Unfaithful
Updated 2009-02-17 08:24:38
It's after hours at the soup kitchen, and a scruffy man named Danny cleans up. He answers a knock at the door to reveal a homeless man and some CGI cold air breath. The man asks to borrow a coat, and Danny points out that he's already wearing one. The man has to explain that it's freezing outside and he'd like something a little bit warmer so he doesn't die. Danny sighs in annoyance and finds the guy a sweatshirt. That's not exactly warm, but the man is only upset about the fact that it has the Rangers logo on it, and that is not a very popular team in New Jersey. Danny just glares at him, so the man claims he's kidding. Danny doesn't laugh. He just says good-night and closes up shop. He heads into his dingy apartment for some music by Doves, a cigarette, and a few shots before unzipping his own shirt to reveal a priest's collar, which he then removes as soon as possible. He drinks some more before he's interrupted by another knock at the door. This time it's someone wearing much less clothing. He looks a lot like Jesus, crown of thorns, stigmata, and all. "That's not funny, freak," Father Danny immediately says. "No one is laughing, Daniel," Jesus says; "now do you think I could borrow a coat? I'm freezing out here with just this strategically-placed sheet to wear." Danny looks down to see that Jesus is actually floating in mid-air.
House arrives at work to find Cuddy waiting for him as usual. She asks if he has plans for Friday. He sure does, and they involve not one, but two prostitutes. Cuddy says that's too bad, because she was hoping he'd be free to attend Rachel's simchat bat, which House immediately knows is the Jewish baby-naming ceremony. If Rachel were a boy, this would be followed by a circumcision. Lucky Rachel. House thinks Cuddy's sudden interest in her religion's customs is hypocritical and declines the offer, even though Cuddy tries to sweeten the pot by saying it'll include free alcohol and "lots of nice people you can quietly mock."
Instead, House heads to the ER and starts looking through patient files. Cameron's House-detection alarm goes off, so she runs up to see him. Did she just say she runs the ER? Does she really? How is this even possible? Surely there were plenty of other, older, vastly more experienced and capable doctors working there who should have been offered the position first? Or is Cameron the only doctor in the entire ER like Wilson is the only oncologist? House finds a file he likes and asks to meet the patient it belongs to. "He's a drunk priest who hallucinated Jesus," Cameron says loudly even though Danny is lying like ten feet away from her. She thinks it's a clear-cut case of either alcohol or exhaustion, and certainly nothing up to House's picky standards. So he must be taking this case to try to screw someone over. Cameron allows him to do just that because she has a whole ER to run and no doctor co-workers to help out.
House decorates the Whiteboard O'Symptoms with a cross while Taub complains that this case seems unusually simple for them. For this, House makes a short people joke that Hadley finds amusing. Taub can't help being short any more than you can help having Huntington's, Hadley. Should we all make fun of you for it? House spits out a bunch of differentials, but the Cottages aren't buying. The ER hasn't even bothered to eliminate the more likely and obvious causes, so they also believe House is only taking this case to screw with someone -- either one of them, or the patient himself. House doesn't really care what they think as long as they run a bunch of unnecessary tests on the patient. Hope the church has a good health plan, Father Apathy!
Kumar and Taub set off to do House's bidding while House tells "Foreteen" (ugh, I can't believe he's using that name for them. It just convinces me all the more that the writers paired those two up because they thought the Foreteen thing was so darn clever) to stay behind so they may receive yet another B-plot. I really thought we were done with this when Hadley got her 24-hour brain tumor last episode. WHY must this couple be forced upon us week after week after week? Not even Cameron in Season One got this kind of screen time. Anyway, House says he took the priest case to screw with them, as he's refusing to take on any "real" cases until they make a choice: either they stop dating or they quit. Oh, hold on -- this B-plot could be the best one ever if they choose the latter. Fingers crossed! But I'm not too hopeful. When it comes to the writers and Hadley, I've lost my faith. Hadley stupidly asks House to give them another chance to prove that they can conduct their relationship like adults without accidentally giving each other tumors and wasting the viewers' time. House refuses, and gives them until the end of the priest case to make their decision.
Kumar and Taub, meanwhile, do their jobs. Father Danny is insistent that his hallucination was not the result of alcohol, since he'd only had two drinks and his typical nightly total is six. Kumar ignores him and reads off of Father Danny's medical file, which shows that he's moved around quite a bit over the past few years, from Manhattan to Oregon to New Mexico to Wisconsin to Trenton. Wait, does that mean he was working in the Trenton soup kitchen? The same one the mother of Cuddy's baby used to volunteer in? Quelle coincidence! Danny is reluctant to provide them with any more details until Taub says it could be medically relevant. So now we get the story of Danny, Jaded Priest: when he was working in New York, a teen in his youth group accused him of "inappropriate contact." Danny claims he was innocent, and the church believed him so much that they transferred him as far away as possible, to Oregon. He was at his subsequent jobs for only a short time before his parishioners found out about the accusation and forced him to move along. With that new piece of information, Taub puts forth a new diagnosis of syphilis. Father Danny claims he isn't sexually active and never has been, but Taub doesn't really believe him, what with the molestation accusation and all. Taub sarcastically offers that the hallucination might have actually been Jesus, to which Danny says he doesn't believe in the guy. Being a priest is "just a job" for him now, he says; "the fairytale ended a long time ago." Then it's a crappy job with crappy pay and a whole bunch of rules about your personal relationships. Why stay?
House and Wilson meet in the cafeteria. House is mad at Wilson for attending Cuddy's ceremony when he has two tickets to a jazz concert on the same night. Except that he made those tickets up just to try to ruin Cuddy's good time. Wilson says he wants to go to the ceremony, and he's sure Cuddy will be okay with House not attending. In fact, he's surprised she invited House in the first place. House finds that surprising, too.
But enough of that. Hadley and Foreman are having problems, so we all have to go see them to make sure they're okay. Hadley is sick of House's games, but has no right to complain when it was only by winning House's games that she even got this job in the first place. She knew what she was in for in the beginning. She wants to do something, like go to HR (PPTH obviously doesn't have one) or work somewhere else (please please please. PLEEEEEEASE). Foreman says complaining about House to Cuddy won't do a thing and he doesn't want to work anywhere else. He neglects to mention that that's only because he can't. Hadley accuses Foreman of being "scared" to leave House. Foreman thinks for a second before deciding that House did this because he wants them to fight. He wouldn't actually fire them, so they should just stop playing into it.
Kumar and Taub go to House and tell him that their patient doesn't believe in God. House finds that cool. He's not quite so thrilled about the child molesting, though. Kumar keeps reminding everyone that the molestation was never proven, because he's that naïve. Taub just wants to release Danny because there's nothing wrong with him. House says that's bad news for Foreman and Hadley. Taub and Kumar just look at each other, but I doubt they really care much at this point.
Hadley and Foreman report to House's office. He tells them the case is over, so he'll need their decision. Smiling confidently, Hadley says they aren't going to break up and they aren't going to quit. She thinks she's got this thing all figured out. "You're fired," House tells Foreman. Foreman continues to believe that House is bluffing, but House says Foreman is wrong about that, just like he's been wrong about a lot of things ever since he started dating Hadley. He let Chase and Cameron date because they didn't compromise their professional lives to do so. Um, except when they had sex in a patient's house and in the sleep lab during a case. But anyway, Foreman's relationship with Hadley caused him to become a liability. Foreman doesn't understand -- just last episode, House was all about sweeping that under the rug. House says he was trying to save Foreman's medical license. He doesn't have those same good intentions when it comes to Foreman's job or relationship. Hadley frowns. This isn't going the way she thought it would at all! Not only is House totally committed to this and not bluffing, but he also has a very good reason for his demands. And even if he was bluffing, did they really think he'd just say, "Oh, you guys got me! I couldn't stand to lose either one of you. My bad!" and drop it? Hell no! House would watch them both leave before admitting he didn't want them to. Foreman hands in his badge. But we all know he'll get it back before the episode is over so I don't care.
Father Danny isn't happy to be discharged without a diagnosis. Taub says he's pretty sure Danny will be fine now that he's "slept it off." Danny says he has other symptoms besides the hallucination. Like he's nauseous and his foot feels funny. Taub doesn't believe him, but Kumar checks the foot out. "Oh god!" he says, holding a small grey form in his hand. Danny asks what that is. "Your toe just fell off," Kumar says. Ew. By the way, Kumar is taking this much better than I did when I worked in a hospital and found a toe.
After the break, House holds the now packaged toe up and says he just got lucky, diagnostic medicine-ly speaking. His fake case is actually real. Kumar asks where Foreman and Hadley are. He sounds angry, probably because he's sick of him and Taub being stuck doing the work of four doctors because half the team gets to take off work to throw hissy fits. It's the worst group project ever. House informs them that their team of four is now a team of three. He's expecting Hadley to be angry for a while but come back eventually. Too bad. While House tries to focus on the case, Taub and Kumar just keep asking questions about Foreman and Hadley. Haven't they gotten enough attention? Guess not, since Kumar sticks up for them, saying they're "good doctors." "Separately, they're great doctors. Better than you," House says. Oh really? Foreman's patient once died from a bra infection and Hadley killed a patient AND his dog. Face it: they suck. At everything. House tells them to check out the priest's house and tell Hadley to test Danny's blood for carbon monoxide and stick him in a hyperbaric chamber. If it was carbon monoxide poisoning that was bad enough to kill toes, I'm pretty sure Danny would be dead by now. Lots of people die of carbon monoxide poisoning and their toes stay attached.
Oh, good. More Foreman and Hadley. Foreman cleans out his locker and says he's going to get a letter of recommendation from Cuddy and find a new job. Indignant Hadley doesn't think he should give up so soon, but Foreman has to admit that House was right: being with Hadley affected his judgment. She's just that awesome and perfect and tragic. Hadley offers to quit instead, saying it'll be easier for her to find another job. For real -- has Foreman already forgotten that he's unemployable? "Not like this one," Foreman says. Yes, because being House's fellow is so wonderful. Hadley says they should both quit. Foreman doesn't think that will accomplish anything. He's wrong, though. It will make me very, very happy. "I'll be fine. We'll be fine," Foreman says. I don't care. We don't care. They kiss chemistrylessly.
Kumar and Taub get their own scene, but not really since they're just talking about Foreman and Hadley. What if they just stuck a little picture of Hadley in the corner of the TV screen at all times? Then she could be in every single scene but we wouldn't have to hear about her. I'll just put the closed captioning on so it'll cover her face up and I won't have to see her, either. Kumar mentions Hadley's bisexuality out of nowhere, saying Hadley should invite "friends" over for her and Foreman to play with. "She's not a nympho, she's bisexual," Taub says. She was both just a few episodes ago, a time when we only had to deal with her and not her and Foreman. How I miss those days in retrospect. Taub think he's found the source of the carbon monoxide poisoning Danny doesn't have in an ashtray full of cigarettes. Someone's been reading the surgeon general's warnings too carefully.
Cuddy enters the elevator. The doors start to close, but House still manages to slip in at the last second. I think the elevator doors are actually a bigger part of this show than House's cane at this point. House informs Cuddy that he's figured out her clever ruse -- she only invited him to the ceremony because she knew he'd turn her down because she doesn't actually want him there. Although I can't imagine why not, what with him now carrying on about how she's a hypocrite to celebrate her Jewosity with one ceremony but not follow every single Jewish ritual ever created. He says it's either all or nothing or you're a hypocrite. I used that argument on a guy who said he would never marry a Jewish girl because his Catholic religion was too important to him but also had no problem having premarital sex and paying for a girlfriend's abortion. He found a way to justify everything. On the other hand, he is now married to a Jewish girl. Cuddy's not the only person to pick and choose her religious beliefs, is all I'm saying. She takes a deep breath and says that House is a part of her life, and she really truly honestly wants him to come to the ceremony. House accepts. "I'm glad," Cuddy says.
She then runs right to Wilson's office to yell at him for convincing House to attend the ceremony and order him to fix it without letting on to House that she doesn't want him there. He couldn't even convince House not to go in the first place -- how's he going to do this?
Then it's back for more Foreman/Hadley drama. Kumar finds Hadley in the hyperbaric chamber booth. I love that PPTH has a state-of-the-art dedicated hyperbaric chamber theater. Even Mitch didn't have it this good when he got the bends on that one episode of Baywatch . Hadley gives Kumar attitude when he acts concerned about Foreman's career, then apologizes. Maybe she's getting another headache-turned-brain-tumor. It has been twenty minutes since her last one. Taub, for the record, says that House was right to fire Foreman and they blew their chance to keep their jobs. Hadley says it was an ultimatum, and after five years of working for House, Foreman should be allowed to make "a mistake or two." In my last Survivor recap, I called a contestant by the wrong name. That's a mistake. Deliberately and with a great deal of forethought screwing around with a drug trial and depriving a patient of medicine in order to give it to your girlfriend, who then gets a brain tumor from it? That's a little bit more significant. Anyway, Danny's had enough of Foreman getting all the attention so he suddenly has a medical crisis. He bangs on the walls of the chamber and clutches his chest, saying he can't breath. Kumar decides he's having a heart attack.
Cuddy's lounging around in her office when Foreman walks in. She thinks he's there to ask her to force House to give him his job back, but he just wants a letter of recommendation. "Eric ..." Cuddy starts. Ooooh, bad news, Foreman! Your first name just got used. Sure enough, Cuddy says she's not writing a recommendation for someone who "falsified medical records" and "put this hospital's reputation in jeopardy." LOL PPTH's reputation. "You're lucky you still have a license," she concludes. Foreman wasn't expecting this incredibly predictable turn of events.
It turns out that Danny didn't have a heart attack after all, just chest pain. Ha! I'll bet Kumar only thought it was a heart attack because he wanted to see what would happen if he used the defibrillator paddles in a hyperbaric chamber. House decides the priest is suffering from a clotting disorder and sends Kumar and Taub off to do an angiogram. As for Hadley, she's sulky so House says she can leave since she doesn't feel like working today. As for House, amazingly enough, he actually wants to meet his patient.
His first question: "are you really a virgin?" Danny says they aren't compelled to believe him, just to treat him. House tries to pull the "it's medically relevant" card, but Danny still doesn't care. House thinks a teenager getting "confused" is an awfully minor reason to lose one's faith, but Danny says it was followed by his church abandoning him (they didn't fire him, though) and his god forsaking him. "I couldn't come up with a reason why God would do that," he says. Guess he never read a little something I like to call "the part of the Bible where God fucks up Job's life forever just to prove a point." Kumar tries to help Danny out, saying that God gave the kid free will, and he used that free will to falsely accuse Danny, so Danny is just a victim of God's gift to mankind. Danny's already considered that, and says that free will causes suffering, so God causes suffering. He didn't have a problem with that when he wasn't the one suffering, though, did he? House loves Danny's attitude and says so, adding that if only Danny wasn't a pedophile, they could hang out sometime. With that, Kumar does something to Danny's chest that's supposed to hurt, but Danny feels no pain. That's not good. House pokes around and finds that Danny has "regional anesthesia," which means the problem isn't a clotting disorder -- it's neurological. Too bad House fired the neurologist! Although it wasn't like Foreman did much with that specialty anyway. He orders the two working Cottages to run a nerve conduction study.
Wilson tries his best to convince House not to go to Cuddy's ceremony: "it's a religious ceremony. It's boring. Why waste a good evening that could be much better spent in a drunken stupor feeling sorry for yourself?" That's a terrible argument. There's a reason why Wilson is a doctor and not a lawyer. Also, last time House had a good evening of drunkenly feeling sorry for himself, CTB died. Might not want to actively encourage that, Wilson. House sees right through Wilson and knows that Cuddy put him up to this. Wilson quickly admits that's true and asks House why he's attending a ceremony Cuddy doesn't want him at. House says Cuddy tried to trick him into not going, so if he doesn't go, "the terrorists win." He's used that joke before.
Technically, Hadley is at work. But she's not actually doing her job, as she heads for the doctors' lounge to find Cameron and Chase hanging out, a couple that has everything Hadley and Foreman do not: chemistry and employment. Hadley asks Cameron for a job in the ER even though Cameron has been nothing but hostile towards her in all of their interactions. Chase tells Hadley not to quit her job with House just for Foreman. He also doesn't think Foreman should leave PPTH. Instead, they should break up and keep their jobs since office romances hardly ever work out anyway. "Office romances are a bad idea. We beat some very long odds," he says. "Save the gushy stuff for the wedding," Cameron says. Wow. I guess we only give Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer dialogue on this show just to rub in their personal failures. Cameron is a softie, and thinks they shouldn't let House win because then he'll respect them less than he already does, if that's even possible. Maybe if they let him win -- his respect for them will drop so low that it'll actually go up. Chase suggests that House might be trying to do what's best for Foreman and Hadley. Cameron tries not to laugh in his face and says she'll call Mercy and recommend Hadley for an open position there. What the hell is Mercy? What happened to St. Sebastian's? Hadley doesn't thank Cameron, just smiles tightly and leaves.
Danny's lying on yet another gurney in yet another dimly-lit room. He asks Kumar if House is "always like that." Kumar says no -- House is usually a lot worse. He was favoring Danny because he's a fellow atheist. Kumar, apparently, is not, as he tries to win Danny's faith back by asking if he's considered that God is testing him with this. Right, I'm sure Danny never considered that possibility in the last four years. Danny says he's already failed that test, so whatever god is doing to him now is just plain mean. Taub finds some "intercostal neuralgia." What about Pentecostal neuralgia? Heh heh, just a little church joke. Kumar tries to explain it to Danny, but he isn't paying attention because he's just gone blind in his right eye.
The Whiteboard O'Symptoms is starting to get crowded. Hadley pipes up to suggest something systemic, like an autoimmune disorder. Everyone takes a second to recover from the shock of Hadley actually doing her job. Then Taub and Kumar shoot down all of her stupid ideas -- tests for autoimmune disorders have been negative and it can't be an infection because there are no white blood cells. House takes this time to talk about Duran Duran. One night, they had lady fans screaming and clawing to get a piece of them. Another night, nothing. "I don't speak hair band," Hadley says. Kumar bristles: "they weren't a hair band, they were new romantics." Oh, go polish your Simon LeBon poster, Kumar. Of course, Hadley's the one who figures out House's riddle. The night without fans occurred twenty years after the fan night, when Duran Duran doesn't have any more fans. Ouch. The writer of this episode really hates Duran Duran. Anyway, this is all to say that Danny could have an infection, but there are no white cells fighting it because he doesn't have any. House orders them all off to biopsy Danny's spleen.
Not so fast, Hadley. Now that there's real work to be done, she hangs back to talk to House instead. She asks if he'll re-hire Foreman if she quits since he can't get another job and she can. Oh, bullshit. There are plenty of hospitals out there that need doctors and will hire you even without your precious recommendation. They probably aren't very good hospitals, but those are what we call "consequences." Hadley says she's willing to make such a huge sacrifice for Foreman and that he knows about her plan. House says he'll hire Foreman back. Great.
House runs over to Danny's room to chat some more with the athepriest. He asks Danny if he'll get his faith back if House cures him. Danny says no; his faith is "gone for good." House doesn't think so, and he doesn't think Danny thinks that, either. He's holding onto his sucky, low-paying job because he's hoping his faith will come back somehow. Danny says he's been with the church his entire adult life, so he can't get a job as anything else. Yeah, but he could have sex. Why follow the church's rules when you don't believe in them and you have hormones? Danny accuses House of hypocrisy, saying he acts like he doesn't care about anyone (how would Danny know that?), but his job is all about saving lives. House says he solves puzzles. The fact that people don't die is just a coincidence. I wouldn't have believed that a few seasons ago. I do now. Danny doesn't. He thinks House wants to believe. House gets uncomfortable and escapes with a quip about whore trees and fruit sex.
House finds Cuddy in the hallway. She admits that she doesn't want House at the ceremony, because it'll be full of love and friends and family and House is the opposite of all of those things. "Okay," House says simply. "That's it? You're really not coming?" Cuddy asks, looking just a little bit disappointed. "I'm really not coming," House says, looking like he doesn't really care one way or the other. He plays her like a violin.
Hadley joins Kumar and Taub in the lab. Of course, the conversation revolves around her and Foreman. Kumar thinks they should wait and House will eventually rehire Foreman. Taub thinks the opposite and agrees with House that they should break up before one of them cheats with another woman. What's with all the mentions of Hadley's bisexuality this week? Did they get yelled at by GLAAD for hooking her up with a man who instantly cured her reckless random sex with women or something? Whatever. Hadley reports that Danny's spleen looks fine except for traces of a few minor bugs that aren't even worth mentioning. Or are they?
House has returned to Danny for more religion talk. Also because Danny's lunch has arrived and he doesn't want his pudding cup. Mouth full of pudding, House asks Danny why people get all religious when they have kids. "Fear of the unknown -- cornerstone of faith," Danny says. Then he somehow figures out that House has "a thing" for Cuddy. Are psychic powers a symptom? This is ridiculous. House will only admit to being physically attracted to Cuddy and asks Danny why he's still a virgin even though his faith is gone. That's what I was wondering, too. "Who wants a relationship with a priest?" Danny asks. Probably a lot of women. I think it's some kind of weird fantasy, actually. House says it doesn't have to be a relationship.
Taub calls House outside. The Cottages have figured out what's wrong with Danny: a pneumocystis infection from the holy water. It's a minor and harmless bug that doesn't make anyone sick -- unless his immune system is already compromised by something else. Something like AIDS. And just think: Hadley was ready to dismiss it even though she's supposedly a better doctor than Taub and Kumar, who caught her mistake.
Danny refuses to believe he has AIDS, since he's never done anything to put himself at risk for it. But he'd rather keep his faith in that than have an AIDS test to prove it, just in case he gets a false positive. Normally, I'd say he's worried about nothing, but since the Cottages are the ones who run the AIDS tests and not qualified med techs with all sorts of protocol to follow to ensure their results are accurate, he probably has a right to be reluctant.
Taub wants to assume Danny has AIDS and start treating him. Kumar doesn't, since the antiretrovirals are too dangerous to be administered unnecessarily. Taub doesn't care if Danny lives or dies, as he's already concluded that Danny is an AIDS-filled child molester and thinks they should be more concerned with getting the news to the victim that he might have some AIDS. Do they even know that the priest had sex with the kid if the molestation thing is true? Wouldn't they be calling it "rape" rather than "molestation" if that were the case? Taub and Kumar are not Hadley and Foreman, so their arguments bore House. He takes some pills and tells them to treat Danny for the AIDS he might not have and not tell his victim because that's against the law and House needs all the working staff members he can get right now.
Over at Hadley's Home of High Ceilings, Hadley tells Foreman, who's already wearing his unemployment sweats, that she got a job at Mercy so he can go back to House. Foreman doesn't jump for joy about the news. In fact, he's pissed off and feeling emasculated that his girlfriend had to bail him out of his problems and doesn't have faith that he'll be able to find a job on his own. "House knew you'd be like this," Hadley says. That was not the right thing to say. "Guess House knows me better than you do," Foreman replies. Do you think they talk about House when they have sex? I bet they do. "Too bad I don't go both ways," Foreman adds, because he's the only character this episode who hadn't referenced Hadley's bisexuality yet. "Good night," Hadley says, and walks away. Except... they're in her apartment. Where's she going to go?
House isn't done with the Cuddy ceremony just yet, it seems. Now he's trying to convince Wilson not to attend, either. What a dick! Wilson figures out that House actually wants to go to the ceremony and be a part of Rachel's life. House says he only wants to have sex with Cuddy's baby as soon as it's of legal age. What if she's ugly, though? Wilson tells House to go to the ceremony and act like a human being. House says he doesn't want to go and he's not capable of acting like a human. He demonstrates this by stealing a brownie off a passing kid's lunch tray.
Taub reports to Generic Diner, where he finds the kid who accused Danny of molesting him. Idiot. I hope he gets sued. How did he even find out the kid's name anyway, let alone where he works? Don't they go through great pains to keep a molested kid's name unknown? Anyway, Taub tells the kid that Father Danny might have AIDS. "So?" the kid, named Ryan, asks. Taub wasn't expecting this reaction. He tells Ryan to get tested if he hasn't already. Ryan doesn't seem too worried about himself, just asking how sick Danny is. "Very," Taub says. Ryan says he's been tested, but he's obviously lying and hiding something. He's also not very appreciative that Taub risked his career for him.
Foreman's got his Job Suit on. He marches into House's office and demands his job back. Hadley walks in and asks what Foreman's doing. House is having a great time, since he knows Foreman well enough to know that he's doing this behind Hadley's back at her expense. And the guilty look on Foreman's face seems to agree. Hadley is pissed because she already turned down the Mercy job offer. Of course she did. She's not going anywhere. Foreman says she can find something else. Hadley wants to know why Foreman came in without telling her and accuses him of having to be in control. He says she's being controlling, too. "Yeah! Who's the controlling bitch now?" House says as he sits back and watches the fun. Foreman says Hadley never intended to save him -- she just offered to do it because she knew he'd say no and then she wouldn't have to feel guilty. "You're an idiot," Hadley whispers. She leaves. House asks Foreman if he's going to chase after her or stay and get his job back. Foreman chooses the job. I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed.
Father Danny is only mildly annoyed that he's being treated for something he doesn't think he has. If I knew I didn't have AIDS, I'd refuse to let them give me drugs for it. Suddenly, his BP starts to climb. He rips his gown open to reveal lesions all over his chest.
House puts the lesions on the Whiteboard over Taub's objections that they're just a reaction to the AIDS medicine. Meanwhile, Foreman and Hadley are both in the meeting room wearing their frowny faces. House diagnoses Danny with hyper IgE syndrome, also known as Job's syndrome. None of the symptoms line up with it, but it's just too perfect for House to resist. Kumar turns that down and Hadley suggests cerebral microtumors. Foreman scoffs that they didn't see any tumors in the scans, and Hadley spits back that's why she called them "micro." They fight a lot and House watches, still eating this up. "This isn't going to work," Hadley says. House disagrees: "conflict breeds creativity." The writers of this show must be having a love-in, then. House orders Kumar to run some genetic tests.
Taub is quick to tell Danny that he still believes he has the AIDS. Then Taub shits his pants because Ryan just showed up. Oh, you are so fired, Taub. Now that Foreman has his job back, you are that much less necessary. Taub runs over to Ryan and panics that he shouldn't be here and it's not a good idea for him to speak to Danny. Danny's up for visitors, though, so Ryan walks up with an angry look on his face that quickly changes to remorse. "I'm sorry," he says; "for everything." Taub's jaw drops slightly. See, Taub? You were wrong. Stick to your own religion; these Catholics are too hard to figure out. Ryan kneels at Danny's bedside, and Danny tearfully puts his hand on Ryan's head (not the head that would get him in trouble, though) and says "I know." He's been waiting four years for this moment.
Wilson drops by the meeting room for plot-furthering purposes. House stares at the Whiteboard and ignores him as he tries to convince House to overlook Cuddy's hypocrisy and attend the ceremony. In doing so, he gives House his epiphany. He erases "hallucination" from the Whiteboard over Wilson's objections. Without it, he's got his diagnosis. Wilson says he can't just eliminate symptoms because they don't fit his diagnosis. House says he can if it isn't a symptom.
House personally informs Danny that he has Wiskott-Aldrich syndrome, an inherited disease that impairs the immune system, giving you all those opportunistic infections you also get from AIDS. "Another gift from God," House scoffs. But Danny's not feeling so down with God these days, as he cleverly figures out from House's listing off the symptoms that his hallucination wasn't considered to be a symptom. House tries to chalk that one up to scotch, which makes perfect sense since I totally see a hovering Jesus every time I imbibe. Lately he's been getting really naggy, telling me to clean up the apartment more often and maybe I could dress a little nicer. Danny says that means that seeing House at the same time that his real illness showed up was a coincidence. House's face falls as he watches a fellow atheist bite the dust. "Einstein said coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous," Danny says, pointing out that House never really wanted to take his case in the first place. "The fact that I was wrong is not proof of God," House says, more willing to admit that he's wrong than that God exists. Danny says his life totally changed in one day. House tells him it'll suck again sooner or later. "Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained," House Scullys, almost head-butting the camera. Step back, camera guy. And please try to get the shaking under control. Perhaps you could enroll in a Huntington's drug trial I've heard so much about? Danny says he knows that ... but still. I have to say, I wasn't expecting this. This show loves to give us the most negative and faithless outcome of just about everything, especially when it comes to religion. This time, they left the door open just a little bit.
Cuddy stops by Cameron's work station to exposit that tests confirmed Danny has Wiskott-Aldrich. Cameron smirks that she almost discharged him. That's not funny, Cameron. That's what we call "a possibly fatal mistake." Cuddy can't believe that House took on a fake case that turned into a real one that he only solved by ignoring the symptom that brought the patient into PPTH in the first place. She can't help but sound amazed. "You want him there tonight," Cameron says; "you should tell him." Cameron is all about office relationships this week. Stop watching Grey's Anatomy , Cameron.
House leaves for the day. Cuddy's obviously been waiting for him so she can coincidentally leave at the same time. They meet at the door for some awkward avoidance conversation. House makes fun of Cuddy's sister. They stall for more time to work up the nerve to invite or ask to be invited. And then Cuddy takes a breath and opens her mouth and House looks at her expectantly and... nothing. They walk off in opposite directions. Boooo!
The ceremony happens. Almost everyone is there, the men in yarmulkes and Cuddy's sister possibly lurking somewhere in the background. Evil Nurse Brenda does not appear to be invited. Of course. Hadley wasn't invited either. She returns home to find Foreman sitting on the couch. Hadley takes a bow and they make out with no chemistry. They think they're so cool to have pulled one over on House, but I'm sure he'll figure it out if he hasn't already. As long as they keep up the fake fighting and give him diagnoses and some entertainment, he doesn't care.
As for House, he's home alone playing the piano and drinking. Obviously he's thinking of Cuddy because he starts playing some Jewishy music. Back at the ceremony, Cuddy hands Rachel to Cameron and answers the door. An old couple is there, and Cuddy is clearly just a little bit disappointed not to see House instead. Back at the party, she takes the baby back and exchanges a look with Wilson. Sorry your ceremony isn't perfectly perfect, Cuddy, but you had your chance and you blew it. Back at House's house, do you really think he's going to stop playing the piano and go to the party? No. We wasted our once-in-a-blue-moon happy ending on Danny. House stays put.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com .
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