The cast of Vanderpump Rules: Stassi Schroeder, Jax Taylor, Katie Maloney, Kristen Doute, Lisa Vanderpump, Tom …
If you're not watching "Vanderpump Rules" this season, you are missing out on some grade-A reality trash.
This shamelessly addictive "Real Housewives" spinoff, which follows the staff at Lisa Vanderpump's "sexy unique" restaurant Sur, is populated by the most compulsively watchable idiots since the early days of "Jersey Shore." (You know, before they became aware of their own D-list celebrity.)
They fight. They sleep with each other. They gossip. They get drunk and say terrible things to their friends. They cheat, and lie about it. In short, they're terrible people.
They're even terrible at their jobs: The opening credits feature queen-bee server Stassi spilling a drink while trying to look hot for the camera. (Hey, somebody paid 13 bucks for that cocktail!)
But who's the most terrible of them all? To prepare ourselves for tonight's sure-to-be-dramatic Season 2 reunion, we're ranking the "Vanderpump" cast in terms of how awful a person they are, from best to worst. And keep in mind: "Best" is a relative term here.
(Note: We're leaving out Peter, Kristina, and the rest of the staff who are smart enough to stay out of the constant drama at Sur. They probably lead healthy and fulfilling lives, which doesn't make for good reality TV.)
How Terrible Is She? Not all that terrible, really. Lisa is the closest thing to an admirable person on "Vanderpump Rules," and a welcome voice of reason.
As Sur's owner, she functions as the exasperated mother hen, trying to teach her staff important life lessons like "Don't swear at your boss and walk off during a shift," or "If you slap your best friend in the face, you should probably apologize."
She does her best to impart some common sense, but that's a losing battle with this bunch:
Lisa does lose some points for continuing to employ these people, even when it's clear they have no interest in doing their jobs even adequately. But compared to the rest of the cast, she's practically a saint.
How Terrible Is She? The newest Sur bartender, Ariana has been an entertaining addition this season, and she dishes out some pretty sweet insults.
But she did make out with Tom Sandoval in a pool in Vegas, which is just gross. Sorry, but anyone who dips their pen in this company's ink is forever tainted. Probably literally, with some sort of rash.
How Terrible Is She? Surprisingly not that terrible! Last season, Stassi and her "Swedish princess" antics would've topped this list easily. But almost everyone else on the show has sunk so low that she actually looks halfway decent by comparison.
She's not as smart as she thinks she is (how smart can she be if she dated Jax?), but we did enjoy watching her manipulative schemes come to fruition this season. And though she can be a major bitch, at least she's funny — like when she reacted to having to hear Scheana's song 44 times on a loop:
And she gave us The Slap, for which we'll forever be grateful.
(Seriously, we could watch that all day.)
How Terrible Is She? Stassi's loyal henchman manages to stay above the fray for the most part, and can even sound downright sensible at times. But she can be a mean drunk, like when she went off on Scheana at Peter's birthday party:
(Try shouting that line out loud in a drunken slur to get the full effect.)
Katie can be a bit of a diva at times, like when she let her relationship issues with Tom Schwartz ruin Stassi's birthday dinner. She blindly follows whatever Stassi says, no matter how outrageous. And seriously, she needs to just pick a hair color and go with it.
How Terrible Is He? Katie's boyfriend seems OK, and we haven't heard anything about him cheating on her. (Which is a big plus in this group.) But he does have an ugly habit of pouring drinks on girls' heads, like he did with Katie during an argument in Cabo:
So he's not exactly a gentleman. And he's a repeat offender: He did the same thing to Stassi during a fight last season. So dude has some weird issues with women and beverages that need to be resolved. We're betting he has hidden layers of douche we have yet to uncover.
How Terrible Is She? We almost feel bad calling Scheana terrible, because she's a sweet person who sticks out like a sore thumb in this pit of vipers.
But dear God, her "singing" "career." She aspires to be a famous pop star, even though she's had no vocal training and can't play an instrument. But hey, she was a cheerleader "up until college"!
She's a Kim Zolciak-level grease fire as a singer, and thinks twerking in tiny shorts on stage is the same as being a recording artist. Which might be true these days, but that doesn't mean we have to condone it.
Plus, she slept with Eddie Cibrian while he was married to Brandi Glanville. No, we can't forget about that. And the spelling of her name is just an abomination.
How Terrible Is He? Now we get to the bottom of the barrel; these last three all cheated on their significant others and lied about it — repeatedly. Tom started out the season admitting to his girlfriend Kristen that he had sex with a VIP hostess in Vegas. (Classy.)
Then he insisted for weeks he never hooked up with Ariana, until he finally broke down and gave us this charming confession:
Tom and Kristen's relationship is almost as painful to watch as Ronnie and Sam's on "Jersey Shore" — just a mess of lies and bitterness and jealousy and more lies. These two deserve each other… just so they don't inflict themselves on anyone else.
How Terrible Is She? Ugh, Kristen. It's bad enough that she slept with Jax, the walking venereal disease. (While her boyfriend Tom was asleep in the next room, mind you.) But she lied about it all season long to her supposed best friend (and Jax's ex), Stassi. She deserved The Slap, for sure.
Not to mention she's the worst Sur employee by far. She acts like she's above waitressing (she isn't), and cursed out her boss Lisa in the premiere. Then she actually demanded that Lisa get rid of Ariana because she didn't trust her boyfriend around her! (While lounging poolside on a vacation in Cabo, no less.)
Who does that? And how did she still have a job after that?
Finally, we will never forgive her for excusing the fact that she stayed with Tom after finding out he cheated by declaring, "It's, like, the Rihanna age." See what stupidity you've justified, Rihanna? Ugh. Just ugh.
But as bad as she is, there's still a huge gap between her and the worst person on "Vanderpump Rules"...
How Terrible Is He? Where do we start? Even his friends call him a human piece of garbage. He's a pathological liar and admitted cheater who slept with his best friend's girlfriend and shows zero remorse about it. What's more, his lies are pathetically transparent because he thinks everyone is as dumb as he is.
His modeling philosophy seems to mirror his life philosophy:
He's 34 years old and hangs out with people in their 20s, which is all kinds of creepy. His career ambitions consist of starting his own sweater line, because… you know, he likes to wear sweaters.
He's a bartender who can't make a decent cocktail to save his life. And he has a mysterious past in Miami he won't talk about, so he may very well be a serial killer for all we know.
Congratulations, Jax: You are the worst of the worst. See you at the reunion!
"Vanderpump Rules" airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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