After producers hooked her up with a baby blue Bentley, "The Bachelorette" star declared, "I'm ready to meet my Prince Charming!" But how many frogs will Des have to weed through before she gets to her handsome prince? Based on Monday night's opener, she's got a swamp full!
The freaks come out at nightWhen you're competing against 24 other guys to win a girl's heart, you need to do something to make yourself stand out, right? Well, let the gimmicks begin! Brad came bearing a wishbone ("I hope your wish comes true," he told Des, after letting her pull off the bigger half), while Michael G. took her on a stroll to the fountain to look for her long lost penny from last season.
Zack W. likes to work out, and he has the muscles to prove it. The 31-year-old drilling fluid engineer left his shirt at home for opening night, then gallantly asked Des, "Will you accept these abs?" (Spoiler alert: She did.) Later, Zak stripped down to his Calvins and jumped in the pool... mid-party. Yeah, expect a lot of skin this season.
The cheesiness factor went up a notch, when 27-year-old mortgage broker, Chris, got down on one knee and popped this question to Desiree: "Will you….mind if I tie my shoe?" Ugh! And if that wasn't corny enough, he added, "I just want to get off on the right foot."
And meet Kasey, the hashtag king. Yes, this guy was spewing hashtags like it was his job. #theperfectbachelorette. #marriagematerial. #letthejourneybegin. (Can you say #thiswillgetoldreallyfast?)
What's the quickest way to make a bachelor disappear? Turn up in a tacky plaid jacket and do magic tricks. Custom clothier/magician Nick Roy learned that lesson the hard way after Des sent him packing before he could even pull out his rabbit. Looks like she's the magician now!
Micah turned up in his own designer suit -- a really bad one -- in a nod to Des's profession as a bridal designer. While Micah's self-made suit with the patchwork "Designed By This Guy" on the back didn't quite cut it, his get-up was better than Diogo's. The Brazilian marketing manager exited the limo donning a clunky suit of armor. "Welcome to Medieval times!" one of his competitors quipped.
And then there was Larry. The bespectacled ER doc practiced this move 50 times before trying it out on Des, but unfortunately, it was an epic fail. As he showcased his dance moves, he went in for the dip and inadvertently got all tangled in Des's sparkly long gown, causing it to rip. (Note: Did Larry get his reality shows mixed up? This isn't "Dancing With the Stars!") The end result: This dancing fool didn't make it past the opening night cocktail party.
An indecent proposalJonathan, a 26-year-old lawyer, thought he was being clever by handing Des an envelope with an invitation to "The Bachelorette" fantasy suite. He even included a key that we're pretty sure wasn't approved by Chris Harrison. So how did Des react to his presumptuous proposition?
"I'm not that kind of girl!" she said.
Later, Jonathan became a pseudo stalker as he tried to corner the pretty brunette and coerce her into taking him up on his offer. Des told him, "You're making me feel very uncomfortable," before booting him from her lineup before the rose ceremony.
"I think I'm a pretty good catch," Jonathan said. "I think I'm pretty fun. My mom says I'm good looking. My love tank has not been depleted in years." Hashtag Kasey chimed in with "#fantasysuite fail."
Husband materialOf course, this show does have an end game (love and marriage, anyone?), so there were a few gems in this mix of men. Venezuelan hunk Juan Pablo gave Des an impromptu soccer lesson, while painting contractor Brandon rode up on his motorcycle, which seemed to give her a thrill. But 28-year-old single dad, Ben, turned up with the greatest opening night accessory ever.
When the limo door opened, out popped 4-year-old Brody, who introduced himself to Des before making way for his dad. Ben explained to Des. "This is my everything, and I wanted you to know who I am from day one." Awwwww....
Suffice it to say, Ben melted Des's heart and got the first impression rose to boot. "He's husband material," she said.
Still, with this batch of kooky bachelors to sort through, girlfriend's definitely got her work cut out for her this season. #Somanyrosessolittletime.
"The Bachelorette" Season 9 airs on Mondays at 8 PM on ABC.
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