Bride
Updated 2008-11-21 08:36:00
And it all comes to this: winter hiatus is upon us and this is the last bit of action we'll get (unless you're sleeping with an elf) until January 15. Hell, we might even get a "Special Guest Star" in here somewhere.
We open on a video of Chloe's wedding day. Shot in grainy hand-held, you could just call it Chloeverfield. . We see Lois, wearing a low-cut satiny orange bridesmaid's dress, and Clark, wearing a suit, staring stiffly at the camera. They're inside the Kent home, by the stairs. The voice of the cameraman tells them to be natural and speak from the heart. I don't think we have that kind of liquor budget for Lois. Clark steps in front of her and tells us (the camera/Chloe and Jimmy) that he's so happy the two of them found each other. He says they're lucky to be together and that he's going to make sure their wedding day is perfect. He smiles goofily. Lois starts speaking, but the cameraman instinctively knows to move to Lois before she speaks. He's got Spielberg's instincts! Lois tells Clark to stop hogging the spotlight. She steps in front of him and tells her "Cuz" she loves her and wishes Chloe and Jimmy long, happy years together. Oh, the years on Smallville are never short, let me tell you. Lois quotes The General: "Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy." She suddenly realizes what an idiot thing it was that just came out of her mouth and has a moment of regret. "You can edit out that last part, right?" she asks. Wonk, wonk wonk... "Lois," Clark says, trying to smile for the camera.
Abrupt digital camera cut to static. There's a little white triangle on the left side of the screen that is meant to signify "Play," and it stays there the whole time. The next thing we see is the Kent Barn, converted into the Barnness of Huppahtude. Guests are waiting as Lois and Jimmy stand at the altar. Lois and Jimmy, in close-up, smile as the music starts and they see Clark and Chloe approaching. Everyone stands and claps as Clark leads Chloe down the precarious loft stairs. Clark is wearing an orange rose on his lapel. Chloe, her hair looking wavy and short, looks great in her bridal gown. We jump cut ahead to a female minister saying, "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." Jimmy lifts Chloe's veil and kisses her while she's smiling. Applause. They fall below the camera frame and we see that Jimmy has dipped Chloe as he continues kissing her. Smooth! Chloe beams.
Another abrupt cut. Lois speaks into a microphone. She asks everyone to help her welcome the newlyweds. Everyone cheers as Chloe and Jimmy walk together. Jimmy is also wearing the orange rose as well as a natty silver vest and tie under a traditional black tuxedo. Thank you for not going all dork-plaid on us, Jimmy. Another cut, this time to Jimmy and Chloe cutting the very cardboardy-looking wedding cake. The top layer actually looks like a wrapped roll of toilet paper. Something crashes loudly. Chloe looks up. "What was that?" she asks. Another crash. The lights flicker.
Another jump edit and people are panicking and running. "Oh my God!" someone yells. "Somebody help!" the cameraman cries. We see furniture crashing and quick shots of bloodied limbs. Screaming. A pixelated blur. Cut to: The camera is on the floor, tilted sideways. Chloe, on the ground, is holding Jimmy in her arms. He is bloodied about the torso. "Jimmy. Please don't leave me!" she pleads. She turns away from Jimmy. Something is approaching her. A shadow falls across Chloe. Cut to something monstrous carrying her toward us. Chloe screams. Another cut takes us to static. Cheesy and derivative, but pretty effective.
Opening credits. Commercials. Ozzy loves World of Warcraft . Hey, it beats hard-core drugs. To some degree.
Kent Farm, daytime. A title card: cursive wedding script on screen reads, "Eight Hours Earlier." Inside the barn, workers are toiling. Someone is lifting up a giant disco ball. Two women are busily carrying flowers around. Lois, wearing a black vest over a red blouse and sporting a Bluetooth earpiece, is stage managing. She tells everyone that it's 11-hundred hours and that they only have until sunset to make this "Heifer-house" into her cousin's chapel of love. That's... English, right? Some weird variation? An older guy is carrying in a giant silver tray of food. Lois stops him, telling "Emeril" that the dinnerware stays outside until the reception "Presto-change-o." That guy really should just throw the steaming food right on her. He agrees to take the food back. And leave it outside for the farm animals? Hey, "Special Guest Star Kristin Kreuk!" I kinda had a feeling. Like someone destroyed a planet or something and I was here to feel it. Into her earpiece, Lois calls "Goldilocks" and calls herself "Mother Goose." She asks how things are going in Bride Central. She's pleased to hear that Chloe is half an hour ahead of schedule, but warns her not to get cocky. Jimmy's awesome gay friend from the newspaper shows up. Lois doesn't even tell him hi. She says that she was told he'd be filming this epic (she calls him "Spielberg." I knew it! It is Spielberg!) and that she wants candids, testimonials, all that shit. She hands him a small camera bag. Lois also wants Gay Awesomeness to be invisible. She tells him he's a fly on the wall. He holds up a fist. "Ring that bell," he advises. Why is it that when Jimmy does that, it's totally stupid, but when Gay Awesomeness does it, it's not only gay, but also completely fucking awesome ?! I guess that's where he got the name. Lois stares at the fist, shakes her head and says, "No." That is why Lois is completely the opposite of Gay Awesomeness. She's Straight-Up Lameosity. Gay Awesomeness lowers his fist, but he is not daunted. He pulls the camera out of the bag and gets to work. Lois, who had no Awesomeness rub off on her, keeps walking, calling "Baby Bear" on a walkie-talkie. She needs a Bluetooth and a walkie-talkie? Don't those cancel each other out? Jimmy walks up to Lois, holding two suits in their plastic hanger bags. He asks if he shouldn't get bumped up to "Papa Bear" since he's getting married. Jimmy, once you're married, you're barely gonna be Older Brother Bear. Marriage doesn't cure being a goober. He stops Lois from walking underneath a ladder. He tells her he doesn't need their good day jinxed. Lois says Jimmy seems a little twitchy (when is he not twitchy?) and asks if he's got the butterflies in his stomach doing the rumba. It's like National Day Of Crap Lois Dialogue Day (it's redundant on purpose). Did they plan their wedding to coincide with that dreaded holiday? Jimmy says the only part he's worried about is the bad luck associated with seeing the bride before the wedding. Lois asks about the rest of the getting married stuff. Jimmy says, sincerely, that when you pick the right person, there's no need for wedding-day jitters. Aw. You're not a total tool. At least not at this moment. Lois takes a deep breath. She tells "Jimbo" that was a good answer. Jimmy segues-into-set-up. He says that since Lois has no plus-one for the wedding, he'd like to introduce her to one of his friends: Clark Kent. Lois rolls her eyes. She tells Cupid to put away his bow and arrow. "That bumbling tadpole is not my Prince Charming," she says. Well, you're no Princess Toadstool. Jimmy suggests Lois jump on his lily pad and plant one on him. Can we stop? Please? Jimmy says he sees the way the two of them look at each other. Lois tells Jimmy to get his eyes checked. She looks away as she says that Clark doesn't like her; he likes driving her crazy. Jimmy says that's Flirtation 101: what guys do when they like girls. Then I must have a raging hard-on for Lois with as much shit as I've given her over the years. Lana, too. Lois is smiling. "Really?" she asks Jimmy. You don't know? Aren't you, like 38 years old? You haven't figured it out by now? "Trust me," Jimmy says, "Lois and Clark would be great together." Like peanut butter and expired eggs. Jimmy says he can feel it in his gut. That's the peanut butter and expired eggs. Lois, trying to protect her feelings, tells him to take some Ex-Lax and get over it. Jimmy chuckles. He says he's going to go practice his vows. He asks her to give "Mr. Right" the suit he's holding when she sees him. Lois lights up as she holds Clark's suit up high. She touches the plastic. Oh, plastic! Reminds me of Clark! We cut to footage from the digital camera. Gay Awesomeness has caught Lois in the act. Lois notices. Gay Awesomeness, run! Lois warns him that if he doesn't get the camera out of her face, she's going to ring his bell. Then she does. She punches him in the gut and the camera flails wildly.
Upstairs at The Talon, more filming. Gay Awesomeness says the groom is more frazzled than he thought. Jimmy says he just forgot his bowtie. This is the one occasion where Jimmy won't look silly wearing one of those. Jimmy opens the apartment door and we get a glimpse of Chloe's stocking-clad leg as she's putting on a garter. She's wearing a frilly lavender robe. "Whoah!" Jimmy exhales. Gay Awesomeness is right behind him, still filming. Dude! Put it away! No, not that, the camera ! Chloe, not even noticing that another man is in the room, asks her "Cowboy" if he wants to give her a hand. Gay Awesomeness cannot stop filming this incredible footage. Chloe's robe is open, exposing her purple bra. Jimmy suddenly realizes he's not supposed to see Chloe until the wedding. He slaps an ineffective hand over his eyes. Then he puts a hand over the camera to stop the filming. "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut," he says. Gay Awesomeness complains, saying this is classic. Classic what? Jimmy tells Gay to go. Hell no, Gay won't go! Jimmy says he tried calling, but thought Chloe was getting her hair coiffed or whatever. Chloe says she got it done early. Jimmy wouldn't have shown up if he'd known. Chloe can't understand the fuss. She tells Jimmy to calm down and says maybe it's good that he came by because her garter is being temperamental. How's that? Jimmy thinks it's a disaster. It's the Hindenburg, he says. Worse than black cats and broken mirrors. Chloe, smiling, says their love has weathered federal arrests , heart-attack kisses and bouts of amnesia . She thinks they'll survive this. Deep breath from Chloe. Jimmy follows with one of his own. And then another with his eyes closed. She hands Jimmy the garter belt and sits. Jimmy thinks it's a sign that when no one else is around to help, they'll always be there for each other. Whoah, major Chloevage. Jimmy puts the garter belt on her. He gives her a kiss before going to get his bowtie. After he goes, Chloe's cell phone beeps. She has a voicemail on her BlackBerry from Davis. She listens. Davis says he knows he's the last person she wants to talk to today, but he needs her to call him back. He's having blackouts again. Jimmy returns, on camera. He asks who was on the phone. She lies that it was Brigadier General Lois. Gay Awesomeness is filming Chloe's exposed rack the whole time. She asks if Jimmy is ready to storm the beach. She's caught looking worried as Jimmy walks away. Gay Awesomeness follows Jimmy out, still with the filming. I hope he has an extra battery in that bag. Chloe looks dramatically off to the side.
Kent Home. More catering. Cooks are preparing breads and chopping veggies. Clark sees Oliver in the living room. He warns him that if Lois sees him, she'll pin an apron on him and name him after a fairy-tale character. Prince Charming? Oliver is not amused. "Lex is alive," he says. Oh shits! Clark: hide! Oliver says he was tracking a wireless ghost router (ooh, let me sing my "Ghost router" song again!) bouncing e-mails to Tess Mercer. You were reading Tess Mercer's e-mails? Oliver, you cad ! Oliver says that if they can get their hands on that router, it will tell them where those e-mails originated. Do routers store that kind of information? I didn't think they did. Clark says it's not like Lex to leave a trail. Maybe he wants you to find him. Oliver says Lex isn't leaving a trail. Every time he chases one of those routers, he goes and all the hardware is missing. Clark figures it out on his own: Oliver wants him to go get the router next time Lex sends an e-mail. Oliver says that based on a pattern, he thinks Lex is going to send one today and they can lock up "That monster" for good. Oliver sounds like a southern belle. We have to lock up that monster before he gives me the vapors! You animal! Clark says he can't do it today. Oliver can't believe it. He says Clark has given Lex "Like 100 second chances." And at least 20 happy endings. Clark thinks it can wait 24 hours. "Chloe can't," Clark says. Oliver says, "The wedding?" like it's a completely foreign concept that someone would want to be at their best friend's nuptials. You rich person, you. Oliver asks if this is just an excuse not to go after Lex. He thinks Chloe will understand. Clark reveals that he had Jarnelle take away Chloe's memories of his powers . How's that working out for you, Clark? Sounds like it's already biting you in the ass. Clark says that Chloe has suffered enough and he's not going to miss giving her away on her wedding day. "It's not an option," he says. Oliver tells him Lex is going to make a move soon and he's more dangerous now than he ever was. What are you basing that on? Ollie reminds Clark that Lex still knows his secret. The music of doom plays as Clark makes a plaintive face.
Commercials. Really digging that new Grand Theft Auto IV ad.
Oliver's "Queen" plane sits on a runway. Is Oliver homeless? Brother can't afford a decent hotel room if his own place is no longer safe? Oliver is staring at a photo of his parents. A newspaper nearby tells the story of his parents' death. Obsessive, much? There's an air whoosh. Clark comes in. Oliver, surprised, puts the photo away. Clark apologizes for taking so long. He says there were guards. Also, he needed a bathroom break. Clark's holding a big piece of computer equipment. Oliver says it's a good thing the infamous red-and-blue blur is faster than a speeding bullet. Yeah, we get it, Oliver. Save it for canon. "Let's see it," Oliver says. No, Clark, put that away. He meant the router . Clark notices the newspaper on the desk and a file. His smile fades. He asks if this is what his errand was about. Clark lectures Ollie about putting aside his vengeance. He doesn't believe Oliver's hate for Papa Luthor should be the reason for going after Lex. Clark sits. He says that when Bo Duke died , he almost crossed a line he couldn't have come back from. He says he won't let Oliver make the same mistake. The mistake you didn't make? Oliver says he's doing it for Clark. Clark thinks that's a half-truth. Ollie thinks Lex may even know how to kill Clark. Oliver asks Clark to give him the router. He says it'll take a few hours to download the information. A router? A few hours? Is the thing strapped to a couple of terabyte-sized hard drives or something? Oliver says Clark will have time to eat cake and do the chicken dance before they take off. Clark says he's going to keep the router until after the wedding. He's going to hide it in his pants. Clark says that if Oliver is really doing this for him, he'll wait until Clark can go with him. And then he'll reach into his pants. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, at least in my mind. Clark leaves the cabin, then whooshes out. Oliver rubs his face. He bangs his fist on the desk. A man with a shaved head comes in from the other direction, pushing aside a curtain. He asks what all the fireworks were about. "Wi-Fi," the guy tells Oliver. He says he already downloaded the information while Oliver and Clark were talking. I thought it was going to take a couple of hours. "I downloaded the information while you two were having that lovers' spat," the dude says. Oliver is amused. Clark, a fuck buddy? Hmmm... intriguing. What kind of LuthorCorp secure router uses easy-to-hack Wi-Fi? Lex wants to be found.
Kent Farm. The cows wish they had tuxedos, too. Chloe is up in the loft, wearing her wedding dress. Her hair is pulled back. She's holding her bouquet in a classic pose. It's a very nice dress. Lois comes upstairs. She says she's too busy to cry, but that Chloe looks breathtaking. Chloe thinks Lois has done an amazing job with Chloe's looks and with the barn. They hug. Chloe's phone rings. She hesitates on answering. Chloe, with some prodding, reveals that Davis has been calling all day. She says she thinks he's a great guy, but seems a little confused. She also tells Lois that he kissed her and told her she's marrying the wrong guy . If Lois wasn't so moony over Clark right now, she'd ask, "But he's still single, right? What's his number?" Lois asks if Chloe is starting to have feelings for "Tall, dark and scary." Chloe smiles. She says all she wants to do is walk down the aisle and marry the man she loves. Whom she doesn't identify by name. Lois asks how Chloe knew he was the one. Chloe tells her not to worry. She says Lois will know when she's found her "Super-stud." Lois pretends she doesn't need to be bitten by the love bug. She asks if Chloe has everything she needs. Chloe has her old, her new and her blue, but needs something borrowed. She thinks Clark may have something. She starts rifling through his desk. Chloe finds a tiny box in his desk drawer. Inside is a piece of Kryptonite. Clark comes upstairs and asks what these two girls are doing. Clark nearly stumbles as he sees the rock. Chloe asks if she should take it down the aisle with her. Clark asks her to put it away. He says he has a better idea. Chloe shuts the box, cutting off its familiar hum. Clark grabs a nearby high school yearbook. He opens it to a page holding a crushed yellow flower. He gives it to Chloe. Clark says that Chloe gave that to him freshman year at the homecoming dance. Are you sure it wasn't the spring formal ? "And you kept it all this time?" Chloe asks, wowed. "I never throw away good memories," Clark says. Oh, you jackass ! What did you just do to a bunch of Chloe's memories last week? Dick move, Clark. Dick. Move. Lois smiles, taken aback by Clark's kindness, and suddenly completely horny. "Thanks, Smallville," she says. She says it's another pre-wedding fire put out. That's not the only thing in the room that puts out. Clark and Lois go downstairs. Chloe adds the small yellow flower to her bouquet.
Here's an abrupt shift: we see the exterior of an industrial plant in Alquízar, Cuba. Inside a trashed-out looking warehouse, Green Arrow is skulking about. He sees a person standing across the room by a window in the dark room. It's a bald man. Oliver rears back with his arrow. He locks in the target. "Goodbye, Lex," he says. The arrow takes down the figure. Oliver goes to examine his handiwork. He sees that it was a mannequin. An eye has been taken out. Pinned to the mannequin's suit: a note that says, "Sorry I missed you." Ollie is suddenly kicked in the back by a woman. The woman keeps kicking at him. His hood has fallen back, exposing his face. "Oliver Queen?" we hear a familiar, grating voice say. The woman steps forward. It's Lana Lang. Her hair is down and kinda messy-looking, like she's going to a comic book convention as one of the cool girls. "Lana?" Oliver says. Yep. It's her. Let's get pink up in here.
Commercials. Teen vampires are the new emo kids!
"So, Oliver Queen moonlights as Green Arrow. Does Clark know about you?" Lana is asking. They're still in the crappy Cuban warehouse. Oliver, getting bitchy/gossipy all of a sudden, says it's safe to say Clark knows more of his secrets than those of Lana. Ooh, snap! You told her, girlfriend! Is Ollie trying to make her jealous? Lana tries not to stumble over a line where she has to say that a few hours ago, "430,000 megagigs of LuthorCorp RAM and Ethernet cables" were in that place. Megagigs ? Really? You know that doesn't exist, right? 1,024 gigabytes would be a terabyte. Quit talking out of your ass, Lana. You just got here. Ollie thinks they're both trying to settle a score. Lana sees the arrow'd dummy on the ground and says Oliver's doing more than that. He pulls out the note that was on the body. He asks if Lex left the note for him or for Lana. Lana says she's not convinced Lex is alive. She says she just followed leads to this place to protect Clark. She seems to think the evil empire might have outlived its king. Yeah, on this show, too. Oliver reveals to her that Lex found Clark's secret. He offers to help Lana on the trail to Lex. Lana thinks Oliver's version of help is a little too personal. Where is she getting that from? Does she even know Oliver much? She says that he's Green Arrow. "You're better than this," she says. Just because he tried to shoot Lex with an arrow? Ollie chuckles and says she sounds like Clark. Lana thinks that fighting the greater good might mean they all have to be a little more like Clark. Take a number and leave your brain at the door. Oliver walks past Lana. As he's leaving, she stops him and asks how Clark is doing. Ollie leaves out all of the details since Lana left, but tells her that Clark is giving Chloe away at her wedding that day. He says Lana can come find out herself. She shakes her head. "No, I can't. It's too complicated," she tells him. He says it's her best friend's wedding day. He doesn't see the complications. Oliver asks what Clark would do. Lana looks guilty and sad.
Kent home. Lois, coming down the stairs is yelling, "Chop-chop!" and telling Clark to hurry up so he can escort Chloe. She appears wearing her pretty orange dress. Clark is wearing a suit and tie. They stare at each other. Clark takes a long gander at her whole body. Lois says it looks like Clark is ready. He is, but he can't get his cufflinks to work. Stupid, stupid cufflinks! Damn these contraptions! Clark says they belonged to his dad and he never had to put them on before. They didn't come with a manual. Lois makes a "Farmer John" crack about his flannel shirts. Hey, that's my job! Clark stares at her as Lois does the cufflinks. She tells him that it has to stick up straight so you can slide it in. Lois stops herself as she realizes she said something very sexual, only it's really not dirty except in Lois's fevered brain and in her moistened ladyparts. Lois hands Clark the ring to give to Jimmy later as well as the vows, in case Jimmy forgets. Lois walks away a bit. As her back is to Clark, he begins to read woodenly, "It's really hard for me to put my feelings into words, but from the moment we met, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you." Lois swoons, thinking stupidly that Clark is talking to her directly. She turns, smiling. "Jimmy's vows," Clark says. Lois's smile fades. "They're really sweet," Clark notes. He sees Lois's hurt look. Oh, geez. So clumsy. Lois gets over it quickly. She says Jimmy is a regular Cyrano. Gay Awesomeness shows up with the camera, breaking the awkward moment. He asks for a testimonial. We get the clip from the beginning of the episode of Clark and Lois speaking to the camera. A quick cut to static takes us to the next scene.
Davis is in the driver's seat of his ambulance. He's parked and calling Chloe. He's in a panic. He's got no shirt under his jacket and he's got blood all over him. Davis tells the phone that he's in trouble and has done something horrible. He needs Chloe's help. He's frantically trying to wipe blood off the ambulance with a towel. He zips up his jacket. Throws the towel in a plastic garbage bag. He picks up that bag and another one, both filled with bloody, squishy stuff. He's in a Metropolis alley. He walks to some Dumpsters and throws in the garbage bags. He strips off his surgical gloves, throws them in and closes the lid. A flashlight shines on him. Davis turns. There's a security guard who says he saw the ambulance when he was doing his rounds. He asks if everything is all right. Davis says it was a prank call. They get them all the time. The guard notices blood on the ground near Davis. Davis is all sweaty. He says he needs to go. The guard slowly walks to the Dumpster. He opens it and sees something's wrong. "Sweet Mary and Joseph. What the Hell did you put in there?" he asks. He pulls out a gun and points it at Davis. "What did you do?" he asks. Davis says it's not his fault and he can't control it. He starts breathing heavily. His hand twitches. He warns the guard that he needs to get out of there. The guard says he's not going anywhere until the cops arrive. Davis doubles over and lands on the ground. Out of the top of his hand, two gnarly spikes poke out. Then a third. A nearby cart rolls. The guard, panicking, fires his gun. Then he screams, "No!" The camera stays on the wheel of the cart. Blood splashes against it as major violence goes down out of the frame. Welcome to your Dooms! Day. Davis. Hi.
Videocamera footage. Chloe and Jimmy are kissing and dancing. We switch to non-video footage as the DJ asks the escort to dance with Chloe. Chloe summons Clark, telling him it's time to boogie. Chloe asks if it's a bit weird. "A little," Clark says. She thanks him for letting them have the wedding at the farm. Clark says Chloe was always the best friend he could have had. She says he's saying it like that's changed. Chloe says they've been through too much together. "Nothing is gonna make me forget that," she tells him. Clark says she's right. Dick. He says Chloe's life is everything she wants it to be. Chloe says that's true. She says it felt like she was carrying this huge weight until a few days ago. "I finally let go. Like I can move on," she says. Clark looks at her seriously. Jimmy cuts in to dance with his wife. Clark watches them go. He sees Lois standing nearby. She looks terrified. She walks away, saying she's going to give her feet a rest. Clark grabs her wrist as she walks by. He smiles at her. Motions to the dance floor. They dance. Clark leans in close. Lois looks joyless. A couple walking by bumps into them, interrupting their dance. Clark and Lois stare at each other. She puts her hand to Clark's shirt and tie. She leans forward. Clark does, too. The camera cuts to the side to get a shot of a kiss. It almost happens. Until Chloe says, "No way! I can't believe it!" All eyes go to the doorway. Lana is standing there. "Oh my God!" Chloe says and runs to her. Lana has funky curly hair. It looks good. She and Chloe hug. Clark just stares, seriously. Lois walks behind Clark and looks hurt and sad. Lana notices Clark. She and he watch each other. More of this shit, huh?
Commercials. Four Christmases? In the same year? That's just crazy!
Kent Farm, same night. There are Christmas lights strung up around the front of the house. For it being a wedding, there are surprisingly few people around. Lois walks around the house to the front porch. As a server is walking by, Lois grabs a whole bottle of champagne from a tray without missing a step. She sits down on a bench and starts downing it. Oliver joins her on the porch. "Want a glass with that?" he asks. Lois says he's just the person she wanted to see right now. Ollie laughs uncomfortably. Oliver asks what started this "Lost weekend." Dude, it was one sip. True, it's a giant bottle, but still. Lois tells him to go enjoy the party because she's going to be a buzz-kill who'll whine like Patsy Cline. He says she's probably right but sits down next to her anyway. He says he's there if she wants to talk. Lois says she's having a bunch of feelings and doesn't know what they mean. Lois isn't in touch with her out-of-control inner life? Imagine my goddamned surprise. "Oh," Oliver says. He asks who's the lucky guy. Why does he assume it's her love life she's conflicted about? Oh, wait, we're talking about Lois. I almost forgot. Lois gives Oliver a pointed look. She says talking about this with an ex is bad enough without turning up the awkward dial. Oliver has to lecture Lois on being an adult. He says there's saying you've moved on and then there's actually doing it. It's his polite way of saying, "Get the fuck over yourself, Fling Magnet." Oliver says they can start now and he'll just be a really good friend. Spoken like a man who has three or four supermodels stashed on his private jet. Lois says that she tried to ignore it, but the feelings just snuck up on her. She says there are moments where she can't ignore her feelings and that tonight's night of romance made it come to a head. She says she knows it sounds sappy, but she thought... for a moment... that someone needed her. Wanna tighten up that monologue a little bit, Lois? Oliver's falling asleep. Also, what are you talking about and who are you addressing it to? The 12 demons in your head? Oliver says he's sure "He," the guy she likes, needs her. Lois scoffs. She asks how Oliver knows. "'Cause I know Clark," he says. Busted! Oliver smiles. Lois smiles back, a bit sadly.
The Barnness of Unnecessary Reunionitude. Dolled-up Lana is in the loft, staring at Chloe's bouquet. We never got to see who caught it. Let me guess: Dumb-Shit Lois? Lana's phone beeps quietly. She opens her incredibly sparkly purse to retrieve it. The message says, "Did the archer believe you?" No sender name or any other text on the screen. Lana replies to the message, but we don't see what she types. Clark comes up behind her and watches her. Hey, nice ass! "Chloe's glad you came," he says stiffly. I, on the other hand, wish you'd get the fuck off my property. Again . Wanna shoot a video about it? Lana turns and gives Clark her hopeless little look. I didn't miss that much. "I could have used some warning," Clark tells her. Well, I could have used a bottle of tequila for this scene. Lana puts away her phone. She doesn't respond. Clark guesses she wasn't planning on coming back. "Not until a few hours ago," she confirms. Clark asks what changed her mind. No response. Are they paying her by the line, or what? "I'm not expecting you to say it was me," Clark says. Lana changes the subject. She smiles and takes a step forward. She says she read about the mysterious blur saving lives in Metropolis. She's proud of Clark. She says it's what Clark should have been all along. Are you saying he was wasting his time the previous seven seasons? Hey... come to think of it... Clark asks if that means Lana's happy she left. Her brow furrows. She says it was the hardest decision she's ever had to make. But, she says, she's glad she finally had the guts to do it. "Guts" is the kind of word Lex would use. They stare at each other for what feels like weeks. Lana tries to lighten things up. She says that she would have died before admitting it, but she used to stare across the field to the Kent Farm and dream of a summer wedding there. Wow, you really had your sights set low back then. "Of course, I always thought I'd play a bigger part," she says. Yeah, you and Lex both. Maybe if you hadn't gotten your ass married somewhere else... Clark says Lana probably would have if he had given her Chloe's wedding gift. A gift ? You call taking her memories a gift? You fucking asshole. Clark explains that he had Jarnelle take away Chloe's memories. Are you going to tell everyone tonight? How soon before Chloe finds out? Clark wonders aloud if things would have been different with Lana if he'd done the same. Lana says she understood the lies Clark told to protect his identity (did you really? I thought that's what caused five seasons of angst), but that she would never have forgiven Clark for taking that away from her. "You can't mean that," Clark says, "it turned your life upside-down." Lana says that maybe it was exactly what her life needed. Yeah, Clark. Learn for once. Lana says that she could have landed in a lot of places, but without Clark, she would have never landed here. Huh? Stop your witch talk! Clark asks if that's it. He says it's all over. "It's that easy?" he asks. Lana says it's not. But, she says, for the first in her life, where she is now feels right. On the set of Street Fighter ? That Ryu must be a charmer. Lana says that neither of them would admit it, but maybe Clark Kent and Lana Lang just weren't meant to end up together. People downstairs start chanting, "Kiss! Kiss!" Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen up here. Clark and Lana both look. Chloe and Jimmy are kissing and everyone is applauding. Lana gives Clark a wistful look.
We cut to the videotaped footage of Jimmy and Chloe cutting the wedding cake. Clark is downstairs, clapping. We hear a low rumbling as Clark notices something on the table. The muddy-looking drink in the punchbowl is quivering. Oh no, it's a T-Rex! Run! Something crashes. Jimmy and Chloe both look up. "What was that?" Chloe asks. Lana and Clark are both looking at the ceiling, too. Wanna X-ray vision that, Clark? No? All right, then. The lights go out. Guests are startled. Gay Awesomeness keeps filming. Everyone looks concerned. Suddenly, a big chunk of the ceiling caves in, crashing down on wine glasses and guests. Screams. A big chunk of wood swings down and clobbers Lana. She falls with a thud. Something lifts itself from the wooden wreckage. It looks like a giant, spiky robot. Clark goes to Lana. She tells him she's all right. "Go!" she says. Gay Awesomeness points his camera toward the intruder. It's probably about seven feet tall and has spikes up and down its arms. Doomsday! Doomsday tosses tables and guests aside like so many gnats. "Somebody help!" Gay yells. Clark stares Doomsday down. He tries to punch, but his fist is caught by Doom's large hand. We still don't get a very good look at Doomsday. He could be a big suit of armor. He grabs Clark and throws him. Clark sails up and lands in the loft. Right next to a big piece of Kryptonite now lying on the floor. Way to keep that around for a rainy day, Clark. Gay Awesomeness keeps filming as Lana is climbing up to the loft. His hands are shaking. Doomsday grabs Gay's camera and throws it on the ground, where it keeps filming. We hear Gay scream, loudly. Uh oh. I think we lost him. Not so awesome. People run. Jimmy and Chloe just stand there and watch. Jimmy picks up a piece of wood and swings for Doomsday. "Jimmy, don't!" Chloe yells. Yeah, you shouldn't have. Doomsday swings a hand at Jimmy and claws his chest. Blood flies as Jimmy sails back. "No!" Chloe yells.
Upstairs, Clark is grunting on the floor. We see Lana trying to get to him.
Chloe goes to Jimmy. She holds him, telling him to hold on. "Please don't leave me," Chloe says, cutting between normal footage and footage we saw before on the camera. Chloe turns as Doomsday comes up next to her. His shadow falls over her. Chloe is crying. He bends down and puts his huge, gross hand on Chloe's cheek and chin. "CHLOOOOEEEE!" he roars. Chloe begins to scream.
Upstairs, Lana puts the Kryptonite in the box and closes it. Clark, gasping, stands up. Lana had to climb up here, but Oliver just took the stairs. "It's too late," he tells them, "that thing took Chloe." Hey, thanks for the info! Have you had cake? Did you try shooting it with one of your arrows? No? Oh, all right, that's cool. You just keep being cool, Oliver. Nice hair. Clark and Lana exchange terrified looks.
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Metropolis General. Did they helicopter all these people all the way to Metropolis? Did someone destroy the Smallville hospital. Dammit, show, will you please start making sense sometime!? Inside, a waiting room full of wedding guests is hurt. I bet they'd feel better if there were some decent lights in here. Clark walks among them, looking around. He finds Lana in an exam room. She's wearing a hospital gown. Must seem like old times, huh? She asks if there's any word on Chloe. Yeah, the word is, "Kidnapped." Clark says that Oliver is helping him by using all of his satellites to try to track down where Doomsday took her. Lana grunts in pain just as Lois appears in the doorway. Clark puts his hand on Lana's tiny shoulder and asks if she's all right. Lois, who can't stand seeing Clark putting his hand on another woman's shoulder, rushes away. Lana says there's nothing more that Clark can do for her. She says he doesn't need to stay. Uh, good, because I wasn't planning on it. Jerk. "I know," Clark says, "I need to find Chloe." Good thing she knows you're going to use your powers to come save her and -- oops, you destroyed those memories. Nice one. Lana watches Clark go. She grinds her teeth.
Lois out in the hallway. Clark asks how she's holding up. Shouldn't you be out looking for Chloe right now? Screw Lois and her non-injuries. Lois says Jimmy's in bad shape. She says he's not out of the woods and they're going to Medivac him to Star City to one of the top surgeons for his internal injuries. Wouldn't it be safer to bring the doctor here? I thought Metropolis General was one of the top hospitals in the country. Lois says she's going with Jimmy. She says she'll stay there until she hears from Chloe. A bit hysterical, Lois asks why these things have happened to Chloe. She asks why these terrible things keep happening all around them. Clark hugs her. "I promise. We're gonna get Chloe back," he says. Lois cries. "What if we can't?" she asks. She pulls away. She walks away as music starts to play. It's "Don't Take Your Love Away" by Vast. Lois walks in slow motion. "I'm looking for inspiration, and I think I found it in your heart," the song says. Lois takes one last look back at Clark as she goes. He blinks. Wanna get moving now, Clark?
A doctor tends to Lana as she sits up on her hospital bed. She winces. Her hair is all mussed perfectly. She tries to emote. But fails.
Jimmy is wheeled down the hallway as Lois's boobs follow. Lois is attached to them. She bounces as she walks slowly.
"Don't take your love away from me!" the song goes. Doomsday carries Chloe into the darkened Fortress. It's snowing. It's similar to Clark carrying her in to wipe her memories, and I'm sure it's just as bad for Chloe. Doomsday walks slowly and his face is still obscured. For a monster, he looks at Chloe tenderly. He places her down on an ice platform. He leans his face in close. Scary! Chloe opens her eyes, looking straight ahead. They look unnaturally bright. Doomsday's claw is next to her head. Chloe has Brainiac eyes. Chloe smiles evilly. Yep. That's some Brainiac action, right there.
The wedding video. Chloe and Jimmy are cutting the cake. We pull back to reveal that the video is being watched on a large screen. It's the moment when they heard the crashing from overhead. Wedding guests scramble as we continue to pull back. We see the back of a bald head as it watches the video. The head is strapped to some wires. Other wires are attached to the back of the bald man's bare body and there seem to be some metal plates attached to the back. Lex! (I think.) We cut to black.
Next week: I eat turkey and play lots of video games. Have a wonderful holiday season. Next episode airs January 15. See you then.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, " Trailers Without Pity ." You can find him on Terribly Happy , Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com and hear him on NPR's new technology segment, " All Tech Considered ," Mondays as part of All Things Considered .
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