Hellbound
Updated 2002-02-02 16:00:00
You guys, the Scully action figure is still missing. I've looked all week. She's simply not in the apartment. I've found three mismatched socks, eight ponytail holders, a dog-eared copy of Scruples II, a tennis ball, six paper clips, a matchbook, two dusty pots of lip gloss, and seventeen cents. No Scully. The Mulder is beside himself. He's taken to his bed (a Kleenex box), where all he does is sob and wail unintelligibly. I feel for him, but it's getting rather tiresome. I tried to make some argument, re: him being an investigator, but he just threw a wad of damp tissue at me and pulled the covers over his head.
So I had to watch this episode alone. Which was fine, despite FOX's endless "You Don't Want To Watch It Alone" promos. Dude, I survived The Emmy-Award-Winning Skin Shower of 2001, and they certainly haven't topped that one yet. I told you to bring it on, Chris Carter! Time is running out! Three months! Are you scared? Are you? Okay, probably not.
Moving on. First Calvary Church; Novi, Virginia. A bunch of skeevy-looking ex-convicts sit around in a circle, while a pale, makeup-less blonde purses her lips and forces them to talk about their feelings. One dude -- who looks just like Patrick Swayze -- has a big old tattoo that reads "Hellbound." Self-fulfilling prophecy, much? Whoops, did I just give something away? Anyway, he's saying that there are three kinds of men in the world: men who make things happen, men who watch things happen, and men who wonder what happened. He used to be a man who made things happen, he says. Bad things. And his tattoo used to be "a badge of honor." But "Group" has made him a better man. Another guy in the circle massively rolls his eyes. The blonde turns to the eye-roller and exposits that he's new to the group, and that his name is Ed. Ed thinks this whole group therapy thing is "BS." Brother of Swayze (for it is indeed he, according to the credits) insists that he's found great friends and incredible support "in Group." But Ed, Mr. Confrontational, insists that BoS is "going to hell just like [Ed is]." The only reason Ed is even at group, he spits, is because he had to give this other dude a ride. The other dude has a name, but he's not going to be around enough for it to be worth my while to use it. Let's just call him "Dead Meat." Ed points out that "group" isn't helping Dead Meat a whole hell of a lot: he's having terrible nightmares. A sweaty Dead Meat shakily lights a cigarette and confirms this. The blonde -- who appears to be the group leader -- asks what kind of nightmares he's having, exactly. Oh, just about people being skinned alive, Dead Meat says. Everyone else looks distinctly uncomfortable. They're all just having recurring nightmares about being anally raped and thrown in the hole (sorry, I just watched Oz). BoS clichés that "change is a hard road," and they're "all afraid of something." But they've got to be strong, he says! Strong! Nobody puts BoS in a corner!