Skittles and Vittles
Updated 2005-09-25 17:00:00
Before we begin our little foray into reality land, I want to say that I've spent six years on this site, drinking, recapping, screaming, and getting liver transplants, and I've decided that this year is the year to unveil -- in true Wal-Martha Stewart, a.k.a. Sandra "I make hollandaise from a powdered packet" Lee, fashion -- Keckler's Weekly Kocktail! It's the drink that will get me -- and hopefully you, dear drunken readers -- through the night. I'll kick this Weekly Kocktail off with the celebratory French 75. In true Martha fashion, I'm gonna give you a little background. This stylish cocktail is named for these big ol' French 75 howitzer cannons that blasted 75-millimeter shells at the Germans. Well, with guns blazing, I drink to The Apprentice: Martha Stewart -- I don't know if I can fire thirty rounds per minute, but I'm certainly going to blast away.
French 75
1 oz brandy
3/4 oz Sonoma Syrup Co. Meyer Lemon Infused Simple Syrup
1/2 oz freshly squeezed lemon juice (Don't you hate how much you miss those lemons when you're in prison?)
Champagne
The Shake:
Combine the first three ingredients together, add ice, and shake. Strain the concoction into a festive goblet, wine glass, or your mouth, and top with the bubbly stuff.
All right, my cannons are primed, so let's get this party started!
Martha takes some time to tell us just what is so great about Martha. Specifically her palatial estate, her chickens, her kitchen, and the fact that she turned her embryonic catering business into "one of America's most prestigious and well-known brands." I'd add "in her humble opinion," but she's pretty much right on the hand-painted money there. Recent clips of Martha media-ing around are interspersed with her continuing to tell us Just What Is So Great About Martha. And -- oh, man, I can't believe she went the way of The Donald with the fake phone calls from a jet/limo/Hummer/zeppelin! And the forced, fake "making a good impression is critical, so remember that" is just so very bad. Come on, Martha -- you're better than that! We get to see current Martha in the control room of one of her shows, asking, "Who was on camera one that day?" and I don't know, but the way she asks makes me hope that whoever was on camera one that day has taken himself and his family far, far away. Martha progresses with her successes, noting that "Martha Stewart" had become a household name. Geddit? With the pun? Household? Martha Stewart? Oh, if you're groaning now, just wait. It's early. And I'm sober.
Martha adds, "But I had lost my identity being in the shadow of a huge company like Time-Warner" -- Ooh! Ooh! That happened to me! I also lost my identity being in the shadow of a huge company that was Time-Warner! I am just like Martha! -- "so I borrowed eighty-five million dollars and I bought back the magazine...and overnight, I became America's first female self-made billionaire." Okay. I am not like Martha. Martha tells us that all those billions felt "really good" and drives off in her slate-gray Suburban.