Coma Chameleons
Updated 2004-12-05 16:00:00
Only one episode stands between me and holiday festivities. "Scare." Am I scared? You bet I am.
The Barnness of Firstactitude. A crescent moon is shining, and a light is on up in the loft. Inside, a nice set of gams in a pair of red stiletto high heels is walking up the stairs. Lex! He does get a close shave, doesn't he? Clark looks up from his studying. He was reading Profiles in Dumb-ass for inspiration. Wait a minute! That's not Lex! It's Lana, wearing red! I call bull*****. Lana is wearing her red *****-me heels, except on Lana they're "You'd better not think about *****ing me because I will make your life absolutely miserable in every way and you still won't get any" heels. She's also wearing a tight red sweater and a short pleated skirt. Have we ever seen Lana in a skirt like that? My Lana Fashion Magic 8-Ball says, "No, but then we weren't really looking." Lana says she was hoping Clark was up. Clark -- sporting the blue plaid but not really rocking it -- asks if everything is all right. Lana looks really flushed. At first, because she's shiny through this scene, I thought she didn't have enough makeup. My wife, who just got a shipment in the mail from Sephora and knows a thing or two about it, thinks Lana's wearing too much makeup, thus creating a surface smoother than marble upon which the lights are shining. Still, Lana looks pretty ruddy and flushed here. Between that and the red wear, we can assume that something's amiss. Lana says she thinks she made a mistake. Let's compromise: the show made a mistake with Lana. "Jason," Clark says, with unusual confidence. He gets up and says, in a very annoying smug voice, that he's not sure he's the one Lana should be talking to about this. Lana, all Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, thinks otherwise. Lana says that the whole thing with Jason -- with him following her to town -- might be a lie. Clark smirks. Annoying! Lana thinks Jason may have an ulterior motive, but she doesn't know what it would be. Lana's lips are so shiny that they're screen-burning into my rear-projection set. Lana says that Jason is starting to scare her. She's so scared she's whispering all her lines. Clark steps forward, still with the smug. He says he'd never let anything happen to her. Lana says it's made one thing very clear: that she should never have given up on her and Clark, and that she's always been in love with Clark. They kiss. With open mouths, even. They tumble to the ground. Clark gets top bunk. They do more lip mashing. Lana puts her hands on Clark's stomach as his shirt rides up. Mmm, that's good ab.
Just as Lana is starting to arch her back, Cinemax-style, someone pulls Clark off of her. Lana's like, "That's all right. I can finish up here." It's Jason. He throws Clark's ass down the stairs without too much effort. Like I said, something's uuu-uuup! Jason says he knew he couldn't trust Clark. Yeah. He's a man-ho. Lana yells for Jason to stop. Clark and Jason struggle. "Haven't you hurt her enough already?" Clark grunts. Well, not any more than you have, Clark. Jason punches Clark. They butt heads, and it sounds like raw steaks slapping. More punching. "Jason!" Lana admonishes. Clark, nose bloody, falls unconscious. Jason turns to Lana: "Clark can't protect you from me!" The ***** is that supposed to mean? "Nobody can," he adds. Lana, looking hateful, steps forward. She stabs Jason in the gut with a knife. This week, the part of Lana will be played by Stabby McGee, the fastest draw in the west. Jason is like, "Ow! You stabbed me! You *****ing stabbed me!" With a pair of scissors, even. What is it with Lana and scissors, and this week with Lana and stabbing? The camera pans up Lana's chest. Jason still looks incredulous. He stumbles back and somehow throws himself through a wooden railing and off the loft. He falls back, and the camera follows him. Worst CGI transition ever: the background behind him recedes, and it turns from the barn interior to the inside of The Talon. It's not exactly Lord of the Rings-level animation here, is it?