Monster Movie
Updated 2008-10-17 09:55:23
There is no then. There is no now. There's only old time movie magic, so don't furrow your brow. Don't adjust your sets. Don't touch that dial. Let go of your angst. Release that bile. Life was so easy in black and white. Wrong is evil and good is right. Pop your corn. Fill your drink. Walk to your couch and into it sink. Forget the myth arc. Suspend disbelief. Sit back for an hour of comic relief.
Suspenseful music swells and the old black and white WB crest appears on the screen. It takes me back to watching the Saturday "Creature Double Feature," on one of the local independent channels (one if which is now a CW affiliate). "WARNER BROS. PICTURES INC." is written across it, and I am eight-years-old and hoping my mother is too busy with housework to tell me the upcoming show is too scary for me. "Warner Bros. Presents SUPERNATURAL" appears across a shot of a cloudy and ominous sky. The credits -- which fit right in with the old time monster movie theme -- roll. Night falls, and a crescent moon shines on the mist rising from a wooded valley. Lightning flashes in the distance; a slick black car makes its way down (a beautifully shot) winding, wet road and past a sign reading: "Welcome to Pennsylvania." Lightning strikes again, and the sign reads: "Welcome to Transylvania" for just a second. Inside the car are two men -- their features look impossibly chiseled on black and white film. The driver says, "The radio around here sucks." Dean! Sam! Baby! I nearly forgot I was watching Supernatural . Sam reviews research materials by flashlight, as Dean sets up the story for us. "C'mon man. Jobs don't get much weirder than this, you know? Dead vic with a gnawed on neck, body drained of blood, and a witness who swears up and down that it was a vampire." Sam is distracted. "No, uh, I agree, it's a Hell of a case." Dean tries to spark his enthusiasm. Sam reminds Dean that the world is coming to an end, like that's something you forget. Dean reckons they can't save the world today, but they can chop off some vampires' heads. He's excited for an old-fashioned monster hunt. "It's about time the Winchesters got back to tackling a straight-forward, black and white case." Ouch, and so say we all. The shot fades old-style -- a circle gets smaller and smaller until the screen is completely black.
Daytime: the Winchesters arrive at Oktoberfest. There are tourists, food, band music, pretty waitresses in St. Pauli Girl-style uniforms and our Winchesters. The boys look like movie stars in Hollywood's heyday, in their best (and only) suits and ties, except Sam needs a haircut. Don't they ever pass by a barber shop? They must; Dean's hair is close cropped. He tells Sam they've still got to see the new Raiders movie. Sam's already seen it. Dean is offended. "Without me?" Sam says, "You were in Hell." Dean says, "That's no excuse." I'm sure he went to the film looking for a way to get you out, Deano. Dean rushes off to get them each a big pretzel, and a beautiful blonde woman sashays by, wearing a dirndl with the skirt up to there and the neckline down to there. She says, "Guten tag." The boys can't help but stare, and Dean says, "Guten tag, yourself." They spot the local sheriff who's talking to someone who looks like Eddie Munster at first glance, but we never see him again. They introduce themselves to Sheriff Dietrich as FBI Agents Angus and Young . Someday that nonsense is going to get them caught, but not in our fabulous monster movie!
At the morgue, Dietrich shows them the corpse of Marissa Wright, age 26. The sheriff says this is the last thing the town needs at peak tourist season. Sam sounds just like an old movie cop when he intones that it was the last thing Ms. Wright needed. Dean turns the corpse's head to reveal two fang marks on the right side of her neck. The sheriff says, "This killer's some kind of Grade A wacko, right? He's some Satan-worshipping, Anne Rice-reading, Gothic psycho vampire wannabe." Dear worshippers, Rice readers, psychos, and vampire wannabes, please write to Eric Kripke, care of the CW. Goths, I'll see you on the boards. Dean asks him about his witness. His name's Ed Brewer, and he's not exactly reliable, but he insisted the sheriff include him in the report. The camera shoots from what would be Ms. Wright's point of view, if she were alive and could see, which she isn't and can't -- as the sheriff slides her morgue drawer back in and we fade to black.
At the local bierhaus: we open on an attractive brunette waitress. Not to use too heavy a hand here, but she seems to be the only female brunette of note in the entire episode. Duh duh duh. When Sam and Dean walk in, she goes back to the bar to get some more beers from the bartender, who just happens to be Dean's Guten Tag blonde from earlier. The bartender remembers the boys, and Dean says, "And I remember you..." he looks at her chest, but only to read her nametag, of course, "...Jamie. I never forget a pretty -- everything." Jamie smiles at the compliment, which makes it read cute rather than crude, because people weren't so crude in the old monster films, for which I'll always love them. They say they're looking for Ed Brewer, flash their FBI badges, and explain Brewer was witness to a serious crime, so they need to interview him. Jamie's not buying their cover, so Dean leans in and says, "I'm a maverick," and I run screaming from my parlor, because I've had enough of this election already. Dean doesn't notice; he's too busy trying to pick up Jamie, or whatever. "I'm a rebel with a badge. One thing I don't play by? The rules." He winks at her, and I swear there's a little twink sound-effect. Jamie still has her doubts but is willing to play along. Sam's starting to find the whole exchange embarrassing, because he's so tight he squeaks. "Okay, Maverick." Again, show? Really? He then says to Jamie, "So where can we find Mr. Brewer?"
Ed Brewer sits anxiously drinking from a stein full of beer nearly as tall as he. We get the spiel typical of both Supernatural and the genre. Brewer told the cops everything he saw, nobody believes him, now he's the town joke, why should Sam and Dean be any different. Dean assures him they are. Sam assures him Ms. Wright's murder is important to them and they want to hear everything, regardless of how strange. Dean tells him they're experienced where the strange is concerned, so Brewer spills. He was walking home from the bar, just like always, when he saw a couple in the park. At first he thought they were kissing, but then he noticed the woman struggling, and realized the man was biting her neck. Sam asks him to describe the assailant and Brewer spits out that he was a vampire. Dean tries to get him to clarify, but Brewer keeps giving "a vampire" as the answer to every question, 'til he sounds a bit like Rainman fretting that he's going to miss Judge Wapner. Of course, to the uninitiated like Brewer, "a vampire" means, "Dracula" (somewhere Spike and Angel are crying tears of emo blood), and once Sam and Dean realize this, they discount every word that falls out of Brewer's mouth. They try not to laugh in his face as Brewer tells them about the vampire's accent. Sam fails to hold in his grin as he asks, "The accent? What did he say?" Brewer does his best Transylvanian twang. "Stay avay, mortal. The night is mine," complete with pantomime to indicate he's hiding his face behind his cape. The boys just stare. Brewer asks if they believe him, and...
...We cut to Jamie and the brunette -- Lucy (yeah, you heard me) -- who are discussing Ed. Lucy says something about, "Crazy Ed and his vampire story," but Jamie defends him, saying, "He might be weird, but he's not crazy." Lucy blots her dark lips on a bar napkin, folds it and lays it on the bar. The camera lingers on this action in a way that announces, "THIS WILL BE VERY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT LATER, 'KAY!?!" Lucy says Jamie's just defending Ed because he has a crush on her and tips her in twenties. A customer hails her and she leaves Jamie just in time for Dean to come up and make a move. Okay, he orders a beer, but the boy has to make up for lost time, so he doesn't mind doing two things at once. Jamie teases "Agent Young," about drinking on duty, but Dean says he's, "way off duty." Jensen Ackles rocks this role tonight. He's laying on the charisma every bit as thick as an old romantic lead and it works. Sam joins him, picks up the lipsticked napkin, stares at it distractedly, and lays it back down. The guys confer on the case and decide it must be a Goth psycho vampire wannabe, (y'all know where to write now, right?) and that it isn't their kind of case at all. Dean wants to stay, though. The room is paid for, and it's Oktoberfest. "Come on, brother, beer and bar wenches!" Sam's the straight man in this episode, so he says, "I'm pretty sure women today don't respond well to the whole 'wench' thing." Dean likes nothing better than proving his brother wrong, especially when the subject is women. He hollers to Jamie, "Hey bar wench, where's that beer?" She's taken a shine to our fair-haired boy. "Coming up, good sir." Sam rolls his eyes and shakes his head at Dean. Dean wasn't gone for that long, Sammy. This is hardly shocking.
Jamie delivers Dean's beer, asks what she can get Sam, and Dean tells her Sam doesn't drink -- that he's a Christian Scientist who won't even take aspirin, and that he's a drag on stake-outs. Poor Sam. What's wrong with him, though, is that he doesn't laugh at Dean and place his order? Jamie tells Dean he is funny, and he says he's more than that. Can't you almost hear Sam's thoughts? I suspect he's recalling the Bro-Code , to remind himself he must not thwart his brother's seduction attempts. Dean asks Jamie what time she gets off, and she says, "That's up to you, isn't it, big guy?" Or maybe she laughs at him, tells him again that he's funny, and gets back to work. Sam actually smiles at his brother's chutzpah, and I decide this next bit deserves its own paragraph.
Dean says it's time to right some wrongs, and Sam asks him what he means. "Look at me. I came back from the furnace without any of my old scars, right? No bullet wounds, knife-cuts, or off-angled fingers from all the breaks. I mean my hide is as smooth as a baby's bottom." Apparently he's forgotten about the huge tattoo on his chest and the blistering angel hand print on his shoulder. Dean continues: "Which leads me to conclude, sadly, that my virginity is intact." Sammy laughs and shakes his head. "What?" Dean smiles and sips his beer. "I have been re-hymenated." So now we know Dean skipped biology, and health class to smoke pot. It's a good thing Sam didn't have a drink, or Dean would be wearing the remains of a wonderful spit-take. "Please. Dean, maybe angels can pull you out of Hell, but no one can do that ." Dean's on a roll. "Brotha, I have been re-hymenated." And the dude will not abide . Sam, who looks very pretty in this shot, tells his brother to go do whatever he has to do, while he goes back to the room to get some sleep. Dean approaches Jamie about going out that night, but she's promised Lucy a girls' night out. "And besides, no self-respecting bar-wench lets herself get picked up by a customer on the first try." Dean reminds her he's not a customer; he's a Fed. She says, "Try again tomorrow, G-Man." And Dean does not make any G-spot innuendo. I think Hell was good for him. He says he wishes he could try again, but he thinks they're not going to take the case. When Jamie asks him if it's too weird for him, Dean and the entire audience say it's not weird enough.
A wolf howls, and we see a shot of a full moon lighting the sky, which totally makes me think the episode descriptions were wrong, and that this is going to be a Trickster episode, rather than a shape shifter one, because the moon was only a crescent last night. But no. I'm wrong, and so is that moon. A young couple make out in a parked car. She stops when she hears the wolf's cry. The boy, Rick, brushes off her concerns, because he's too busy trotting out every tired line he can think of to get Anne Marie to have sex with him. A shadow, which undeniably belongs to a werewolf, falls across the back of the parked car, and I find myself cheering on the monster, because Rick is saying stuff like, "Baby, if a man doesn't get the stuff out of his system regularly, it can back up and cause all kinds of medical-type problems." Here puppy puppy. Here puppy puppy. She stops Rick again, and he's really kind of nasty to her. "Anne Marie, there aren't any wolves in Pennsylvania." Finally, our hero, the Wolf Man, shatters the driver's side window and picks himself up a little midnight snack. Hope the sleaze doesn't upset your tummy, Wolfie. Anne Marie screams us into commercial.
Daytime; Oktoberfest: Sam and Dean interview Anne Marie. She's slurping what's got to be a 32-ounce cup of soda. Honey, when Dean's disgusted by how you eat and drink, you need some etiquette classes. She sets down her cup. "And then it just tore Rick into little pieces." They ask her to describe the creature, and matter-of-factly she says, "It was a werewolf." They don't know what to do with this. Usually, the witnesses they interview are still in denial and can't admit what they've seen, but that's no problem around here. Anne Marie is quite sure, but what she describes is nothing like the lycanthropes Sam and Den have met. He's not folding his thongs in front of Sammy, or anything. Instead, he's straight out of an old monster movie. Let's review: Dracula. Werewolf. Let me consult my steel trap of a mind. La la la la la la. The zombies were having fun. La la la la la la la. The guests included Wolf Man, Dracula and his son! Oh, maybe zombies are next. The boys don't know what to do with her description, her casual soda-slurping demeanor, or her, so they thank her for her time and leave her seated at an outdoor table.
At the morgue, they discuss the accounts they've heard so far. Sam finds the appropriate drawer, pulls it out, unzips the body bag, and the boys recoil from the sight and stench. And then Sam, that crazy kid, takes out a pencil and lifts out what looks like tangled audio tape covered in jelly. Thank goodness this episode is in black and white, because it's meant to be mangled guts. The body is torn up with bite marks -- some going clear through the bone. They declare whatever did this was not a psycho-wannabe. It could be a werewolf, but the heart is still there in one piece. I ponder to think how different my job is from the ones held by the other mothers at our local elementary school. I bet none of them are up after midnight, checking canon and nodding along in solemn agreement as pretty boys in black and white declare werewolves never leave the heart. There are a couple of lawyers, though, so maybe... The sheriff comes in and tells them the coroner found fibers of canine origin on the body -- wolf hairs. Dean immediately gets a headache.
At the bierhaus, Sam and Dean eat (yes, Sam too). Dean comments that this case has turned into Dracula Meets Wolf Man . Sam says the werewolf seems real enough, which makes Dracula a little less incredible. The only problem they're having is with the wolf hairs the coroner found -- because it's a myth that werewolves grow wolf hair. It's all a myth to us, boys. Let's get this story moving. Jamie brings them their beers and says they're on her. Dean informs her that the case has gotten weird enough for their "department" so they'll be around for a while, and Jamie tells Dean she gets off at midnight, tonight. Dean nods toward Lucy, and makes sure it's not another girls' night out. While our attention is directed that way, Lucy, who is reading a ScreenIdol magazine, again blots her lipstick, folds the napkin, and leaves it on the bar. Look, a CLUE! Dean makes plans to see Jamie tonight, and Sam actually smiles at his brother's success, after she walks away. Dean makes a little victory face, then says, "Hey, you think this Dracula can turn into a bat? That would be cool." He takes a big swig of his beer and winds up with a foam mustache. I love it when he's 10-years-old. He'd better grow up before tonight though, because I don't think Jamie's got babysitting on her mind.
That night, the fog rolls in, as the sky crackles and booms with another electrical storm. At the Canonsburg Museum of American History, a security guard is killed before our eyes, by a mummy (not a zombie, but they're sort of similar, right?), which rises straight up, old-school, from a sarcophagus that had been left on the loading dock. Dean and Sam gain access to the crime scene and determine that the sarcophagus is decidedly modern, since it came from a Philly prop house -- which is probably where the bucket of dry ice came from, too. Sam says, "Is he making his own special effects?" Dean says it's a mummy with a sense of showmanship. Sam can't make it all compute. "This is...stupid!" Dean remembers he's late for his date with Jamie. Since Sam says he's good there alone with the mummy and the crazy, Dean ditches him.
Outside the bierhaus -- that is The Bavarian Beerhaus (sic) Tavern , Jamie waits for Dean. Growing impatient, she checks her watch and says, "Your loss, G-Man," and starts to walk home. On her way, she hears flapping wings. I didn't think Castiel was in this episode. Oh and he's not. Jamie turns around to see Dracula himself. He says, "Gud eeevening," and she runs off. You can't really run away from Dracula. He catches up, as is his wont, and says, "I have watched you many nights, from afar. My passion knows no bounds." A little rectangle of light lights Drac's eyes brighter than the rest of his face. It's a perfect callback to the style of old horror movies. Jamie fumbles in her purse as Dracula tells her she is the reincarnation of his beloved and he must have her. Jamie douses Drac's eyes with pepper spray, and he drops the accent to exclaim, "Mary...son of a...." Jamie has run off, so he follows. Luckily for Jamie, she runs straight into Dean's arms. Dean turns to see Dracula and says, "Son of a bitch." Dracula chastises him for using such language in the presence of his bride. Dean patronizes him, then he punches him. During their struggle, Drac's fangs come out and he pins Dean to the wall. Dean yells at Jamie to run, so she does, because she's smart. I want to keep her. Dracula tells Dean, "You have no choice in the matter, Mr. Harker . Mina is mine. He moves in to suck Dean's blood, but Dean pulls off Drac's medallion, and then his ear! Friends, Romans, Romanians, lend me your ear. Drac flees from Dean by hopping a fence Dean can't scale, and makes his escape on a Vespa . Once he's off screen, we hear the little "beep beep" of the scooter's horn, that hasn't stopped being funny yet. Fade to black. Wait. Now there's a curtain backdrop on the screen, and the word Intermission is superimposed on it, in fancy script and we're treated to cheesy intermission-type music. The grace notes in this production are abundant. It's a beautiful love letter to the genre.
Sam catches up with Dean and Jamie at the bierhaus and makes sure they're all right. The guys must have talked on the phone during the intermission. Dean tells Sam he thinks he knows what's going on. He takes a bar towel out of his suit coat and tosses it on the table. Poor Sam's finally eating after four years, so he's probably expecting a snack. Of course it contains Drac's ear. And the boy who was digging around in the werewolf's victim's guts, with a pencil, is disgusted. By an ear. Okay. Dean makes him touch it, and asks if it feels familiar to him. Sam says, "Oh man," and Dean exposits that that it's the skin of a shape shifter, just like St. Louis , just like Milwaukee . "Of course this one's all new buckets of crazy." Hey forums, I think you just got a shout out. Dean also pulls out the medallion he ripped of Drac's neck. The ribbon is stamped with, "The FX Shop PROPHOUSE" and Sam gets to use his college education to tell us it's a costume rental. Dean gets to use his street smarts to tell us that all three monsters are the same critter, and that they'd better catch him, "Before he Creature-from-the-black-Lagoons somebody." Jamie says...oh...wait. Jamie. They're just talking shop in front of Jamie like she's a hunter, rather than a civilian. That must be part of the Dean Winchester Bedfellow Bonus Bonanza. Anyhow, she asks if they're like Mulder and Scully and if the X-Files are real. Dean resists the temptation to compare his brother to a girl, and says, "No, The X-Files is a TV show. This is real." Hee.
Sam figures out that the shifter is reenacting scenes from old horror flicks. Jamie and Dean ask him about the names Mina and Mr. Harker , and Sam explains those are characters from Dracula . Mina is Drac's intended bride and Harker is the fiancé that stands in the way. Drac's fixated on Jamie, and so they try to determine if anyone strange has been flitting around her lately. Besides them, of course. Jamie tells them about Ed, and that Lucy swears he has a crush on Jamie. Sam instructs Dean to "Take care of Mina," like there's any doubt that's his plan, while Sam goes to the old movie theater to track down Ed, who is the projectionist there. After he's gone, Jamie and Dean have the whole "So monsters are real" and "What are shape shifters, exactly" and "You're not really FBI" and "This is what you do with your life?" discussion. Dean says, "Some people paint," which tickles me for exactly no reason, and then Jamie exclaims how it must suck to give up their lives for this terrible responsibility. This takes Dean by surprise. He tells as much of the truth as he can, explaining that he had a recent "near death" experience. Jamie sits next to him and he moves in closer to her. He nearly lays his soul bare, talking about how his work has new meaning. He's helping people -- saving people, and it's like a mission -- a mission from God. He's 100% sincere, and yet part of my brain knows that Dean knows women well enough to know what kind of effect this is likely to have on the lovely Jamie. And boy does it. She wastes exactly no time. "And so, does that make you like...some kind of monk, or something?" Dean looks puzzled, so she explains further. "You know -- celibate?" Dean says, "Man I hope not." Thunder rumbles, which would give me pause, but not Dean. He kisses her. Their kiss lasts until someone rudely flicks on the overhead lights. It's Lucy. She's getting a bottle of booze to get her through the night while her girl crush is out with our pretty boy. Jamie asks her to stay and have a drink, and while you think Dean would be all over that, his tone of voice makes it clear he resents the intrusion.
Sam arrives at the Goethe Theatre, where Phantom of the Opera is currently on the marquee. Inside the theater, we see the shadow of someone playing standard issue horror movie music on the organ. Sam is mesmerized by whatever it is he can see that we can't. We see the back of the person -- it's Ed, clearly -- he flips a switch on the organ and it starts playing awful, zippy, jazzy schmaltz. Ed is wearing only a wife-beater and undershorts, which I can't identify as either boxers or briefs, because I don't want to look at him that long. I'm already suffering a case of conjunctivitis and it's too much of a shock to the eyes to go from the pretty Padalecki and Ackles to... that. Sam sneaks up behind him, startles him, and pulls a gun on him. The chair somehow goes flying and Sam pins Ed up against the organ. Stop it. Sam says he knows what Ed did and what he is. Poor Ed doesn't know what's going on. Sam says, "You had time to grow the ear back, huh," and grabs hold and pulls with all his might. Ed hollers in pain. Sam finally stops pulling, and lowers his gun. "It's supposed to come off." Ed takes a firm tone, "No. It's not." Sam makes an oops face, and we cut to...
The bierhaus. Lucy is commiserating with Dean and Jamie over their not so gud eeevening. Jamie, who is suddenly terribly drunk, assures Lucy that she's fine and praises Dean's rescue of her. As Dean (who is not feeling any pain either) demurs, Lucy again blots her lipstick, and leaves the bar napkin under her glass. I THINK THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING. WHATEVER COULD IT BE? Dean notices that Jamie seems to be fading out on him. He tries to talk to her, but Lucy distracts him, asking him if he's a black belt or something. Dean looks at his glass, which is spinning with the classic kaleidoscope effect of yore. While she's talking, Dean realizes what's going on, and hauls off and punches Lucy in the face. He pushes Jamie out of the way so he can get out of the booth, and she passes out on the seat after he's up. He staggers over Lucy, who is flat out on the floor. "It's you, isn't it?" She looks up and her jaw is about 3 inches further to her left than it ought to be. She shoves it back in place, rises and backs away, watching him expectantly. Dean is struggling to remain conscious. He kicks her, demands to know what she put in their drinks, grabs a bottle and breaks it, so he can use it as a weapon. He says, "I'll skin you myself," and falls smack down on his beautiful face. Lucy stands over him, says, "And, scene," and starts to bring her foot down onto his head, when we, like Dean, fade to black.
Now it's time for the Best. Scene. Ever. Are you ready? Can you handle it? You've been waiting for it, especially all you little spoiler hounds. Here it comes. The one, the only (so far, but we can pray for more), the world-renowned Dean Winchester In Lederhosen scene. In a room that looks like Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory, Dean Winchester is strapped to a wooden table that's semi-upright, but the bondage is just a bonus. Our intrepid hero is dressed in lederhosen, which you probably figured out since I already announced this is the Dean Winchester in lederhosen scene, but for the love of rock salt people, Dean Winchester is in lederhosen. He regains consciousness, struggles, looks down at the ties that bind (and the lederhosen, which could bind, I suppose, if not well cut) and says, "Oh, come on!" No, you come on, Dean. We've been waiting for this, so shut your piehole.
Across the room, we see a portrait of Lucy. Drac!Shifter says, "She is beautiful, no? Bride number three from the first film. She never got the acclaim she deserved, which is why I chose her shape -- her form to move among the mortals, unnoticed." Dean's WTF expression here is priceless. Drac!Shifter continues: "That is when I discovered my bride had been reborn in this century." Dean laughs aloud. "I can't get over what a pumpkin pie-eyed crazy son of a bitch you really are." But it's fun to have a crazy monster, Dean. Dean's lost sight of the fun, and starts yelling. "You're not Dracula. You get that, right? Or even if you are Dracula, what the hell's up with the Mummy?" Drac!Shifter doesn't like all this reality based conversation, so he punches Dean. "I am all monsters!" Dean just got out of Hell, buddy. You're going to have to do better than that. Dean says, "Life ain't a movie, you sorry sack of..." he gets punched, again. I wonder if Drac!Shifter is in a Nora Desmond frame of mind as he says, "Life... is small." He goes on to compare messy old life to the simple elegance of the movies, and with a great flourish of his cape, he tells Dean he chose elegance. Dean says, "Do you really think elegance is the word for what you did to Marissa, or Rick Deacon, or any of THE OTHERS?" Drac!Shifter says, "But of course, it is a monster movie, after all." Dean reminds him of what happens at the end of all monster movies, but Drac!Shifter points out that this movie is his. "In it, the monster wins. The monster gets the girl. And the hero? He's... electrocuted." He approaches the giant switch on the wall, ready to light up Dean's life. "And tonight, Jonathan Harker, you will be my hero." Dean tries to stall. The music intensifies; Dean Struggles; the doorbell rings. Drac!Shifter excuses himself to answer it, which would be terribly anticlimactic, if it weren't so surreally funny. He exits the huge stone laboratory to a completely normal looking hallway, in a nondescript house, makes his way to the door, and opens it for...
The pizza delivery guy (PDG). Drac!Shifter says, "Ah, you have brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service and your life will be spared." PDG just rolls his eyes at the latest nutjob customer on his route. He's all whatever, it's $15.50, you loon. Drac!Shifter says, "Tell me, is there garlic on this pizza?" PDG says, "I don't know. Did you order garlic?" and his monotone kills me. Assume I've been laughing throughout this episode. I've tried to spare you from as many interjections of "hee" and "heh" as I could. Drac!Shifter, did not order garlic, so PDG says, "Then no, look mister, I've got four other deliveries to make. You wanna just pay me the money so I can go?" I think everyone's forgetting about the garlic in the sauce. Drac!Shifter gets ready to pay, but first he must present his coupon. Ben Edlund is a genius with the absurd. I never though anything could approach Puppet Angel , but I was so, so wrong.
Sam wanders back to the bierhaus, finds it empty and leaves Dean a voicemail explaining that Ed isn't their guy. Suspenseful music plays as he spots the broken bottle on the floor, and the lipsticked napkin, which flashes helpfully before our eyes, in case we missed the first 500 times it was prominently featured in the episode. Sam finally says, "Lucy," and we're back at Lucy's house/Drac's Castle/Frankenstein's lab. Jamie wakes and tries to figure out where she is. Drac!Shifter says, "You wake," in case we missed it. Drac has a white gown waiting for her. He tells her to dress and they will dine...on pizza, which is thoughtfully laid out on a silver platter, but it's going to get cold fast like that. I really like Jamie because she figures out lickety-split that Drac!Shifter made up Lucy and pretended to be her friend, in order to stalk her. When he offers a lot of babble about making sure she was the one, she refuses to buy it. Drac (I'm tired of typing "Drac!Shifter" so I hope you're tired of reading it, and quite get that that's what we're working with, here) doesn't like the direction of the conversation and gets more insistent about the gown, but Jamie refuses to play his stupid game. She wants to know how Dean is. She wants to go home. Sounding just like the murderer in Silence of the Lambs he yells, "PUT ON THE GOWN." Jamie grabs it, and you can tell it's killing her to give in.
Downstairs, Sam breaks in. No, we don't know how he figured out where Lucy lived and we don't care because we're about to see the one, the only (okay, the first, which is the one that counts), the world-renowned Sam Winchester Sees Dean Winchester In Lederhosen scene. Now shhhh. Sam pulls his gun and makes his way through the house. Thunder rumbles and here it comes. Oh crap, it's just Jamie in the gown. Sorry for the false alarm. In a normal voice, Drac notes that he scared Jamie and she's the only one he doesn't want to scare. He says that he used to love the movies, and Jamie tells him they aren't real and he can't make them real. He gives her a big, rather affecting sob story about how real is being born this way. Real is being a wee shifter, whose father calls him a monster and tries to beat him to death with a shovel. Real is being unable to find refuge from people calling him "freak" and "monster." Then Drac found them -- the movie monsters and they were powerful, feared, beautiful. Now he's like them. Jamie calls him on his crap and says he sounds lonely. Drac says he was lonely, and Jamie suggests he's lonely because he kills people. He counters that he kills people because he's lonely and that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but it's almost lederhosen time, so shall we? Jamie has this well in hand. Oh, maybe not. They hear a noise and Jamie cries out for Dean. Drac whacks her across the face, and sends her sprawling across the bed, unconscious again.
Okay, here it is. The one, the only, the actual, the world-renowned Sam Winchester Sees Dean Winchester In Lederhosen scene. Sam makes his way into the laboratory. He just happens to have a pocket sized crowbar in his pocket, and makes short work of Dean's iron bonds. Dean says, "Oh thank God, just in the nick of time. The guy was about to Frankenstein me." Now that his brother is free, Sam's free to laugh at him. "Hey there, Hansel." Dean cautions him to shut up, and he almost doesn't. His breaks out in a grin again, and you can see he wants to say more, but the mean, horrible writers won't let him. He nods to indicate he'll drop the subject, and hands Dean a weapon, which pretty much guarantees he'll drop it. Sammy, you were robbed. They approach the huge double doors and Sam goes to kick them open, but they're just scenery, so his foot gets stuck in the door as he knocks it down. The music peps up as the boys make their way through this strange castle/regular house.
Sam opens the door to Jamie's room, and sees her lying on the bed. Drac takes him from behind (stop it) and throws him through a (fake) stone wall. "You will never be Van Helsing !" Dean attacks Drac, but Drac pounds him pretty well, and says, "And you, Harker -- now, you die." Dean lands a good punch in Drac's gut, knocks him back a few paces and says, "How about now you shut the hell up." He sees Sam's gun, which fell to the floor when Sam went flying through the wall. Drac notices it too, so he knocks Dean to the floor, and vamps out -- which amounts to his fangs becoming prominent. A shot rings out, and then another. We see the bullets fly out from Drac's chest. He looks down and says, "Silver?" which is what kills shifters. Violins begin to play, as Drac turns to face Jamie -- his Mina -- who has just slain him. Staggering, he says, "'Twas beauty that killed the beast," but this drama queen isn't done dying, oh no not yet. He staggers back a few more steps then says, "No, Mina, do not weep." She looks at him like he's exactly as batshit insane as he is, but refrains from reminding him she's the one who has done him in. Drac staggers back yet a few more steps and artfully drops into a throne-like chair. He arranges his cape. "Perhaps this is how the movie should end." He sighs and finally dies for real. The camera pulls back for a wider shot of him, and of Dean, who is still on the floor, and whose little knees are showing between the top of his stockings and the bottom of his little knickers. Again, we get the circular fade out, which shrinks to focus on Drac until the last second.
The next morning, Dean and Jamie kiss and kiss and kiss goodbye. There's not enough kissing on this show. Sammy needs someone to kiss, too. Between smooches, Jamie says, "Well thank you, G-Man. You have been of great service to your country." Dean laughingly agrees that he's very patriotic. Their kisses make me a little sad. They strike me as new relationship kisses, but we know they're just post-one night stand kisses, and that's too bad, because one night stands don't make for stories, and these characters click. Smoochless Sammy stands around wishing he were somewhere else (maybe necking with Ruby). Dean and Jamie look at him, and he smiles the awkward smile of, "Are you done yet; why are you looking at me; what am I supposed to do?" Dean says his goodbyes and joins his brother. As they walk off, Jamie calls to them. "You guys saved my life, you know. So...thanks." She feels stupid, too, for having a big public send off for her one night stand. And besides, not to go all Pretty Woman , but she saved them right back.
Once she's gone, Sam declares that he likes her, which is really pretty sweet, considering how much of his screen time she stole this week, but it might have been sweeter if he'd said it to her face, you know? Dean says, "It feels good to be back on the job, doesn't it?" Sam agrees. Dean says, "The hero gets the girl; the monster gets the gank; all in all, a happy ending...with a happy ending, no less." Sam laughs at him and I do too, because Dean's the one with the hymen (although I guess it's gone now) and Jamie's the one who did the saving, so Dean finally called himself a girl, instead of Sam. Sam keeps it simpler. "Real classy, Dean." Dean explains that he just thinks the shifter had a point. "It would be nice if life was movie simple, although if I was turning life into a movie, I wouldn't turn it into this Abbott and Costello Meet the Monster crap. Sam says, "Yeah, no, I know what you'd pick." Dean says he does not. They go back and forth with a few Yeah I do/No you don'ts . Sam finally says, " Porky's II ." Dean says, "What?" and Sam says, "You heard me." They eye each other, and Sam waits with glee. Dean finally says, "Lucky guess," and walks off. Sam smiles at him, and follows after, and "The End... A WARNER BROS. TELEVISION PRODUCTION" flashes across the screen. As the background fades to black, the end card changes to "The End...?" and the Warner Brother's triumphant music takes us to the end of the show.
Stay tuned for Thursday's episode, when all sorts of freaky stuff happens, including Dean asking if he's haunted and the audience asking if that doesn't seem a bit redundant on this show.
Demian will be back sooner than you think. In the meantime, you can e-mail Cindy at CynthiaMcLennan [at]gmail.com, particularly if you have pictures of Dean in lederhosen. You might want to send those to Demian, too. His info's on the contributor page.Visit the Supernatural forums!