Serving Two Masters
Updated 2008-11-20 09:20:29
Addison's hair is down and she is drinking wine and striking poses in doorways to impress her SWAT man. He brushes past her, tells her some boring work story, which she ignores because she is too busy making sexy horse face at him. He finally catches her drift when she grabs him by the belt buckle and attaches herself to his face. As they grope on the counter he whispers he loves her. Confused horse face ensues.
Cooper and Pete take Sam out to re-introduce him to the world of dating. Sam can't think of a single pick-up line other than "I'm a doctor." Which, come to think of it, is probably pretty effective. Sam confesses that Naomi asked him out in college and he's never really been on the market since. They all laugh and tease each other and Pete finds a girl for Cooper to test out his legendary mad skillz on. He's been watching The Pickup Artist and Mystery gave him some awesome tips he's dying to try out on the mystery blonde Pete chose. The blonde turns her head and it's Charlotte! Not surprising, but Sam and Pete are surprising in their venomous response to her presence. Why do they hate her again? It's been so long since she's done anything other than play naughty dress-up with Cooper that their level of animosity is surprising. Sam mentions covens and Pete bloodletting. Cooper takes a shot of something to pretend all is cool. Cooper uses his liquid courage to walk over to Charlotte. Much to the shock and amusement of the boys, Charlotte and Cooper walk out together in two seconds flat. Personally I'm not sure I would use my jaw if I had to pick it up off of the floor of that bar.
Violet yells at Dell, "This banging has to stop!" It takes me a minute to realize she isn't talking about all the gratuitous sex and lewd and lascivious content on the show, but about the actual banging from the construction going on on the fourth floor. Violet accosts Addison the second she steps out of the elevator to complain. Addison has her sunglasses on, affecting some ersatz Grace Kelly air, and doesn't feel like talking to Violet about the construction. In a very condescending tone she explains she called everyone she could, but the company has the right to build during business hours. McBitchy much? In the coffee room, Addison looks at Naomi, is about to say something, and then changes her mind. Naomi encourages her to go ahead. It's all good. They're fine. The writers must have realized that Addison and Naomi in a fight was completely annoying to watch. Even more annoying than watching them not in a fight. Addison tells her that SWAT said it. Yeah, it . Naomi figures it out instantly because she speaks fluent girl. She knows Addison has trust issues and all, but...whoa. Love so soon? Say nay. Or neigh. Their cupcaking is interrupted by Sam and Pete. Actually, Sam and Pete join the cupcaking because they have hot gossip about Cooper. And Charlotte! They all squee! Naomi looks really good today. Maybe it's her hair? Not sure, but she looks fresh and lovely. Makes you realize how frumpy she's been the last few episodes. Anyway, Violet walks into the hen party and totally ignores them as they pepper her with news and gossip. When Violet doesn't react to the news about Cooper and Charlotte, Naomi figures it out. Just as Cooper walks in, Naomi shouts: You're dating Charlotte King! Violet whirls around to deny saying anything, but Cooper doesn't believe her.
Now everyone sit back and get comfortable. Get a box of tissues if you must. It's time for our Daily Drama! Addison meets Laura and Daniel, who are a loving, adorable married couple bursting at the seams with excitement over their impending baby. Pete is there to help with their holistic birth plan. And to give him at least a semblance of a storyline. Daniel is played by Wesley from Buffy ! How exciting that he finally has a new (albeit temporary) role. Too bad he is playing in the Drama du Jour and we won't be seeing more of him. But who knows? Maybe the Hellmouth will open and swallow Oceanside Wellness? They're in Southern California, right? The couple is getting an ultrasound and are thrilled when Addison tells them it is a girl. They are less thrilled when Addison gets her Look of Great Concern. Turns out the fetus may have a disease that causes heart and face abnormalities. Daniel is very concerned that it is genetic. Addison orders some tests and Pete sits there looking alterna-concerned. 'Cause he's an alternative medicine doctor. Get it? Get it? Sorry.
Wow this episode is full of guest stars! Sam walks out to the waiting room to meet his next patient and it is Billy Dee Williams (!!) playing an older man whose beloved wife is suffering from Alzheimer's. Billy Dee hasn't made it into the office much because he is caring for Frances and that takes priority. Sam and Naomi are concerned because Billy Dee's health is failing while he cares for his wife. Frances thinks Naomi is her sister and does whatever she says. Like take her medicine. It's kind of sad to see Billy Dee playing an elderly man. I mean I'm glad he is getting work and everything, but he will always be Lando in my heart. And the voice of Colt 45 in my liver.
Addison is trying to work, but is distracted first by the construction and then by Dell. He has put a rush on the Dramas lab work and they should hear back by noon. But he has something more pressing to discuss: He needs an office. And to finish his midwifery hours. Addison puts him off again, but Dell wants it now. In fact he wants it so much he emptied out the office storeroom. Addison rolls her eyes and sighs at Dell. She'll get him a proper office, she just needs time. Addison sure is playing fast and loose with an employee who only recently came back to work with a whole stack of preconditions. And, seriously, what is Addison's problem? Did she have Bitchy Flakes for breakfast?
Sam is worried about Billy Dee's health, but Billy Dee doesn't have time for the pain. Sam tries to convince him that he needs help, but Billy Dee won't hear it. He won't put Frances in a nursing home. She is the love of his life and he won't put her in a home.
Addison heads to her next appointment to meet a new patient. Dell shouts in warning, but Addison goes in to meet Amy. And her husband... Wesley?! Wow, incest and bigamy! This show's got all the hot topics! What's next, bestiality? Can't wait for that storyline. "I love my guinea pig so much, she's been trying to get pregnant for years, and she finally is. But now she is dying of kennel cough. Her only dream is for her litter to be delivered. Please let me carry her babies! Please help me, Addison!" Addison somehow gets Wesley into an exam room to yell at him. If I was Wesley I wouldn't go anywhere alone with an angry Addison. Has he seen those forearms? Pete joins Addison, but seems strangely stoic about the whole two wives thing. Wesley explains that he loves them both, they don't know about each other, and he brought them both to the clinic because he was worried that both of his babies would have the genetic abnormality. Addison agrees to do the ultrasound, not for Wesley, but for the innocent wives and babies. Number 2's ultrasound is clean. Addison doesn't make eye contact with Wesley and sends his wife on her way. I wonder how Wesley convinced her to come in to see Addison? Doesn't she have her own OB/Gyn?
Cooper yells at Violet in her office. He can't believe she outed him. Violet points out that he actually outed himself by taking Cruella home in front of Sam and Pete. Cooper can't believe he did that. It made it all too real! Violet goes all therapeutic and reminds him that a real relationship is not a bad thing. Especially when you are old and lonely and hanging out naked on adult websites. The construction interrupts their impromptu session and Violet screams in irritation. She decides to find out who is at the bottom of it. She asks Cooper to go with her, but Cooper has patients. Violet, obviously, does not. So she Nancy Drews alone.
Pete tries to convince Sam to hit the bars again tonight, but Sam's not sure because he just got out of a long-term relationship with Naomi. I think that's called a marriage, Sam. Sam talks about dating loudly enough for Naomi to hear and look vaguely hurt. Or not. It's hard to tell. Sam sees her and tries to apologize, but she can't talk about it now-- They have to go to the hospital because Frances has been in an accident. At the hospital, Billy Dee is hooked up to some oxygen and Frances has a nasty looking gash on her head. Billy Dee doesn't want to hear about a nursing home, but Sam thinks the situation is getting dangerous. Naomi is more intrigued by Frances's chart and the fact that she never got a CT scan to prove the Alzheimer's diagnosis.
Addison brings Wife Number 1 back to the clinic to give her the bad news: her baby has the genetic disorder. I would tell you what that disorder is, but they keep saying it really quickly and it sounds like DeGeorge? Or Degorge? Gegourd? And I don't want to Google it and end up crying over pictures of babies with facial abnormalities. I'm too sensitive. So I'm going to stick with being vague. Addison reports that the baby will survive, but will have cardiac, hormonal, and facial abnormalities and require constant medical care. Addison, Cooper, and Pete round-robin the bad news and you finally realize what the benefit of such a practice might be. They tell her that 50% of patients in her situation keep the baby, the other 50% don't. Number 1 freaks out, obviously, and wishes her husband was there, obviously, to help her make the life changing decision. I'm sure Addison will do it for her by the end of the episode.
Violet turns detective and heads to the fourth floor with a magnifying lens and a hunting cap. She makes her way through the crowd of construction workers and discovers that the person behind the construction chaos is: Charlotte! Charlotte confesses she is opening a clinic there. Violet demands Charlotte tell Cooper, but Charlotte doesn't think she has to. Work is work and personal is personal. Violet demands that Charlotte tell him, or she will. Charlotte sighs at the moral imperative. I don't understand what the big deal is about opening a clinic in their building. There are thousands of medical office buildings filled to the brim with nothing but medical practices. And if they really cared that much they should have put a non-compete business clause in the lease.
Addison and Pete are deep in their weekly ethical dilemma. Addison wants to tell Number 1 about her lowdown dirty husband because if she decides to keep the baby she will be doing it under the mistaken belief that she has a loyal husband. Her husband might be loyal and a bigamist. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Of course there is the possibility that she will find out that her husband is a bigamist and leave him, resulting in the same thing. Pete tells Addison that it is none of their business, but Addison does not compute. Everything is her business. She's a doctor! Pete tells her that if she tells Wesley's wives, he will personally turn her in to the AMA. Addison points out that bigamy is actually illegal, but Pete doesn't budge. Addison begrudgingly agrees not to tell the wives, but you can tell she is up to something. She chugs her smoothie with arched eyebrows, attempting to look innocent. Pete looks doubtful, but leaves it alone. Is Addison really planning on telling a woman that her baby has a near-fatal genetic disorder and her husband is a bigamist? Seriously? Seriously.
Addison and her atrocious looking smoothie go to find Dell. He is cleaning up his office. Addison bitchily tells him that she doesn't want him to use that space, but does want him to get Number 1 and Number 2 back in the office that day. Dell claims he can make the office work, but Addison tells him to clear out. Especially because he won't tell her why it is so urgent. Does she even realize how bitchy she is?
Sam goes to Naomi's office to talk about the whole dating thing. Naomi doesn't care. She has discovered that Frances may not have Alzheimer's at all! She might have MPH instead. Sam points out that an MPH diagnosis has the same effect as Alzheimer's. Naomi claims to have heard of a study where they drain spinal fluid and reduce pressure, resulting in moments of clarity in MPH patients. If Frances had clarity she would tell Billy Dee to put her in a home. Sam is doubtful. Isn't Naomi a fertility doctor? Does she read about spinal drainage for fun?
Dell announces that Number 1 and Number 2 are both back at the clinic. How on earth would he schedule that so quickly? I have friends I haven't seen in four months who live six blocks away and we can't figure out our schedules enough to get coffee. Yet these two women have nothing better to do than make repeat trips to the doctor's office? Number 1 has been there three times! And what is he telling these women to get them back in? Dell sticks Number 2 in one exam room and Addison steers Number 1 in there, too, claiming she wants Number 1 to have all the necessary information to make an informed decision. She pretends there has been some sort of double-booking on the exam rooms and leaves them alone to sort out the error. Pete figures out what she is doing. Moments later, Number 2 comes storming out of the exam room. How on earth did they figure out they were married to the same man in ten seconds flat? And if you did figure it out, wouldn't you want to stick around and ask more questions to make sure? Whatever. Pete asks Addison, "What did you do?" Addison justifies her actions because she didn't say anything. Who is she, Jan Brady? Pete yells that she overstepped boundaries. And, um, yeah. Have you met Addison before? She does nothing but overstep. Remember last week? When she talked the teenage father out of having a kid with his dying wife? Pete yells for a while, but when Wesley comes in, he gets out of the way. I wonder which wife called Wesley? Or was he in the parking lot with one wife and ducking the other? Wesley is outraged that Addison would do this to him. He loves them both! He married them both because he wanted to do the right thing. Addison tells him that he is cheating on two women and cheating ruins lives. Wesley gets quiet when he tells Addison that he is not the one who ruined lives today.
Cooper rushes to Violet's office to share the drama. I'm glad they are friends again, but I wish Amy B had better plots. Violet thinks the drama is sad, but Cooper thinks it is amazing. Cooper apologizes for not being more upfront about Charlotte. At the mention of the c-word, Violet walks out of her own office.
Addison and SWAT unwind with a little vino after work. Addison is shocked to learn that SWAT (and his stupid t-shirt) provide the alibis for guys stepping out on their wives. That does not sit will with Miss Moral Majority. She blinks a lot, sits up straighter, and crosses her arms and legs. He asks if she wants to talk about last night, but she doesn't. His phone buzzes and he has to go. When he heads off to grab his coat, Addison checks his call log. Someone named Leslie called five times. Leslie? Or Pat? Or Stef? Or Taylor? Whatever Addison, don't be such a girl.
Naomi reports to Sam that she got Billy Dee to agree to the spinal drainage. Sam is unimpressed. For some reason he is convinced that Naomi wants to do the procedure for her own benefit. I honestly have no idea what he is talking about. As he angrily gets in the elevator, Naomi's phone rings. It's Addison. She has lost her freaking mind. After checking his call log she decided to follow SWAT to work. She thought her concerns were justified when he came tearing out of the police station in a van. Naomi wisely suggests that maybe he is working. Despite the fact that the van is really really obviously a SWAT van, Addison isn't so sure. She is still following the van when it puts its police lights on, and it finally dawns on her that he really might be working. Before she can drive off in silent humiliation, her car is surrounded by cops. She is ordered out of the car and handcuffed for obstructing justice, which is typically a civil and thus non- handcuff-able offense. SWAT finally notices her and Addison tries to play it cool, which is pretty much impossible at this point, what with being pushed up against the car and handcuffed. I hate embarrassing television. It is just too hard to watch!
Despite the fact that her boyfriend can vouch for her non-terrorist tendencies, Addison is still handcuffed and locked in the back of a police car. Maybe SWAT is teaching her a valuable lesson. He gets in the front of the car and demands to know why she followed him. She explains that after meeting her normal-looking bigamist patient, she freaked. She checked his Blackberry, saw the calls from Leslie and decided to check her out. SWAT points out the very obvious fact that Leslie is a man. Addison makes a D'oh! face, but can't come up with a good answer when SWAT asks why she is looking for reasons not to trust him. He kicks her out of the car, unhandcuffs her and sends her away.
At work the next day Addison complains to Naomi that her boyfriend thinks she's a psychotic bunnyboiler. Heh. I was totally going to say that. Addison admits that she screwed up. Speaking of screwing up, Pete has brought Number 1 and Number 2 together again. Why would they agree to come in again? Especially right after they found out about their cheating husband? Number 1 doesn't even go to that doctor's office! Why would she come back after Addison's stunt? I do not know. I give up. I am throwing up my hands in defeat. This storyline has so many gaps in logic that I am not even going to pretend to make sense of it all. I'm just going to report what happens. Anyway, Number 1 feels sick, Number 2 feels guilty. Pete wants them both to know that neither of them did anything wrong. It's all Wesley's fault! Pete wants them to find their common ground. Their kids will be siblings! They have to be BFF to make the holidays workable. Number 2 is worried because she is not sure she can handle a medically challenged special-needs child by herself. Surely Number 1 will help out, right? Why wouldn't she! She'll already have two kids of her own, why not help her husband's other child in her spare time? It's her kids' half-sibling, surely she'll want to be involved in its life. Just like on Brothers & Sisters . All the drama makes Number 1's water break.
In the operating room Billy Dee is in scrubs and holding Frances's hand while Naomi drains spinal fluid. He isn't sure he made the right choice, but he really wants Frances to see him and recognize him. He just loves her so darn much!
Number 1 is eight centimeters dilated. She wants her husband, but not really, but she doesn't want to be alone. Hmm...I wonder what is going to happen?
Violet finds Charlotte on the fourth floor. Violet posits that Charlotte is as scared as Cooper that the relationship is turning serious and she is trying to sabotage it. Charlotte scoffs that Violet isn't half the therapist she thinks she is. Violet walks off to tell Cooper the truth.
Frances isn't responding to the procedure and while Billy Dee holds her hand and sighs, Sam and Naomi watch from the doorway. Naomi reminds him that they just wanted to try, but they weren't sure it would work. Billy Dee starts talking to Frances about the day last fall when she forgot him. Naomi then decides to pretend to be Frances's sister so she can boss her around. She asks Frances to wake up because she has to help her husband. In a moment straight out of the Hallmark Christmas Special, Frances wakes up just as everyone was giving up hope. She is lucid enough to know that she is sick and has been taxing Billy Dee's energy. He does look awful. She tells him to put her in a nursing home. She makes him to promise to visit her every day. He promises.
Number 1 is pushing her baby out. She has Pete and Addison, so why wouldn't Number 2 walk in, fully-dressed in scrubs, and help her? They will raise their babies together! Number 2 takes her hand and Number 1 pushes the baby out.
Violet needs to talk to Cooper. He is relieved because he knows something has been bothering her. He gives her the same speech as last week about how he is here for her even though he has a girlfriend. Violet is so touched by the recycled speech that she decides not to tell him about Charlotte. Candy-ass.
Billy Dee, Sam, and Naomi wheel Frances out of the hospital. Frances is already back in her fugue state. Billy Dee is sad about putting her in a home, but he promised! He hasn't slept alone in forty years and can't imagine what it will be like. Naomi pats him on the back and says it will be okay. When Billy Dee walks off, Naomi pats Sam on the back and makes it clear that although they love each other they won't be living together anymore. And it will be okay.
Number 1 is so happy to have her new baby. Number 2 is glowing with excitement about her new family. She wants to know everything about her baby's life-threatening syndrome because she is going to keep her baby. Number 1 promises to always be there for her. Wesley barrels into the room. Number 1 screams for him to get out and Pete hustles him out the door. In the hallway, Wesley protests, but Pete is feeling rather Mama Bearish and tells him to stay away and spend the rest of his life taking care of those two special women and their special babies. Wesley is chastened and silent. Who called him anyway? Oh whatever.
The next day, Addison complains that she still hasn't gotten a call from SWAT. He has to call her? Naomi assures her all will be fine. They hear giggles and follow the sound to Dell's office. He is playing with a little girl in the office he made for himself. He is swinging Betsy around in his chair and when he sees Addison and Naomi, he introduces them as "daddy's coworkers." They are stunned. Dell sends Betsy off to color so he can explain in peace. Dell never told them about Betsy, because they never let him get a word in edgewise. He was 17 when Betsy was born, her mother is an addict, and last month she relapsed. He just wanted Betsy to be proud of him and know that at least one of her parents has it together. That's why he needed the office. Addison finally feels guilty enough to give in and let Dell have his damn office already. Seriously, why is she being such a bitch about the damn office? I don't get it. It was storage!
Back at the bar, Sam flirts bravely under Pete's watchful eye. At Charlotte's house, Cooper tells Charlotte that he told everyone about her and they just had to deal. Charlotte is pleasantly surprised that Violet didn't spill the beans on her career plans. She still doesn't tell Cooper, though.
SWAT finally shows up for his explanation. Addison sits him down and confesses that she cheated on her ex-husband with his best friend and then he cheated on her. So when SWAT said, "I love you," she went to a dark place, not a happy one. And Addison likes him a lot and all, but she is not in a place to say "I love you" back. But if SWAT (and his t-shirt) stick around, she might get there. And then she could boil his bunny. And do they have to play Belinda Carlisle? Do they? I guess they do. Addison cries and apologizes and SWAT kisses her. Ooh baby do you know what that's worth? Ooh Heaven is a place on earth.