Chick-Magnet Of The Sea
Updated 2005-10-25 17:00:00
It's summertime in Smallville, and all the cool kids are hanging out at Crater Lake. Some folks are hanging out a little more than others -- like, say, Lois Lane in her bikini. She joins up with Chloe, Clark, and Lana, but gets into trouble when she takes a long walk off a short pier (did she overhear us talking about her?) and bonks her head. Clark goes to save her from drowning, but is interrupted by the teen version of Dolph Lundgren -- a square-headed, square-jawed, square-pectoral-muscled dude who swims like the wind and says "Bro" a lot. This is Aquaman. Aquaman rescues Lois with some mouth-to-mouth action, and before you can say "mononucleosis," they're sorta dating in a halting, awkward, badly acted way. Aquaman hates Lex Luthor because Lex is developing a sea weapon to sell to the military that would, as a side effect, kill a bunch of marine life. When Aquaman (or "A.C.," which is a desperate cry for "Acting Coach") finds out Clark's secret (and vice versa), the two team up temporarily to disable Lex's Weapon of Bass Destruction. Lex takes Aquaman hostage for a little while, denying him precious water, but Clark soon saves his new friend. Lex and Clark exchange harsh words about lies and how they're not chummy anymore (mmm, sea chum...) and as a by-product, Clark takes a research job with his new professor at the A&M he's now attending. The professor, played by one James Marsters, isn't a fan of Lex Luthor's, and is working on a project to expose LuthorCorp's dirty deeds. The professor is also a very smart guy -- you might even say brainy. Aquaman leaves town, fearing retribution from Lex, but not before using his giant robot head to kiss Lois's aging, non-emotive face. Clark tells her she'll meet someone even more super someday, but for now she's left to pine. It's all right, though. She'll always have Aquaman near her. After all, she's about 30% saline.