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'The Bachelorette' Recap: Hasta La Vista, Baby

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Let's give Desiree some credit.

In the many "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" seasons, we've seen contestants approach the lead to tell them about shenanigans going on behind their backs. And most of those times, the lead firmly keeps their starry-eyed blinders on. Look at how long Sean kept the Tierra-ist around just a few months ago!

After Des finds out what James said, she … well, she waffles, yes. She doesn't know what to believe. But eventually, she does the right thing and sends him packing.

[Related: 'The Bachelor's' Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison Debut New Dating App

So, James didn't win Des and he isn't going to be the next "Bachelor" (unless hell and Twitter freeze over). Guess that "win-win" scenario didn't quite work out for him after all!

You're My Wonderwall

Des and the guys are now in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, Barcelona. Her first one-on-one date there is with pretty boy Drew, who's been reserved with Des so far. But beneath those striking Abercrombie & Fitch looks is a well of deep emotion. Over tapas, he tears up as he relates the story of his formerly alcoholic (and now cancer-stricken) father. Des is touched and feels closer to him already.

Later, they're about to have dinner in a secluded courtyard when Drew whisks her away. The cameramen dash to catch up with the pair, who are found making out in a dark alley. Muy caliente! Des likes this side of Drew — a lot. After kissing passionately in the alley for a while, she gives him a rose.

[Related: 'The Bachelorette's' Chris Harrison: Viewers Are Going to Fall for Drew]

But that's not to be the date's happy ending. Drew has something to tell her ... duh duh dunnnhhhh. It's about a conversation that both he and Kasey overheard in an unfilmed car ride a few days prior between James and Mikey (who was eliminated last week). Apparently, James said that if he made it to the top 4, he'd be in a very good position to be the next "Bachelor"!

Desiree is stunned.

Playing Footsie

After that bombshell, Des is reeling, but she still wants to enjoy her group date with Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. They head to the local futbol arena (soccer for us Americans), where the guys have to face off against Des and her team ... of female players.

Uh, piece of cake for the men, right? Wrong! Though they score a couple of goals quickly, the men are totally outclassed by the women. The worst player is James, who proves to be a total sissy as his team's goalkeeper.

During the evening portion of the date, Des makes sure to reconnect with Chris and Brooks (even reciting a poem for the former!). But she has a very important task on her agenda: confronting James about what she's heard.

We have to give it to the guy — he's a good talker. He makes excuses about how it was all Mikey's fault, and actually swears on his sick father that he didn't say those things. The guy even starts to cry!

Des clearly seems torn. She trusts Drew and Kasey, and yet she and James had such an amazing one-on-one date in New Jersey. She decides not to give out a group date rose and to table the James situation for the night.

Make Art, Not War

With this dark cloud hanging over her head, Des needs some fun and laughter and who better to give her that than Zak? He hasn't been our favorite, but the guy is starting to grow on us. Their one-on-one date is an artistic drawing session.

Zak may be outgoing and gregarious, but he's clearly not artistically talented. His terrible — and that doesn't even come close to describing it — sketch of Des makes her nearly ROTFL. Heck, we laughed for a good two minutes straight. Then, we laughed for another three minutes at Zak's expression upon seeing the nude male model.

Laughter really is the best medicine, and Des finally seems like her old self again. Later, during dinner in a romantic wine cellar, Zak describes that he's looking for a long-term marriage with adventure built in. That's what Desiree wants, too, and she gives him the rose.

Then, Zak admits to the camera that he's falling in love with Des. Sigh. It's never good to be the first one to be in love with "The Bachelor/ette." Then again, she's proven to be a bit of a maverick. Maybe Zak isn't doomed.

He Said, He Said

Host Chris Harrison announced earlier that there'd be no cocktail party, so the guys are just waiting around their hotel suite and the atmosphere is tense. Actually, it's beyond tense; it's excruciatingly uncomfortable.

Then, Des comes in and asks to talk to James. As she says in her confessional, she's ready to let him go. But oh, that James — he's really a very good talker. He assures her that he wants to stay, that he thinks she is amazing, and that she's everything he's ever looked for in a woman. He really lays the charm on thick, and it totally stumps her. Now, Des is confused. She doesn't kick him out as she planned and instead goes off to think about it some more.

The other guys are confused when James returns. Even nice guy Chris cannot deal. Things get even worse when James calls the situation a "win-win" — meaning, he either wins Desiree's hand or he becomes the next "Bachelor."

Chris is disgusted. Brooks comes out of his chillaxed coma to look annoyed. Kasey likens it to telling your current girlfriend that you're looking forward to the girls you'll date after her. James shrugs it all off and says he's done and said nothing wrong.

Rose Ceremony

The tenseness among the guys carries over to the rose ceremony. Seriously, we didn't think Chris could look so mad. Michael keeps shooting James dirty looks.

So, Drew and Zak both have roses. There are only three more, meaning three of the guys are leaving.

After some soul-searching, Des finally makes her decisions. She gives roses to Chris and Brooks (total locks) and … Michael! Interesting.

That means Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James are all going home.

(Juan Pablo for the next "Bachelor," anyone? Sure, he didn't make it the top 4, but he's hot, he's got a sexy accent, and, uh … he's hot.)

James seems stunned, though he must've had some inkling this could happen. And despite the fact that he's the size of a linebacker, he complains that he was bullied by the other guys. "Why me?" he sniffles as a car takes him away.

No doubt he'll soon say "why not me?" when they pick the next "Bachelor." Because it sure as hell isn't going to be him.

Check out reactions from Twitter, and the sound off in the comments below!

Watch the full episode:

"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 PM on ABC.

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