Parental Guidance Suggested
Updated 1999-10-19 17:00:00
Fade in on an all-too-familiar red Jetta tearing down the one paved road under a desert blue sky. Christina Aguileras best-double-entendres-concerning-sex-and-teddy-bears-since-Brittany-did-it-two-weeks-ago classic "Genie in a Bottle" rages on the cars stereo. Cut to inside said vehicle, where Maria jams along karaoke style, crossing one hand over the other on the steering wheel and doing her best "Cyndi Lauper in the video for We Are the World" impression. Incidentally, it is becoming quite clear that the Roswell hair stylist has committed to memory the "Good Hairstyles Now Deemed Bad And Vice Versa" article from last weeks Bad Hair Weekly and liberally applied its teachings to Maria. In three episodes, this girls hair actually appears to be getting shorter with each passing moment. Between the dubious locks and the Army-surplus denim tank top, Marias transformation into GI Janes lesbian-chic daughter continues almost entirely unabated. Then something actually happens in the show, and I become angry that I cant continue ragging on Marias hair anymore.
And what happens is this: Maria sees a car being towed up ahead and realizes that the stranded driver is none other than Isabel Evans. Isabel stares at the only approaching car for miles and recognizes Maria, cynically muttering, "Of course." Whoa, Isabel -- where ARE you from anyway, Planet Martyr? Were the ones who have already endured over thirty Maria-soiled seconds (yes, I know Ive only recapped thirty seconds at this point, but, well, THAT HAIR), so get hip to the fact that this Maria-centric episode cannot be avoided, and start thinking of constructive ways in which you can keep her cartoonishness in check for an hour at a time.
Anyway, Maria pulls up and immediately puts her big foot in her mouth before Isabel even has a chance to try and make nice, querying, "Going home?" before noticing that the tow truck has a spaceship in the act of taking off on the top of it. And right off the bat, theres excruciatingly little doubt as to where Isabel would most like to see her own foot go. Regardless, its Marias last chance for a zany quip of any kind for some time, as we quickly learn that Maria is terrified of Isabel. On the ride back to town, Isabel molecularly manipulates the Jettas AC to make it blow colder, and the cars stereo to make it jam phresher. After all, this car needs some help because its so ancient; "its a 1992." I quickly take stock of my rapidly advancing age and realize that most of my favorite TV series had already been either canceled or doomed to syndicated obscurity on the Fox Family Channel by 1992. I scream raspily at the screen, "You rotten kids, with your rock music and your video games! Why, you better get offa my TV. Dont make me take off my belt!" Digression, thy name is this recap.