That's the way to sum up this week's episode of "The Bachelorette," where secrets were kept, kisses were stolen, and rose ceremonies were interrupted. And this week's big "scandal"? Not even caught on tape!
Welcome to Prague, Czech Republic, where Emily Maynard and her six boyfriends are ready to take a cruise down the Vltava River, check out the Lennon Wall of Love, and explore medieval castles and dungeons. But the awkward moments outshine even the glammiest of dates. Here's what happened!
Awkward Moment #1: That Moment When You Find Out Your Producer Used to Date Your Boyfriend.
Arie is on cloud nine and clueless, revealing that he's "fallen in love with Emily after a few dates." Too bad she knows a secret about him that he doesn't know she knows. Yes, as was heavily promoted in the promos, Arie used to date Emily's "Bachelorette" producer, Cassie Lambert. No one bothered to fill Em in on this until she was already smitten with the race car driver, and now she's ticked. Cut to a taped Chris Harrison spiel and a weird exchange between Emily and an off-camera Cassie in which the producer totally downplays her past relationship with Arie, which was eons ago and apparently over in a blink of an eye. Em is clearly annoyed ("Like, if he's okay with hiding that he even knows you, much less dated you, what the f--- else is he hiding?"), but her mission is to find out if Arie will come clean to her when prompted. Emily prods him with questions like "Do you think you're a trustworthy guy?" and then grills him about having secrets. Arie's big reveal? "Do you want me to be honest with you?" he confesses. "I had a tattoo of a girl's name on me, but I got it covered up." In the end, the whole Emily/Arie/Cassie love triangle is wrapped up neatly and conveniently off camera, so we never see the true awkwardness of it -- and dude ends up with a rose at the end of the show anyway.
Awkward Moment #2: That Moment When You Steal a Kiss As You're Being Dumped.
Poor Doug. He misses his son Austin bad, his body language is bad, and he's on thin ice with Em for being a slow mover. A group date at a medieval castle with two other guys is sure to help things out, right? Too bad Doug uses his alone time with Emily to sit with his arms crossed in the castle, waiting for her to give him those "Hey you big dummy, come and give me a kiss! eyes" -- which never happens. So when Em tries to let him down easy, he moves in while she's mid-sentence for the most awkward kiss in "Bachelorette" history. "Thank you for that," she says, without missing a beat as she continues his dumping. "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss," he says on his way out the door. And we feel even stupider for watching it.
Awkward Moment #3: That Moment When You Act Out Your Romance With Marionettes.
Jef with one F is lucky enough to get a one-on-one date with Emily, and he milks every second out of it. He gets right into the married with children talk, agreeing with Emily that he wants kids "yesterday" and jumping ahead to next week's hometown dates and how his parents won't be around but most of his siblings will. And while Jef's talk of Christmases future and how he longs to be "the fun dad" is cute and all, did we have to see him and Emily act out their courtship with a bunch of creepy marionettes? Jef will take the rose, but please keep the stringy Michael Jackson marionette at the Strahov Library. Thanks.
Awkward Moment # 4: That Moment When You Interrupt a Rose Ceremony.
Chris has been spewing nervous energy all episode. He's sick of sharing Emily with the other guys and since he doesn't get a one-on-one date this week, he'll just stew about it. His little bit of alone time with Em on the group date is wasted by him complaining that he didn't get a one on one, and he's starting to show his immaturity. So how does Chris remedy his childish ways? Well, there's no cocktail party this week -- Emily has already made up her mind as to who she's sending home -- so he can't make amends over drinks. Instead, he just interrupts the rose ceremony. When Harrison announces "It's the final rose tonight," Chris busts in with, "Emily, I'm sorry but, uh, I really, I really need to talk to you." As the other guys' jaws drop, Chris takes her aside and apologizes for acting "like a boy yesterday." He vows: "I'm ready to be the man that you deserve." Does it work? See Awkward Moment #5.
Awkward Moment # 5: That Moment When You Get Knocked Out of the Park.
John, aka Wolf, has been confident all episode. His date with Emily at the Lennon Wall of Love goes swimmingly, and his slow moving ways are explained (his ex turned off her phone for three days while she cheated on him with some doctor dude). Past heartbreaks aside, John thinks he "knocked it out of the park" on his one on one with Emily. "Chris should be nervous," he boasts. "My date was phenomenal. I feel extremely confident that I'm going to get a rose." But alas, it's the manly Chris who gets the rose once the magnetic pinning ritual gets back on track. See what few mid-ceremony stolen moments can do?
The next episode of "The Bachelorette" airs on Monday night at 8/7c on ABC.
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