Death Becomes Them
Updated 2002-02-17 16:00:00
Alien chaos. Morgan instructs a heavy to "bring him in." Said heavy directs a wheelchair -- occupied by an exceedingly fossilized fossil wearing an oxygen mask -- into the room. Morgan points at the wheelchair and stares down Max, putting forth the directive, "Heal him." Who is he? "My husband. Clayton Wheeler. He owns all this." How odd that they should be married and yet his last name is not also Fairchild. Liberated women nowadays. Porno steps forward in his shackles and accuses her thusly: "And you're just a few days from inheriting his millions?" Morgan tells him that she doesn't care about all that. She asks him if she's ever been married, and Porno tells her, "Once. It didn't stick." She tells him that she's been married for twenty-two years, and that after a while "motives change." I have absolutely no idea what's going on right now. People, the impossible has happened. Roswell has finally outwitted the recapper. This show has dumbed me down to the intelligence level of a smooth, shiny rock. Max asks Morgan what's wrong with him, and she lets us know: "He's old. Unfortunately, all the money in the world can't stop the aging process." They'd tried everything, until they heard about a girl in Roswell who was magically healed after being shot. And about some kids in Phoenix who were molested back to health a couple of Christmases ago. They thought Michael was the so-called "healer," but after Lenny/Carl didn't make the cut, it was back to the drawing board for Morgan and, um, Captain Morgan. Morgan again insists, "Heal him." But Max responds that it doesn't work like that, that he can't "save someone from a natural death." Yay, continuity! Who remembers that one? Who can guess? Oh, all right, I'll tell you. It was "Leaving Normal." Season One, Episode Four. Airdate October 27, 1999. See? I'm not retarded. I can remember things that happened two years ago! But, um, only if they're related to Roswell, I guess. Someone please remove me from this hell.
Except that it does work like that, apparently. The heavies put guns to Max's and Porno's neck, causing Max not to throw at his hand and toss everyone into corners, creating enough of a distraction for him to turn tail and run his ass off. No lime green jelly walls for him this time, nuh-uh. That's why that shot is no longer in the opening credits. Or perhaps it is. I have not watched them in close to a year, after all. Instead, he folds. He walks up to the old man and lays a hand on him. Lights and scary music. Max grows older than his already sixty-odd years. Porno yells for Max to stop, so a heavy takes a gun to the back of his neck and Porno goes down. Max ages a Dorian Gray age in no time, takes to the floor, becomes enveloped in a circle of light and fire, and dies. Porno crawls through the CGI fire yelling his name, but just as Porno gets close to him, Max poofs away in a cloud of dust -- just as we have wished would happen to him so many times -- and dies. Meanwhile, somewhere on the Vermont soundstage, Liz awakens in the Rat in a tizzy. Maria asks, "What happened?" Liz already knows: "Max is dead." That, and a week off. These truly are the salad days. Enjoy women's figure skating, folks. I'm, like, totally sure Max would have greatly enjoyed it.