Johnny Be Good
Updated 2004-04-23 17:00:00
Livia's house. Tony and Janice are in the kitchen, fixing lunch and making up after their infamous roadie blowing contretemps from a few weeks back. "You can't just say whatever comes to mind," complains Janice. "You were *****ing horrible." And every single time I check my email, I expect to get a message from David Chase saying exactly that. Once things are satisfactorily patched up between them, Tony changes the subject to Bobby's kids, and the fact that he seems to believe they actually like Janice. She says it's because she lets them do whatever they want. Except drink chocolate milk, that is. Or Snapple. Or have a trauma-free childhood. They both move to the living room, where Bobby is relaxing on the sofa while the kids themselves are sprawled on the floor watching Beethoven on the TV. This, of course, prompts Bobby Jr. to beg his dad for a little doggie of his very own. He even promises to "pick up all the poo and pee." "Pee?" observes Janice. "Right. Start with your underwear." Heh. That kid is going to be in therapy until he dies. Tony starts to reminisce about "Tippy" the dog, who was briefly a member of the Soprano household when they were kids. But then Tippy got worms and "had to move to the country." Un huh. "Tippy was gassed," reveals Janice. "Daddy took him to the pound. He used to drag his ass on the carpet just to scratch himself. My mother went crazy." Well, of course she did. My mom always freaks out when I do that. Tony, however, is utterly shocked that dad would lie to him about the death of a pet. "They always say that," proclaims Bobby, referring to the mythical dog heaven out in the country. "That same farm must have seventeen billion dogs on it," he adds. "Dog ***** up to the rafters." I'm assuming that would be Nostradamus's farm, right? This conversation is interrupted by Tony's cell phone, and he answers it to get even more bad news. He announces that Aunt Concetta has died, and then kicks off our network TV-bashing theme of the week by adding that "Uncle Zio found her on the couch after Meet The Press." Well, duh. That ***** would kill anyone. Farewell, Aunt Concetta. At least they didn't name you "Tia."
Cut to the funeral, with Father Phil presiding. We finally get to meet the much-mentioned Uncle Zio, who looks sort of frightening, with longish hair and eyeglasses with one side blacked out. Tony stands with Bobby, Janice, and Barbara, and Carmela is there too, looking bored and sort of hiding out way down at the end of the row.
Once the service is over, Tony corners Junior and tells him that he's going to visit Papa Johnny's grave. He invites Junior to join him, but Uncle Jun has other ideas: "Five hours they let me out for these funerals," he complains. "I gotta spend it being maudlin? It's a beautiful day!" Tony is more than a little offended that Junior wouldn't want to pay his respects, and it only gets worse when Junior claims that he can pay those respects from "the after party." Heh. I've sat plenty of shiva in my day, and I'm not sure I've ever heard it called an "after party" before. All things considered, though, it's not that bad a description. Junior merrily wanders off, and Bobby comes over to explain that the "uptake inhibitors" the old man has been taking have improved his mood and his memory. But not his sense of decorum, apparently.