'Game of Thrones' Recap: Hot Tub Time Machine

Robb makes a crucial decision, while Tywin uses his children to cement his position.

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"Game of Thrones" -- "Kissed by Fire"
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Richard Madden in the "Game of Thrones" Season 3 episode, "Kissed by Fire."

The Episode "Kissed By Fire" in a Nutshell:

What happened:

  • Tywin Lannister plots his children's futures
  • Robb Stark metes out justice to one of his bannermen
  • Jon Snow and Ygritte get closer
  • Jaime Lannister reveals his Kingslayer origin story

Body count: 3 important deaths; 1 half-death

Nudity count: 3

Dragon sightings: 0

New people and places: Selyse and Shireen Baratheon, wife and daughter of Stannis

Best line:

"I was told you were drunk, impertinent, and thoroughly debauched. You would imagine my disappointment at finding nothing but a brow-beaten bookkeeper." -- Lady Olenna to TyrionTweet this

What's the deal with… Beric's comebacks from the dead? There must be some terrible side effect.

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Just when you think you know what's happening on "Game of Thrones," you don't. After a few slow, chess-piece-moving episodes, last week's installment maneuvered everyone into intriguing positions -- Tyrion could manipulate the capital's money and regain power, Sansa would marry Loras, Margaery had the upper hand with Joffrey, and so on.

Well, none of that really happened (except for Tyrion kind of figuring out the money thing). As we've already seen, you can't assume anything about this show -- it'll even chop off the head of the main character!

Anything can happen.

Somewhere in the Riverlands: Arya and the Brotherhood Without Banners

The Hound's "trial by combat" begins, and at first, he and Beric seem evenly matched. Plus, Beric has the crowd on his side. Unfortunately, the Hound has amazing skill on his side and he guts Beric. Or so he thinks!

Red priest Thoros (did he go to school with Melisandre or what?) does some kind of voodoo spell thing, which causes Beric to come back from the dead. Apparently, this has happened, like, five or six times before. We've joked about a "Game of Thrones"/"Walking Dead" crossover, but we didn't think it'd actually happen!

[Related: Check Out 'GoT' Photos From Season 3]

Meanwhile, Arya discovers that her buddy Gendry is planning to join the Brotherhood for good. He's finally found people who could be his "family" (if you don't recall, Gendry is the bastard son of King Robert Baratheon and grew up as a smith's apprentice). Arya, wounded and hurt, replies she could be his family.

"You wouldn't be my family, you would be my lady," Gendry points out. And Arya doesn't want to be anybody's lady.

North of the Wall: Jon and Ygritte

Jon is consulting with Tormund and Orell about the defenses at the Wall. They're both very skeptical about what the Crow says, and Jon gets riled up about being questioned. So, Ygritte decides to loosen him up by taking him to the hot spring.

Jon loosens up alright, once he sees her naked. "I don't ever want to leave this place, Jon Snow," Ygritte says. We don't want you to, either!

Harrenhal: Jaime and Brienne

When Locke and crew bring Jaime back, Lord Bolton is not happy that his prisoner's hand was cut off. He orders Brienne released and has a maester look at Jaime's arm.

The two get naked to soak in a hot pool (this seems to be the theme of the night), where Jaime recounts the in-depth story of how he got the name "Kingslayer" -- the Mad King really deserved his name and wanted to torch every person in the city. It's a painful tale for him to tell, and he collapses in Brienne's arms. He asks her to call him Jaime, not Kingslayer. We'll be surprised if these two aren't making like Jon and Ygritte by next episode.

[Related: What's Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Gwendoline Christie Like Off Screen?]

Riverrun: Robb and company

Robb is livid. His bannerman, Lord Karstarck, got his revenge for his dead son by offing the two (insignificant) Lannister boys they held hostage. Both Robb's mother and wife plead for leniency for Karstarck, since he is a major ally, but Robb is too much his father's son -- honor above all -- and chops off Karstarck's head.

But now that he's alienated Karstarck's troops, Robb needs more men for his plan to take Casterly Rock. And the only person he can ask is Lord Frey -- whose daughter he was supposed to marry (oops).

Dragonstone: Stannis and his family

While Melisandre's off doing who knows what, Stannis is paying attention to his actual wife, Selyse, and their daughter, Shireen. Selyse seems brainwashed, telling Stannis that it's totally fine that he's taken up with Melisandre. (And how creepy are those jars of their dead babies?)

Meanwhile, Shireen, whose face is half-diseased, asks her papa about Davos Seaworth, whom she regards as like a favorite uncle. He's a traitor, Stannis tells his sad little girl.

[Related: Meet the New Faces of 'Game of Thrones' Season 3]

Later, she goes to see Davos in his cell to bring him books, but he can't read. Shireen wants to teach him, starting with a story about Aegon Targaryen, the Conquerer.

Outside of Astapor: Daenerys, Jorah, and Barristan

As the Unsullied march along, a selected officer presents himself to Daenerys. His name is "Grey Worm" -- Missandei says they all have names of vermin. Disgusted, Dany requests that they select new names, ones that give them pride. But Grey Worm says he is proud of his name and considers it lucky, because it's the one he had when she set them free.

[Related: Emilia Clarke Was Not the First Choice to Play Daenerys Targaryen on 'Game of Thrones']

Meanwhile, Jorah and Barristan are warily circling each other. Barristan is glad to finally serve a monarch he can believe in, but Jorah is dubious about the newcomer's intentions. "You're not lord commander here," Jorah snaps. He only takes direction from the queen.

King's Landing: The Lannisters and Tyrells

Yes! We finally get the Tyrion/Lady Olenna battle of the wits that we've been waiting for since she first rolled her eyes onscreen. He's trying to reduce the cost of the extravagant royal wedding. "I was told you were drunk, impertinent, and thoroughly debauched. You would imagine my disappointment at finding nothing but a brow-beaten bookkeeper." Point, Lady Olenna. Still, she agrees to pay for half of the wedding. Point, Tyrion.

[Related: Dame Diana Rigg Brings Snarky Fire to 'Game of Thrones']

Sansa and Margaery are watching Loras practicing the sword, and the former wonders when she can marry her dreamy (totally gay) knight. Marge assures her that once she's queen, she'll make it happen.

[Related: Sophie Turner and Natalie Dormer on Their Characters' Growing Friendship]

Littlefinger finds out what the Tyrells are plotting and goes to see Sansa. He asks if she still wants to go home with him, but she says it's "too dangerous" now for both of them.

Cersei, who's still desperately trying to hold onto Joffrey as her only path to power, is dead set on getting rid of the Tyrells. She tells her father about the Tyrells' plan for Sansa, and Tywin decides on one of his own: Tyrion will marry Sansa to secure the North. "She's a child!" Tyrion protests. "You wanted to be rewarded for your valor in battle," Tywin barks. Cersei looks smug, but not for long -- the patriarch orders Cersei to marry Loras, to secure Highgarden!

For once, Cersei and Tyrion are united ... in misery.

Watch a preview of the next episode:

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"Game of Thrones" airs Sundays at 9 PM on HBO.

 

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