On September 12, 1983, the animated series "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" premiered and, looking back, it seems as old-fashioned as Ren Faires and horse-drawn carriages. It's a record of a simpler time when the Iron Curtain held strong and the only concern we had about climate change was that COBRA might build a Weather Dominator.
Remember when ruthless terrorist organizations could be easily distinguished by their enormous rotating thrones and shiny metal faces?
Except, of course, when they were busy wearing someone else's face. Go ahead, try and use logic to figure out why Major Bludd was wearing his eyepatch underneath that mask of a scientist — it won't do you any good.
Yes, this hi-tech device looks — and based on the cartoon's description sounds — suspiciously like magic. But you know that it's actually technology because it's powered by radioactive crystals, heavy water and a meteorite. Science!
In the '80s, weapons of mass destruction weren't even a thing. Back then we were worried about three things:
3. Giant robots who could be disabled by spinning them around. Needless to say, this was before Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced us to killer robots who weren't susceptible to schoolyard games.
Back then, the most effective defense against a hail of bullets was to cartwheel directly into the line of fire. Men, of course, may opt for a simple front flip.
Some things never change. Then, as now, when the government gets its gear from the lowest bidder, it can lead to shoddy weaponry and performance anxiety in the field.
And, as always, nothing stops a well-armed enemy combatant like being shoulder blocked, William “The Refrigerator” Perry-style, into a pig pen.