Legion
Updated 2009-01-16 08:58:42
Welcome back from winter hiatus! Hey, remember that one time when Chloe's wedding got all ruined ? Whatever happened with that?
I guess Lana Lang is wondering the same thing. We open on a very faraway shot of the Kent Rural-Industrial Complex at night. Closer to the barn, we can see a sign from the Smallville High Alumni Banner Council that reads, "To the Future - Chloe and Jimmy." It's hanging outside. Unfortunately, the future kind of sucks right now. Inside the barn, we can see debris and papers strewn about. Lana wanders around listlessly, the only person there. Wouldn't some police investigators still be hanging around to figure out what happened? Lana stands, tiny, in the background. In the foreground, we see a lantern lying tilted on the floor. Uh, you wanna get that, Lana, before this whole place goes up in flames? No? Just gonna stand there and try to remember how to suppress your urge to act for this show? Fair enough. Lana actually gives a tiny, tiny shrug. Did she think we weren't looking? She pulls aside a tablecloth and finds Chloe's wedding bouquet. There's blood on it. Lana's eyes fill with tears. We hear a familiar whoosh. Clark, wearing a white dress shirt, calls out, "Lana!" Dude. She's right there . Clark says there's nothing more he can do. He's already searched three time zones for Chloe and the creature who took her. Does he think that's how many time zones there are total?
Lana, standing completely in place, asks what that thing was. Clark says that he was warned by Jarnelle that an Ultimate Destroyer was coming from Krypton. But he figured, "Meh, whatever, old man. I'll deal with it when I'm old and lame like you." Lana, who appears to be wearing a thick, oatmeal-like wig, gulps. Clark wishes the creature had gone after him instead of Chloe. Lana whines that this was supposed to be the happiest day of Chloe's life. Clark tells Lana that she should get some rest. Oh, don't worry. She's gotten plenty of that just standing around doing nothing. Lana says, instead, that she's going to the Isis Foundation. She thinks she might find some information there. Clark offers to go. Lana thinks she can help and that she's a different person from the person who left seven months ago. A person not tied down to a CW series. She says that Chloe needs both of them. It's not a brush-off, though. She and Clark hug tightly. She says she'll call Clark if she finds anything. Clark watches her go.
Just as soon as Lana is out the door, a purple portal opens up overhead, behind Clark. I hope it's not one of those purple portal people eaters. Some reject from The Hills Have Eyes , wearing lame armor, no sleeves and holding a giant axe, appears and takes a swing at a nearby box. The axe glows red as he does it. He smashes the box. Hey, that's where we were keeping the gift cards for the orphanage! You dick! The armored goofball stares harshly ahead through his metal mask's eyeholes. Clark, behind him, asks who he is and what he's doing there. Yeah, good one, Clark, have a rational conversation with the axe-wielding maniac. In slow motion, the dude swings the axe around and plunges it right into Clark's left side. Owie! The axe rings. Ding dong, I have to axe you something. Clark grits his teeth. He gets kicked in the chest and knocked over the barn railing. Clark falls and rolls downstairs. Axe Man puts a foot on Clark's chest, next to the bloody stain on the side of his shirt. He tries to bring the glowing axe down on Clark, but something stops the weapon. The axe flies out of the metal man's hands and swings away. A young man catches it nearby. He's wearing a ring with the letter "L" on it and looks like Orlando Bloom's doucheier little brother who's trying to grow a peachfuzz beard. "I'll take that," he says. The big lug is trying to do something, but he gets mind-whammied by a young blonde woman standing nearby. She's got fingers to her temple, so you know there's some serious mental power shit going on. Then a young redheaded man in a track suit steps up and fires some electricity from his hands, sending the Axe Man flying back. He hits some wood and falls. Younger Orlando Bloom takes a ring off the bad guy's finger and says, "Have a nice trip home, you hack." The meany disappears in a flash of purple light. Clark, still wounded, gets up and asks who they are. The three of them line up like bowling pins. "Kal-El, it is an absolute honor and privilege," the Bloom family lead visitor says. Clark asks how they know his name. "We are the Legion ," the girl says. Clark is told they're from the 31st century. "Hey Kal," the dorky redheaded guy asks, "where's the cape?" He makes a little gesture around his neck. "Cape?" Clark asks. I think it would be quite fashion-forward.
Opening credits. Commercials. The Uninvited invites you to come see it in theaters. If you're like me, you'll say the invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. Or that you were uninvited.
Shot of the barn window from outside, still nighttime. We cut to -- AUGGGGH! A gruesome close-up of Clark's tummy, which is all bloody against his white shirt. He holds a hand against the wound. You wanna... put some ice on that or something, Clark? Geez. Try not to attract flies with that. Clark grunts a bit. Shouldn't he be healing already? The girl in the red pleather track suit is there to explain. "That axe could split an atom," she says breathily, "you'll heal, but not as fast as you'd expect." Awesome. I'll just stand here gashing it up, then. Poor Man's Orlando Bloom tells "Imra" that it'll be fine and that they should go. They're not supposed to attract attention. Plus, this wedding totally blows. Clark says it's a little late not to be attracting attention. See: open stomach wound. Clark asks why he should believe that they're from the 31st century. They should tell him that the Chicago Cubs still haven't won a World Series. Little Ron Weasley squeaks that they know everything about Clark (creepy!) and that it may be his name now, but one day he'll be known as Sup-- he's interrupted by the other guy, who barks, "GARTH!" Clark's name is going to be Soupgarth? That's terrible. Bad idea, Clark. Poor-Orlando, who has some weird, shiny-smooth round metal shells across his lapels, says the less Clark knows, the better. In that case, things are always going to be just awesome. Imra of the Misplaced Consonants says that she can tell Clark that they're his friends. She smiles at him. Clark frowns. Friends, huh? Poor-Orlando says they're now leaving. "Garth!" he calls out. Oh, he's just jamming with Wayne Campbell over there. Garth is busy playing Freaky Fanboy. He pulls out Clark's Smallville Crows letterman jacket from a box and says, "No way!" They still say "No way" in a thousand years? The future's not so bright after all. Garth says he saw the jacket at the Levitz Museum behind Vizoglass. "Put that back!" his boss barks. "Oh, get the magnet out of your ass, Rokk ," Garth replies. Dude's name is Rokk? Let me get this straight: Rokk, Garth and Imra? This is the worst goth metal/emo-disco band in the world. Rokk reminds Garth about the code: "Don't. Touch. Anything!" he says. Clark, still holding his bleeding tummy, asks why they're here. To worship your underwear, of course.
Rokk says that they came to save Clark. Now that it's done, they're heading back. Clark wants to know about the "Axe-wielding psycho." Oh, that. He's a spokesman for Axe Body Spray. Doesn't your wound smell sexy? Rokk says it's against Legion code. "I don't care about your code!" Clark yells. Your code hurts my belly! He also doesn't care about their Legion. Clark says it "Lesion," which has a slightly different meaning. He's mad that he's been attacked twice in one night in the barn. Maybe you should get Barn Attack insurance. Just sayin'. Clark says his best friend is missing and he needs to find her. Rokk and Imra try not to bust out laughing at their own ridiculous names. Rokk explains that the guy with the axe is named "Persuader." He's the most valuable guy on the Legion Debate Team. Rokk says the villain is part of the Human Supremacist Movement. Garth chimes in that those xenophobes would rather die than live in peace with aliens. Nice try, spaceman. We fell for that one back in the '80s with V. "They all pretty much hate you," Garth adds. Rokk tells Clark that Persuader stole one of their Legion rings and broke into the Time Institute to come after Clark. It used to be called the AOL Time Warner Institute. Clark asks what a 31st-century terrorist wants with him. Er, yeah, Clark, we don't have "terrorists" in the 31st century. We just call them "assholes."
Rokk tries to figure out how to explain things to Clark without completely ruining his life (or the universe). He says Clark's influence will extend far beyond Earth. Clark's big in Uranus. (Rimshot! No, wait, no rimshot. That's even dirtier.)Rokk says that because of Clark, the world will welcome alien immigrants with open arms. Unfortunately, the aliens have eyestalks for elbows and it gets a little awkward with the hugging. By the way, you can shut up now, Rokk. I think you're damaging the very fabric of the future by the second. Clark blinks. "What do you know about aliens?" he asks, slowing the conversation down considerably. Rokk just smiles. Garth explains that he may look like a dashing human, but he's actually from a hunk of mud called "Winath" ; the others are aliens, too. Imra speaks to Clark's mind, telling him that they formed the Legion to help others, the way Clark does. Did. Will do. Hasn't yet done. I'm absolutely sure that Clark isn't able to follow all this. She says they have to say goodbye. Rokk interrupts that by noticing something on the floor. It's some sort of circular, palm-sized blade with some red rock attached. He says it's what remains of the Phantom Zone crystal. Rokk says it was supposed to be used to extract Brainiac from the person being possessed. Imra guesses that Clark wasn't the target of Persuader's mission. He was sent to make sure Brainiac survives. Clark interjects; he says Brainiac has already been destroyed . Rokk, not taking his eyes off the broken crystal, says that Brainiac isn't dead yet. All right, man. You can stop staring now. Even the inanimate crystal is getting creeped out.
The Fortress of Brainitude. Davis, sans shirt, is lying on an ice platform. He has blood on his right hand. He awakes suddenly with a sputtering gasp. Wow, even in soft focus, that nipple is hard as a rock. Try not to cut any glass with that, dude. Davis turns to his left and sees Chloe standing there in her wedding dress. It's bloodied along the left side of her torso, mirroring Clark's recent axe wound. Davis, still wearing pants at least, gets to his feet and rushes to see if she's all right. She steps forward into the light. Her face is ashen and her eyes are dark circles. Her lips are faded, almost light purple. "I'm just about perfect," she says, coldly. Davis comes closer to see what's wrong. She suddenly grabs his chin and turns his face this way and that. "You appear undamaged," she tells him. Davis asks what happened. "Chloe ceased to exist the minute she entered this Fortress," Brainiac-within-Chloe answers. She says she's the Brain Interactive Construct. Davis is like, "Ah. That's nice. Can I have my chin back?" Davis tries to connect with Chloe by saying his name. "You're not Davis Bloome," she scoffs, "you're not even human." Davis looks stricken. Chloiac comes down from her platform and steps forward, making Davis walk backward. She informs him that he was hatched by Kryptonian geneticists, who made him so he'd adapt to any world. She says that his painful transformations were just part of his eventual metamorphosis. So why does he keep going back to being Davis, then? Why the werewolf act? Davis tries not to believe it. Chloiac admits it's a little sad, from a human perspective. She gets right up in his face, teasing him with her lips. She mentions his romantic attraction. Davis tries to reach the Chloe inside. Chloiac disregards his feelings. She says the romance was just a program to get Davis to her. Waddling in the dress, Chloiac says it's time for Davis to incubate in his Kryptonian chrysalis. As the camera cranes down on her little monologue, Chloiac says that he won't feel pain or doubt anymore. Just rage and power. Neat! Davis tells her to stay the Hell away. We can see he's got some blood smeared on his stomach. He turns and Chloiac is right there behind him, having super-speeded over. She says he's part of the plan. He needs to get rid of the other Kryptonian and then the rest of the planet. Davis says he's not going to hurt anyone. "You have no free will," she says. After 12 days in the cocoon, she tells Davis, he'll become what he's really meant for. "Doomsday," she says, darkly. His eyes widen. Oh shit! That doesn't sound like a positive makeover!
Kent Farm. Clark, who has changed into a blue T-shirt, is still trying to convince the Legion that he's beaten Brainiac. They tell Clark that history has marked this day as the day when Clark defeats the 'bot. Garth says he flunked history and even he knows the date. Clark notices a wedding program showing Chloe and Jimmy's photo. It gets his brain gears whirring. Irma notices a disturbance in the Jello-O-like brain force. She asks why Clark thinks Chloe has something to do with Brainiac. "You think she's the host," Rokk guesses. Yes. The one with the most. Clark walks dramatically to the door, saying he'll take care of this and that they can go back to the future. Sing the Huey Lewis song for all he cares. Rokk says that if Brainiac isn't defeated, they won't have a future to go back to. Wouldn't you already have disappeared by now, having never existed? Chew on that, future guy. Rokk points to the crystal as the problem; Clark was supposed to use it to beat Brainiac, but now it's broken. Clark thinks there must be another way. Garth says the crystal is the only way to do it without killing the host. Rokk informs Clark that he's going to have to kill the host. Imra asks, "Who's Chloe Sullivan?" Clark doesn't want to answer that.
Commercials. Your parents and H&R Block have asked me to remind you to start doing your taxes. Don't wait until April!
Clark is standing by an elevated railroad track, having ducked out of the conversation at his house. It's daytime. The members of Legion have followed, flying over. We only see a tiny portion of the flying because, well, because it's expensive, frankly. Rokk asks why Clark left. Clark says he wants to do this alone. Garth wonders why they couldn't talk about this up in the sky. "I can't fly," Clark says, miserably. Garth can't believe it. He's a little heartbroken. "What's up with that?" he asks. Rokk says that obviously Clark hasn't learned yet. He asks where Clark is going. Clark plans to go to the Fortress to see Jarnelle. Clark fills them in on Chloe's history with Brainiac and how he thought she was cured. Rokk levels with Clark. He says that in the future, they've heard of Lana Lang, Lois Lane and even Jimmy Olsen, but nobody's heard of Chloe. "Then you don't know me as well as you think," Clark says. Imra, trying to make things nice, says that maybe Chloe's name was just lost to the "annals" of history. Yes, right back there. Garth translates: he says that Chloe probably doesn't survive. Clark turns and grabs him roughly by the track suit. "Chloe Sullivan doesn't die! You hear me?" he says. Garth, who just grew another chin from fear, backs off. Rokk tries to be nice to "Kal," but Clark takes off. "Lightning Lad!" Rokk says, "you might want to take your A.C. foot out of your D.C. mouth before you short yourself out!" he admonishes. Wow. What a terrible line. I guess it's the future version of, "Check yo'self before you wreck yo'self." [ More specifically, the futuristic, electricity-themed superhero version. - Zach ] "Grife, Rock!" Garth says. Fark! Garth wonders if they've even got the right guy. This Clark seems like a real dick. "No glasses? No tights, no flights?" Garth asks. He says that so far, Clark is nothing like the Man of Steel. Dude, tell me about it. I've been saying that for eight years!
Isis Foundation. Lana is sorting through stacks of lavender and purple folders. Imra suddenly appears near the entrance. She says she didn't mean to scare Lana, but she needs help. "How do you know who I am?" Lana asks. Doesn't everybody know who Lana is? She was married to Lex Luthor. "I'm from the future," Imra says, instead. Ah. Good luck with that explanation. Lana thinks she's a meteor freak who is suffering from delusions. Imra brings up Chloe's name. She says that Chloe's been taken over by Brainiac. Lana's scared. Nevertheless, she thinks they'll find a way to stop him. Imra tries to convince Lana to convince Clark to kill Chloe, the host. Ha! Bad idea, lady. Lana, disgusted, says she'd never ask Clark to kill anyone. Imra says that ever since she was a little girl, she read stories about Lana. Oh, gawd, here we go. She says she read about Lana's incredible hardships and the amazing things she'll go on to do. Dear Lana: we've sent a fluffer from the future. Prepare for some emotional pampering. Imra says that Lana is part of the reason Clark turns out the way he does. Yeah, blame her. She says billions will die if Brainiac survives. Imra came to Isis because Lana understands sacrifice more than anyone. Oh, really? Lana's kind of a dolt, actually. Do they say that in the history vizo-books? Lana maintains that killing a friend is not an option. Imra says that Lana hasn't told Clark the real reason she disappeared. Or what she plans on doing next. Lana just stares. Her thoughts are being read. Imra insists that killing Chloe is the only way to stop Brainiac.
The Talon. Garth and Rokk are in Chloe's apartment. Garth thinks they should be chasing Clark (which wouldn't be hard since he's bound to the ground), but Rokk would rather find out what he can about Chloe. He says it in the creepiest way possible, too, as if the search begins right in her panty drawer. Garth picks up a giant binder the inconspicuously says, "WALL OF WEIRD ETC... -- TORCH W.O.W. (ISIS) ARCHIVE." There's also an Isis business card taped to the binder and stickers for The Daily Planet and the Torch . Wow, I wonder how Lex was ever able to stay a step ahead of Chloe. Smart one, Chloe. Garth opens it. The first item is a Torch newspaper front page with a story about Alicia (oh, we miss her) with the headline, "Can any cell hold her?" Garth marvels at all the intel on superhumans. Garth mentions Isis. Rokk recognizes it as the place Lana founded to help people with their powers. Rokk wonders if maybe Chloe's involvement with Isis somehow led her to helping Clark embrace his abilities. Garth posits a popular fanwank theory: that maybe Chloe had to change her name when Clark started flying to protect her identity. Rokk says, chillingly, "Maybe Chloe's death is what inspired him to take flight in the first place." Yeah, I guess there's that.
Fortress. Extreme close-up on Clark as he cries, "JARNEEEEEELLLE!" Keep it down, my son, your dad is trying to watch Band of Brothers on Blu-ray. Jeez. No answer. Something whooshes and Clark turns in the complete wrong direction. Nice superhearing. Chloiac is standing behind him. She says Clark's father is gone and all the knowledge from the Fortress now belongs to this Brainiac. Clark frowns. He tells Brainiac to leave Chloe alone. "My hunger's never satisfied," Chloiac responds. Hey, Brainiac, have you ever heard of Whataburger? Because, dude, I can totally help you there. Three Omieburgers and you will go back to whatever's left of Krypton a happy, burping robot. "Knowledge is what fuels me," Chloiac says. Oh. Forget the Whataburger, then. Might I interest you in a printout of the Whataburger menu , instead? Chloiac waddles over to a large block of ice. She puts a hand on it and drains all the light out of the thing. She says that humans suck, but their collective knowledge is rich and tangy. Clark says that Braniac will never be human. I think he knows that. All shifty-eyed, Chloiac says that after she drains the planet of all its knowledge, Doomsday will destroy whatever's left. "Doomsday," Clark repeats. Well, that doesn't sound good. Chloiac shoots him a sultry, mean look. She says it's a simple plan: absorb and destroy. It's what an evil Bounty paper towel would do. Clark grabs Chloiac by the arms and lifts her up, pissed off. He pushes her back against some ice. Clark realizes that Brainiac brought Doomsday to Earth. They both notice some sharp ice spikes behind Chloiac. "Go on," she says. Impale, then live to tell the tale. "Kill me," she whispers. Clark purses his lips in frustration. Stupid, stupid choices! Chloiac knew Clark would never harm her in "this human's skin." That's why Brainiac chose her. She lifts Clark above her head easily and body slams him across the room. He lands on some hard ice. Ow! Chloiac zips away. Clark gets up and looks around. He zips away in a red streak, in pursuit. The camera shifts over to the left and we see shirtless Davis encased in ice, lying in suspended animation. He's a Doomcicle.
Commercials. Wal-Mart sells digital TVs just like the ones at your big electronic stores! Given that Circuit City just went under, that doesn't inspire much confidence.
Streets of Metropolis. It's raining. Garth, Rokk and Imra are walking together looking inconspicuous (that is, if they're pretending they're German tourists). Garth coughs, complaining about the pollution. Rokk says that humans won't replace carbon fuels for another 20 years. Oh, go back to 3011, you goddamned hippies! Imra doesn't care, she just wants to protect the awesome humans who gave Clark his indominatable spirit. And punch them in the mouth. Garth and Imra are from the future, but they don't seem to have perfected undershirts that stay above the jacket line. He says that all they know about Kal-El is from holovids and data files. He wonders if the person they've been looking up to is "more legend than Legion." Don't you know him personally? Why all the whining? Rokk insists that Clark is no fraud. Imra suggests they have to stop Brainiac whether Clark is on-board or not. Garth resets his chins. He says, determined, "We're gonna have to kill Chloe Sullivan ourselves." Also, you should say it loudly and in public so everyone can hear you. Rokk and Garth have a short staring contest, but Rokk loses. For a moment, it was the Gayest Look of the Episode.
Isis. Clark whooshes in, looking for Lana. Clark says that the creature isn't the main problem; they've got Brainiac to deal with. Lana knows. She tells Clark she had a visitor who explained everything. Lana is searching the power grid for any surges that would lead them to the robot. She brings up the issue of killing Chloe. What say you? "What if she's right?" Clark asks. Clark rationalizes; he says he's always put the lives of his friends before everything else, but he's struggling with weighing Chloe's life against that of billions of other people. Lana looks at Clark sternly. She says that she may have been gone a while (oh, yeah, how was Street Fighter ? [ Don't ask. - Z ]), but the Clark she knew would never doubt himself. Are you fucking kidding me? Clark is never not doubting himself! They almost changed his name to Thomas because he's always doubting. His favorite Broadway play and subsequent movie adaptation is Doubt . His favorite movie to watch on cable is Mrs. Doubtfire ! The only music on his iPod is No Doubt! Lana must be thinking of the other guy she was screwing, Lex Luthor. Lana cuts Clark off and says that her Clark would never waver. I'd pursue that thread, but can't think of enough pop culture references containing the word "Waver." Lana says Clark should save Chloe and the rest of the world. Yeah, I'll put that on my to-do list next to, "Don't renew Season Nine contract." Thanks, Lana. Clark is suddenly inspired. Lord knows why.
Daily Planet . This reminds me that Lois isn't in this episode, and yay for that. A siren blares in the distance. A worker in a suit (could it be a reporter?) is thrown against the wall and tumbles down some stairs. The thrower is Chloiac, still in the bloody dress, still looking poised for battle. She whooshes downstairs, grabs some cables out of a power cabinet, then opens up a server and sticks her hand on it. She arches her back in pleasure as the data courses through her. A screen behind her shows three green balls coursing with energy. All the screens get that symbol. A woman comes up to a worker who is hypnotized by the screen and she becomes entranced, too. Chloiac mugs for the camera, making all kinds of sinful, evil faces.
At Isis, Lana has detected a power surge, conveniently right around the corner at the newspaper. "That makes sense. It is the hub of information," Clark says. Lana's screen suddenly cuts to the green orbs. Balls! Lana goes blank. Clark pulls her around and tries to get her out of her daze. Yep. Zombie Lana is back. Lana just stares straight ahead. Clark is frustrated. But not as worried as last time.
Daily Planet . Chloiac is still draining information from the database, but is interrupted by Imra, who is trying to send a psychic message. She has two fingers on her forehead and it just looks really, really silly. Chloiac blasts her with some sort of green information ray. Suck my science! Imra lies on the floor holding her ear. "Nice try, telepath," Chloiac says. "Your sadism's historic where I come from!" Imra says. Oh my goodness, please shut up, Imra. She says Brainiac's defeat is also historic. Chloiac says history's about to get a re-write. She's suddenly blasted across the room and through a window by a giant, tubular blast of energy. We see Rokk and Garth having pulled it off together. "Nice sync-up!" Garth says. "For once," Rokk says. Garth says the electromagnetism will crash any computer. Imra has a headache. The three of them push ahead to finish the deed. Imra touches Chloiac's forehead. She's unconscious. Imra picks up low-level brain activity and says they don't have much time. Rokk figures out that Brainiac was trying to suck every last byte of human knowledge, one mind at a time. So... I guess you should fix that.
Commercials. Select Harvest Light soup is throwing the smack down on Progresso soup. Watch your back, Campbell's.
Daily Planet . Imra makes herself useful by clearing off the contents of a nearby desk. Rokk lays the unconscious Chloiac on it. Garth is holding a very sharp silver dagger. [ A knife? All their powers, and they're going to stab her? - Z ] Rokk offers to do it. He usually carves the Thanksgiving Roboturkey. Garth says he took an oath when he joined the Legion. To cut up chicks whenever possible. "And I'm gonna honor that. For once." What's all this "For once" business? Don't bring shit up if you're never gonna explain it to us non-comic book geeks, all right? Garth hesitates. His hand shakes. Rokk looks at Imra. She shakes her head. Maybe next time we won't bring a total pussy with us from the future. Rokk says it's all right. He takes the knife. He starts to bring it down, but Clark is suddenly there and grabs his hand. If they both have the same powers, isn't it likely Clark wouldn't have been able to stop the swing? [ All Rokk has is the power of magnetism. Like Magneto! - Z ] "What are you doing?!" Clark asks. Er... nothing! Just, uh... giving her a tattoo. On her neck. It was gonna be so cool. You ruined the surprise, Clark. Rokk says they disabled Braniac temporarily, but that the robot will be back, soon. "Don't touch her!" Clark says. Imra tells Clark that his friend is no longer in that body. Clark looks over at all the frozen zombie people. He asks if they powered them down, too. Geez, Clark, wanna be a little more judgmental right now? We're suffering a bit of a Sanctimonium shortage. Garth says Brainiac did that. Rokk reminds Clark that the host has to die to shut Brainiac down. "Does your Legion have any principles?" Clark demands. I hope so. Didn't you inspire it? Clark says that if they have a code, the number one rule should be, "Do not kill. EVER!" Clark asks them to help. "There's a human being inside there!" he tells them. Clark thinks they can do it. Imra, leaning in close to Chloiac, says "Kal's right. Chloe's there. I can hear her." [ What, they didn't check? - Z ] We hear a tiny whining sound that doesn't at all resemble Chloe's voice. Rokk blinks his eyes hard. He exhales.
Kent Farm. There's a big electrical storm. Clark is carrying Chloe into the barn. Rokk asks what they're doing there. "We're running out of time!" he says. Yeah, why the transport? Clark lays Chloiac down on a coffee table. He says that he doesn't want Brainiac near any computer networks if he reboots. Clark circles around the group and asks them to work together. He asks Imra to communicate with Chloe. Clark asks Garth and Rokk to help attack Brainiac. He suggests that whatever's powering the robot must have some kind of metal they can extract. Rokk says he's never used his powers that way, but he might be able to "extract the nanites." Go wash your mouth out with soap! It's dirty! Garth suggests he can short-circuit Brainiac with a static attack. Cool. Go get some dryer sheets. "Get ready for a techno-exorcism!" he says excitedly. Indeed, they're all gathered around Chloe like they're about to play "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." Imra makes contact with Chloe. Imra says she's asking for Clark. Clark says he's there and that they're going to try to get rid of Brainiac. Her body begins to convulse. Imra says that Brainiac is coming back online. Chloiac's eyes open. Clark tells Garth and Rokk to go for it. Garth blasts Chloiac as she sits up with lightning, pinning her down. He forms an electric oval over her body. Rokk takes his sweet fucking time holding up his hands and conjuring. Chloiac buckles and shakes. A spiky circle of metallic dust comes out of Chloiac's mouth and forms into a dark crystal ball. It lands in Rokk's hands.
We cut to Davis at the Fortress. The ice he's in suddenly cracks. His eyes open. They're red.
Cut to Lana at Isis. Her screens return to their Isis screensaver and she comes out of her trance.
Back at the barn, the exorcism is over. Rokk is holding an ugly, small bowling ball of evil. It's a 6-6-6 split. Clark stares at the ball menacingly. Stupid metal ball! Chloe's makeup and hair are back to normal. Clark asks if she can hear anything. Her eyes open. They're normal. She looks over to Clark. She breathes heavily and says she's fine. "I definitely feel a whole lot dumber," she asks. Clark thinks that's just awesome. The Legion exchange approving looks. Chloe sighs one more time before we go to a break.
Commercials. Nobody said Skittles commercials had to be culturally sensitive.
Chloe's apartment. She's packing up some of Jimmy's belongings, including clothes, some DVDs and books and one of his cameras in a suitcase. There's a knock at the door. Clark enters without waiting. He's glad to see her. Chloe's glad to be rid of Brainiac. She says she'll feel even better when she sees her "husband" (wow!) in Star City. She's going to relieve Lois of her nursing duties. Chloe's glad he's all right. She says Jimmy's lucky to have made it past that creature alive. Clark says they haven't seen the "Destroyer" yet, but he was definitely linked to Brainiac. Luckily, there's been no sign of him. Only that's not such a good thing. Clark, gauging the temperature in the room, asks, "So... how's your memory?" She says it's fine, but everything after "Here Comes the Bride" is a blur. Clark, still clumsily prodding, asks, "You don't remember anything unusual about me ?" What, you got a haircut? Really, Clark, you need to stop fishing for compliments from people who are in the middle of major life changes. Chloe has to think about that. Smiling, she asks, "Are we talking about your secret? What in the world would make me forget that?" Oh, I don't know, a shitty best friend , maybe? Well, we knew Chloe's brain wipe wouldn't last, and thank goodness. Now Clark will just have to cut her head off with his eyejaculating ocular cannons. Clark says she's been through a lot lately. Chloe reiterates that it would take a lot more than Brainiac to wipe that from her memory. Noted. Chloe thanks Clark for not giving up on her. He says he'd never do that. Chloe says, very seriously, that if it came down to it, she hopes Clark would do the right thing. Don't throw a trashcan through the window at Sal's Famous Pizzeria. Chloe says Clark should sacrifice her to save the world; she'd understand. Clark promises that won't happen as long as he's around. Chloe smiles a bit sadly at him. Let's hear it for sacrifice.
Kent Home. Imra is looking at photos on the mantle, including one featuring Clark and Lana smiling. Clark is wearing a suit with a red tie and Lana is looking off to the side. Imra turns as Lana enters through the front door. She's got huge banana earrings hanging down and is still wearing all black. Lana says she's looking for Clark. "The boys are out fixing the barn," Imra says. "The boys?" Aren't you all aliens and potentially gender neutral? Don't you have, like, sex organs in your armpits? Awkward silence. Lana says she knows Imra was only doing what she thought was best. Imra admits that they were willing to take the easy way out. She says Kal-El never gave up. History (future history) says he brings out the best in people. But very often the worst in a TV show. Imra says Lana is lucky. Lana can't resist asking about her future with Clark and where they're going to go. Imra says that's for Clark and her to discover. But she does tell Lana that she'll be remembered for a lot more than her relationship with Clark. Imra says Lana has a destiny all her own. Fantastic. I can't wait for next year's CW spinoff Squirrel Girl . Imra tells Lana that her secret is safe. Lana just smiles and says nothing. Whoah, don't use all your emotions at once. Save some for the rest of the season.
The Barnness of Reconstructitude. Things look pretty fixed up. Nobody said alien day labor wasn't efficient. Rokk puts his palm over some nails and they magically are driven into a wood railing. What were those giant nails doing just standing there in the first place? Garth, inappropriately digging through Clark's things again, finds a baseball. "Holy sprock!" he exclaims. Could you try that again and make it a little bit gayer , please? Rokk says it was an artifact they could never find: the first baseball Clark ever hit. They say Clark hit it straight across Smallville. Clark says they're right. Bo Duke hunted for it until he found it on the other side of town. Unlikely. Garth asks if he can keep it. Rokk rolls his eyes from here to Uranus. "You're acting like a sub," he admonishes. Yes, there's something of the gawky substitute teacher in Garth. (Save your e-mails; I know "Sub" is a reference to something in the comics having to do with Legion rejects . I just don't care.) Garth asks if Clark will sign the ball for Garth's sister. Clark blasts the ball with his eye beams. It reads, in giant letters, "CK." Imra walks in carrying the dense black ball of Brainiac. Should she just be walking around with that thing? Shouldn't it be encased in lead or something? Imra says it must be time to go home. Clark asks if they're sure they want to take Brainiac with them. (I'm sure it'll cause trouble and give Clark a reason to go to the future.) [ I dunno -- I doubt the budget for this show will ever allow for 30th-century sets to be built. - Z ] Rokk thinks they can reprogram it into something useful. "Let's hope Brainiac 5 is a little more friendly," Imra says. Hell, just call him "Johnny 5."
Rokk apologizes to "Kal" for doubting his methods and, you know, trying to kill Chloe. "There's always a way," Clark says, patronizingly. "Preserve life at all costs," Rokk says. He promises that'll be the first rule of the Legion code from now on. Before, it was like number 54, behind, "He who smelt it, dealt it." Rokk shakes hands with Clark. "It truly was an honor." Oh, go home and don't wash your hand for a century. He gives Clark a Legion ring and tells him he can come visit if he ever wants to meet the rest of the Legion. Are they as lame as you three? Rokk says he's programmed the ring for time travel only. "No flights. Not yet," he adds. Garth says Clark will have to fly without training wheels. Imra advises Clark to focus on 3009. They'll be there to meet him. Can we make sure Fry from Futurama is there, too? Clark says he'll stick with his time zone for a while. But it's not... a time zone isn't... there's no time element to... fuck! You goddamned big, dumb alien! Imra kisses Clark on the cheek. It tastes like cheese. They all hope to see him again. Rokk tells Clark to be careful in the days ahead. Darkened music plays. The three future aliens gather together, stick their fists in the air and face each other. "Long live the Legion," Rokk says. Their rings glow brightly and they disappear in a flash of light. Clark smiles. Thank God. He thought he was going to have to wash all the bed linens again.
Later on, Clark is sitting on the front porch, playing with the Legion ring. Lana finds him there. She says she didn't think Clark was much for jewelry. Have you seen his cock ring? It's plat'num, beeyatch! Clark says it was a going-away gift. Only he wasn't the one going away. Clark says it's weird to meet people who know exactly where you're going. They're like airline pilots in that sense. Lana doesn't believe they know everything; they really shit the bed on the Chloe situation. Clark says they didn't have human parents to teach them more than just how to use powers. Lana says their role model is different. Yeah, so it's your fault anyway, Clark. Ha ha! Clark says that even though he's gone through (eight seasons) of crap, he's just getting started. Clark brings up the part where he becomes legendary throughout the galaxy. He scoffs slightly, but secretly digs the attention. Lana tries to boost Clark. She says there's no doubt in her mind it'll happen. She thinks Clark should do it on his schedule, not theirs. He asks if they mentioned anything about her future. Lana says it doesn't matter. She thinks their destinies aren't written in a book in the future, but in our actions now, every day. Clark asks what they should write next. How about a series finale for Season Eight? Make my life easier.
The Fortress. We hear ice breaking and see chunks of dark pieces flying. Something hits the ground. It's the grody, metallic, red-eyed Doomsday, landing on the ground. The music freaks out with the fear strings. Be afraid, children!
By the way, nice job with this episode, writer Geoff Johns. You did not fill up my universe with fail this week and for that, I thank you.
Next week: Lana's still around and I have a feeling she's going to be causing some trouble.
Discuss this episode in our forums , then check out our new, updated guide to Green Arrow, Doomsday and the Superbeings of Smallville !
Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, " Trailers Without Pity ." You can find him on Terribly Happy , Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com . Plus, you can hear him on NPR's " All Tech Considered ," Mondays as part of All Things Considered .