Audrey Pauley
Updated 2002-03-22 16:00:00
Well, the numbers are in, and the people have spoken. A resounding 60\% of you, dear readers, agree that Moronica should remain "Moronica," rather than being granted the honor of being known by her given name. And so she shall be. And I'm glad. I hate change.
Moronica and Doggett are pulling up in front of Doggett's big house in Falls Church, Virginia. "Thanks for the beer," she offers. "Thanks for the lift," he tells her. Moronica asks if he has "big plans" for the weekend." Doggett grins. "Huge," he says. I'm trying so hard not to make that joke, people. "Microwave pizza, satellite TV," he clarifies. Moronica grins and bats her eyelashes flirtatiously. "Wow, thanks for making my weekend sound exciting," she says. Doggett stares at her, smiles tentatively, and blinks. Moronica wonders if the two of them ought to get some pets. Because it worked so well for Scully. "They say people with pets live longer," she says. Doggett thinks about this, and admits that he was thinking about getting a cat. Moronica directs her breasts toward his face and informs him that there are two kinds of people in the world: cat people and dog people. And he's a dog person. "How do you figure?" he asks. Maybe your name, genius? Moronica giggles. "You're faithful, you're dependable, you're without guile," she purrs. Oh, that too. "You're very comfortable to be around." She asks why he would want to get a cat. Doggett shrugs and says that they're "low-maintenance" and "hard to disappoint." Moronica makes cow eyes at him. "I don't see you disappointing anyone, John," she tells him. Since when are they all in love? Everyone knows Doggett's heart belongs to the Skinman, for better or worse, and Moronica is clearly a lover of the ladies. Moronica purses her lips, seductively. "Kiss me. Kiss meeee," she's thinking. Doggett blinks. "See you Monday?" he asks. "Yeah, see ya," Moronica coos. Doggett smiles, looks at her appraisingly, and gets out of the car. He stands on the porch and watches her drive away. He heaves a giant sigh. "She has no idea that I'm totally gay," he says, before going inside to Skinner and a nice hot cup of tea.
Moronica's driving along. "John, John, John," she says, shaking her head and gazing dreamily out the window. And then her car is totally broadsided. It spins out and flips over, in a burst of broken glass and twisted metal. It's really a rather well-executed crash, I have to say. And Moronica is surely dead, making this truly the best episode ever. I really do think that The Powers That Be are making a positive change in killing her off in a fiery blaze. This bodes well for the final episodes of the show, no?
Cut to the Hospital Where Everyone Who Ever Worked for the FBI Ends Up in a Coma Eventually. The Feds ought to be able to get a group discount on life support, don't you think? Moronica looks pretty good for someone who's just been in a horrible accident. She's got a tiny gash on her forehead, but plenty of sparkly pretty makeup. "Miss Reyes, are you with us?" the ER doctor asks, shining a light into her eyes. Oh, dammit. She's not dead. Or is she?