First off, if you're not Prince William or Kate Middleton, please stop reading. Royals are better than you, and this whole thing is just going to go over your head.
OK, are we alone? Fantastic.
Kate. Will. Being a parent is tough, and it only gets harder when you're of royal blood. There are so many extra things to watch out for: scandals, poisoning, anti-monarchists.
There is a document, however, that can help you weather this. It's an as-yet-unfinished series of books called "A Song of Ice and Fire." Don't worry, you don't have to read it: They made a TV show. Here's the important takeaways for your new life as parents.
1. Life Is Hard, Make More Babies
The average royal family is going to lose a kid or two. Sometimes it's treachery, sometimes it's just inbreeding. The point is, start cranking them out because you're probably gonna lose at least a couple.
2. Baby-Proof Your Castle by Getting Rid of the Gold
Normal people lock cabinets, cover up electrical outlets, and round off sharp corners. You should probably toss all your gold or give it to a museum or something. Because it can be easily melted down and poured over your baby's head.
3. Eat a Horse's Heart
Sure, it's probably just an old wives's tale, but it couldn't hurt, right?
4. Tough Love, Part 1
It can be hard to discipline your child; they came from you, so it can be difficult to even see their flaws. But you've got to do it yourself, because if you leave it to family, it will just lead to resentment. And probably an aversion to Led Zeppelin.
5. Tough Love, Part 2
It's not all slapping and shouting. Sometimes, it's just about showing them the hard realities of royal life. For example, as king, you will have to behead the occasional traitor. Make sure they know the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If they cry, give them a psychic wolf puppy — that'll shut them up for a bit.
6. Skip the Speech Classes
The last king that long-winded speeches worked for was Henry V. Ever since then, they tend to end like this:
7. Choose the Right Name
Arya's good; it has positive associations and can pass as a perfectly normal name. Khaleesi, despite the fact that it means "queen," is a terrible name. Literary references work only when they're not too obvious. Otherwise, you might as well name your kid "Gandalf" or "Star-Bellied Sneech."
8. Stifle Their Curiosity
If they go poking their nose into other people's business, bad things happen.
9. Prepare for Disappointment
Despite your best efforts, sometimes things just don't work out. Do your best, but be ready, on occasion, to watch your son being murdered in front of your eyes and to then be killed yourself. It's rough, but it is one of the hazards of running a kingdom.
10. You're Probably Better Off Just Getting a Pet Dragon
Normal people get dogs; don't stoop to their level.
- Royal Families