virginia, a middle-aged woman in full habit, looks on. Sister Helen started complaining of flu-like symptoms a week ago, the other sisters explain. Naomi calls Sam over to look at Helen's belly (oddly wrinkle-free in close-up), which has been attacked by a makeup brush and covered with red dots. "What's this?" Naomi asks, and Sam says, "It's definitely not the flu." So I guess "identifying weird rashes" is not Sam's "area."
After the ads, Cooper finds Violet in the kitchen. "Still don't want to talk, Cooper," she says. He says that he does want to talk, so she directs him to the "Worldwide Web" -- "I'm sure you can find someone who'll listen." Do you really think there are people online who want to discuss Cooper's relationship with Violet? I won't hear it. Addison walks in, senses the tension, and tries to duck back out, but Cooper storms off. Violet returns to her sandwich-making in frustration. Addy's phone rings, and she answers with her business voice -- "Hello, Addison Montgomery" -- but switches immediately to her girlish voice of pleasure. "Carl! Hi!" Violet's eyes grow wide, and she listens as Addison makes a coffee date for that night with Carl. When Addy hangs up, Violet grabs her arm and warns her not to "move too fast." Addison says, "Unhand me, woman!" and then her face turns from playful to steely and determined as she declares, "I'm getting my date on." And the Best Line Delivery competition gets tougher.
Back at St. Mary's, Naomi is wishing they could identify the rash, but Sam doesn't have his "derm atlas." That sounds like a fun coffee-table book, doesn't it? Naomi uses her Blackberry-type-thing to take a picture of the rash, which she plans to send to Dell.
Outside, Sam and Naomi stroll the palatial parish grounds with Father Mark. I've heard the archdiocese of L.A. is looking for ways to raise money -- you'd think they'd consider selling this convent. Sam tells Father Mark they need to identify Sister Helen's illness before they can treat her, and they might end up having to take her to the hospital. She probably won't like that, but maybe she'll brighten when she finds out the hospital is named for one of the Doctors of the Church? Naomi adds that they'll need to check the other sisters to find out whether the mystery illness has spread. Nobody explains why that scene was necessary.
At Oceanside, Dell shows the rash photo to Pete, who can't identify it. That means Dell needs to contact one of the infectious-disease specialists in his Rolodex. Addison breezes by, telling Dell she'll be back later. She hands the Safe Surrender cell phone to Pete, asking him to let her know if they get a call. "I'll be just down the street," she calls over her shoulder as she gets on the elevator. "I've got a thing." Pete reminds her not to drink, since they have some baby-saving to do later.
Cooper's in his office, instant-messaging. Pete walks in and announces, "I think Addison has a date tonight." Yes, and you don't! Ha ha! Coop might have said that if he weren't focused on his web chat. Instead he says, "Good for her. She's getting back on the horse." He adds that he's "about to have a date tonight...with 'CanUHandleMe441.'" (The closed captions provided that spelling; it seemed right.) He, too, believes it is important to get back on the horse. As Pete leaves, Cooper observes, "He's a lucky guy...Addison's horse." Pete looks thoughtful. I told you they'd end up flirting again. Damn it all.
We're back at St. Mary's, in a large living area dressed with impressively authentic post-Vatican II convent furnishings (ugly chartreuse armchair, felt liturgical banners, resurrected-Jesus altarpiece on the wall). Now Naomi's worried about Sister Virginia, who feels "clammy," but Sister protests that she's been exposed to much worse ailments in Uganda, where she ministers. When Amy prevents Virginia from standing up, we see the rad tattoos on her forearms. Rock on, Sister Amy. Sam and Naomi confer in hushed tones about how Sister Helen is very sick and Sister Virginia seems to be headed in the same direction. Sam has already called an ambulance: "They're 20 minutes out." That's how long it takes an ambulance to get to Oceanside! I think this section of L.A. needs another hospital. "We make a good team," Naomi observes. "Yeah, we do," says Sam. Except at parenting. And rash-identifying.
We join Addison and Carl's date in progress: they're sitting at an outdoor café, and Addison is just finishing up her life story with "...and then I moved to L.A." She should have screened the pi-not for him; it would have been easier, and I'm sure he would have appreciated the insightful commentary from the editors of People magazine. Carl sums up his own story thus: "Never been married, never had kids; want to get married, want to have kids." He's playing Addison's song! She thinks this makes him "a man without baggage." Um, Addison, I'm pretty sure he didn't tell you everything about his life just then, so maybe you should withhold judgment for ten more minutes. Carl admits that he does have some "baggage," and that he is seeking treatment with Addison's colleague. "And I can say without a doubt that she's made me a better man," he asserts. Addison -- foolish, foolish Addison -- replies, "It's refreshing to meet someone who's interested in being a better man." She'd love to go on reading too much into Carl's plainly self-serving statements, but her phone rings.
An immediate cut finds Pete and Addison at the back door of a house, looking for "Darcy," who asked them to meet her there. A teenager in pajamas opens the door holding a bundle. "It's a girl," she sniffs. "She isn't crying!" Pete offers to examine the baby, and when he reaches out to take her we see that she is about as much of a newborn as I am. Uh, ma'am, the reason your baby isn't crying is that she's six months old. She's probably sleeping through the night at this point. Addison wants to examine Darcy, who won't let her in because she's afraid her mom will hear them. She explains that she "played the stereo really loud" so her mom wouldn't notice the whole "giving birth" thing, and then she clipped the umbilical cord with a barrette. Addy still wants to do a quick exam, but a voice inside the house calls, "Darcy? It's a little late to have friends over." An object lesson for Naomi and Sam: this is where oblivious parenting will get you. Addy just has time to hand Darcy her card and one of the Safe Surrender bracelets before Darcy shuts the door, insisting she won't change her mind.
At St. Mary's, Sister Virginia is laid out on the couch, coughing and looking pale. She has also been attacked by the makeup person, and now has red dots down the side of her neck, which Naomi shows Sam when he comes in to tell them the ambulance has arrived. Sam looks at the rash, and then the camera follows his gaze around the room. Ailing nuns are draped over armchairs everywhere he looks. Father Mark shows up with the EMTs, but Naomi and Sam tell them to stay out: "This building is a hot zone!" Naomi shouts. "We have to lock it down!" Father Mark won't leave the sisters, so Sam tells him to come in and shuts the EMTs out. Drums of danger pound!
After a commercial break, Sam tells Naomi that St. Ambrose checked with the CDC, and they agree that locking down the convent is the right course of action, "until the hospital can prep some isolation units for them. Or...us." Naomi pulls out a little bottle of Purell, and they both sanitize their hands. Like me, they have a deep faith in the cleansing power of Purell. It's like scientific holy water. Naomi adds that they're still waiting to hear from Dell about the rash. Sister Amy comes in to let them know that eight of the twelve sisters are running fevers, and she's not feeling great either. "Still don't think God's trying to tell us something?" Naomi mutters to Sam. An entire convent full of possibly dying nuns, and Naomi thinks it's all about how she and Sam had sex? I think she needs to spend less time with Addison. In her defense, her next statement makes it clear she's not talking about the many women who are definitely seriously ill; she's talking about the infection that she and Sam could possibly have. She's focused on what's important. So is Sam, who jokes, "Well, if we are sick, I'm glad we got some." Naomi pretends not to realize this is a joke and acts annoyed, probably to cover how much she'd like to replay that scene in her head right now.
Over at Oceanside, Addison is feeding a bottle to Darcy's baby, now wrapped in a pink blanket and looking like she'd rather be teething on solid foods. Addy thinks the baby's in good shape: "Her lungs are good, heartbeat's strong..." She's getting ready to take her first steps... They can confirm this when Cooper does his "well-baby check" tomorrow. Violet thinks they should call him now, and Pete says, "Cooper's, uh, out on a date." Violet recognizes this as part of Cooper's "get back up on the horse thing." Immature Pete tells the room that Addison is also remounting the dating horse, which gets Violet's attention; she's quite anxious to hear how things went with Carl. Addy tells Violet she knows that Carl is her patient, but Pete notices that this doesn't seem to comfort Violet at all. Violet excuses herself. Dell's phone rings and he hurries out of the room to answer, in case it's the guy he asked about "the nun rash." This leaves Pete and Addison alone (except for that baby, but she's not important right now). He teases her about dating "a psych patient," but Addison, not taking the bait, notes that this is standard in L.A. "You all done, kiddo?" she says to the baby, and then hands the bottle to Pete. It's completely empty, so I'd say yes, the baby was done. Addy stands to burp the baby, who holds up her not-so-small head and gazes over Addison's shoulder at Pete with wide, curious, definitely not born-several-hours-ago eyes. Pete offers to call social services to come pick the baby up, but Addy says she'll stay with her at the clinic overnight. "She should get to feel wanted, at least for one night." Right, and also, if you wait just a little bit longer, the baby will be able to drive herself to the appropriate agency.
Cooper arrives at a night spot in search of CanUHandleMe441. He sees a familiar, bony back on a bar stool, and hears a familiar voice ordering a "seven and seven." Why, it's Chief of Staff Charlotte King! Cooper's first instinct is to flee, but then he stops himself, thinking perhaps he can handle this after all. He sits down next to Charlotte and says, Southern-belle-ishly, "Charlotte King, as I live and breathe!" She snaps that the seat is saved, and gives Cooper her bitchiest look when he asks what time her date is supposed to show. "Nine p.m.," she says, trying to look like she doesn't know Cooper, while he tells her he is also supposed to meet someone there at nine. Charlotte doesn't catch on 'til he adds, "We met on the internet..." Then her eyes grow even wider, and she recoils as if she's stepped in vomit. Cooper tries to get her to stay and "laugh at the unfortunate coincidence," but she prefers to pretend that the whole thing never happened. She hurries out, and he takes her untouched drink, ready to indulge in what he calls "the opposite of laughing."
At Oceanside, Dell is on the phone and checking his email at the same time; I guess his nun-rash expert sent him something. "Holy crap!" he says, hanging up the cell and picking up the desk phone.
Pete couldn't get anything out of Addison, so now he tries to get Violet to tell him something about this psych patient that Addy is dating. Violet says she's "not allowed to discuss it," which Pete dismisses: "Our patients know we share files." You share a lot more than files, guys. Pete keeps needling her, trying to get a sense of how crazy Carl is -- "afraid of seagulls" crazy, which he considers a three (on a scale of one to ten)? Or worse? Violet looks like she'd love to gossip, but she stays strong and shuts the door in his face, saying, "Ethics, Pete. Look it up." Listen, lady, Pete is a holistic doctor. He practices alternative medicine, and he doesn't need your reference books .
At St. Mary's, Sam says a bunch of ominous-sounding medical things about Sister Virginia's condition, concluding, "We gotta get her to a hospital." Too bad you made the EMTs leave! The drums start pounding again as Naomi says that everybody needs to go to the hospital. "Dell just called...it's typhoid." Ooh, that's bad. Many a trip along the Oregon Trail was cut short by typhoid fever. At least when I was leading the wagon party from my Commodore 64 keyboard.
When we come back from the ads, everyone has been transported from St. Typhoid Mary's to St. Ambrose. Sister Virginia lies in a hospital bed, pale and unresponsive. As she resanitizes her hands, Naomi explains to Father Mark that typhoid is still a common disease in "exactly the kind of third-world places where the sisters work," and is transmitted "through skin-to-skin contact, or food." But the incubation period is less than two weeks, so she doesn't think the sisters could have caught it while out on mission, since they've been, ahem, "sequestered" for three weeks now. She leaves Father Mark to ponder this when she sees Sam approaching. He reports that there have been no other typhus outbreaks in the area -- gee, that's nice, Sam, but did you ask about typhoid? Because, as I'm sure you know, they're not the same thing -- and the convent food "tested clean." This means someone in the convent must have had contact with "an outside carrier," even though all the sisters swear they've been isolated for the full three weeks.
Carl shows up at Oceanside the next morning to deliver flowers for Addison, and also to tell Violet he's quitting therapy. Or so I gather, anyway, because she tells him he's not ready to date or to go off his program. He just wants to leave the flowers for Addy, who's sleeping (but how does he know?). It's a really pretty arrangement, too -- nice taste, Carl! He hands the flowers to Violet and walks off. Vi and Pete, who happens to be standing nearby, stare at them and at each other. Cooper gets off the elevator, sees them standing there, speechless, and guesses, "Seizure?" Pete gives him the basic details -- Violet's worried about her patient dating Addison. Naturally, Cooper is up for a game of Irritate Violet, and they double-team her, digging for dirt, until Violet finally cracks and says, "He calls himself 'Trunk.'" Then she hands over the flowers and strides briskly away. The men follow her, Pete carrying the flowers and Cooper guessing that "trunk" must refer to Carl's penis. Violet takes refuge in her office.
Addison is on the couch in her office, wearing sweats and cuddling with the toddler. I mean "newborn." Pete enters with the flowers and asks how she's doing. Addy -- talking in that soft, don't-wake-the-baby voice -- says she's tired and hungry and missing a shoe. Every time she put the baby down, Addison says, "she started screeching like a bat. Eee-eee!" Can you tell Addison doesn't get to spend a lot of time with babies once they're born? Pete's still standing there with the flowers, so Addison says, "Okay, you realize I didn't actually give birth." Pete says, "From your psych patient," and hands her the card; she doesn't read it aloud, but it makes her smile. Pete now informs her that Carl "might have some problems" -- he seems to have himself convinced he's acting in her best interests, even though he's totally just being a jerk. "Violet said his nickname is 'Trunk,'" Pete shares. "I don't know what that means," Addy replies. Neither does Pete, but it doesn't stop him from declaring that Carl is "not Addison Montgomery material." So Addy reminds him that he doesn't know what "her material" looks like. (I think by "material" she actually means "boobies," or possibly "ladytown.") She shoos Pete away and goes back to making bat noises at the baby. "Eee-eee-eee!" Now I actually want Addison to get pregnant.
Sam tells Father Mark he's putting all the sisters on antibiotics; he thinks the ones with "mild cases" will be cured, at the very least. Sister Virginia is still looking rough, though. Sam adds that Naomi will be "asking the sisters some questions," and wonders if Father Mark can suggest which sister might have snuck out, or had a visitor, while "sequestered."
In another part of the hospital, Violet comes around a corner -- but she's not there to see Sam and Naomi. "I got a page from the ER," she announces, and a doctor tells her one of her patients is there. "We were able to remove the foreign body nonsurgically," he says, pulling back a curtain to reveal Carl, flat on his stomach in a hospital gown. "He's lucky he didn't perforate his bowel," the doctor adds, just to make sure we're getting the visual. And in case that wasn't enough, he shows Violet an X-ray of a torso with a high-heeled shoe hanging out of it. "You got any idea whose shoe this is?" the doctor asks. Violet really, really wishes she could say no.
In his office, Cooper swaddles Darcy's little girl and says, "Given the circumstances of her birth, this is a very, very healthy baby." Yes, it's not every one-day-old who can speak in complete sentences. Addy coos at the baby in what the closed captions call a "baby-talk voice." Charlotte walks in, having heard about the rescued infant, and the captions note that Addison switches to her "normal voice" to ask what will happen next. Which leaves me with two questions: One, would hard-of-hearing people really assume that Addison was baby-talking to Charlotte if the captions didn't tell us otherwise? And two, wouldn't it be great if that's what Addison did? Charlotte explains that the baby will go to social services and then be placed in foster care. Addison takes the fussing baby from Cooper, switches once more to her baby-talk voice, and says, "Come here, Batgirl! Time for a little stroll around the office!" Whoa, maybe we were right about Addison's Halloween costume! Once Addy leaves (and Pete follows), Coop and Charlotte are left alone in the office. Charlotte avoids eye contact, hoping that will mean Cooper can't see her. Coop initiates some small-talk about cotton balls. When that runs its course, Charlotte leaves, saying, "Good-bye, Dr. Freedman." He replies, "Good-bye, CanUHandleMe," and she gives him an icy look over her shoulder. Tee hee.
Still lying on his stomach in the ER, Carl tells Violet he didn't mean to take the shoe. "You took her shoe, Carl," Violet says firmly, "and you did what you always do." Yikes. No wonder Violet didn't want to talk about it; she wasn't being discreet, she just didn't want to have that image in her head any more than is necessary. "This is not a good way to live, is it?" she asks. Carl agrees that it is not. As Violet gets up to leave, he asks her to send his regrets to Addison -- he thinks she's "perfect," but he can't resist the temptation of her footwear. Violet walks away, closing the curtain on this whole unpleasant business.
Addison is sitting in a supply closet, rocking "Batgirl" on her knees and talking on her Bluetooth headset. "How do you give up your baby?" she asks, and Naomi responds, "How do you give up your whole life -- falling in love, a family, all of it -- just to go live in a convent?" She seems to have forgotten the part where the sisters work for most of the year as missionaries in far-flung places. "That's why somebody's lying," she concludes. Ah, yes, because if there's anything we know about nuns, it's that taking and fulfilling religious vows turns them into horrible liars. As usual, Addison doesn't care about Naomi's problems. She's hung up on how attached to this baby she is after just one night. "You can't have this baby," Naomi reminds her. Addy says she knows, but then adds, "I named her. Batgirl." Naomi gets a good laugh out of that: "You just can't have kids." Oh, come on, it's better than "Carson." The friends both wish the other were there with them. Then Naomi's pager beeps, so she hangs up. There's a knock on the closet door; it's Violet. "Shh!" whispers Addison. "Batgirl can only sleep in total darkness." She might have nabbed the Line Delivery Award just then. Violet blinks a few times. "O...kay. Can I talk to you?"
Cut to Batgirl's little wide-awake face in Violet's office, as Vi delivers Carl's message. "He has a medical issue that worsens under stress," she explains, hoping that will suffice, but Addison presses for details: "Why do you call him 'Trunk'?" So Violet explains that a "trunk" is something that you put things in..."in an anatomical sense." Addison finally gets it. And realizes what happened to her shoe. Violet is prepared to help her cope with this professionally, if she'd like to talk through it, but Addison prefers to try Charlotte's "this never happened" approach. "I am going to get up, I am going to walk out of this room, and we are never -- ever -- going to speak of this again," she says. Violet greets this with relief: "I would like that very much."
At St. Ambrose, there's no change in Sister Virginia's condition, and Father Mark asks for privacy so he can administer the sacrament of the sick. They watch through the window as he puts on his stole and begins the rite. "The way he looks at her..." Naomi begins, and Sam says, "I know." The captions add, "Something's not right," although nobody actually says that. Perhaps the person who entered the captions was a liturgist, and this is his way of protesting the fact that Father Mark is "anointing" Sister Virginia without any oil. Otherwise I don't see anything odd about his ministry of this sacrament, but I guess I'm having trouble viewing extreme unction as sexual in any way.
Dell finds Addison in her office, with Batgirl, as the sun sets, and he says, "Don't be mad -- I called social services." Addison says she meant to make the call herself, really. Then the hotline phone rings again.
It's dark by the time Pete and Addy get to the park where they're supposed to meet the caller. The drums kick in when Pete notices a doll lying beneath a tree. He rushes over, kneels down and announces, "The baby's not breathing. There's no pulse." There usually isn't when you're dealing with a doll.
So we go to St. Ambrose, the last resort of all Oceanside patients, and Addison and other doctors work to revive this extremely un-lifelike dummy. It looks like it's made from unfinished pine. Maybe they did this on purpose, so we wouldn't get too attached, because the long, steady beep from the machine tells us the cause is hopeless. Addy finally admits this and calls the time of death. Pete reminds her that they did everything they could, but she's being cold, professional Addison: "It's over. The baby's dead."
"Tough day," says Charlotte, sitting down next to Addison in a St. Ambrose waiting room. Then she shares that she "used to get off on" tough cases. "I don't," says Addison. "It's days like this where I slip and make mistakes." She's gazing at Pete. Don't do it, Addison! Dead-baby-rebound sex is no kind of sex to have, with Pete or anybody else. She continues, "I just need something -- someone -- and I end up..." "Falling off your wagon," Charlotte says. "Whoever your wagon may be." Is that really what Addison was going to say? Or is Charlotte a closet alcoholic? Pete comes over and tells Addy they're needed back at Oceanside.
Speaking of Oceanside, we cut quickly back there. Cooper invites himself into Violet's office and says, "This is the last time I'm offering to talk." She explains that she's used to talking to Cooper about their problems with other people, but talking to him about their own relationship is impossible for her. He hopes she'll talk to him about something else. So she starts to tell him about her trip to the ER, and Cooper cuts her off; he doesn't want to hear the explanation of the "trunk" nickname after all. He says, "Maybe Carl will find a girl who enjoys what he does," and touchy Violet interprets this as an insult to her profession, rephrasing Cooper's statement as "Freaks should just be with other freaks." Cooper, in turn, takes this wrong: "Are you talking about us? About me?" So, that didn't go well.
Sam and Naomi corner Father Mark in a hallway at St. Ambrose. They tell him Sister Virginia has improved -- good thing he didn't waste any oil on her, then! They also ask if they can test him for typhoid. "Carriers are asymptomatic," Naomi explains. Father Mark could have picked it up on one of his long-ago mission trips. They inquire, delicately, whether he had "direct contact" with Sister Virginia at some point in the last three weeks. Father Mark takes a deep breath and confesses, "I would sneak in at night, and we would --" Sam tries to cut him off. He doesn't want details. But Father Mark continues: "I would sneak in, and we would cook." He talks about his deep, and chaste, affection for Sister Virginia. "It's been years now, and we have never touched" -- they just share cooking tips. And when she went away on missions, he says, he was always waiting for her to get back: "I missed my friend." I wonder what Sam and Naomi are thinking about now. Father Mark doesn't seem to mind that his delicate emotional life is really just background for theirs. "We all make choices," he tells them. "You made a choice. I know, I was there." Hee hee. He reminds them that, religiously speaking, they "will always be married." Which is true, actually, assuming they didn't have the marriage annulled, which they obviously didn't, since Father Mark here didn't even know they were divorced.
Addison and Pete -- and Charlotte, believe it or not -- get off the Oceanside elevator and find Darcy and her mom pacing in the lobby. "You're the doctor who...you took the baby?!" cries Darcy's mom. The three docs try to defend Darcy's choice to call Safe Surrender. "You think we'd ever let her give this baby away?!" Mom shrieks. Surprise twist alert! She continues, "This is my grandchild! I didn't even notice!" Yeah, how did that work, exactly? Cooper comes out with Batgirl and hands her back to Darcy, who says, "Her name is Melanie." Addison swallows what she really wants to say and lies, "That's a perfect name." Just wait. Darcy will hear the batlike cries. She'll see her error.
At St. Ambrose, Sam is working things out: since, as Father Mark said, he and Naomi are still married in God's eyes, that means it wasn't a sin for them to have sex. Once again, this is technically correct. I really wouldn't have expected Private Practice to be right on the finer points of Church teaching regarding sacramental marriage, but there you go. "Which means," Sam adds, "if we were to do it again..." He trails off with a chuckle, and takes Naomi's hand. They walk slowly and sweetly to the exit. Aww. I'm so glad all that hand sanitizer saved them from typhoid. Now neither guilt nor fear can stop them from indulging in skin-to-skin contact. If you know what I mean.
Cooper catches up to Charlotte at the Oceanside elevators and invites her to have a drink with him. "I am not having sex with you just because I wrote some things on the internet," she insists. He swears he just wants a drink. "Absolutely no sex." So of course we cut to a shot of Charlotte's naked, bony back as she falls forward onto Cooper's bed, panting. (I'm just guessing that it's Cooper's bed. Neither of them cares very much where they are.) Cooper, also nude and panting, offers to get the aforementioned drink, and she says, "Ask me again in two hours." Then they roll back over and out of the shot.
Pete and Addison leave their offices at the same time. Addison is depressed: "I can't be in this day any longer." "You shouldn't be alone tonight," says Pete, that old smooth-talker. She replies, "I won't be," and walks away. You can tell she's depressed because she doesn't add, "But you will!"
Sam opens the door to his house and finds Addison standing there. She apologizes for showing up "past neighbor time," and he lets her in and offers her wine. She says she called Naomi and didn't get an answer. I bet I know why! She says this again as Sam fetches the wine for her, just in case you're not picking up on the clue. Then we hear a door open, and Naomi comes up from behind and puts a hand on her shoulder. "Hey." Addison turns around and sees Naomi, wearing a robe. She looks from Naomi to Sam, and then she bursts into tears. Naomi cradles her head. Sam goes back to bed. It's all very sweet and touching, but I do think it's fair to ask: Where's Maya sleeping tonight?