After School Special
Updated 2009-01-30 09:55:34
Rattle, Rattle BLOOD-RED THEN! and wow. Just about everything in here's either from Season One or from one of the two flashback episodes they've done in the past, so, you know. Don't expect me to drive myself insane digging up all of the relevant linkage, okay? "Okay!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, and Raoul, I wasn't talking to you . "I do appreciate that fact, I'm sure! " Raoul shrieks again. "I was simply trying to be helpful! " Ah. In that case, I offer you my thanks, friends of friends. "Never a problem! Continue!" As you wish. So, way back in the series premiere , we learned that when nine-year-old Wee Sam was afraid of the thing in his closet -- and don't you dare giggle at that, Raoul -- his worthless excuse for a so-called father quite literally handed Wee Sammy a .45, and on top of that , between the weapons training and the never-ending care and feeding of their various sawed-off shotguns, Sucky John raised Our Intrepid Heroes -- to Darling Sammy's eternal ambivalence, I should remind you -- "like warriors." We're also briefly reminded of the fact that watching out for Sammy was Dean's only real job growing up before the montage hurls us into an endless string of arguments they've had both between themselves and with their worthless excuse of a so-called father over the years, on topics ranging from Dean's blind faith in Sucky John to Darling Sammy's reasons for remaining incommunicado whilst at Stanford to Sam's feelings of utter abandonment growing up, with that last bit underscored by a flashback to the most horribly deprived Christmas anyone on the planet ever had, ever , and now I'm far too depressed to muster the strength to order you all to shut up for the...
... Slashy, Slashy NOW! , so feel free to continue to talk amongst yourselves while Raoul and I have a moment. "[ Sob! ]" There. It passed. So, shortly after the Slashy NOW! begins its advance into the blackness, the camera cross-fades to an in-their-faces pan across an entire cafeteria table's worth of jocks and cheerleaders as the bleached blonde Queen Bee amongst them carefully enunciates, all lip gloss and teeth, "She is such a slut! " And this is a bad thing... why , exactly? Oh, right, I forgot: It's high school. Never mind. The pretty-boy jock seated at Queen Bizznatch's side waxes oh, so eloquently about his fondness for those self-confident enough to own, fully, their sexual identities and expressions -- or not -- before wondering what the hell gives. "She totally banged Jamie Chaffee, that's what!" QB gossips. "She gave him the reverse cowgirl and everything!" QB continues, and she looks so smug and pleased with herself that I find myself hoping some Hell-sent beastie barges into the frame to beat her to death with a claw hammer. "VIOLENCE!" You gotta wait for it, Raoul, 'cause it's not gonna happen in this scene. "Rats!" Yep, unfortunately, all that follows involves the gossip's target -- a somewhat alarmingly sinewy brunette named Taylor -- arriving from the lunch line to assume her usual place at the table, only to find it taken by one of Queen Bizznatch's many minions. "That's my spot!" Taylor protests. "Sorry," the head cheerleader sing-songs, "this is a skeeve-free zone!" And then, as if that weren't bad enough, the pretty-boy dickbag at the head cheerleader's left starts in with a Slut Cough that's quickly picked up by the other bitches and choads at the table, and Taylor chooses to flee the humiliation rather than hurling her plate of rigatoni into the asshole jock's face before cracking open Queen Bizznatch's fucking skull with her goddamned tray. Kids these days are wimps. The girls I went to high school with would have sliced each other's eyes open with nail files over crap like this.
Anyway, Taylor scurries with her tail between her legs right on over to one of the less-popular tables in the lunch room, where the somewhat plump girl who'd been sitting there this entire time attempts to offer Taylor a little sympathy. "You shouldn't listen to those jerks," she opens, but Taylor's having none of it, and immediately snaps back, "Leave me alone!" "I just mean," the somewhat plump girl gamely tries again, "I'm sorry, that's all." "Don't you feel sorry for me ," Taylor seethes, "you fat, ugly pig! " and now Little Miss Taylor, here, can just drop fucking dead, as well. The somewhat plump girl -- "April," as we learn later -- jumps a little at Taylor's open loathing, almost as if she's just been slapped in the teeth, and leaps to her feet to flee the lunch room before anyone catches her crying. This, in turn, draws the attention of two girls at an adjacent table, who shoot Taylor and the retreating April A Look before huddling their heads together to bitch between themselves over everything that's going on around them, and I have to admit: The first time I saw this episode, I was fully prepared to have tonight's black foe take the form of yet another demonic virus , mainly because of the skillful way this sequence was executed, what with the foul pestilence of rampant and entirely unnecessary bitchery leaping from person to person and table to table across the last minute and a half, but it turns out I was completely wrong about that, so, uh. Yeah. Forget everything I just said. "I will!" I've no doubt whatsoever about that, you dizzy little lizard -- far too often are the times you've forgotten your own name . "Well! Of all the gall! Of course I've occasionally forgotten my own n....!"
And while Raoul prattles on about himself for a little while longer, let's join the camera as it fades away from Taylor's bitch-tastic snarl to jump ahead a little bit in time, where it finds Taylor late the next evening, hiding in the ladies' and weeping openly at her reflection in the mirror, so I'm guessing everyone at school's heard and believed Queen Bizznatch's story about Taylor's supposed trip to the rodeo, yes? If so, it sucks to be Taylor right about now. In any event, just as another tear falls from her cheek, Taylor senses something strange behind her and spins around to find...a rather docile-looking April, staring her straight in the eye! DUN! "You think I'm ugly?" April mildly challenges. Taylor, thrown, and wallowing in her own misery, hems and haws and splutters a bit before apologizing, "I'm sorry about yesterday -- I didn't mean it, okay?" Placid April appears to nod a bit at this so Taylor can twirl back around to fidget uncomfortably with her hair in the mirror's reflection, and that's a very bad move on Taylor's part, indeed, because it allows secretly murderous April the opportunity to yank on Taylor's layered locks and ram her face straight into the glass! "VIOLENCE!" shrieks Raoul, having of course forgotten his self-serving monologue now that this episode's action's finally kicked in. We get a brief, through-the-glass shot of Taylor's forehead shattering the mirror before April hauls her antagonist's head back up in the air and slams it, jaw-first, onto the sink's porcelain where -- with a meaty THUNK! -- Taylor's mouth relieves itself of one of its teeth, along with a deep-red spurt of blood. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! " Raoul bellows, writhing about upon his overstuffed armchair with glee, and oh, honey. It only gets better. " EEEEEEEEEEEEE! " For yes, after April's so successfully dislodged one of Taylor's canines, she next flings Taylor bodily to the tile and proceeds to drag her by the hair over to one of the toilets , where April forces the continually screaming Taylor's face into the bowl. "I'm. NOT. UGLY! " April howls, jamming Taylor's head into the water again and again and again before pushing it under one last time and flushing. In an unexpected -- and unexpectedly creepy -- bottom-of-the-bowl shot, strands of Taylor's hair along with a thin trail of blood get pulled towards the camera lens before Taylor starts inhaling water, and eventually, her struggling ceases. April hauls her soaked and now-dead adversary out of the john and unceremoniously dumps the limp corpse onto the floor before straightening up a bit in triumph. And as a thick stream of bitterly black demonic goo wells up in her right eye before traveling down her cheek, April unleashes one terribly final assertion -- " You're ugly!" -- before she vanishes into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!
Flutter, Flutter RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" shrieks Raoul, as is his wont, before collapsing back against the cushions, exhausted by such vigorous vocal effort on his part so early in the episode. "It's true!" Raoul gasps, placing a carefully manicured paw against his heaving chest. "I'm breathless! " Then, shall I continue while you recuperate, or have you anything else to add at this juncture? "Nothing at all!" Excellent.
The shot fades up on a disorienting, extremely low-angle view of an institutional-looking façade before the camera scampers indoors to find April listlessly staring out the window into the mid-afternoon gloom. "I'm not talking about it anymore," she flatly states. "I already told the cops and the doctors, and no one believes me -- they think I'm crazy." "Well, I'm a little bit more open-minded than most," Darling Sammy gently replies, and the camera cuts around to a pan from across the room that reveals him seated across from April at a small table in an asylum day room, but that's not important right now, because Darling Sammy's apparently masquerading as an orderly again, and good goddamn if Jared Padalecki can't work a pair of white scrubs. "I'll say!" Raoul agrees, having recovered somewhat from his earlier exertions. "Woof!" I'm telling Chief . "Who?!" Exactly my point. In any event, Darling Sammy asks why April told the authorities she'd been possessed when she gave Taylor that Ultimate Swirlie, and April offers the explanation we've heard many, many times on this show with regard to that particular demonic affliction: "I was there in my head, but I couldn't control my body." The remainder of the interview's short and unproductive -- no, April didn't smell "rotting eggs" in the bathroom, nor did she spot any black smoke, and is Sam nuts? -- so Sam hustles on out of there to join Dean down in the Impala, which is totally, completely inconspicuously parked right in front of the asylum's main entrance . Oh, Dean . By the way, I should note we've seen this building at least twice before, first in (appropriately enough) " ," and then again in a later episode whose details escape me at the moment, and I should further note it's not the only time this evening they revisit previous locations. However, I have no idea if it's intentional, given the episode's subject matter, or if they've just run out of places to film in Vancouver after three and a half years. Whatever. I should also note that I skipped the location card a couple of scenes ago, and we're actually in "Fairfax, Indiana," this evening, which doesn't exist. The town, I mean. Oh, again: Whatever. Is everyone all caught up now? "We are!" Then let's continue, shall we? "Yes! Let's!"
So, Sam slides into the Impala's passenger seat to fill Dean in on recent events, and while the current case certainly exhibits a few hallmarks of traditional demonic possession, Dean's not entirely convinced. He further opines that sometimes, "kids can be vicious" entirely of their own accord, because Dean's forgotten the title of his own damn show again. Sigh . Sam suggests they check out the scene of the crime, anyway, since they're already in town, and Dean calls him on this, because Our Intrepid Heroes attended classes in Fairfax's high school for all of a month over ten years ago, and there was apparently some unfilmed scene between the two right after they learned of Taylor's murder in which Sam got really insistent about returning to Truman High for whatever mysterious reason and Dean resisted the entirely ridiculous idea but Sam got all weirdly whiny and passive-aggressive about the whole goddamned thing so Dean finally gave in even though Lilith's already broken 34 of the 66 seals needed to free Lucifer from Hell, and now here we are. Or something like that. The point is, the scene hints that their presence in Fairfax is primarily Darling Sammy's doing, but we never get a clear reason why during the episode, so I guess you can forget about all of that unless The Kripkeeper manages to tie everything together at the end of the season, as he has -- occasionally -- in the past. ANY-way, Dean finally agrees to visit the school, and wonders if the LYING LIARS WHO LIE will be posing as "Swedish exchange students" for this part of the evening's hijinks. Sam, his eyes twinkling mischievously, assures Dean he has a better idea, so Dean keys the ignition, and Metallicar grumbles off straight into...
...a late-90's flashback! As the opening guitar riffs of Foreigner's "Long, Long Way From Home" drill into the soundtrack, a 1997-era Impala with 1997-vintage plates (Kansas, "BQN 9R3," for those of you playing along at home) cruises in slow-motion towards the camera before stopping just long enough to expel Teen Dean and Wee Sam, who are arriving at Truman High for the first of what promises to be only a couple of days of school, as their worthless bastard of a so-called father -- never seen, though supposedly driving the Impala during this sequence, by the way -- intends to abandon them in Indiana for a week or so while he heads off on a solo hunt. God, John sucks. "Thanks, Dad!" lanky Teen Dean calls out cheerfully enough as he and Wee Sam start across the parking lot, for Teen Dean has yet to understand how much he truly hates his father. Teen Dean, by the way, is being played by Brock Kelly , who's done little more than soap operas and The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody in the past, but we'll not hold that against him, because he does a better job with Past Dean tonight than Ridge Canipe managed across two episodes, and besides, he's kind of hot. And while we're taking care of casting issues, you should know they managed to snag last Christmas's Wee Sam for this evening's presentation, and, as I believe I noted more than a year ago, because Colin Ford's got Jared Padalecki's bitchface down , I have no problems with that, either. So. In any event, after Teen Dean conscientiously assures himself that Wee Sam's fully prepared for the day with lunch, books, and a butterfly knife carefully stowed away in Wee Sam's massively oversized backpack, the two pause at the school's main entrance to barf up about a square yard's worth of exposition. Long story short, it's only November, but this is the third school they've attended in the last couple of months already, and Wee Sam's "sick of always being the new kid." Teen Dean attempts with the pep talk, but Wee Sam's having none of it and, with his wee little bitchface firmly in place, stomps off to class just as the first bell rings. Teen Dean -- worried because, as you'll recall from the THEN!, his main task in life is to keep Sam secure -- frets a bit over failing at his primary objective, but soon follows Wee Sam indoors.
"Ladies and gentlemen," a teacher announces from the front of his class, "please say hello to Sam Winchester." "Hi, Sam," comes the desultory chorus, just as...
...Teen Dean's being similarly introduced to his colleagues in twelfth-grade history. This time around, however, no one bothers with the greetings at all, because they're seniors, man, and therefore too old for that kinda crap. Heh.
The subsequent bits parallel each other, cutting back and forth between Teen Dean and Wee Sam both declining to introduce themselves further, followed by both boys taking their seats. Wee Sam's butterfly knife, unfortunately, drops from his backpack, and before he can shove it back in, his bespectacled nerd of a neighbor sees it and goes, "Whoa -- is that yours? Awesome ." Meanwhile, Dean similarly impresses a nearby blonde with his insouciant air and devil-may-care attitude, or something like that. We eventually settle in with Wee Sam for freshman English, and as "Mr. Wyatt" begins lecturing about their essay assignments that week -- they're to write about their "most memorable family experience," of course -- the bespectacled nerd introduces himself as "Barry," and as the two settle into a somewhat uncomfortable-albeit-affable new acquaintance, the lard-ass bully behind Barry starts flicking the poor kid's rather prominent ears repeatedly. "Leave him alone," Wee Sam wee bitchfaces. Lard-Ass snottily wonders if "midget" Wee Sam would like to take Poor Barry's place. "Yeah," Wee Sam shoots back, nodding his head with a steely, just-try-to-fuck-with-me resolve. "Sure." Lard-Ass goggles because no one's ever stood up to him before, or something, and the camera pulls in on Wee Sam's determined expression before cross-fading over to...
...Adult Sam's inquisitive one as the LYING LIAR WHO LIES -- now masquerading as the school janitor -- eases his cart past Mr. Wyatt's door just as the evidently dedicated teacher dismisses one of his classes, and...
...oh, Jesus. Here we go. Over in the gym, a harsh whistle sounds just as the camera pans from a net of balls over to Adult Dean's deliberately pacing feet before slowly climbing his body, and as they released this sequence as a teaser two months ago before featuring it heavily in the episode's promos, I'm not sure how detailed I need to get with regard to his outfit, which happens to be a Phys Ed polyester concoction in shades of Truman's school colors, red and white. For yes, this LYING LIAR WHO LIES somehow snagged a cover as a substitute gym teacher, and from beneath his ludicrous headband, he now terrorizes the ninth-graders in his care with the following: "Today, you will have the honor of playing one of the greatest games ever invented -- a game of skill, agility, and cunning! A game with one simple rule: Dodge !" With that, he nails the scrawn at the end of the line right in the gut with a ball, and as the kid doubles over in agony, Dean never drops character to bark out a gruff, "Sorry!" before carrying on. One of the children -- a saggy-looking overprotected wimp, natch -- objects, so Dean sends him off on a round of laps before telling the others to go nuts, and it's very fortunate indeed that Janitor Sam arrives at this moment with news of his investigation, because while this scene might have been mildly amusing the first time around, all humor drains out of it upon the first rewatch, so let's keep this moving, shall we? "We shall!" Why, Raoul! You've been so quiet, I almost forgot you were there. "Well, I am sorry , I'm sure , but high school bores me to tears! Given my decidedly -- how shall I say this?! -- elevated upbringing, what with the tutors and the trips abroad with Mama, I simply can't relate!" Raoul, you grew up in Passaic, for Christ's sake. What's the real reason? "Well! I can assure you I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about with that... that Pasaya-whatever nonsense , but if I must endure a high-school setting in my entertainments, then they'd best involve shirtless teenaged basketball players getting ripped through the roof of a bus , and that's all I'm inclined to offer about that! " Whatever you say, Raoul. " HMPH! "
Oy. So, while Raoul's having another of his snits, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: Janitor Sam arrives -- and no one should ever look that good in institutional green, by the way -- with the depressing news that his search turned up no sulphur anywhere on the school grounds, so they might not be dealing with a demon after all. Dean suggests they hit the road, then, but only after lunch. "It's Sloppy Joe day!" he grins. Sam bitchfaces. Hee.
Over in Home Ec -- while the teacher drones on about the importance of keeping the Cuisinarts covered during operation, heh -- that pretty-boy jock from the top of the hour's bullying yet another nerd into letting him copy the nerd's Algebra homework, but the nerd remains oddly affectless throughout until something inside of him shifts, and he slowly raises his quietly menacing eyes to call the sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole a "stupid brain-dead dick." Brain-Dead Dick takes offense, as so often they do, and threatens to shove his fist down the nerd's throat just as The Nerd calmly throws the switch on a food processor, and this isn't going to end well, now is it? "It most certainly isn't!" Raoul agrees, leaning forward in anticipation upon his overstuffed armchair now that the episode's recaptured his attention. "That fist?" The Nerd inquires, indicating one of the two Brain-Dead Dick's now curled atop the counter. "Yeah!" Brain-Dead Dick sneers. The Nerd allows a twisted, insane smile to play out across his lips for a moment before reaching across the counter and... " GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! " howls Raoul, once again writhing about in paroxysms of glee, for The Nerd's shoved Brain-Dead Dick's entire hand into the Cuisinart! As the blades chew through his sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole fingers, gouts of his blood erupt upwards to paint his face crimson, and despite his superior strength, he can't pull away, and it's only when The Nerd makes a conscious decision to free him that Brain-Dead Dick might be rushed into the hallway, wailing and screaming in his teacher's arms. In a cleansing burst of synchronicity, Darling Sammy happens to be passing by at the moment, and races into the room in time to watch The Nerd's eyes roll back in his head as the kid slumps over to the floor, unconscious, with his entire right arm coated in Dick's slime. "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" Sam hustles over to the kid and shakes him awake just as... bitterly black demonic goo spills from The Nerd's ear! DUN! Also: METAL TEETH CHOMP!, which arrives simultaneously with the DUN! to drag Sam and The Nerd into the commercial break! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Be careful, Raoul. You don't want to overdo it again. " EEEEEEEEEEEEE! " Oh, Jesus.
Back from the break, Sam's slyly passing his trusty EMF reader across a row of lockers, but alas, there are no satisfying VWEEE- YORP! s to be had. Dean emerges from the administrative offices with an update on The Nerd, but we'll skip over that in favor of noting they're both looking unreasonably hot in the costumes they've chosen for their little masquerade this evening. Erm. Well, that, and the fact that the black "ectoplasm" streaming from The Nerd's ear indicates the presence of one very pissed-off ghost, and if I'd remembered anything at all about " No Exit " prior to this point, I would have known a ghost was responsible since the teaser. But no matter, for as I believe I've noted, Our Intrepid Heroes are bangin' at this particular juncture in the evening's festivities, so I'll just watch them for a while as they amble down the hall, and try not to stare at their crotches. Ooops. Did I just type that out loud? "You did indeed!" Damn. "Hee!"
Ahem. So, anyway. Yeah. Plot. I'll focus on the plot. Dean's already initiated the search for violent deaths in and around the school, and after rifling through private files in the principal's office -- during which he discovered exactly which three cheerleaders are legal, and good for him -- Intrepid El Deano's arrived at a suspect: An on-campus suicide back in 1998. The kid's name? "Barry Cook," which Sam instantly recognizes, because it's the same Barry he knew back in the day, and crap. This episode just became as fantastically depressing as the last two were. Sigh . Turns out Barry slashed his wrists in the same bathroom April used for Taylor's Ultimate Swirlie, and Dean wonders if possessing nerds to slaughter bullies sounds like Barry's M.O. The camera spins slowly in orbit around Darling Sammy's tremendous and tremendously sad head as Sam replies, "Barry had a hard time," and before you know it, we've hit...
...a continuity error! Well, we've also hit a flashback, but the continuity error's the first thing I noticed about the establishing shot of various long-ago Truman Bombers passing through the hall beneath a large banner congratulating that year's seniors. See, they'd previously established the flashbacks take place in November 1997, but the banner's congratulating the class of 1997, which... no. Just no. Shame, too, because the production staff's done a terrific job with all of the background signage and logos up to this point -- even going so far as to silk-screen the school's Fat Man and Little Boy double-mascot onto the various team jackets we've seen through the evening. Kidding! Kidding. The mascot's actually a jet fighter, but seriously: The Truman Bombers? This show is so sick and wrong sometimes, and I love it. In any event, after the continuity error passes, we watch as some sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole knocks Barry's books out of his hands, and knowing how the poor kid ends up makes all of this unbearable, so I'm going to be skimming through it for the major plot points. Of course, Wee Sam immediately kneels to help Poor Doomed Barry retrieve his things, and we learn that Poor Doomed Barry wants to go to Michigan State because of its superior veterinary medicine program, and I can't... I just... I think I have something in my eye. Damn you, Supernatural !
Meanwhile, over in a supply closet, Teen Dean's making time with that easily impressed blonde from a thousand scenes ago, and he eventually -- after they've finally come up for air -- invites her to go see I Spit On Your Grave at the local theater's Midnight Madness. Charming. Unfortunately, Blondie has an 11 o'clock curfew. Fortunately, Teen Dean notes, she can just blow it off -- after all, he doesn't have a curfew himself, so what's the big deal? This leads them into a discussion regarding their respective parental units' variant child-rearing techniques, and it soon emerges that Sucky John's left Teen Dean and Wee Sam at a nearby motel to fend for themselves for two weeks. Needless to say, sheltered Blondie finds this all more than a little off-putting, despite the soothing presence of the Magic Fingers over at The Pines, but she starts swapping spit with him again anyway, because she might be sheltered, but she's not stupid. Woof.
The two emerge from the supply closet just as Wee Sam and Poor Doomed Barry pass by, and quite fortunately, Poor Doomed Barry finally gives Blondie a name: "Amanda Heckerling," which should remind you all of that certain famous lady who gave us both Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Clueless . Okay, and all of those shitty Look Who's Talking movies, but we'll give her a pass on those for now. In any event, Lard-Ass barges in to ruin everything, and as Poor Doomed Barry skitters off in search of an authority figure, Lard-Ass gets all up in Wee Sam's grille and starts pushing him around, eventually clocking the little kid with a right hook that sends Wee Sam sprawling across the linoleum. Fortunately, Poor Doomed Barry shows up with Mr. Wyatt at this moment, and the teacher puts a stop to it all before Wee Little Sammy gets really hurt. The camera lingers on Wee Sam's furious expression for a moment or so before cutting forward to...
...Adult Sam's sad one as he sprinkles salt across Poor Dead Barry's desecrated grave, and as a sign of how abysmally depressing this episode has become, I can't even enjoy the first honest-to-goodness grave desecration I've seen in years because of all the goddamned Angst. Thanks for nothing, Supernatural !
Later, Barry's bones having been burned, the Impala grumbles through the rain-streaked night as the boys ride silently side-by-side in the front seat. "You all right?" Dean eventually asks. "Barry was my friend," Sam quietly replies in what might be a callback to last week's penultimate scene, "and I just burned his bones." "He's at peace now," Dean offers, but Sam's not having it. "I mean, if [Our Worthless Bastard Of A So-Called Father] had just let us stay a little while longer," he sighs, "maybe I could have helped the kid." In an effort to let Sam off the hook, Dean details the coroner's report he stole from the principals office, which listed all of the antidepressants and antianxiety pills the poor kid was on along with noting Poor Dead Barry came from A Broken Home, and he concludes, "It was tragic, but it's not your fault." "To tell you the truth," Dean continues, "I'm glad we got out of that town. I hated that school." "Wasn't all bad," Sam shrugs. Dean scoffs. "How can you say that after what happened to you?" And what, exactly, happened to Wee Sam? " I don't care! " shrieks Raoul. "This is boring! Where is the VIOLENCE?! Whither the GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!? Where are the shirtless basketball players getting ripped through the roof of a bus?! " All in good time, my scaly friend. All in good time. "Hmph!"
Now, where was I? Oh, yes: FLASHBACK! "That kid's dead! " seethes Teen Dean, referring of course to Lard-Ass. "I'm gonna rip his lungs out!" he continues to rage manfully, even as Wee Little Sammy tells him to knock it off. "It's not a big deal!" Wee Sam insists. Teen Dean disputes this, and wonders why in the hell Wee Sam didn't tear Lard-Ass apart. "Because the child's as miserable with the hand-to-hand combat as the adult?!" Raoul guesses, trying to be helpful, and while I'm happy you've taken something of an interest in Wee Sam's plight, my impressively fanged companion, I'm afraid that is not the case. "Oh, poop! " Nope, Wee Sam's apparently skilled in the martial arts, or whatever, and chose not to knee Lard-Ass's nuts to the roof of his mouth because Wee Sam doesn't "want to be the freak for once." "I want to be normal," he clarifies, and oh, boy. Do I need to go there? With what I know of his life from this point forward, do I need to go there with Wee Sam? "You do not!" Then I won't. Thanks, Raoul. "Anytime!" So, Wee Sam changes the subject, wondering when their worthless bastard of a so-called father's going to pick them up, already. Teen Dean's forced to admit Sucky John called earlier to say it'd be another week at least, and the two commiserate over the depressing news for a moment before Wee Sam reminds Teen Dean that the latter at least has that hot blonde chick to hang out with. "Doooood," Teen Dean doods. "She wants me to meet her parents." "I don't do parents," he reminds us, and while I think I remember a story about him doing an actual parent either in tandem with said parent's daughter or one right after the other, I'm too lazy to confirm it, so: Next!
Freshman English. Mr. Wyatt calls Wee Sam aside for a conference after class, and after Poor Doomed Barry hesitates heading into the hallway on his own and heartbreakingly stammers that he'll wait for his hero Wee Sam just outside the door, Wee Sam immediately apologizes for the earlier altercation with Lard-Ass, but that's not what Mr. Wyatt wants to discuss. Rather, he'd like to talk about Sam's essay. The topic, you'll remember, was "My Most Memorable Family Experience," and Wee Sam chose to turn in a paper detailing last summer's successful werewolf hunt. Ooops. Long story short, Mr. Wyatt's not angry with Wee Sam for handing in a piece of fiction for a non-fiction assignment -- he's impressed, rather, with Wee Sam's writing skills, so he's giving Wee Sam an A, and by the way, has Wee Sam ever thought about pursuing writing as a career? Sadly, Wee Sam has not, for he long ago resigned himself to following his father and older brother into "the family business." "Do you want to go into the family business?" Mr. Wyatt wonders. Wee Sam surprises himself by realizing that not only has no one ever asked him that question before, but also that the answer's no. "More than anything, no," as a matter of fact. And so, Mr. Wyatt's actually The One. As in, The One Inspiring Teacher Who Saw Potential In A Grubby Little Latchkey Kid And So Set That Grubby Little Latchkey Kid On The Shining Path To Stanford, Where A Demon With A Decades-Long Grudge Against Generations Of That Kid's Family Nailed That Kid's Entirely Innocent Girlfriend To The Ceiling With A Foot-Wide Gash Through Her Torso Right Before Blowing Her Up Just So That Kid Could One Day Lead The Armies Of Hell During The Final Battle Between Good And Evil, so naturally Adult Sam has fonder memories of Fairfax and dear old Truman High than Adult Dean does. And with that, we head into the next commercial break most contemplatively and woefully CHOMP!-less.
Back from the break, Dean grumps, "We came back here so you could talk to your teacher?" The Impala's parked in front of dear old Truman High, and yes, Dean, that is exactly what Sam intends to do. Dean's all, "Whatever," and allows Sam to go have his "O Captain! My Captain!" moment, just as long as Darling Sammy makes it quick. Indoors, Sam trudges once more through the depressing halls and straight into a...
...FLASHBACK! Well, flashblip, actually, for Wee Sam barely has time to run his hand through his unruly mop before we...
...flashforward to Adult Sam doing the same, and what the hell was the point of that? "Don't ask me! I'm sleeping! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" While Raoul takes a little disco nap, Sam heads over to Mr. Wyatt's classroom, but just as he's about to turn the knob, a short Asian girl asks him for directions to Room 305. Sam complies, and finishes with a grin... that the short Asian girl snidely mimics before creepily thanking him by name and puncturing his heretofore remarkably healthy chest with a compass! "DEATH!" roars Raoul, snapping awake at the sound of Darling Sammy in pain. "DEATH TO SHE WHO WOULD HARM THE CHEST!" "You got tall, Winchester," the imaginary Asian girl on the television set smiles, completely ignoring the imaginary gay dragon on the Internet. And with that, she nails him in the crotch with her boot! "DEATH!" roars Raoul again, positively apoplectic with dismay. "DEATH TO SHE WHO WOULD HARM THE-- oh, my! I'm blushing at the mere thought of uttering that word aloud! I simply can't continue!" But you still want her dead, right? "Absolutely! DEATH! " And because Adult Sam still -- still -- suh- huuuuuuucks at the hand-to-hand, he goes down like a ton of bricks when the tiny little Asian girl (seriously, she's an actual foot and a half shorter than he is) slams him against the lockers, and so Sam's forced to think fast through excruciating pain, even as that bitterly black ectoplasmic goo begins dripping from the girl's mouth. As she advances upon him to finish the job, Sam manages to spill a palmful of salt into his hand from a container he'd hidden in his jacket, and with the last of his strength, he lunges towards her to clap that salty hand over her mouth. The girl shudders and shakes and collapses, unconscious, into Sam's arms, expelling in the process an inky black shape that shoots out of her back and up through the ceiling. Sam whips his head around to ensure there were no witnesses before the shot cuts over to...
...the second of tonight's recognizably reused locations, this the trestle bridge from the end of the first season. Again, don't know if it's intentional, but there you go. In any event, Sam tends to his many, many wounds while Dean, in a callback to his Teen Self, vows to rip the ghost's lungs out. And as they puzzle through recent events, Dean goes back to the files he swiped from the principal's office, and discovers something he'd somehow overlooked earlier: "Martha Dumptruck," "Revenge Of The Nerds," and now "Hello Kitty" all rode the same bus to school. DUN! They quickly realize the bus itself must be haunted, so we're off to...
...the bus garage, where Darling Sammy's trusty EMF reader's finally emitting those satisfying VWEEE- YORP! s he'd been looking for earlier. Of course, because it's a school bus, there's no corpse waiting to be desecrated, so Dean flips through the glove compartment in search of further clues, and he finds one: The very recent license for the driver, Dirk McGregor, who took over the route just before the spectral possessions began. And in another cleansing burst of synchronicity, Darling Sammy just happened to know the guy's son eleven years ago. "You know everybody at this school?" Dean snorts, disbelieving, and Dean, honey, I am right there with you .
Well, except for the part where I get flung into the next FLASHBACK! Yep, we're back in 1997, where Lard-Ass is kicking Poor Doomed Barry straight towards his early grave out in the parking lot, and wouldn't you know it? Lard-Ass is actually Dirk McGregor, Jr., and when Wee Sam comes to Poor Doomed Barry's rescue, Dirk shoves the tiny Winchester to the wet, dirty pavement. This insult finally -- finally -- pushes Wee Sam over the edge, and he responds by kicking Dirk's ass . "VIOLENCE!" Alas, Raoul, this is violence of a more pedestrian sort than the kind you enjoy seeing. "I'll take anything I can get at this point! Happily , even!" Well, then. Consider myself corrected. "I will!" In any event, because Wee Sam's apparently just learned everything Adult Sam long ago forgot about hand-to-hand combat, Dirk's quickly winds up on his back in the mud, and Wee Sam, triumphant, stands astride his vanquished foe to taunt, "You're not tough -- you're just a jerk!" "Dirk The Jerk!" Wee Sam realizes with relish, and the nasty nickname's soon picked up by those who'd gathered to watch the beat-down, and the entire crowd chants it repeatedly while Dirk beats a hasty and humiliated retreat.
And because this episode is more depressing than eight straight years of a Republican administration -- hell, because this episode is more depressing than the second goddamned recession that single Republican administration unleashed upon the land through its wretched mishandling of the country's affairs over the course of this decade -- Dirk of course ends up being, in retrospect, as horribly mistreated and downtrodden as his victims, as we learn when Our Intrepid Heroes pay a visit to the forlorn Mr. McGregor, who still mourns, every day, his only child's untimely death by overdose at the age of 18. Tim Henry , playing the father, does such a crushingly good job with this scene that I'm going to skip through for the major plot points, because I don't think I can bear watching it repeatedly to extract the relevant dialogue. So, long story short, Dirk grew up poor and was picked on for that fact all of his life, and then things got immeasurably worse for him when his mother contracted cancer. Because his father was holding down three jobs just to scrape by, it fell to Dirk to care for her during her last, lingering confinement, and between that and the relentless bullying he received at school, he started lashing out at those weaker than he was, until the ultimate humiliation arrived in the form of a nasty nickname -- "Dirk The Jerk" -- that followed him through the end of his very short life. Upon hearing that bit of the story, Darling Sammy looks as downright suicidal as I'm feeling. Stupid show. Be more mindlessly entertaining! Be more mindlessly entertaining! "I agree!" Thanks, Raoul.
In any event, Dean next awkwardly -- inhumanely, even -- extracts the facts regarding the disposition of Dirk Junior's remains: His father had them cremated, but he saved a lock of his son's hair, which he carries with him every day on the bus in his bible.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, Papa McGregor apparently left that bible on the bus, which is now trundling through the damp night with a load of sexist beer-guzzling jock assholes and their coach, who thanks the substitute driver, Eddie, for picking up the shift on such short notice. "My pleasure, coach," Eddie carefully replies, his face partially obscured from the coach's direct line of sight, and just as the camera reverses to take in Eddie's secretively murderous smile, a thick trail of bitterly black ectoplasmic goo trickles from his right nostril to dribble into a most unappreciative METAL TEETH CHOMP!
Back on the bus, Evil Eddie puts the pedal to the metal and speeds across a strip of spikes -- no, I don't know, so don't ask -- that pop every single tire, and the bus careens off the road with half of it tipped into a ditch. Evil Eddie then steps slowly down onto the asphalt to, I don't know, seal all of the sexist beer-guzzling jock assholes in and set fire to everything, when really, he should just wait for that thing Raoul's so excited about to swoop down and rip them all through the roof. "You remembered!" Of course, friend of friends. I haven't the same memory issues you do. Yet. "I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, but thanks very much, I'm sure!" Anyway, Sam and Dean arrive just in time to wrap Evil Eddie in some salt-soaked rope so Dean can rifle the glove compartment once again for Papa McGregor's bible, which he finds, but which is missing the lock of hair. Dirk-Infested Eddie sneers that they'll never find it, and after a lengthy and tedious pair of lectures from Dirk-Infested Eddie and Darling Sammy regarding the deleterious nature of high-school cliques upon one's self-esteem that I'll not be transcribing, thank you very much, Dirk-Infested Eddie manages to break through the salt-soaked rope, so Darling Sammy's forced to shoot him in the chest with rock salt. Twice. "VIOLENCE! UNREPENTANT ACTS OF WANTON VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! "
While Raoul writhes about upon his overstuffed armchair with glee, Dirk's bitterly black spirit leaps from the injured driver into one of the sexist beer-guzzling jock assholes, who flies from the bus to tackle Sam to the ground, where he proceeds to knock the snot out of He Who Sucks At The Hand-To-Hand. Dean blasts another couple of rock-salt rounds into the sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole's back, but Spectral Dirk's evidently so enraged at this point, the shotgun shells have no effect upon the possession, and the sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole continues to wale on Sam's face while Dean frantically rips through the glove compartment again for a moment before realizing Spectral Dirk likely hid the lock somewhere upon Eddie's body. And after scrambling through the old guy's pocket's, Dean finally thinks to search Eddie's footwear, and the lock of hair lashing Spectral Dirk to the physical world finally goes up in flames shortly after Dean shakes it out of Eddie's left boot. The possessed sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole rears his head backwards to expel Spectral Dirk from his mouth, the ghost billowing up towards the camera for a moment before erupting into flames and vanishing for good, and the now unconscious sexist beer-guzzling jock asshole flops forward to smother Darling Sammy against the blacktop. "He's givin' you the full cowgirl!" a spent Dean manages to chuckle, right before he, Sam, Eddie, the school bus, and all the sexist beer-guzzling jock assholes attached to this scene collapse into the final METAL TEETH CHOMP!
FLASHBACK! It's time for 1997's denouement, and wow, this was a hell of a lot sadder the second time around. Amanda busts Teen Dean inhaling another girl's face in the supply closet, and he trails after her with a few weak excuses as she storms out into the hallway to give him a piece of her mind right there in front of all of her friends. "I thought maybe underneath your whole I-don't-give-a-crap, bad-boy thing that there was something more going on," she flails in a furious and oh-so-very adolescent manner, "but I was wrong. You spend so much time trying to convince people that you're cool, but it's just an act! " Teen Dean gulps, stung, as Amanda concludes, "We both know you're just a sad , lonely little kid, and I feel sorry for you." "You feel sorry for me?" he spits, his tone echoing Poor Dead Taylor's from the top of the hour. "Don't feel sorry for me! " he continues, now parroting Taylor's actual words as his impotent anger begins to rage. "You don't know anything about me!" By now, Amanda's turned her back on him and flounced off, leaving two of her friends to shake their heads at him slightly in disgust as he starts sounding even more unhinged. "I save lives! I'm a hero! A hero! " At this point, even the friends have had enough, and they, too, turn their backs on him to leave, and as others are staring at him now, Teen Dean's reduced to yelling a meaningless threat -- "What?" -- over and over again to people who no longer care.
Meanwhile, just as Teen Dean's carefully constructed façade comes crashing down around him, Wee Sam's basking in the unexpected adulation of his peers for taking the school's bully down a notch or ten, and though he never actually comes out and says it, you know he finally doesn't feel like a freak for once in his sad, miserable, deprived life.
Further down the hall, Teen Dean shoulders his way through the crowd, looking for all the world like he wishes the earth would open beneath his feet and swallow him up. His cell rings, and with that incoming call comes salvation, for his worthless bastard of a so-called father's finally arrived to take him away from this hateful place.
Out in the parking lot, Sucky John wheels the Impala up to the curb, and Teen Dean gratefully -- well, gratefully for him -- jumps to slide into the passenger seat, but Wee Sam lingers, looking back up at the classroom windows, where he sees Poor Doomed Barry waving sadly at him through the glass. Wee Sam returns the wave, and the camera cuts around to Poor Doomed Barry's view of that kick-ass muscle car taking the only friend he likely ever had away from him, and I... I... I can't take any more of this. Seriously. Can it stop now? Huh? Please? Please? "It already did , you silly little man! Look! We're back in the present! "
Ooops. So we are. Mr. Wyatt grades papers at his desk as Adult Sam eases his remarkably broad-shouldered form through the classroom door. After an initially awkward introduction, Mr. Wyatt somewhat incredibly remembers Sam from his werewolf story, and Sam thanks the teacher for the advice the man gave him all those many years ago. "So, you managed to do your own thing?" Mr. Wyatt asks. "For a while," Sam nods. "I went to college because of you, but, you know," he trails off, unsure how to continue before deciding to keep it simple. "People grow up," he half-shrugs. "Responsibilities." Mr. Wyatt nods, understanding what he can, and there's more awkwardness for a moment before Sam finally gets around to the main purpose of his visit: "You took an interest in me when no one else did. That matters, so thank you." "Well, you know the only thing that really matters," Mr. Wyatt smiles, "is that you're happy." Sam flinches. "You're happy, Sam?" the teacher prompts, a little confused by Sam's reaction. And the camera tracks slowly in on Sam's still-battered face as Sam remains silent, until Our Intrepid Hero's swallowed up by the darkness.
Crap. That was, as I believe I've noted several times throughout the recap, depressing as hell . Even more depressing? The episode's dedicated to the memories of Christopher Lima and Tim Loock, a rigging electrician and online editor, respectively, who passed away recently. And I haven't even mentioned Kim Manners yet. "Best not to mention him until they mention him themselves! " Sage advice, friend of friends. Should I bother with the preview, even? "Go right ahead! I'll have a cocktail ready for you when you're done!" Excellent.
Next week, a sassy, succulent succubus casts a spell on Sam and Dean, and sex and violence soon ensue. Still no word on those 66 seals, though. That drink ready yet, Raoul? "Of course! See you next week, my pretties! Kisses!"
Demian knows you're doomed to go on repeating your past mistakes over and over again until the day you die. Raoul , however, is appalled at all that negativity, and trusts that with age comes the wisdom and grace to effect effective change! You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.
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