Bring 'Em Young
Updated 2001-10-13 17:00:00
"Who needs the Quik-E-Mart," Max and Liz seem to ask, busting through the front door of the joint. Liz enters first, gun blazing and yelling, "Down! Down! Down!" like a crazed square-dance caller with "Rock Lobster" the only song in her arsenal. Max molecularly manipulates the surveillance camera while Liz brandishes the gun at the store's overnight proprietor (is that Sam? Would he be working the night shift in his own store?). Max, moving toward the back of the store, warns Maybe Sam, "Better do what she says. She's crazy." Sam hits the bricks as Liz vamps about staying on the floor, staying down, down staying, and staying down with downness. Max heads right past the Chupa Chups and the Mint Milanos, muttering something about "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" in his stoic alien way, toward the back of the store. He reaches the back, throwing a rack containing various bread products angrily to the side (take that, Dr. Atkins, his remaining strength seems to say). He holds his left hand in front of a bare wall, creating a red beam that looks like those laser pointers kids started bringing to school in eighth grade until you weren't allowed to bring them to school anymore because people who had those in other towns meant it was because they were in gangs. One can only hope Sam isn't at home, watching helplessly while his night guy is all getting shot up. Oh, wait. What am I talking about? Ain't nobody watching this at home.
Back outside, a mysterious car sits in front of Sam's House Of Sudden Endless Relevance. Inside of said car, an older man in a fedora speaks with an Italian-esque patois into a cell phone, "Yeah, I, uh, wanna repawt an awmed robbery in prawgress. At Sam's Quick Stawp on Highway 65. Yeah, hurry." Thank you for your contribution to the Glorified Extra Fund, Mr. Sin-NOT-tra.
Moving away the wall panel he red-laser-beamed so effortlessly (damn gangs, tearing this city apart), Max reveals a metal wall safe, which he opens easily. Another door opens, revealing a singular light and a staircase leading down. What's going on with the complex hall of mazes? Did I sit on my remote and accidentally switch over to Zork: The TV Show? For the love of all things, Max, switch your lantern on down there or you'll be eaten whole by a lurking grue! Sigh. They never listen. And next thing you know, lurking grue. Anyway, banter continues upstairs, as Liz keeps Sam's Henchman on the floor and the two perform the wholly original "I have a family!" passion play. Down the flight of stairs now, Max enters a huge room containing what looks like a giant spacecraft of some kind. He takes off the ski mask and gazes upon it. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crystal, which immediately begins to glow. He holds it up, and against the side of the Good Ship Tin-Foil-Pop appears a symbol, a sign, an insignia of some kind. Awwww. Mysteriously glowing orbs and the language of Zapf Dingbats. You'd better believe it's the same show, all right. As police sirens blare upstairs, lights blaze from the ship. Liz runs downstairs to fetch Max (referring to him by the secret armed-robbery name of, well, "Max") and the two leap into the car and take off. A police car rages behind them. Liz barks, "The gun," and Max takes the weapon, drops it onto the floor in front of him, waves a hand over it, and turns it into mustard! Okay, no he doesn't, but conventional show wisdom dictates that he could if he wanted to. Sorry for the egregiously first-season reference there, folks, but on my honor, I had to stretch back that far because I couldn't remember one damn thing that happened on this show for the entirety of last season. And I think the "writers" would agree that that's probably all for the best, wouldn't you agree?