This week, we"re off to Cicero, Indiana, nominally because some poor schmuck fought a demonically possessed table saw and lost -- and my, but that losing was exquisite -- but really because Doomed El Deano spent a particularly exhausting weekend there a decade ago with a yoga instructor named Lisa (whom Dean"s taken to referring to as "Gumby Girl," for what I hope are obvious reasons), and he"s looking for a repeat performance. Imagine Dean"s surprise, then, when he arrives at her tastefully appointed McMansion in an exclusive gated community and discovers she"s got a son precisely the correct age to be his. Even more unnerving for Our Intrepid Hero is the fact that the kid"s basically a miniature version of himself, right down to his fondness for AC/DC, saucy chicas, and extra-crispy amounts of gel in his hair. Alas, it"s simply a gigantic red herring to make us feel even more sorry for Dean than we already supposedly do, as the child actually spawned from some bar-back Lisa did right after Dean skipped town. Poor Deazzzzzzzzzzz.
Which brings us -- sort of, not really -- to The Demons Of The Week: A horde of ankle-biting Changelings have invaded central Indiana and, having locked the real kids away in a basement, are now slowly sucking the life force out of the mothers in Lisa"s development, to the point where one of them tries to pull a Susan Smith on her purported daughter. Unfortunately, the attempted drowning doesn"t work, because Changelings are immune to everything except fire. Our Dear Boys save the day, of course, but not before the creepy little preadolescent freaks put everyone in the audience off children for life.
And finally, The Hate Blonde pops up to screw with Darling Sammy"s shaggy and undead head by revealing she knows all about both The Demonic Miss America Pageant and What Happened To Burnt Mary. Oh, and she"s a demon, too, but that"s okay, because she"s been tasked by entities unknown with protecting The Ginormotron, and she might be able to solve Li"l Stumpy"s pesky Crossroads Demonette problem, as well. We"ll be reserving judgment on that, though, until we get a better idea of how it"s all going to play out.