#Winning: CBS Execs Come Out Swinging at the Network's Upfront

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If you think you can go around bullying CBS just because its audience is old and knows what "NCIS" stands for and it makes more money than you, well, think again, buddy.

CBS President Les Moonves borrowed a line (as in words, not cocaine!) from his former employee Charlie Sheen in his retaliation speech ... er, upfront speech: "We're very flattered when he [Jimmy Kimmel] called us 'smug motherf------,' that means we're winning. We'll try to be a little bit more gracious, but that's hard for me, as you know... And ABC will finish No. 4 in 18-49." To ABC: "If your late-night guy is the funniest you have, keep him there as long as you can."

[Related: Jimmy Kimmel Roasts the Competition at ABC Upfront]

Yikes! CBS head of scheduling Kelly Kahl was next up to the mike, and here are his coldest comebacks, as selected by Deadline.com:

Word is that ABC is launching a new Tuesday.

Kahl sniffs: "As you know, that almost always works."

Popular nerd-fest "The Big Bang Theory" versus NBC critical darling/ratings outcast "Parks and Recreation."

Kahl deadpans: "The [ratings] difference between the two alone would be a top 10 show."

So, Fox Jr. has a show called "Junior MasterChef."

Kahl's got another name for that: "We call it 'Kids With Knives.'"

ABC claims to have the "No. 1 brand in 18-49."

Kahl shrugs: "Not sure what that means; we are the No. 1 network in 18-49."

Kimmel says CBS is "smug."

Kahl calmly attempts to resolve the obvious misunderstanding: "We're not smug at all, we're hungry." Like, duh.

[Related: See Which New Shows Are Joining the CBS Lineup This Fall]

Seriously, though, with the cattiness and the name-calling, these networks better wait a while before rolling out ant-bullying promos.

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