Gay In The Water
Updated 2004-10-17 17:00:00
I think we're going to have a gay old time this week.
Before the show begins, we get a very tiny tribute to Christopher Reeve showing a small scene of him as Dr. Swann. Now I know a brother just died Sunday night and they only had three days to get it together but, damn! It's short. Like, short enough for you to say, "Hey, they're doing a tribute to Christo-- oh."
We begin at Smallville High football field. I have a feeling this location is going to become as familiar to us as the hospital has been in the last few seasons. The football team is doing a scrimmage, and the football has a big black Nike logo on it as the first shot of the episode. Not to harp on the Christopher Reeve thing, but the Nike logo gets almost as much screen time as he did. Blonde cheerleaders do their high-pitched squealing as a player hikes the ball. We get an Under the Ass view of the play. The quarterback steps back. A lineman on the yellow-shirted team runs right past him. The quarterback throws. And it's caught! Wheee! Something else besides football is going to happen soon, right? Ryan Seacrest-like luvahman Jason Teague calls out encouragement to his team, advising them, "Find your man." Take out a personal ad, visit out.com -- anything, people! Your nutsacks aren't getting any younger. One of the cheerleaders yells for her favorite, "Ken," to, like score or something.
Mopey Man About Town Clark Kent sits, watching. Jason comes over to Clark and asks how he's doing. "Just enjoying the view...from the bench," Clark says bitterly. Clark, you are a total bitch. First you want to be on the football team. Then you get on. Then you want Bo's approval. And you get it. Now you want to be Joe Superstar your first week on the team? Clark is the whiniest mother*****er on the planet. Dudes standing in grapes in Napa Valley are like, "Clark Kent? Now that's whine!" Jason gets down on one knee and talks to Clark the way you would an extremely immature four-year-old, explaining that Coach Quigley (Le Q.!) is old-school and already has his squad picked out for the year. He asks Clark to hang in there. Clark pouts some more. Perhaps Clark could entertain himself on the bench by playing with his massive vagina.