Past Tense
Updated 2008-10-30 09:01:45
Whoa hey sorry I'm late I was just watching Barack Obama's infomercial. It inspired a lot of Googling on my part because I was dying to know if the writer or director or key grip or anyone involved in the production of that worked on or was a fan of Friday Night Lights . I just had to know. But I couldn't find the answer. Any of you know? There was just a certain leitmotif in the stories that made me feel so anxious and happy and sad that I felt like I was watching Friday Night Lights . But now I have to turn from an inspiring, tear-jerking, heart-wrenching, elevating, er... ad, to Private Practice . Sigh. I don't know what it is about this show. It has amazing actors. I mean really you'd be hard pressed to find a better ensemble. It has great writers. It does! But something just goes terribly wrong. Like marshmallow Fluff and Chanel. Each great in their own right, but terrible together.
Addison barrels into her apartment all damp and glisteny. She is on the phone with her new BFF Pete. She has been alone all day -- she even jogged alone! -- and she wants her friend back. As if Naomi jogs anywhere but to the bakery. Pete doesn't think it is likely that Naomi will re-friend her, because of Addison's treachery. Addison thinks he is unhelpful and, like, totally a boy! She gets Violet on the phone. Poor Amy Brenneman. She answers the phone in a shower cap, baggy tshirt and glasses. C'mon people, she is a beautiful woman -- why do this to her? It's cruel and unusual. Violet agrees with Addison that they need to get Sam and Naomi back together. Violet calls Cooper, who is obviously with Charlotte. Does the man do nothing but have fantasy-driven sex with his supposedly important and should-be-busier secret girlfriend? Cooper agrees that they need to have an intervention. For Sam and Naomi, not for his pervy self. But before the conference call gaggle can plan anything, Cooper hangs up to fulfill a naughty schoolgirl fantasy that is wildly inappropriate for a pediatrician. Addison's doorbell rings. It's her Man from SWAT. He's bearing takeout and a movie and the kind of perma-stubble that makes every girl's (and Andrew Ridgely's) heart go pitter pat. Addison hangs up on Violet and Pete.
The next day, Addison and Violet feng shui the cupcakes and organize the coffee cups in preparation for the impending office intervention. As they arrange things Addison asks Violet about sex rules. Not bondingly, but professionally. Addison and Christopher haven't consummated their relationship yet and Addison mumbles about rules and not wanting to screw it up (figuratively or literally) and it is when she is rambling coherently like this that you really remember she was on Grey's Anatomy . Violet tells her she needs a therapist, but before she can hand her a business card or elaborate, Pete interrupts with Cooper and Dell in tow. Sam and Naomi are on their way up. It's Intervention Time! Addison cancelled their patients (patients? what patients?) and the officemates have decided to lock Sam and Naomi into the conference room until they work out a way to lead the practice together. The way it used to be. They leave them with forty cupcakes and no milk, so it's cruel, but it should produce results quickly.
Cooper has a patient! He pats himself on the back while the mother explains that her son has been to five doctors and they have all diagnosed him as autistic. She wants Cooper to find a different diagnosis. Cooper hands the kid a fire truck and momentarily connects with the child, but then young Braden sinks back into himself. Cooper looks thoughtful.
In a sugar rush of monumental proportions, Naomi and Sam manage to claw their way out of the conference room. Their practice mates eagerly await their decision. Naomi and Sam announce that they are putting the office leadership to a vote. The other members of the practice will choose to follow either Naomi or Sam and everyone will abide by it. No one likes this idea at all, but Sam and Naomi are firm. End of day tomorrow a line will be drawn. Is this how the writers hint at the real world and the interminable campaigning? Are Sam and Naomi going to start canvassing and organizing GOTV drives? Oh lordy.
Dell follows Naomi into her office. It's always best to blackmail in private. If she wants his vote, he gets to assist in her next procedure. Naomi can't believe that she doesn't get his vote since she bullied Sam into taking him back. He reminds her that she was the reason he left. Actually, Dell, I think it was Naomi's lack of interest in playing a cougar to your cub that caused you to leave. Naomi isn't sure if her clients will go for it and promises to think about it. Dell reminds her that her clients are on Friday, but the vote is tomorrow.
Addison has a new client, but before she can meet her new client, her client's father wants to ensure that she will have the best care a lady doctor can provide. Addison holds up her left arm and swears and the daughter is lead into the exam room by the mother. They have head scarves. I'm sure that will be important character-wise at some point, but I couldn't figure out how to work it into the scene.
Cooper is accosted in the hallway by young Braden's mother. She thought he looked familiar before but now she remembers where she saw him. She saw his dirty naked photos on some adult website. She scolds him for being a perv in his private time. He tries to defend himself by pointing out that his personal life is personal and has nothing to do with his mad skills as a baby whisperer. She grabs Braden and shoots Cooper a dirty look. Um... what were you doing on the site, lady?
Addison begins her exam of her new patient. The young woman sits nervously on the exam table. It's her mother who answers Addison's questions. The young woman, Sharbat, was attacked a few months ago. They didn't report it; "they" don't do such things. There is no residual pain. Sharbat just wants Addison to make her a virgin again. Oh is that all? Hymen replacement is not something to be done lightly, Addison warns. It's real surgery. Sharbat and her mother explain that she is engaged to a man she has not met who lives in Afghanistan where they check such things before marriage. I thought they just did that in Canada. In order to avoid public humiliation and religious shunning they are willing to do go through the surgery. Help us Addison-wan-Kenobi! You're our only hope!
Sam is campaigning hard for his votes. Cooper won't listen. Neither will Violet. They are firmly in Naomi's camp. Pete tries to console Sam while also telling him that both Cooper and Violet are a lost cause and he is abstaining. Sam pulls his hair out in aggravation. Figuratively, obviously. Sam decides to remind Dell that he quit because of Naomi. Pete laughs that he thought this was supposed to be civil. Who needs civil when you can have war?
Cooper goes to find Charlotte to commiserate about getting busted on a nudie site by a patient. She is busy and having a bad day and doesn't want to talk about it. Shocker! Cooper calls her on her nonsense, again, and she caves, again, sighs, and asks what his problem is today. He explains about the patient and the website. She is outraged until he admits that he has photos up on at least ten sites. She agrees with the patient: there is something wrong with Cooper.
Addison, Pete, and Violet debate the re-virginization procedure. Addison doesn't want to do it because she feels funny in her tummy about it. Violet calls her on that malarkey. She shouldn't deprive the girl of the life she wants because she feels funny about it. Naomi busts in to the conversation and backs Addison. They shouldn't cave in morally. Not at this practice they won't! She says it with a straight face, too. Impressive acting, Naomi! Dell points out that it doesn't matter what they think, it is what the patient wants and feels is right. Everyone stops like he said something brilliant, Pete even points at Dell, but that reasoning doesn't even hold up for a second. Not in this practice it doesn't. I mean you would think they would all remember the brother and sister in love who wanted to have kids. They wanted it and felt it was right. Yet everyone thought it was nothing but cringe-inducing. And maybe illegal. I know Dell wasn't there, but still. All the doctors argue and out-moralize each other until they are shut up by a tough woman in a tank top who hitched a ride on the straight talk express. She explains that Sharbat is going to live in a cave in a repressive society and get stoned for listening to Madonna. As opposed to getting stoned and listening to Madonna at The Cave. Everyone stares at her. Pete gets up to face mash with this mysterious Meg.
All the doctors congregate in the conference room to stare at Pete and Meg. No one knows anything about her, but Sam promises to reveal all in exchange for their votes. Addison is accosted by a strange woman in pink scrubs who is shoving a file in her face. Oh, it's a nurse. They apparently have nurses. Who knew? Addison reads the file and hurries out of the scrum. She and Sharbat have some talking to do. Under Addison's spotlights, steely-eyed gaze and water boarding, Sharbat confesses that she wasn't raped, but has a boyfriend. Her parents are homesick and lonely and want to go back to Afghanistan, but they can't unless she is a virgin. She still needs Addison's help.
Sam tries to seal the deal with Cooper, but Cooper is a pediatrician first and a voter second. He wants to know if Sam has any information on acquired aphasia. He doesn't think that Braden is autistic, but instead might be having seizures in his sleep and no one knows it. Sam claps him on the back and tells him he is a good doctor. Cooper totally has a "Vote for Sam" sticker on his back now.
Pete and Meg are taking a tour of his office. Meg knows that something is wrong with Pete. His energy is all wacky and down. She is going to the Congo to start a malaria program. He should join her! When he hesitates, she tells him his former self would have jumped on the chance and would have ravaged her on the desk by now. He accepts her challenge. There is not enough Purell and Lysol in the world to make me want to go to that doctors' office.
Addison goes to talk to Violet about her patient, but Violet just wants to talk about Pete. Unprofessionally, Addison insists on doing work. She doesn't know what to do now that she knows her patient lied. Violet gives her an earful about girls who lie about rape and how it ruins it for every other victim out there. She says it several times and strongly enough that Addison braves the future wrinkles and furrows her brow. Is Violet hiding something? Addison doesn't push her.
Meg and Pete are cleaning up the mess in his office, when he notices a mark on her back. She thinks it is a sandfly bite, but Pete isn't sure. Meg heads to the ladies room to check out the bite and clean up (I am speculating on the cleaning part. Or hoping.) Violet and Addison corner her. Meg tells them that she and Pete were residents together and then went to Doctors without Borders and Pete saved the world and babies and orphans and a whole basket of puppies and a unicorn. Oh and his name used to be Peter. You can see Violet and Addison get weak in the knees while Meg talks. Girls are silly like that.
Naomi canvasses Pete's office. She mentions the de-fatillator and Pete grimaces. She promises that she would never pressure him to work harder or bring in clients. Which is awesome because that means the practice will go bankrupt soon and the show will end. Heaven for me!
As Addison contemplates revirginizing Sharbat, Christopher and his annoying SWAT shirt show up. He invites her to a weekend away in Cabo San Lucas. He already has the tickets in their pretty blue envelopes. He went to a travel agent? Whoa, careful Addison, he is a weirdo. Addison says yes and no and yes and no and then she explains about her rules. Addison wants to wait until it feels right to have sex. She wants to wait until she is sure. Christopher goes along with it because he is sure. And he's a dude and will say whatever.
Cooper stalks Braden's mom. He goes to her porch and knocks. She opens the door and shuts it when she sees it is him. He tells the shut door that her son may not be autistic. The door opens. He tells her that Braden may be having seizures and it is treatable with steroids and anticonvulsants and love. He hands her his research, referrals and a speech riddled with pot-kettle-pervert truisms.
Naomi tells Dell that he can help with more procedures. She knows they had a rough patch lately, but they have a history. Sam interrupts and starts to vie for Dell's vote. Dell gets scared and stars pushing the elevator call button over and over again. Sam and Naomi argue loudly enough to bring everyone out of their offices to stare at democracy in action.
Violet and Cooper are debating who is the biggest liar in the office (Addison loses since she hasn't lied yet), when Cooper spots Braden and his mom in the waiting area. She still thinks he's a nasty perv, but if he can help her son she is willing to let him try. Cooper offers up some steroids. They could know by the end of the day.
Violet and Naomi question Pete(r) about his past good deeds. He is embarrassed that Meg told them everything about his past. He doesn't want to talk about it. Violet points out the obvious fact that Pete likes Meg. A lot. Pete stiff upper-lips the news.
Addison talks to Sharbat again. She doesn't want her future to be based on a lie. She wants Sharbat to tell her mother about the boyfriend. Sharbat looks doubtful.
Now Sam has Meg spread-eagled on his table. Whoa guess a girl gets lonely out in the Congo. Sam is digging around in her back and pulls out the remnants of a tick. Peter was right, she did need to have it looked at -- it could have gotten infected! Pete is so smart and caring.
Sharbat tells her mother about the unworthy American boyfriend. Addison chaperones the conversation from the safety of the hallway. Pete asks her how it is going and Addison prattles about honesty and truth. Then she rounds on Pete and demands to know why they know nothing about him. Not even his name! I mean who would have guessed his real name is Peter? How could he not share that with them? Pete won't admit anything, but he figures out that Addison is a romantic and wants Sam and Naomi back together. Addison doesn't think there is anything wrong with that. Sharbat interrupts their conversation. Addison and Sharbat's mother talk, but the mom totally called it. She knew her daughter was up to no good, but it was easier to pretend that she had been raped. Sharbat still wants the surgery and Addison has no choice. She can't think of anything else to throw at this girl except cultural and moral imperialism. She tells Sharbat that even if she performs the surgery she will still be a dirty girl covered in American boy germs. Nothing can remove that stain. Sharbat still wants the damn surgery.
Sam and Naomi are loudly arguing. Again. When Addison and the rest of the team burst in on them, Sam and Naomi protest. Addison doesn't care. She's over it. They need to focus on patients and they need to focus on money. They can't have a vote because it will destroy the practice. They need to move forward not back. She totally Norma Raes it, but Sam still calls for a vote.
Addison performs Sharbat's revirginization surgery. Except that it's not in the hospital or anything and Sharbat is not sedated or anesthetized and is thus still pervious to Addison's guilt-inducing blathering. Sharbat tells her to suck it and do the surgery already.
Braden and his mom are back. Cooper looks surprised to see them. Braden walks up and thanks Cooper for the truck. Forty-five minutes ago, Braden just woke up. His mom thanks Cooper. Whatever sort of skanky nastiness he is, he is a great doctor. Cooper looks happy. Sort of.
It's Election Day! Addison refuses to take part in the voting, but everyone else crouches over their slip of paper and writes in a name. Addison rails against the process. They count the votes: one for Sam, one for Naomi, and four for Addison. Huh? Addison's Cesar Chavez impersonation may have failed to block the vote, but it definitely inspired the troops. Addison can't believe even Violet voted for her. Violet tells her to suck it up and start penciling in some time for admin. How annoying would it be for Addison to traipse in a few months ago and then become the boss. Violet's probably going to have to kill her.
Sam and Naomi are recuperating from their ouster. Sam apologizes to her for the coup, the marriage, everything. Naomi takes his hand and they start making out in full view of all their voyeur office mates. Aw... gross.
Pete and Meg are nude, but discreetly covered by sheets. Meg smokes so we know she is both a hard ass, slightly villainous, and post-coital. Meg tries to convince him to go to Ghana. He invites her to stay instead of going to Ghana. But her cigarette has to go. It's California and he's an acupuncturist. She considers the offer, but swears she never changes.
Charlotte, however, has changed. Into full-on dominatrix gear. Thank god for the internet, because how else would a busy doctor have time to buy all the complicated latex, dog collars, and bull whips that their sex life requires? Cooper bursts out laughing, but Mistress Charlotte is not in the mood. And I have to point out she came out of the bathroom fully dressed and made up with black eyeliner and red lipstick. There is no way Cooper didn't know what she was doing because it would have taken a good half hour and a lot of weird grunting noises and heavy breathing to get on a skin tight plastic halter dress and a dog collar and fishnets and heels and gloves and perfect eyeliner. What else could she have been doing in there that whole time? Oh. Wait. Nevermind. Cooper confesses that he wants to talk. Charlotte rolls her eyes, but sits down. Which must be pretty tricky in that get up. Cooper confesses that he is from Akron. He gives her the full bio. Charlotte hesitates and then recounts her biography. She tries to relax as much as possible in a plastic dress.
Addison has called up the SWAT team. She has decided her sex rules are made to be broken. They don't even make it out of the hallway. Gross.
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