'The Bachelorette' Recap: Yodelayheehoo!

Desiree goes on her first two-on-one date and says goodbye to a front-runner.

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"The Bachelorette" - Episode 905
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Desiree takes seven men on a group date to the German Alps. They ride in a gondola to the highest peak in all of Germany. They're taught how to yodel, with the Bachelorette enjoying their antics. The group has a blast as they sled down a black diamond ski slope. What awaits them is a spectacular igloo hotel totally carved out of snow and ice. As Zak and Drew profess their love for Desiree, James and Brooks go all out in a ferocious battle, on "The Bachelorette."

Front-runners on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" are like cupcakes: They're sweet, fulfilling … and don't last very long.

Ben's been a front-runner on Desiree's season since his little boy stepped out of the limo. But he's also been a target for the other guys. And those two conflicting viewpoints collide on Desiree's first two-on-one date of the season, which (of course) pairs Ben up with nemesis Michael G.

[Related: 'The Bachelor's' Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison Debut New Dating App]

But we have to give Des a lot of credit here, because we thought we knew how the date would play out. We've always said that Rule No. 1 of "The Bachelor/ette" franchise was, "Never talk about the other guys/girls. Never ever ever ever ever." Well, Des, after umpteen seasons, you've proved us wrong.

Prost!

Ich Bin Ein Municher

And now we come to the "Romantic Wintery Destination" portion of the season (very different from the "Romantic Caribbean-y Destination" part). We fully expect snowball fights, hot tubs, and ice/heat metaphors — and we get all them all!

Desiree's first one-on-one this week is with Chris, whom we totally love and hope ends up as her husband. Not to be superbiased or anything. But come on, they're equally cute and quirky and weird, and if you can't see they belong together, then go watch "Big Brother." Go.

But her adorable date is ruined by someone we once rooted for — Bryden. He's gone from supernice Army superhero to superannoying d-bag. Last week, we thought he was just having a case of the "Bachelorette" nerves. Now, he's spouting "I'm not feeling what I should be" BS.

Anyway, Bryden crashes their date and informs Des that he's just not that into her and that he's leaving. What a rick in a pox (make letter substitutions as you see fit). Of course, this causes Des to feel upset and insecure. But luckily, she was on a date with Chris, hereafter known as Super Chris.

[Related: NeNe Leakes Remarries Gregg Leakes!]

Super Chris gently asks her how she's feeling. Super Chris then reads her a poem that he wrote himself about how awesome she is. Super Chris makes Des feel like the fairy tale princess that she is. Super Chris saves the day. And in return, Des gives him a rose. If she hadn't, we would've sent him every rose alive in the United States today.

Ice, Ice, Baby

Time for the group date! Des takes Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey up in a gondola and down a mountain. In between, they take yodeling tips from an ancient mountain man (totally the next Bachelor, y'all!). Juan Pablo even gets a confessional. Let's repeat: Juan Pablo actually speaks. To the camera. And he can yodel. Our minds are blown, too.

Watch this unaired scene of Des and Drew:

 

Everyone wants time alone with Des. Brooks makes out with her in the little ice cave hotel. She and Mikey talk about Chicago. Zak woos her by trumpeting across the ice. James also makes out with her in an icy alcove. In the end, she gives the rose to … Brooks! We can't help but wonder if that hair ever got any icicles.

And by the way, it seems like James is becoming the new Ben. Everybody hates him, even Hair Boy (aka Brooks). And considering Hair Boy seems to not have a care in this world, if Hair Boy hates anybody, it's pretty darn meaningful.

Hot Tug Time Machine

People, we have seen the future — and the future is the hot tug.

On Desiree's two-on-one date with Ben and Michael (aka the two guys who hate each other the most), she tricks them into thinking they have to do a polar bear plunge. Nope! Why get cold when you can get very, very hot? Time to bring in the hot tug!

[Related: Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from Season 9, Ep. 5 of 'The Bachelorette']

A hot tug is exactly what it sounds like: a slow-moving boat that is pretty much a hot tub. Yep, it exists (or at least, ABC made it up) and it looks awesome. We want to go on it.

Anyway, Michael is making every mistake in the "Bachelor/ette" book, including Rule No 1.: Never talk about other contestants. Never. Ever. Ever. Evvvvvvver. It hasn't turned out well once in the history of this franchise.

Ben's not really helping his image at all on this date, either. He's evasive and defensive, even stalking off after Michael burns him about not attending Easter services recently.

At first, it seems like Des tries to comfort and calm him down. We're totally ready to excoriate her … and then she gives the rose to Michael.

WTF? Michael gets away with breaking Rule No. 1? Maybe Rule No. 1 isn't even a rule anymore? Is the "Bachelor/ette" even real anymore? Our heads are spinning.

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Rose Ceremony

Right, so … there isn't one. Des pulls the usual "I've made my final decision and I don't want to make stupid cocktail party chatter with one of you anymore" line. Good for her — she's the Bachelorette and she should do what she wants.

[Related: 'The Bachelorette's' Chris Harrison: Ben's Exit Released the Tension in the House]

Instead, Des has a heart-to-heart with her therapist, aka Chris Harrison. Even though she is the lead on the show, she still feels insecure with the guys. Yeah, Chris points out, what if one of the guys at the end pulls out like Bryden? (As if this has ever happened in "Bachelor/ette" history.)

When the ceremony starts, Chris, Brooks, and Michael have roses. She then hands out roses to Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo, Drew, and James.

That leaves out our resident meathead, Mikey T. Her decision also doesn't make the other guys happy — now that Ben's gone, they want James outta there.

"James is a cancer," Drew declares.

Des walks Mikey out, but he doesn't really want to hear anything. Sad Des returns to the others and informs they're heading to Barcelona. If anything can turn her frown upside down, that city can!

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"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 PM on ABC.

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