The Legend of Merle McQuoddy
Updated 2008-12-11 10:48:35
It gets more and more difficult to write about this amazing show as each week passes. As each sneaky double entendre cracks me up, I feel a bitter sting knowing that I'll have to find my mildly off-color and subtle humor elsewhere. As each fabulous costume appears, I dread seeing TV shows that are filled with boring drab Banana Republic clothes instead of the bright, candy-colored and clever concoctions that currently light up my screen. But on the positive side, this show gets better and better each week, so that's something, right? This episode is no exception.
The episode begins with the cutest little claymation animation ever. It's got a father and daughter riding on a pair of camels walking through the desert. It is a 600 mile stretch of wilderness known as the Rub' al Khali desert. It looks not altogether unlike the scenes of Charles Charles, Dwight Dixon and Ned's Dad in the desert for their job. Then the camera pans back and we see young Chuck and her father playing with figures, dressed as adventurers and having a grand old time.
Young Chuck is, eight years, eight months, 21 days old and suffering from a nasty case of the childhood ailment of the chicken pox, and Charles Charles cooked up this plan to distract her. Jim Dale tells us that it relieved the itch, but replaced it with a burning desire for adventure. Her father promised to take her on adventures, but a month later he died. Young Chuck learned the lesson that one can never recapture what once was. Until she kept her father alive without telling Frere Piemaker.We head straight headlong into the final scene from last week's episode where Ned is at his old house, in his childhood bedroom, discovering that his beloved Chuck lied to him and kept her father alive. He's in a stunned state. Lily and Vivian come over to check out the situation, Lily's got her gun a blazin'. Ned tries to shut the door on them, but Lily is not one to be easily dissuaded, as she plows her way in as Chuck and Charles Charles seek shelter in the closet. Lily is "spittin' pissed at being served up a steaming plate of door." Vivian disagrees, even though at this point she's wearing the most outrageous ensemble that is all sparkles and marabou. She doesn't get pissed because she was told once by a gypsy that it brings on hemorrhoids. Good to know. See, this show teaches!
Chuck and Charles Charles are squashed together in the closet and he really doesn't understand why he just can't go out and talk to Lily. Because a guy who is swaddled in bandages and has been dead for 20 years is likely to freak out a person. Even if said person is your former lover. Chuck insists they can't know that Charles Charles is undead. Charles Charles thinks her aunts have the right to know. Well, except for the one that is her mother. Dad's impressed she figured that out. He makes sure that she's OK. She is. Especially now that she has her dead dad back. For the record, I'm not loving this whole Charles Charles plotline. I liked scheming Dwight Dixon.
In Ned's room, Lily is giving Ned the third degree about his rude reception. He shrugs and says he thought they were home invaders. Ned should never lie. He's too adorably bad at it. Lily says that she doesn't understand why he called their names then. Must have been her bad eye, er ears. Nice try, Ned. Vivian said that they were worried Ned had been taken down by the potential stalkers that were living in his house. Nope, the coast is clear, according to Ned. Just ignore that whole squeaking noise coming from the closet. Ned poorly lies that the noise was emanating somehow from himself. A little gastrointestinal upset perhaps? Lily, always being one to act first, ask questions later, pulls open the door, and shoots at the first thing that moves. In this case it is a clown toy, which, in fairness, probably had it coming for pure creepy factor alone. Lily breaks down in tears. But it isn't because she's upset at shooting something, nope, not our Lily, she's made of sterner stuff. She's just freaked out because it is a clown and she has a debilitating fear of them. Vivian says Lily's had the Coulrophobia, since their grandpa chased her around the house with a clown. I'd be freaked out and carry a weapon just in case if that happened to me, too. Jim Dale says that thanks to Chuck's smart thinking, and use of creepy clown toy, she saved herself from an upsetting conversation with her mother. How would that go exactly? I wonder how Lily feels about zombies. Methinks she'd be trigger happy.
Once Vivian escorts a sobbing Lily out of the house, Chuck bravely opens the closet door to find a devastated Ned standing in the middle of his room. Chuck says that they need to talk. Ned puts on his pissed off face, hemorrhoids be damned, and bluntly informs her that she doesn't want to hear what he has to say.
There is a storm front moving in to Papen county. Which well-suits Ned's surly mood. He stands on the roof, next to the bees. Chuck sheepishly comes up behind Ned and says she's been so upset that she can't sleep. Bringing back the dead will do that to you. Ned wants to know who had to die in Charles Charles' place. It was Dwight Dixon. Chuck says that Emerson thinks that the sniper bearing Dixon was planning on killing both Chuck and Ned. Which is good, because Chuck and Ned are still alive, but Ned's not too happy that Emerson has been involved in this whole re-alive dead dad plot. Ned looks like he's physically in pain as Chuck continues that Emerson helped bury Dwight Dixon in Charles Charles' open and now-unused grave. Emerson told Chuck to own up to the errors of her ways, she begged for a little bit more time, and now Ned discovered the secret before she had a chance to tell him. He wants to know what she was planning on saying. She says she'd have admitted that she was reckless, but she refuses to apologize for anything other than deceiving Ned. She's pleased as punch that she has her daddy back. Even if he's covered in bandages and sort of decrepit. Ned's surprisingly touched by this. He understands the impulse to re-alive people. He did it with her and he's not sorry. Chuck grabs a big old brown tarp and wraps her arms around him. After squeezing him so hard he can't breathe (not that he's complaining, mind you) she wants to know what the next step is. Ned's got some rules for becoming "one big happy, albeit unconventional family." Which includes two re-alived people, one re-alived dog and a piemaker who can re-alive all that and more! Interesting. He says they can figure it out, as long as they are together. Chuck looks at him all dreamy-eyed and confirms they are "so together that electrons couldn't get between us." Nice to know that someone paid attention in high school science class. Ned tells Chuck that she's beaming. She says she's not the only one, as she looks off in the distance. Ned glances over his shoulder and sees a Bat Signal in the sky. Except instead of a bat, it is a dead woman.
It's the body of Nora McQuoddy. We learn, courtesy of Jim Dale, that she was a Papen county lighthouse keeper, who made a fatal mistake and was offed (while Windexing) by the Gorton's Fisherman with an industrial sized harpoon. The killer wanted everyone to know where the dead body could be found.
A news reporter says that the prime suspect, the presumed yellow-raincoat wearing murderer, is Merle McQuoddy, the victim's husband. At the Pie Hole, Emerson says "that's one shady shadow puppet," just as the storm knocks out the power. But the delightfully enthusiastic Olive Snook pops up from behind a table, with a flashlight under her chin to regale her friends with the apparently well-known (though not to Ned, Emerson or Chuck, somehow) legend of Merle McQuoddy. You get the feeling that she was a hoot telling urban legends and horror tales around the campfire. She claims that out of all the "enigmatic, esoteric local ghost stories," his was her favorite. See, I want to hear the rest of these stories. This is why this show needs to go on. Or just have Kristen Chenoweth delight us with a 15-minute installment each week with a wild and outlandish tale. I'll take what I can get.
The tale goes as such, according to Olive: "Merle McQuoddy was a salty sailor, who left his lighthousekeeper wife and young child on a fishing voyage ten years ago. Only to vanish...." (She shines the light on a stunned looking Ned, a fascinated Chuck and a skeptical Emerson... per usual) "Without a trace. Bom bom bom bom. Mariners swear that his ghost haunts the sea caves by the harbor and when the lighthouse shines you can hear his ghoulish moans as he cries out for someone, anyone, to guide him home... and boo!" Ack! Everyone jumps. Olive starts snickering uncontrollably.
In actual fact, the facts were these, per Jim Dale: A jaunty looking Merle McQuoddy did take off in an oversized cable knit sweater ten years ago for a fishing voyage. His boat, the Knockout Nora, was loaded down with Dungeness (crabs), when it was put out of commission by Typhoon Tyrone. For nine years, eleven months and five days, Merle McQuoddy was alive, but alone on a deserted island growing a Rip Van Winkle/Tom Hanks in Castaway style beard. And even though this particular variety of crab is mostly found in Alaska and California, he apparently got tossed really off his route because he's on a tropical island, but whatever. Who cares? This show is like The Simpsons sometimes with its devil may care attitude towards geography, but I'm willing to overlook such things because it is just so freakin' clever. Especially since it is a show that can subtly intertwine Pete's Dragon references (the classic kid movie involves a lighthousekeeping woman named Nora, who lives in Passamaquoddy, who loses her true love at sea and it involves strange noises coming from caves) into a mysterious I Know What You Did Last Summer -esque tale. While Merle was lazing away on a deserted isle, Nora kept watch in her lighthouse, hoping that her husband would return. One day, her wish was granted. Merle was rescued by a gay family cruise ship. Next time we see him, he's proudly waving a pride flag and wearing an "I Love My Gay Moms" T-shirt.
Olive, still in ghost tale telling mode, informs the Pie Holers that Merle is not the man he used to be. He would roam the beaches at midnight and was prone to rages. He's now a murderer at large. Just then, the door to the Pie Hole opens, with a little jingle of the bells. The gang sees a shadowy Gorton's fisherman person in the doorway and they all begin to scream. Including the ghost friendly Olive.
When we return from commercials, we see that it isn't Merle, but instead his son is Elliot McQuoddy (Elliot also being the name of the dragon in Pete's Dragon ... I'm just saying). He was told (by someone at the Dim Sum Palace perhaps?) that Emerson could be found at the Pie Hole. He wants to employee Mr. Cod's services to clear his father's name. He's got a jar filled with spare change as payment. It's his entire life savings, which he accumulated combing the shoreline near his lighthouse home with his metal detector. The girls immediately flank this poor, sad teenage boy, but Emerson is less than thrilled. He asks for the details. Elliot's mom dropped her son off at the movies (with homemade peanut brittle -- delicious) and didn't return to pick him up. He walked home and the cops were everywhere and told young Elliot that his dad was responsible. Ned comes in bearing pie and a huge container of ice cream, and asks Elliot if he'd like it a la mode. "Lots and lots, please. Who knows when I'll get another meal without mom to make it." At which point he leans his head awkwardly on Olive's ample bosom for comfort. She pats him and pushes him off, at which point he tries for Chuck. What a little schemer! Emerson's not won over by this little scene. He tells the kid he can't help him, because eyewitnesses saw Merle fleeing the lighthouse. But Elliot knows his dad was happy that their family was finally reunited and he'd never do such a thing. Ned just continues eating ice cream straight from the giant carton (can't let it go to waste now with the power out.) A poor dejected and essentially orphaned Elliot runs off to the bathroom. Emerson says, "Hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case." He does however take Elliot's pie a la mode. He thinks that Merle's ship came back "minus a few oars." He doesn't like getting involved in open and shut cases, especially when only spare change is offered as payment. "Plus, I don't work in the rain." To which Ned has the best throwaway line ever, "Clearly, you don't hate being a bitch that much." Nice. Chuck offers up her third of the cut, though she's going to take a personal day, to deal with "personal persons." Reluctantly, Emerson agrees, though he's gonna need to get a new raincoat.
At the morgue, Emerson, who apparently needed rubber shoes to go with this requested raincoat, is griping about his "custom cobbled" wing tips that got water damage in the rain. Ned tries to move things along -- he's got to go get Chuck's father a "welcome back to life gift." Emerson, who rules in this episode entirely, says that the perfect gift would be to tap him back to death. He worries that Charles Charles is going to run into the streets and spill Ned's secret to the world. Simple solution, according to Emerson: "Tap that." Which sounds so wrong on so many levels. Ned can't do it, but Emerson insists he can make it look like an accident. "Trip over an ottoman, Dick Van Dyke that ass." At which point I have to stop watching this episode for a while, because I'm laughing too hard at the visual of Ned flipping over an ottoman and flipping into Charles Charles, with a bit of flare. Of course, in my mind Chuck is wearing the cutest little pair of capri pants and the tightest little cardigan of all time, with her hair done in classic Mary Tyler Moore style. But I digress, Ned wants to get on with the re-aliving.
They pull the sheet off of lighthouse lady, who currently looks like a fried egg. She's a big glob of white goo, with her yellow rainhat in the middle. Ned wants to know what happened to her face, looks like the light, from the beacon, melted her. Ned zaps her and they get down to the questioning portion of the episode. Or they try. But since Nora's face looks like a slightly mushier version of Cassandra's from Doctor Who , she's unable to answer. Emerson says "aw hell, we've got a melty mouth," like this is an everyday occurrence. They try yes or no questions, but she can't nod. So she starts tapping with her finger, in Morse code. At which point we learn that Ned can understand Morse code, because he learned it from Charles Charles when he and Chuck were just little neighbors who wanted to talk with flashlights late at night. Who committed the murder? She taps out, "P.C.H.S." Ned thinks this could be pekiss or peaches. The latter suggestion he literally spits at Emerson, who, after taking a moment to wipe the spit from his eye, explains that it's an acronym. It stands for Papen County Historical Society.
The trio begins to leave the morgue, when they spot Olive in the hallway. She's wearing an insanely neon bright outfit, topped with a clear rain slicker that has green pimento olives on it. This is freakin' genius. Out of the bag that she's got with her she pulls a similar raincoat out for Emerson, except his has codfish on it. Also genius. And one for Ned, that has pies on it. Not as genius, but still cute. She says that together they are a crime fighting team, so of course they need coordinating wardrobes. She keeps calling Emerson, "Papa" and herself "Mama" which causes Emerson make this constipated face. Ned informs "mama" that she and papa are on their own, as he has to go take care of a thing. Olive looks positively dejected as he walks away, not even taking his raincoat (it is still raining out after all). Emerson says, "Hey, Mood Swing Sally, anchors away." Guess she's his crime fighting partner for the Merle McQuoddy mission, whether either of them likes it or not.
At Ned's childhood home, Chuck politely asks her father if he wants some pie. He says no, that he'd rather have cake. Ned looks aghast. Charles Charles wants to know when his little girl started eating pie instead of cake. Again, this could be so wrongly misconstrued. Anyway, apparently Chuck has come to appreciate the fruity delicious treat. "No cake? At all?" asks Charles Charles. I don't like him one bit. And I'm not just biased because I personally can't stand cake. OK. Maybe I am a little. Ned changes the subject, as he hands Charles Charles a note that says that they should move Charles Charles to Ned's apartment. Charles Charles has no intention of moving, and he doesn't really care that Lily and Vivian could discover that Charles Charles is alive again... which is just really "a hop, skip, and a jump to angry mobs with pitchforks." Charles Charles thinks that he wants to keep his distance from Ned, because he doesn't want to get accidentally returned to the grave. However, he's actually even more concerned that Ned might accidentally kill Chuck. I think this is a very valid point, because for all of the safeguards they have in place, in this scene (among many others) Ned and Chuck are sitting precariously close together. And while they are wearing jackets, they could easily move quickly and return her to the grave. It makes me so nervous. Charles Charles worries that Deadly Nedly (perfect!) could trip and kill her again. Charles Charles wants to make a deal; he'll play by Ned's rules, if Ned leaves his daughter alone. Forever. At which point he reaches out and grabs Ned's jacket arm, awfully close for comfort to Ned's skin, and delivers this threat.
At the Pie Hole, Olive looks at a flyer for the P.C.H.S. The folks who run it turn out to be the first family of Papen County. Emerson says they are a bunch of "blonde over blue Children of the Corn." He's on fire this week. Olive wants to know who is up first. It's Gus. He's the Rosemary Kennedy of the clan, stuck doing the historical society stuff, while brothers one through four are real estate moguls. They share a chuckle, when Gus walks in. She greets him and asks about her application to turn the Pie Hole into a historical monument (as it should be.) He says there is no way in hell because of how they ruined the perfect architectural specimen with the stucco crust overhang. Whoops! Emerson starts to put the squeeze on Gus, as he does, with his questions about Nora's murder. While Merle was lost at sea, Gus helped Nora out by using his family name to get the lighthouse made a historical monument, and the McQuoddy clan declared its lifelong guardians, or until the sun destroys the earth thanks to solar flares. Whichever comes first. Emerson's interest has been piqued to discover that Elliot is now in charge of lighthouse upkeep. Gus directs the dynamic detective duo to Annabelle Vandersloop. Both she and Nora volunteered in the diorama exhibit. Gus declares that to be a depressing word. When he says it is because it has the word die in it, thunder rumbles in the background. Gus does like Rama, for the record.
At Ned's apartment, where some sort of agreement must have been reached, Chuck is handing her dad a walkie talkie, so they can keep in touch, and her box of mementos. He sees the picture of himself during his days in the United Nations Peace Keepers, and thanks her. Ned sets down a ginormous chocolate cake on the table. Oh, he's just trying so hard. Sweet. I don't eat cake, but this masterpiece looks delicious. Chuck looks surprised, and then heads off so Charles Charles can settle in. Ned sits down next to his girlfriend's father, looking hopeful. He says he's got plenty of milk to go with the cake. But Charles Charles doesn't think he should have gone through so much trouble. Ned wants to make things go as smoothly as possible, and whips out the playbook that he crafted. It's everything that pertains to the Alive Again lifestyle. Charles Charles wants to know if this means his corpse face. Yes. Among other things. Ned's rules include, but aren't limited to, staying inside with the curtains drawn, no contact with the outside world, unless via telephone and then only with the approved list of aliases (they can be found on page 13), and constantly wearing latex gloves. At which point Charles Charles informs him that he's already wearing gloves. Ned adorably says there is no harm in double bagging it. Oh show. How you get away with such things. But this leads to an uncomfortable corpse glare (if there is such a thing) and Ned insisting that he's really trying. Charles Charles wants to get to the point, which is that Ned killed him. Uh oh. Seems like Frere Piemaker didn't count on him putting that one together so quickly. He wants an apology, and forgiveness isn't going to come easy. Then Charles Charles takes Ned's Alive Again book and heads off to do some reading, leaving our poor piemaker looking worse for wear on his couch.
Above the pork bun place, Emerson and Olive are interviewing Annabelle Vandersloop (played by Mary Kay Place). She and Nora worked together as part of the notable widows club, where they pay tribute to their husband's death via dioramas. Olive would love to get involved. She loves dioramas. Of course she does. But since she's just a sad single girl who hasn't yet suffered the tragedy of losing one's spouse, preferably in a tragic accident of some sort, she is not eligible. The loss of her beloved horse doesn't count. "Expired spouses only." Annabelle demonstrates her prize diorama, which is a tribute to her beloved husband, who was a munitions expert. Ms. Vandersloop presses a button and her carefully crafted mansion goes up in a glittery explosion, at which she cheers ... for herself. "One can never add enough glitter to a husband's memory." She hopes this demonstration explains to Olive how her "pony death" might make a mockery of this classy affair. At which point a delighted Olive tells her that she's got cotton balls stuck to her perfectly polished suit. Emerson brings things back to the point. Did Merle kill Nora to become a notable widower? Ms. Vandersloop: "I was with sweet Nora when she heard the news that a homosexual boat had rescued Merle. Can you imagine the joy of starting over with a husband you thought you'd lost?" She looks pointedly at Olive before continuing, "No. You can't." Annabelle says that Nora had recently put the kibosh on a father-son sailing trip around the world, which she presumes pushed her over the edge. "Life, you can't make this crap up." True words, Ms. Vandersloop. Olive's fake smile turns serious as Annabelle leaves the room, diorama in hand. Olive's on to Elliot, a momma's boy who didn't mention his momma issues. "What gives?" She wonders. She's really way too into this crime solving stuff. And at least she's more useful at picking up clues than Chuck.
At the lighthouse, a rather put upon real estate salesman says that they shouldn't bother signing in because the open house is officially off. Emerson and Olive in raincoats want to know who he is. Willie Gherkin (and I'm not even going to touch that name... I just... ) who is from Smiley Realty. Olive: "You lost your smile, pickle." He just found out that he can't sell the land because it is a historical monument and he's bummed, because this isn't the way The Secret is supposed to work. He's so over-the-top effeminate. I love it. They want to know where Elliot is. Willie: "That little bowl-cut split. But not before I advanced him 10 grand against the sale." The plot thickens and the boob-obsessed, change-bearing teenage boy is looking more and more suspicious. Willie continues that it is because Merle and Elliot were heading out of town and needed quick cash, which may or may not be legal, but Willie should be forgiven because he's new at this. And he's got cookies. He thinks he's going to return to personal training, at least there he was respected. Emerson does some wild gesticulating and speculating, while Olive tries to follow along (complete with hand gestures), which given their size difference is so oddly hilarious that I can't even deal. Olive points out that the weather is terrible, so they must be in hiding. She wants to smoke them out. Emerson, despite being named after a fish, doesn't like working in the downpour. Olive doesn't understand his rain hatred since he isn't a cat and doesn't have hair. He reveals that it is because he got dumped. He used to curl up with his ex on rainy days with some hooch and tomato soup and rain days always bring him down because of this fact. Olive says they can hang out in the lighthouse, since she's always wanted to visit. Of course she has. She takes a jug and blows, which gives Emerson the heebie jeebies, but her a theory on where the McQuoddy's are hiding. The sea caves. Emerson threatens to give them the back of his hand if he finds them. He stands up, at which point Olive flings herself at him doing a strange chest bump and saying "Booyah!" and then takes off running. Hysterical.
Ned's at the Pie Hole slamming around some dough. Someone's stress baking again. Chuck comes in and says she's off to the store with a list from her father. Chuck: "Slippers. Mouthwash. The last 20 years of my life back. He's so funny." Yeah, hysterical. Ned isn't amused, because now that Charles Charles has returned, Ned and Chuck get no alone time. Ned is also very scared of her father. She's giddy because she never thought her dad would get a chance to torture her first boyfriend. I bet her first boyfriend never imagined this scenario either. She says they get to be the teenagers they never got to be, what with him at the Horrible School for Unloved Children and her living life with the agoraphobic Darling Mermaid Darlings and all. She tells Ned he's the studly quarterback and she's the flirty head cheerleader. Remember the role-playing that Lily said she did? I think her interest in it must have rubbed off on Chuck. Like mother, like daughter. She says they can sneak around and stay out late. She then crabs a piece of saran wrap, holds it up to Ned's face and gives him a big kiss. This is genuinely romantic, if you can get past the taste of plastic, but it freaks me out so bad that I'm having a hard time getting swept up in the moment. Her one hand is so dangerously close to his forehead and then as the kiss deepens she moves even closer to him, almost giving me a panic attack. After they separate Ned gives his goofy grin, and says he needs more convincing, which Chuck is happy to dispense. She'll see him later behind the bleachers, he tells her to bring her pom poms and he looks positively love struck as she takes off. That is until a newspaper (which has the lead story of "Council Plan Reaches $2 million," instead of reporting on Nora's death, like I would have guessed) moves out of the way of a customer revealing one Charles Charles.
Dad caught Nedly making time with his daughter. That's against the rules. Ned kicks all the other customers out of the Pie Hole, by way of making up a gas leak, chock full of radon covered in asbestos. But when he turns around Charles Charles is gone. Ned hears a noise in the kitchen and Chuck's dad is looking for a snack, some cake. Apparently he doesn't like chocolate. What kind of person is he? Seriously. Charles Charles has it all worked out. He'll just tell people he's a burn victim. He's been walking around for an hour, and no one has even noticed him. Or at least no one has run screaming. He wants to know why he should play by the rules when Ned clearly isn't. Much as I kind of hate him, and really am not a fan of this whole bizarre storyline, he does raise some very good points. I can see why Lily liked him. Charles Charles says that no one will be after him, they'll all want Ned and his Alive Again pointer finger. Giving a visual demo by tossing an apple at Ned that shrivels and dies ... again. Ned insists that no one cared about Dr. Frankenstein, they were only after his monster. Point for Ned. He then says that Charles Charles is putting Chuck's life in danger. Another point for Ned. But Charles Charles grabs a mop and starts attacking Ned, who only has a broom in defense. This physical squabble ends with Ned shutting Charles Charles in a closet. And Ned looks surprised at himself.
Olive and Emerson head into the sea caves. Olive says if she sees McQuoddy she'll just die. Not in the whole bloddy horror movie kind of way, like the way you'd freak if you saw a celebrity. She does love her urban legends after all. Then she starts screaming when she actually sees him. She puts on a brave front at least. Elliot's apparently off gathering supplies, so at least he won't be trying to cop a feel. Olive says she knows all about the "McQuoddy Family Killers Cruise." Catchy. Merle said that he wanted to come back to his happy life, but Nora, despite her pining, had moved on. Or "found her bearings" as the case may be. Merle headed back to the caves where he's comfortable and that's where he was when Nora was offed. Emerson doesn't understand why he didn't go to the police. Simple. Merle: "Because I'm a ghost with an alibi as thin as fishing line." Elliot cooked up the plan to sail away. But Emerson wants to know why Elliot didn't tell them about his future stepfather. Apparently Nora didn't tell her son. Merle doesn't know who Nora's lover was, but he found a trinket that might help. Olive recognizes it immediately as a Dutch Love Spoon. Something that is given to women as a symbol of sweetness that they'll feed each other forever. Of course Olive is an expert on this. She's read the entire Harlequin library. Emerson sees that the spoon says A.P. Hearts N.M. Who is A.P? Seems likely that it is a Papen, since it is Papen County, and they are a Dutch family. But which one, they are such a vast family. Emerson says there's only one named Augustus. The trio says Gus Papen all at the same time. A-ha! Just like a Scooby Doo mystery. Merle tries to claim he figured it out first.
Back at the Pie Hole there's lighting and thunder like crazy outside, and Ned's cleaning up the very messy kitchen. Chuck walks in and wants to know what the deal is. Just a little father/boyfriend scuffle. Or tussle. Whichever you prefer. Charles Charles starts moaning in the backroom. Chuck runs to his aid, giving Ned a disapproving glare. Once she ushers her dad off to safety, she rounds on Ned and gives him the what for. Why would he have brought her dad to the Pie Hole? Not his fault, dad showed up. Chuck isn't buying it, she says dad knows the rules. Ned explains that Charles Charles is not one for chocolate or rules, so from this point on, he's doing his own thing. Chuck sighs and says she'll talk to her dad. Ned insists that they should handle it together. But she doesn't want them fighting any more. She can't handle it. She understands that her dad is stubborn, but insists that every dad is hard on his daughter's boyfriend. She thinks it is totally normal and that Ned needs to chillax. No. Not every dad tries to attack their daughter's boyfriend with a wooden mop. Ned's turn to get angry and says that this is a very different scenario. Chuck thinks they should just pretend that her dad has been in a coma all this time. Ned gets good and riled up and says that there is no use making believe that any of this is normal because Chuck's dad could go wild and spill the beans at any time. He wants to put a stop to it. Chuck is emphatically against re-deading him. Ned, while he's probably thinking that's a fabulous idea and he should have listened to Emerson when he had the chance, thinks they just need to work through this together. But if she's not game, Charles Charles is officially her problem. She storms out the Pie hole, with a thunder clap.
Upstairs in Ned's apartment, Chuck sits with her dad. He's got a cookbook of food from around the world. He encourages her to take a wooden spoon, tap the map and see where it lands. That exotic location is the parts unknown that they'll be heading for first. Chuck says the fight with Ned was a misunderstanding. Charles Charles starts reading one of Ned's elaborate Alive Again rules about crossing the room, rule number 21 to be specific. Charles Charles has no intention of living like that. He's back and he thinks that she deserves better, so he's going to try and give her the trips he promised her. She shouldn't be kept under lock and key. Chuck says her life is here. But Charles Charles says this isn't life, it is a freak show. Again, hate him, but valid point. He thinks if they get away from Ned they can do or be anything. Chuck wants things to be like they were when she was little. He thinks pie is so simple, he's offering her the more complex cake. It's got layers, filled with treasures to be discovered. Which will she choose? She snuggles up to her dad and takes the wooden spoon.
At Emerson's office, Olive is in his chair with her feet propped on the desk. She's just told Annabelle Vandersloop that Gus and Nora were involved. Annabelle seems shocked, and inquires whether Gus could have anything to do with the murder? Perhaps. Ms. Vandersloop: "Ms. Snook, I almost forgot, I told the notable widows your story. It made us realize how very blessed we are. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to be you." She's one of those hateful society women. I hope she gets what's coming to her. It's still pouring out. She takes her luggage, but her striking suit is covered in some mysterious substance. She tells "sad Ms. Snook" that she'll see her at the upcoming potluck, and runs smack into Emerson in the doorway. She gets some white dust all over his Saville Row Glen Plaid Cashmere jacket. She says it is just papier-mâché paste and it will come right out. She doesn't offer to pay for the dry cleaning, and she's gone. Emerson wants to know if his partner got any tidbits out of Vandersloop. Nope. But she's riled up for being so ill-treated. Emerson found something while he was snooping around in Gus Papen's office. It's a fancy proposal to redevelop the lighthouse, which includes a big waterslide that twists down the current historical landmark into a big pool. There's also a hotel, of course. Papen got a greenlight, but he needed to get rid of the McQuoddy's, so he could compete with his mogul brothers. He could off Nora and frame Merle with the crime. He could redevelop, so long as he could dispose of Elliot somehow. At this point Olive finds a note that says Elliot has an appointment with Gus at the lighthouse tonight. I love that this show exists in a world where people still write their appointments on scraps of paper and While You Were Out notepads, instead of using crackberries and cell phones.
At the lighthouse, where it is now snowing. Elliot McQuoddy is hanging off the side of the lighthouse and screaming. This elicits a synchronized "Oh HELL No!" from both Olive and Emerson. I can't tell you how often I've started using that in my life now. Thank you Emerson Cod/Bryan Fuller/writers for that. Gus Papen is hanging on to the string. Emerson and Olive hightail it to the top (does this place have an elevator? Because they aren't even out of breathe.) Emerson instructs Papen to step away from the boy. But Gus can't, he doesn't want the boy to die. Olive presumes this is some sort of reverse psychology. No. He really wants to save them. Could that be reverse, reverse psychology? Elliot screams up that it isn't Papen's fault. Whose fault is it then? Jim Dale tells us that it was Elliot's own fault. With the Nor'easter a brewin', he tried to do his mother's job and raise the signal flags, but he got tangled and fell over the side. Wait just one damn minute here? If Papen didn't do it, then who did? Papen has the most to gain by wiping out the McQuoddy line. Gus doesn't get to answer because another Gorton's fisherman dressed man walks in bearing a spear gun and points it right at the foursome.
After the commercial, the new mysterious stranger shoots off his spear gun and it unfurls a flag which welcome visitors to the Papen Lighthouse Resort and Day Spa. Nice. A spa too! Gus blows into a pitch pipe, which cues Fisherman No. 1 to start snapping and singing, while three more fisherman come up singing and snapping a catchy, jaunty tune. Olive joins right in. It's "Candle on the Water" from Pete's Dragon . Show. If I haven't said it enough. I love you. Just whole-heartedly. Emerson feels differently as he cocks his gun and tells them to "shut the a capel up." Brilliant. Gus heads into this schpiel to Elliot, presumably. That's how their cocktail hour will begin. Emerson notices a strange powder on the side of Gus's head. Elliot says that this whole thing seems very, very wrong. Elliot's still upset that Gus, a capella lovin' capitalistic Gus, was having an affair with his mom. He insists that she wanted to tell him, and they tried to put their feelings aside when Merle got home, but they couldn't get back their old magic. Gus just wants something good to come out of this whole mess. Olive's got ideas about how they should nix the glitter, and wonders if they got Annabelle Vandersloop to decorate the place. Emerson puts the glitter and papier-mâché together, he speculates that if "crazy craft lady" was up here, she might have put aside her glue gun for the night and picked up a more sizable weapon, like a harpoon. Glue guns can do some major damage though. I've lost layers of skin to them. Emerson shouldn't underestimate their usefulness in a crime scene. Innocent little Elliot, who doesn't understand the lengths a woman scorned will go, doesn't think his mom's best friend would have killed her. Emerson says that "Nora wasn't the only squeeze that Papen here was squeezing." Olive sees the papier-mâché and gets to accusing. "You were getting down with the diorama dame." She hit on him, a lot. That's it. Emerson: "You too must have been swapping something other than historical society factoids." OK. Maybe just once, at a Christmas party. Which totally doesn't count. Eggnog is a powerful substance. Emerson's got plans to rubber cement her ass to a prison bed.
As the a capella quartet trudges down to the lobby, a yellow-slicker clad person stands by the door, locking them all in. Sadly, it's not just a missing baritone as Emerson hoped. Instead it's Annabelle. "So much for keeping the innocent victim count down." Lovely. And despite Olive's hope that she "toots glitter," that's a string of gunpowder on the ground. Arranged in a very decorative and neat manner. Of course. Her husband Adolf, the munitions manufacturer, left her the remaining inventory. Such a useful legacy. She's been saving it for a rainy day. Gus wants to know why. She's bitter that he tossed their love aside. He thought it was one night, she thought it was deep and special. She's cuckoo bananas, and wielding an enormous match. She hoped that Merle's return would break up Nora and Gus, but alas, she had to take matters into her own hands. Gus adds fuel to the flame saying he still loves Nora. She lights the match. He doesn't understand how killing all these people will solve anything. Olive's on it: "I do, I do! When you called me sad Ms. Snook, oh, it really honked me off, but now I realize that you recognized sadness in me because you had it in you. The rest of you don't know what it's like to know in your heart that you love somebody and if you could only eliminate everybody else, maybe he'd finally, finally grasp what you've been trying to show him. That feeling you've been dying to recapture..."
Annabelle: "If only for a moment..."
Olive: "But that moment never comes, so what do you do? Decide not to love Ned?"
Annabelle: "Gus."
Olive: "Gus, Gus. See, I've tried that."
Annabelle: "Me too!"
Olive: "Did it work?"
Annabelle: "Heck, no!"
Olive: "So you know what I say?"
We will never find out as the a cappella group kicks in and we see Annabelle being shut into the slammer to serve her 30 year prison sentence.
Jim Dale tells us, while the a capella group continues to sing "Candle on the Water," that Elliot and Merle joined forces in the Papen venture to turn the lighthouse into a spa. They used the cash to go on fishing adventures around the world. Emerson is afloat in a sea of reward money from the Papen Country Historical Society. He shares the cash with Olive, the junior P.I. in training. She says she learned from the best. She turns to leave, but Emerson's got to make sure that she's not going to go all Annabelle Vandersloop on Chuck or any other Pie Hole peeps. She says she's still in love with Ned, and she burns and yearns for him, but there will be no harpooning. Emerson does the sweetest thing ever, and tells her that if being around the too cute duo ever gets too insufferable for her, she's welcome to work for him. All she's got to do is ask. He even hands her a cigar. Olive: "Emerson Cod. I think I may be winning you over." Emerson: "Itty Bitty. You made me love a rainy day again." And this normally unforgiving TV critic's heart grew three sizes that day. Seriously. This show. It just does things to me.
At the Pie Hole, Ned's sitting on a bench outside. Chuck sits down next to him. She's bundled up because of the snow, but I still get a little nervous. She says she used to compare her dad, unobjectively, to all the other dad's on their street. She was convinced he was the strongest, bravest and most fun man in the neighborhood. Ned says he indeed was. Chuck missed that and put him on a pedestal and is unwilling to see him differently. Charles Charles now wants her to leave town. Ned's heart skips a beat. Leave? What? All she has to do is choose cake over pie. He's trying to be her dream dad. Ned looks miserable. Like he may need more of those lozenges that he had from his magic dad induced heartburn. But Chuck eases his pain by telling him that she chose pie. She's safe and happy and loves their local adventures. Ned's not sure what he'll think, but she says that Charles Charles is waiting upstairs. Ned: "With a gun?" Nope. An apology; he wants them to start fresh, and Alive Again. Of course when they get upstairs Charles Charles is gone, he's not interested in hot toddies on the roof, he wants to indulge his wanderlust. There's a simple note that says, "I Chose Too." Chuck and Ned run after him, but they are too late as he's snagged Ned's car and is driving off.
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