Identity
Updated 2008-10-31 08:58:34
Metropolis, nighttime. Is it always a full moon in this city? The camera droops down amid residential buildings to show Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen walking along an old Sex and the City set. Lois is complaining that she writes about news, not about fairy tales including mythical saviors whom nobody's ever seen. Oh, Lois, was it really that long ago since you worked for The Inquisitor ? Don't they run stories about The Alien ? Jimmy, wisely holding back comment on Lois's ugly green top, tells her that he doesn't have a face or a name, but that this "Stealth hero" is as real as it gets. Just stealthy. He might have passed us just now! Lois says the only stealth hero she knows of wears green leather and plays with arrows. Is his name... Green Arrow? I'm just guessing here. I haven't read ahead. Lois says she thinks the guy has hung up his bow. His Bo? The show hung that up in Season Five . Jimmy, holding his camera sans lens cap for no reason, tells Lois that this guy is "Light years beyond" bows and arrows and that she should trust him that this'll make their careers. Why do these characters keep talking about how a single story will make their careers? It doesn't work that way. In fact, even the award-winning newspaper people these days are just trying to focus on keeping their jobs. Keep your eyes on the prize, kiddos: gainful employment. We cut briefly to a pirate-looking dude across the street. He has a beard, messy hair and a grimace. Arrrr. Lois is telling Jimmy that without a photo, his story is as plausible as that of the Tooth Fairy. I'm sure that's in the works for the latter half of the season, too. Jimmy plays with psychology. He casually says that he's telling Clark about the story over dinner later. Romantic. Lois asks if Clark is coming to dinner with them. Did you think it was a date with Jimmy? Jimmy tells Lois he figured she was too much of a cynic for this story, but that C.K. will be all over it. Lois says that as shocking as it might seem, "Smallville" is no hack. Well, now I know she's definitely talking about Clark and not the show. Jimmy can't believe Lois is giving Clark a compliment, however back-handed. Lois is about to nervously refute that when the creepy guy from across the street suddenly rushes at Jimmy and pushes him against a nearby wall. He punches Jimmy, who falls to the ground. The thug, who is wearing a mask, points a tiny knife at Lois and demands her purse. "You're robbing the wrong chick!" she tells him. She kicks the knife away and then starts swinging her arms, but the thief grabs her and they begin to struggle. She manages to pull off the guy's mask and instructs Jimmy to take a picture of his face. Jimmy, who has a gash on his forehead, reaches for his camera. Lois tries to knee the thief in the stomach. Suddenly, Clark appears. He's wearing his bright red jacket and a blue T-shirt. As a van is approaching, Lois kicks herself off of the criminal, but is falling backward right into the path of the oncoming vehicle. The headlights shine at her. Jimmy gets on a knee and starts snapping photos just as Clark superspeeds toward Lois. We pivot around in bullet-time as Clark rushes over. We see Lois, horizontal, floating in space. Clark taps the criminal on the shoulder, sending him flying back against the wall, then turns toward Jimmy. Clark is fast, but not too fast to avoid the camera flash. Clark manages to get Lois out of the way and then disappears out of there. The thief hits the wall and lands next to Jimmy. Lois blinks. She doesn't take long to wonder what happened. "Oh," she says, "I knew I got a good lick in." We're still talking about the fight, right? Because with Lois, you can never be too sure. Jimmy, meanwhile, is staring at the viewfinder of his Nikon. "Oh, my God," he says, "it's him!" He smiles. It's who ? Wanna share with us? No? All right, well, tell us later, then.
Opening credits. Commercials. The T-Mobile G1 phone. It's searchy!
Daily Planet , daytime. Clark, wearing a white shirt and tie (but no top button latched. Thick neck, much?) is looking extremely worried. He takes a deep breath before stepping into Jimmy's work area. "Hey, Jimmy," he says, trying to sound casual. Jimmy is excited to see him. At least it gets him away from that radiation-emitting 15-inch CRT monitor. Seriously. Give the photographer a decent LCD monitor, won't you? Jimmy apparently called Clark about some urgent news. Jimmy wants to show Clark a picture that he says will change his life. "You may want to sit down," he advises. Jimmy puts a giant print on a light table. It's a picture of an anus. If you like it, it means something . Clark decides, with resignation, that he'd rather stand. The photo shows the vehicle that was about to hit Lois, as well as a blue and red streak saving her. The red streak looks a bit like a cape. The camera zooms in on Clark as his face goes, "Oh shit!" Clark steps forward to take a closer look at the photo. He asks what he's looking at. "It's a person!" Jimmy says. We see Lois falling backward. You call that a person? It looks like she's being carried by the ghost of some sort of gay flamingo. Clark acts like all he sees is some blur. Jimmy says the person is moving so fast, they're out of focus. Nice top-of-the-line camera equipment, there. Clark says it looks more like a reflection off the lens. He wonders if a police car with red and blue lights might have been driving by. Jimmy asks if a police car wouldn't have stopped if they'd seen a robbery in progress. Not if they were hauling ass and missed it. Clark tries to explain that a person can't move so fast, so this isn't possible. Jimmy reminds Clark about the previous seven seasons' worth of freaky shit that's been going down. Did you forget, Clark? Clark asks why Lois hasn't said anything about it since she's the one who got saved. Jimmy says he doesn't think that's weird since Lois is a naysayer and a nonbeliever. She's like Scully without the brain. Jimmy says Lois is convinced her lightning-fast reflexes saved the day. Idiot. Jeez. "So this blur saved Lois from becoming roadkill and she didn't feel a thing?" Clark asks, playing Mr. Skeptical. Jimmy thinks it's proof of how good this hero might be. He thinks it has "Front page" written all over it. In a large, red, blurry font. Clark doesn't think that Tess will want to publish an out-of-focus photograph. It really bothers me that all the people in charge of the paper now besides Jimmy have about three months of collective job experience. Clark doesn't think Jimmy should even bother Tess with this. Jimmy says he already showed it to her and she was very interested. Tess even agreed, Jimmy says, to let Clark write the copy. Clark acts all offended that nobody asked him first. Welcome to journalism! Jimmy tells Clark that he's doing him a favor. This is a huge opportunity. Jimmy says that he's tired of living in Lois's shadow, as he's sure Clark is as well. Jimmy says it's been happening since he landed at The Planet , only he's been there longer than Lois. God, I hate revisionist history. Suddenly, Lois isn't just the ace reporter, she's not been there for years and years and has institutional memory. What the fuck ever, show. Clark feigns indignation for being involved with some make-believe story. Clark's gotten to be a pretty good liar. Years and years of practice. Jimmy asks Clark to just think about it and to keep it on the down-low. He says if Lois hears about it, she'll be on it like a pit bull to a poodle. Ew. Like... fucking the poodle? That does sound like Lois. "Don't worry," Clark says, like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, "I won't tell a soul." Lucky for Lois, she doesn't have one.
Ah, speaking of the soulless one: Lois is speaking on a phone in the newsroom. She's trying to find out why the police let a violent criminal go free, even though he really only got a chance to inflict a tiny bit of violence to Jimmy. Lois can't believe they let the guy go free on bail. Has she never heard of the criminal justice system? Oh, wait, forgive me. I forgot I was talking about Lois, who hasn't even heard of journalism school. Lois promises the person on the phone that she'll personally take this up with the mayor. Er, good luck with that. The person at the police station hangs up on her. I love that person. "There she is," a voice says, "the legendary Lois Lane." Standing in front of Lois is a curly-haired guy who is smiling at her. He looks a lot like radio personality Bobby Bones . On the minus side, he thinks Lois is "Legendary," which only works if you're Barney Stinson and you're saying it ironically. Lois tilts her head and smiles. She likes the sound of flattery. She thinks she knows this guy from somewhere. He makes a show of only knowing her name because it's on the nameplate on her desk. Then why did you call her "Legendary?" Doofus! He says he's the new city reporter, Sebastian Kane. Kane takes Lois's hand and suddenly has a Dead Zone -like flash into her memories. We see the scene of Lois speaking on the phone to the police again. After he lets go of her hand, Lois tells Sebastian that he's come to the right place to cover crime. She says the crime rate in Metropolis is so high they have to put a "No vacancy" sign in the county jail. Ha! So funny! Because it's true! Sebastian drops a hint that he's a man of danger when he says this town was supposed to be a safe haven compared to other place he's covered. Lois takes the bait, asking where he's been. "The gates of Hell?" she asks. "Iraq," he answers. He says he went in as an embedded reporter when the war started. Lois says he must have seen some "Graphic imagery" out there. Yes. It was PG-13. Sebastian says he saw more than he bargained for. Lois says she's been embedded since birth because she's an Army brat. "No actual combat," she clarifies. Then you weren't very fucking embedded, were you? God. Please deliver me from this fucking idiot. She makes decent episodes bad and bad episodes intolerable. Sebastian says he's new in town and still finding his bearings. Lois offers her guide to the city. She says she knows all the "Tips and tricks." I believe the tricks part. Sebastian offers to take Lois out for dinner. Lois accepts without much hesitation. WHAT!? You're going on a date with your brand-new coworker? Have you no shame!? Sebastian says, "Perfect" and leaves Lois to her little smirk.
Stately Former-Luthor-But-Now-Tess-Mercer's Mansion. Tess, looking a bit intimidated, is staring at the stained-glass window with the Veritas logo on it. Behind her, Dead Zone holding out his hand to touch her shoulder. He sees an image of her staring straight ahead, almost crying. We hear someone ask her, "Why so sad?" Oh, great, now some variation of The Joker is involved. Tess turns around sharply and sees who it is. "Don't ever touch me again," she warns him. She knows Evil-Fu! She softens a bit and asks if Lois was the one who stole the crystal. He says it takes a little more than a handshake. His penis is a divining rod. Tess says he'll have to get a little more intimate in that case. Dead Zone says that he's doing that, but not because of Tess. He's done being her "Personal Peeping Tom." She says that for a memory thief, he's got a weak recall. She reminds him that she freed him from Black Creek. He says the favor's been repaid three separate times. Then he says that Lois is a good person. Wow, he may be able to see memories, but his judgment sucks. He knows she's a good person... how? He doesn't want to steal Lois's memories. Tess pounces, telling him she's one of the few people who knows what a sick, voyeuristic person he really is. Interesting! She knows about the women he stalked and killed before he ended up in Black Creek. He acknowledges he did those things, but it was before he could control his powers. Whatever, Sylar . He says he wants a fresh start. Yeah, let's just forget about all that killing . Tess promises he'll get fresh when he finds that crystal. It's a fresh-for-hire deal. Dead Zone lets his mouth hang open as he thinks about that. Tess says that if he doesn't agree, she'll tell law enforcement about his trail of bodies. Dead Zone walks out of the room. Good chat, boss! I'll get you those psychic TPS reports, ASAP.
As-Is Foundation. Chloe is leading out a young man, presumably one of her meteor-infected peeps, out the front door. She promises to call him soon. Clark, still wearing the white shirt and tie, but with his sleeves rolled up, walks in at the same time. Chloe already knows it's probably about Jimmy's snapshot. Clark asks if she deleted it yet. Chloe says she wanted to talk to Clark about it first. Clark's like, "What's there to talk about. I'm DONE talking. Talking is for suckers . I'm not even talking right now. This is a rant !" Chloe, smiling, says that nobody's going to know it's Clark even if it's on the front page. She says he just looks like a smudge on a lens. "It is me! People will know I'm out there!" he says. Oh, you're out all right. Veeeeerrry out. Chloe, with a sly look in her eye, wonders if that's such a bad thing. Out and proud, Clark. Say it with me! Chloe asks Clark to think about the idea that having someone out there saving people might mean a lot to others. Clark ignores that and says it's his secret they're talking about. How much less complicated would your life be if it wasn't such a secret? Clark thinks that if the secret gets out, it's a threat to everyone who knows him. Like it's not a threat now? Your friends seem to get into scrapes every single fucking week as it is. Clark wants Chloe to talk to Jimmy about this. Chloe tells him that Jimmy is giving him a perfect alter ego. "It's called an 'alias,'" Clark. Yeah, Jennifer Garner already beat him to it . Chloe defines "Pseudonym" for Clark and reminds him that Oliver has his Green Arrow identity. She thinks Clark should have one, too. We could call you The Red-Blue Doofus Avenger. "This isn't a debate, Chloe. We need to protect my identity," he says. Hard-headed? That's Clark. Chloe, looking a little frustrated, says that the picture doesn't reveal anything about Clark Kent. It just gives people something they desperately need right now: A hero. Frankly, I think we have a few too many of those right now. Adventurous music plays us out to the break.
Commercials. Jack in the Box has found an interesting way to sell tacos: middle-aged men in strollers. Now that's thinking outside of the box... with the Jack in it.
Daily Planet , daytime. Tess is in her office, filling her attaché case with files and papers. Clark knocks at her open door. "Kent!" she says. What did you call me? Oh. Kent . All right. We cool. She says that for a cub reporter, Clark steps into the lion's den very often. She hopes this is urgent. Are... we... still talking about animals? Clark strides in and tells Tess that he's not interested in writing the Good Samaritan piece. "Not interested. In a front page story," Tess says. She looks at Clark like he's a dirty, dirty boy and tells him, "Makes me wonder what you would be interested in." A raise? Is that too bold? How about some tasty sexual intercourse? Clark says he doesn't want his name on a manufactured story based on a blurry photo. Tess says the only thing out of focus in the photo was the red and blue white knight. That's a lot of colors, lady. Clark says you can't tell who or what's in the photo. Tess thinks that's what makes it brilliant. It's called Art History Class, Clark. You really should have taken it. She thinks it's mysterious, tantalizing, full of hope and with a hint of danger. Sounds delicious. If it's anything like the McRib, I'm totally in, dudes. Clark tells Tess, as she's leaving the office, that selling papers by running a tabloid photo is something even Lex wouldn't do. Oops! You're FIRED! Tess turns on him. She says she's not going to be lectured on journalistic ethics by someone whose biggest byline is a kitten-adoption fair. Ha! Not accurate, but still very funny. Then again, how long has Tess been in the newspaper game? A week? Two weeks? Hell of a time to get into it. Tess decides she's fine with Clark bailing on the story. Not leaving well-enough alone, Clark says it's not a story. Tess agrees it's more of a tease, but that Jimmy is doing lots of research. She thinks he'll have a name and face soon enough. She says when that happens, they'll have the real story. Clark is left to look stressed-out.
The Talon. Clark whooshes into the apartment by what looks like the window. He starts rifling through shelves until he hears a voice. "Smallville? What are you doing here?" Lois asks. She's wearing a very tight red dress with a cut so low that Lilliputian butchers couldn't match it. Clark starts to make an excuse, but Lois can already see he was going through Jimmy's things. I thought Lois had moved out. Why is she still driving to Smallville? In fact, why is she driving to Smallville from work in Metropolis, only to go back to Metropolis for a dinner date? Clark says that Jimmy left his bag there. He says he was in the neighborhood and thought he'd do him a favor. The neighborhood that was where you work in Metropolis? Seriously, everyone who works in Metropolis needs to just move there already and stop driving me nuts with this fucked-up geography. Lois asks if he's Jimmy's errand boy. Clark says he's Jimmy's friend. He asks if there's anything wrong with it. Lois says no, and quickly turns around. She asks Clark to zip her up. She moves her hair. Clark stares at her bare back and black bra strap. Yowza, Clark. Make a move! He hesitantly steps forward, then back, then forward again as cute music plays. Clark reaches out like he's handling a nuclear warhead. He frowns and latches the top of her dress, then zips up the rest. The camera pivots around Lois. Clark asks why she's so dressed up. She says she's going on a date. She puts a hand on his chest and explains that when a guy likes a girl, he asks her out. "I know what a date is," he says defensively. Then maybe you should go on one. "Who's the unlucky guy?" Clark asks. Lois tells him that it's a new hire at the paper. Unwise, that. She says that unlike some new hires, this guy is a serious journalist. She adds that the sparks were flying everywhere and she's surprised the bullpen didn't burn down. Oh, gag. "You always wear so little on the first date?" Clark asks. Snap! Wow. He went there. Lois looks down at herself. She asks if Clark has a problem with the way she looks. Clark says no. He hides his boner as he says he's just looking out for Lois. All of her. Especially the boobies. Lois says she's a big girl and can take care of herself. There's a knock at the door. Lois answers. It's Dead Zone. He drove all the way to Smallville for their date? Where are they going to eat, the bowling alley? He hands her a bouquet with orchids, which is totally stealing my move. Dammit! He notices Clark in the room. Clark is frowning. Lois introduces him as one of the paper's sharpest errand boys. Clark is mad. Dead Zone reaches for a handshake. So does Clark, but Lois pushes him out the door, so their hands miss. Lois reminds him to drop off some papers and pick up her dry cleaning. Before Clark can respond with a non-witticism, Lois has closed the door on him. Lois apologizes for the wet-behind-the-ears Clark. She smells her flowers. They smell flowery.
Kent Farm, nighttime. On the kitchen table, Clark has collected all of his red and blue clothing. I can't believe the stack wouldn't fill up the whole room. Clark turns and notices his red jacket hanging from a hook near the living room. He zips over to get it. As he does, he notices that Jimmy is coming up to the door. Clark zips back, takes all the clothes to another room and returns to the kitchen, grabbing a rolling piece of fruit on the way. Jimmy enters the house without knocking, which seems incredibly dangerous and presumptuous. Clark is wearing, by the way, a gray T-shirt over a white long-sleeved shirt. Jimmy tells Clark he's got great news about their story. Clark still doesn't want to be involved. Jimmy says he's got some research. He pulls out a printout from the Smallville Torch and reads headlines off. "Teen mysteriously saved in lake." "Girl rescued in robbery." "Freak accident saves woman." He says that it was around the time Clark and Chloe were in 9th grade. Clark scoffs, asking if Chloe gave him that stuff. Jimmy says that just because he shoots pictures doesn't mean he can't make his way with a search engine. Jimmy thinks that Clark might have gone to school with the hero. Jimmy tries to explain the timeline, but then he looks curiously at Clark. He says that when they left school, this stuff started happening more often in Metropolis. Clark blinks. He asks Jimmy for his point. Jimmy asks if anyone from their high school stood out. Dude, several seasons worth of people stood out. But they're long forgotten. Jimmy hands over a yearbook with the graduating year '07. Well, that's not right. They graduated in 2005 . Clark says he can't think of anyone. Jimmy just stares at him. Clark asks if it isn't this guy's decision whether to go public, assuming he exists. Jimmy notices something in the living room. It's a photo of Clark, standing with Bo Duke and MamaKent. Clark is wearing the blue T-shirt and red jacket combo. Jimmy holds the photo frame. Clark warns Jimmy that the picture is fragile. Ha! You're so fucked, Clark. Clark tries to dissuade Jimmy, but Jimmy has already pulled out a printout of his photo and is comparing it to one in the frame. Jimmy turns slowly. Clark takes the frame. He says he has lots of work to do, including fixing a tractor. "It's all so clear," Jimmy says. He's figured out that this is what was going on with Chloe the whole time. He looks to Clark. "You're not making any sense!" Clark tells him. Jimmy says it makes perfect sense. "It's you. Isn't it?" he asks. Clark gulps. Adventurous music. Oh, just tell him. Everybody else knows your secret, practically.
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As-Is Foundation, evening. Chloe is in Lana's Command Center, typing away. Millions of images are flashing on all the monitors around her. Big brain attack! The computer can't seem to keep up. There's a "System overload" and then a "fatal error." Luckily, the computer can still talk, because it tells us these things out loud. The screens start to go dark. We hear a muffled "Whoosh!" and then Clark walks in, still wearing the gray T-shirt. "Chloe. Jimmy knows my secret," he tells her. Hello and good day to you, too, sir. Chloe spins in her chair. "What!?" she says. Clark says Jimmy put it together with some research and family photos. Chloe is very surprised. "What did you do?" she asks. Clark says he just denied it. And then ran like Hell. Clark says he made up some chores and then came straight over here. Chloe apologizes for not listening to Clark sooner. She had no idea Jimmy would figure it out. In other words, she thought he was too stupid to make basic logical connections. Clark thinks they need to throw Jimmy off the trail, for his own good. You'll just be messing up his career, but that's all right! It'll be good for him! Jimmy walks in, again without knocking. He sees Clark and Chloe talking. "You beat me here!" he says with wonder. Jimmy asks if Clark blurred over here. Clark says that's ridiculous. Hey, if the Balki Bartokomous fits... Clark says he took the shortcuts. Oh, you mean the temporal time/space shifts that this show has been using since the first season? Jimmy says he was speeding the whole way. Fuck your shortcuts, spaceman. Clark has no answer for that. Jimmy asks him to show on a map the route he took. Chloe tries to cut in. She says it's not a witch hunt. Jimmy turns on her, asking if this is the big secret she's been keeping from him the whole time. I guess interrogation by electrocution didn't really work out so well for the happy couple. Jimmy, showing remarkable understanding, says he totally gets why they want to keep it a secret and he says he's got "C.K.'s" back. If you really had his back, you'd stop calling him "C.K." It's actually a bit sweet, the way Jimmy wants so desperately to be part of this small club. Clark, with a laugh in his voice, tells Jimmy that this secret he's so bent on exposing doesn't really exist. Aw, quick fucking with the kid already. Jimmy turns to Chloe and asks for the truth. Chloe walks right past Jimmy to stand next to Clark. She says that as much as she'd like to believe that Clark can break land-speed records, he's just a regular guy. Does this mean their marriage is doomed? Really, it just doesn't seem right that after the torture-engagement episode, Chloe could so casually fall into lying to her man again. "You don't trust me, do you?" Jimmy asks. Nope. Now, that cute Davis on the other hand... Clark says that there's nothing special about himself whatsoever. For once we are in agreement. Jimmy nods his head, like, "Yeah, I see how it is." He tells them that he'll just have to prove it. He starts thinking very hard. He leaves angrily. Chloe and Clark exchange looks. Good one, Clark.
A private jet on a runway. Clark, whooshing in, goes into the cabin. He finds Oliver Queen sitting down, surrounded by totally hot supermodels. He's having the time of his life. Oliver, his shirt buttoned too low, says that if Clark is looking for a jaunt to Aruba, he's going to have to find another plane; this one is packed. With vagina. It's an emergency vagina shipment. Oliver says the flight is full and they're about to take off. Their clothing? Oliver's also drinking. He's a stingy drunk. Clark says he hopes the pilot is sober. Pilot? They were going to run this flight on pure vaginal energy. WHOOSH! A model walks by Clark, giving him a fierce Posh Spice look as she goes. Oliver continues to make idle chitchat until Clark has had enough. He says he needs to talk to Oliver. Oliver, in full-on douchebag mode, says that now's not a good time, what with three women all over him, but that he'll drop Clark a postcard. Clark says it's urgent. Oliver asks the ladies to give them a second. Clark suppresses a smile as they walk by. "Look what you did," Oliver admonishes. He asks what's the latest crisis in Clark's life or if Clark just came by to lecture him about drinking and flying. Clark says that Jimmy knows his secret. Oliver guesses that Jimmy plans to splash Clark's photo all over the front of The Daily Planet . He wonders if that might not be such a bad idea. He says it would force Clark to step up a little bit. Hell yeah. "What happened to you?" Clark asks, pivoting effortlessly into Judgmental Ass Gear. He says Oliver has all but given up on Green Arrow. Clark says that Lois was mugged a block away from Oliver's apartment and that every time he's seen now, he's got a drink in his hand. Clark says that maybe Oliver's the one who needs to step up. Oliver tells Clark to relax. He thinks even superheroes need to take a vacation once in a while. Yeah, please. My fingers are killing me. How about a nice long November-December hiatus? Clark brings up the way he didn't tell Oliver when he knew about Papa Luthor killing his parents. Clark thinks it may have been a bad decision, but now he needs Oliver's help. Oliver offers to call when he gets back. "There's no time, Oliver!" Clark whines. Clark says people have died and lives have been turned upside-down because of his secret. He says he can't mindwipe people who know his secret, he can only protect people who know, like Jimmy. Clark asks Oliver to do it for Jimmy, not for Clark. What does Oliver care about Jimmy? Clark says Jimmy's just an innocent bystander. Oliver thinks about it. I guess that vagina shipment isn't going to make it to Aruba.
Metropolis. Ace of Clubs has apparently been rebuilt in record time . Lois and Dead Zone are having dinner. He's telling the story of a war zone and how he once had a shoulder next to him shot and was given an M-16 to join the fight. The story involves having a notebook tossed by a military officer. Lois pokes a hole in the story: she thought the notebook made it back from Baghdad. Dead Zone smoothly adds that he walked a mile and a half to retrieve it once the smoke cleared. Lois asks about his last few years. She wants him to be honest. She asks if he's had any big investigations. She's fishing for anything about crime or going undercover in a big prison. He says that bullets flying overhead is one thing, but being stuck in a tiny cell is not something he'd want. He says claustrophobia's a bitch. Lois asks if he's ever seen the inside of a big government facility. She thinks that would be a great story. He jokes that the last time he was in a big government facility was in high school. Lois takes a drink. She doesn't sound convinced. Dead Zone asks if Lois has ever had her palms read. She says she doesn't do well with fortune tellers. "The last one I went to see told me that I was destined to fall for a guy who flies a lot and likes to wear tights." Oh, for fuck's sake... wait, she's not done. She says she's waiting for her cross-dressing pilot to land. Come on, show. You could be so much better than this. Do we really need this horseshit spoon-fed to us every week? Why does it only seem to happen when Lois is around? Is it any wonder we hate her character? She's like the anti-G.E. She brings bad things to life. Dead Zone promises to only tell her the good stuff. He offers his hand. Lois is slow to take it. But she finally does. We go backwards, watching Lois ask about his notebook, then further back as Clark is zipping up her dress. She looks very pleased and happy as Clark is doing that, which Clark couldn't see. Even further back, we see Lois digging into her flash drives from Black Creek. She found Dead Zone. His abilities are classified but it reveals that he's a murderer. "I knew it," she tells no one in particular, "you were in Black Creek." We return to the present. Dead Zone is shaken up to learn that Lois knows his identity. "So," Lois asks, "am I going to live?" It pains me to think so. Dead Zone's phone suddenly rings. He says he has to take it and excuses himself. He goes all the way outside to a parked town car. Tess is in the backseat. Dead Zone sits next to her. He says he scanned her; she doesn't have the crystal. Tess, disappointed, asks if there's anything but air in that brain of hers. Would you believe just three sets of Whitesnake lyrics? Dead Zone says she knows his name because she has a flash drive of Black Creek files. Tess figures out that Lois stole them from the library. She doesn't think it implicates LuthorCorp, though. Dead Zone is freaking out that it implicates him . Tess is like, "Sorry, buddy. Sounds like you're screwed." Dead Zone grits his teeth. He tells Tess she might need to find a new reporter because Lois probably won't be showing up to work tomorrow. He goes back to the club. Wouldn't it have taken him a while to go on that elevator? I thought Ace of Clubs was way up on a high floor. Tess tells someone on the phone to move on to the next person of interest: Jimmy. Couldn't they investigate more than one person at a time? We cut to a driver in a car somewhere else. They give a signal to a street thug who puts on a black mask over his mouth.
We cut again, this time to a car pulling up to the back alley of The Talon. Lois thanks Dead Zone for dinner. She thinks he'll be able to navigate town without a tour book in his hand. Dead Zone asks about a transit map that Lois told him about. He offers to go upstairs with her and share a nightcap. But Lois looks terrible in one of those! Lois says she loves nightcaps, but she's on a lethal deadline. She has to proofread a 5,000-worder due at dawn. Where is it running The Daily Plant Review of Wasted Newsprint ? Seriously, 5,000 words for a newspaper story is insane. That's almost a recap of this show! Dead Zone says he's an excellent speller and offers to help. Lois says spell-check is her best friend. She says she'll see him mañana. No kiss or hug or anything. As Lois is walking up to the back entrance, Dead Zone waits until she opens the door. As she does, he pushes her inside. He pulls a gun on her. "No one can know who I am," he says, "I need that flash drive." Also, put some unprotected MP3s on there. It's a long drive back to Metropolis.
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A Metropolis street. Clark is standing on a street corner talking on the phone to Chloe. Chloe is nearby, speaking into her Bluetooth headset. Clark asks if she's ready. Chloe, wearing a bright red top (inconspicuous!) says she's ready as she'll ever be. She says she doesn't enjoy driving her car into anyone, including Clark. Clark tells her it's all right; someone's going to save her. He checks his phone; someone is on the other line. He reminds Chloe to move at 10 p.m. Clark switches over the other line. He can see the caller up on a nearby rooftop. It's Oliver. "Tell me you're sober," Clark says. Oliver, wearing a leather hoodie, complains that he could be in a cabana in Aruba, but instead he's on a rooftop with "You guys." Clark reminds him that he had to put on green leather to protect Oliver's identity. "Clark, you made out with my girlfriend, man, what do you have to complain about?" Oliver says. Clark tells him that they'll cross at 10. He asks the guy not to screw this up. Oliver tells Clark to keep his fingers crossed. Just then, Jimmy shows up. Clark thanks him for meeting up. Jimmy starts by saying that no matter what Clark tells him, he's not going to look at his friend any differently. "You'll always be the same old C.K. to me," Jimmy says. That's nice. Now let us completely lie to you with an elaborate ruse.
The Talon. Lois, up in the apartment, removes a flash drive from her red laptop and prepares to hand it over to Dead Zone. She tells him that he can ask anyone: she knows how to keep a secret. Dead Zone, still pointing a gun at her, says that she recognized him at the paper. "And I can just as easily forget!" she promises. She says she has a terrible memory and that he can trust her. Nah. Don't think so. She holds out the thumb drive. Dead Zone tells her that there's one thing you learn when you spend four years in a cage: you don't trust anybody. Long pause as he does nothing. Isn't this the part where you shoot her?
Back in Metropolis. Oliver is watching from the rooftop. He sees Jimmy and Clark walking. Clark is telling Jimmy that they can go get a cup of coffee and set the record straight. "Whatever you're comfortable with," Jimmy says as they walk, "I'm here for you." He's trying so hard.
Talon. Dead Zone says that he's sorry, but he won't ever be locked up again. Lois bats away his gun and starts swinging, punching him in the face. He overpowers her and pushes her back on a table. Then she pushes him back. They do the theater trick where you're both grabbing on to something and you hold your hands together and swing them wildly for control. They both fall on the floor and the gun slides across the floor. Lois kicks Dead Zone and goes for the gun. He grabs her as she goes and pushes her against the wall. Lois reaches into her pocket instead of reaching for the gun. She pushes some buttons quickly before she trips him up. He falls.
Chloe, in her car (or someone's car), starts the engine and begins. "On the move, Oliver," she says. Oliver just wants to get this over with. He pulls a Zorro mask down over his eyes. He aims his giant tubular crossbow. What do you have, a Cruise Missile on there? Jimmy and Clark are crossing the street. Clark's phone rings. It's Lois. She calls for help as Dead Zone holds his head and starts to get up off the floor. "Help, Clark!" she says again. Just then, Chloe's crazy car is rounding the corner, its headlights shining on Clark. Clark puts a hand on Jimmy and leads him away long before anyone would have been in any danger. Chloe sails by. Abort, abort!
We cut back to The Talon, where Dead Zone is back to attacking Lois. He lifts her up and throws her onto a coffee table, breaking it.
Metropolis. Clark tells Jimmy that he has to make a phone call. He tells Jimmy to wait as he ducks down an alley. Clark superzips away just out of Jimmy's view.
Lois grunts. Dead Zone picks up his gun. He turns to fire on Lois, but Clark is already there, waiting. Their hands meet. Clark punches his gut, sending him flying against the wall and over a dining table. Clark is already gone by the time he hits. Lois didn't see Clark. She breathes heavily.
Metropolis. Jimmy is still waiting, checking his watch. A masked man, the criminal from earlier, grabs Jimmy and says, "You're coming with me." Jimmy offers his wallet. The man, who has a knife, says he doesn't want Jimmy's money. He leads him toward a waiting car. Luckily, Oliver sees what's going on. "This isn't part of the plan," he says to himself in that disturbing, low, Green Arrow voice. Oliver fires a grappling hook at a flagpole on a nearby building. He tenses up the line. Oliver, wearing a ridiculous red cape, grabs the crossbow and uses it to sail across the line. He kicks the criminal in the chest as Jimmy watches. The thug lands on the intended getaway car. The accomplice inside backs away and drives off, without his partner. Clark appears. "Jimmy! What happened?" he asks. "Did you actually expect me to fall for that?" Jimmy asks. Jimmy thinks Clark just saved him. Clark says it wasn't him. He looks up. "It was him," he says. Up on the rooftop is Oliver, cape flapping near an American flag. "No way," Jimmy says. Bystanders are noticing and pointing. Clark watches their reactions. They seem happy and hopeful. Clark has to really chew that one over.
Commercials. The iPod Touch is fun. But can you really afford fun in these turbulent times?
Daily Planet , the next day. Someone is rolling by stacks of that day's paper. The front page has Jimmy's photo and the headline, "Faster than a speeding bullet." Clark is walking down the stairs. He grabs a copy and we get a closer look. The subheadline is, "Metropolis' good Samaritan?" Why the question mark? Clark is not smiling. Everyone in the newsroom is buzzing about the paper. That never happens. By this point, everyone would have already seen it on screen or as a proof. Jimmy, wearing an especially unprofessional bowling shirt, comes up to Clark and says he's sorry. Clark congratulates him. Jimmy feels bad that he almost pulled Clark out of a closet he wasn't even in. Are we still talking about the photo? Because Clark is still gay. Clark jokes that he's flattered Jimmy thought he could move at lightning speed. If only the plot could move that fast. Jimmy says there's a reason he thought Clark was a Good Samaritan. "Because I buy Girl Scout cookies twice a year?" Clark asks. Jimmy says Clark is the kind of guy people can count on. He says it's rare for someone to be there for friends and strangers like Clark. Clark enjoys this moment. He gives Jimmy the Gayest Look of the Episode, but it's a look of pure gay friendship. Platonically gay. And I'm all right with that. Lois rolls over in her office chair. "What's rare? A pen that works in this place?" she asks. Clark teases that he heard about her date last night. "Ended with a thud," he says. Clark apologizes for not getting her call until it was too late. Why did she call Clark and not the police? Lois says it wasn't a date. She was undercover. Clark asks why she didn't say she was working on a story. Lois says that if she had told Clark her secret, she'd have put him in harm's way. She says it was for his own good. Clark thanks her for looking out for him. Jimmy comes by and shows Lois the front page. Lois says she underestimated Jimmy. Lois says she was saved twice in two days. She says she's now a true believer. How does she explain the stuff in Metropolis happening at the same time she was saved in Smallville? She calls the hero a "Red and blue superdude." Other office staffers congratulate Jimmy on a job well done. He walks away with them. Clark says that a new fire chief is supposed to be announced soon. Lois says her days of covering "Yawner" press conferences are all but over. Oh really? You just decided that? Hope your editor agrees. Dipshit. Lois says she has a new mission in life: she's going to track down the superhero. "Really? Good luck with that," Clark says. She tells Clark to mark her words. She won't stop until she lands the first worldwide exclusive interview. The camera zooms in on her face. "Watch me," she says. Do we have to? Clark rolls his eyes and sighs.
Oliver's private plane. He's reading a copy of the paper as Clark stands behind him. Oliver jokes that Clark is pretty photogenic when you can't see his face. Clark says it could have been a lot worse. Oliver is surprised the story went to print. He says he was expecting to hear about a computer meltdown at the paper. Clark says that did cross his mind. He says he got to thinking (uh oh) that maybe his destiny is more than just secretly saving people. He thinks maybe he's also supposed to give people hope. I hope this episode is over soon. You can work on that for me. Oliver is glad Clark is catching on. Clark wishes Oliver a good vacation. Oliver says his vacation is over. He's heading to Europe to have a summit with his friends who like to "Dress up and kick ass." Clark's not invited? Clark asks what happened to partying and vagina transit. Oliver says that when he was swinging across the buildings taking the punk down, he felt like himself again. Oliver says that's who he is. Not the playboy running off for rum-soaked weekends or a corporate titan. He says underneath it all, he's Green Arrow. Clark is glad he's come back around. Oliver says he understands why Clark didn't tell him about his parents' murder . He thinks Clark was right. He doesn't think his parents would have been proud of how he'd have reacted had he known. Clark thinks Oliver's parents would have been very proud of the man he's become. Aw. Hugs? Clark gives him a piece of friendly advice: "Don't ever wear that cape again. It looked ridiculous." Clark walks off as the joke grenade goes off. BOOM! Oliver says he kinda liked the cape. "Sure helped with the aerodynamics," Oliver adds, smiling. Clark smiles back. Oliver tells him he should give it a try. "Not in this lifetime," Clark says and walks through a pair of red curtains ! Ack! All right, we get it! Stop hammering us over the fucking head with it! Jeez!
Metropolis General. Dead Zone lies in a hospital bed. We see a black glove touch the bottom of the bed. Dead Zone wakes up. "Who are you?" he asks. It's Chloe. She says she thought he'd like a visitor. She calls him by his real name: Wilson. He asks how she knows him. Chloe says she was at Black Creek and knows all about his ability. She asks how much of the story he got from the man he touched the other night, the one who saved Lois. "Let's just say he shouldn't have touched me," Dead Zone says. Uh oh. Wrong answer. He says guys like Clark belong in places like Black Creek. He asks why Chloe was there. "You don't seem so special," he says. Chloe takes off her gloves as she explains that the human mind is a sophisticated computer. She says if you download too much information, it crashes. And all the data is lost. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks. "Here. Let me show you," she says. She grabs his wrist. He grunts and struggles as scary music plays. Chloe just stares at him. His eyes flash computer code. Suddenly they flash and he goes dead and limp. Chloe walks out of the room and walks out in slow motion. There's an alarm as doctors and nurses rush into the room. They don't notice Chloe walking away. She seems to come to her senses as she walks away in slow motion. We go to black as suddenly evil Chloe-Braniac keeps walking. Wow! That was almost worth the rest of the lackluster episode.
Nest week: Kara is back and so is The Phantom Zone, it seems.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, " Trailers Without Pity ." You can find him on Terribly Happy , Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com .
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