Charlie Sheen Demonstrates His Media Coaching to Jay Leno

Not to be cynical, but that's obviously what happened, right? Charlie Sheen got to the other side of his long weekend (VERY long), realized that he still had to have a career in order to provide for his various exes and hangers-on and keep himself in...well, whatever he enjoys imbibing when he's not at work, which it's not my place to speculate about! So in order to convince insurance companies and studios that he is a good risk, Sheen engaged the services of a media expert, and took the opportunity of promoting Monday's "Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen" to do some damage control. Let's look at the tell-tale lines in each segment.

On all that "tiger blood," "Adonis DNA," "warlock" business: "These are all metaphors."

Why did Sheen turn things around? "I realized I was pretty much LOSING."

Hey, a crack in the façade. Sheen: "I came back. Kind of like you did!" Jay Leno: "At least one of us got the job back."

On getting fired from "Two and a Half Men": "I would have fired my ass too." (Another façade crack: "Well, not like they did.")

Were producers justified? "I own my part in that. I just want to make everything right....I should have been a little more responsible about the condition I was showing up in."

Is he bitter? "It is what it is. I'm just moving forward."

Is he going to go back to his wicked spring 2011 ways? "I can't, Jay. I can't. I don't have the energy."

Is he going to lash out at anything people say at the "Roast"? "It's a big celebration of a career and a life that was, I think, very roast-able." (But he made them cut a joke about his mother, which gets an applause break from the audience. Regular people love moms!)

Is he dating? "I don't think you could call what I do 'dating.'" See? He's still the cheeky rascal America fell in love with, but not so much that it grosses everyone out!

So what IS his situation? Sheen: "I'm single, I'm having fun." Leno: "But not too much fun." Sure — just the exact right amount that gets Sheen jobs, but not so much that he scares people.