Creepy introduction: superfans mix up the season 3 opener of "Bachelor Pad"

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Welcome to Season 3 of "Bachelor Pad" -- where spurned men and women from past seasons of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" go to extend their 15 minutes of fame into a summer of sex and scandal. These are some of the most "memorable and controversial" (that is, awful) people to ever grace the steps of the show's heavily trafficked mansion. The contestants will compete for a quarter of a million dollars -- and for one another's affection/bodies.

This season has a twist: Six "superfans" will join the cast as contestants with an equal chance of winning the money and breaking a few hearts.


Meet the Cast

Some of the more infamous contestants were showcased in a special intro segment, and Chris from Emily's season was first up. Chris -- though probably too nice to be on this show -- has revealed a nasty streak, and he'll undoubtedly use it to his advantage at the Pad. He expressed an interest in Lindzi, who had been dumped by Ben in favor of the despised Courtney.

The rivalry between Reid and Ed started when Reid returned to Jillian Harris's season to beg for Jillian's heart despite having been sent home. Ed won her love in the end, only to have the relationship end due to his infidelity. "I wasn't prepared to be in a serious relationship at that point," Ed said. Sounds like he would have been a better fit for "Bachelor Pad" to begin with.

Blakely still prides herself on being "assertive and blunt" -- the same attitude that got her into trouble with the other womenon Ben's season. She said that she looks forward to seeing her friend Jaclyn, but it quickly became clear that Jaclyn wants nothing to do with her.

America loves to hate Kalon, and it was clear that he'd be milking that for all it's worth. "Everyone loves a bad guy," he bragged. "Guess what, America -- your favorite villain is back on "Bachelor Pad," and I'm going to ruin your f***ing summer." If anyone can, it's him.

Next we got to meet the fans, starting with Paige, who showed bad judgment off the bat by picking Chris as her ideal partner. Fan No. 2 was Chris "SWAT," a macho SWAT officer with a throbbing vein in his forehead and a secret penchant for unwinding after work with "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette."

Donna is a voluptuous attention seeker who insisted, "I am made for the 'Bachelor Pad.'" She's got a hot body, a thirst for competition, and a huge crush on Michael, last season's winner. "We're definitely hooking up, no doubt about it."

Then there was David, who, like Chris, had his eye on Lindzi. He's an MMA fighter who "goes in there to win," and he's in it for the money.

Finally, we were introduced to the identical twins, Brittany and Erica. They're a pair of bubbly blondes who finish each other's sentences but are essentially very different -- tame Erica is a virgin and wild child Brittany is "definitely not." They will go into the Pad as a team and count as one person in everything. Everything.



The Arrivals

Drama was unveiled as the contestants began to trickle into the mansion. Chris, Lindzi, and Ed were first, followed by Nick from Ashley's season (we don't remember him either). Rachel from Brad's second season was next, which made Lindzi visibly upset. Sarah from Brad's first season and Ryan from DeAnna's season were another two that were hard to recall (although Ryan is a 32-year-old virgin teetotaler ,which should make things interesting for him in this pit of debauchery).

Reid and Ed filed in one after the other, immediately creating competitive tension. Jaclyn began earning her keep as soon as she arrived by rallying people against Blakely in advance. Tony from Emily's season pulled up to the mansion right before Blakely herself, who was given a fake, venom-tinged welcome from Jaclyn and Rachel.

Sweet, awkward Jamie from Ben's season, Michael, the notorious Erica Rose, and villainous Kalon were next. Kalon rolled up in an ostentatious Porsche and was immediately confronted by Erica Rose, who demandedthat he stop criticizing her appearance. Erica Rose had recently sold information about him to a Houston tabloid, making them insta-enemies.

The veterans were less than welcoming toward the fan contestants, whom they viewed as undeserving interlopers (Erica Rose seemed to consider them essentially subhuman). Donna, Chris "SWAT," and Paige all drooled over Chris Harrison before entering, and David made an effort to be friendly. But it was the twins who made the biggest splash, enraging all the show's veterans with their gimmickyness. "There's only room for one set of twins in this house," Erica Rose drawled, patting her breasts. "And it's not those girls." The one-liner queen is back.

 

Coupling Up

Chris Harrison interrupted the binge drinking that followed the arrivals with a bombshell announcement: Partners for the next day's challenge would be chosen that night. Everyone scrambled to pair up advantageously, but Jaclyn ended up with the short straw: Ed, who had promptly gotten wasted, removed almost all his clothing, and was bellowing incoherently in the hot tub.

 

The First Competition

Two roses were at stake in the first competition of the season -- one for each person in the winning couple, who would also receive immunity from elimination. The challenge: Each couple clambered into a giant hollow heart suspended high above the ground and hung on for dear life as Chris Harrison sadistically tipped them back and forth. The first person to fall got an automatic vote against both members of the team at the rose ceremony -- something to be avoided at all costs. The twins alternate doing challenges, and it was Brittany's turn to show her stuff.

Erica Rose and Nick were the first to tumble to the ground, followed in short order by most of the other contestants. Page & Reid and Brittany & David were the holdouts, and in an outcome that upset all the veteran competitors, Brittany & David, both fans, hung on until the end. The twins rejoiced, but seemed oblivious as to how crucial the win had been -- most of the annoyed veterans wanted them GONE, like, yesterday. 

David and the twins were rewarded with a fantasy date that re-created a few of their favorite "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" moments -- including, at Brittany's prodding, the skinny-dipping scene from Ben's season.

Back at the Pad, Jamie pulled Chris into a private room and sat him down on a bed to get to know him better. Their conversation rapidly devolved into the season's first make-out session -- but unfortunately for the newly minted couple, crazy Blakely (who had partnered up with Chris) caught wind of the situation and burst in on them with Jaclyn's help. Blakely chewed Jamie out, despite Chris's protests that they'd done nothing wrong. Blakely wept and said that she felt disrespected and betrayed. It quickly dawned on Chris that he'd picked the wrong girl to team up with.


The Backstabbing Starts

As voting time approached, David gathered the other fans together in an alliance against the veteran contestants. In move that was universally viewed as idiotic, he revealed his entire plan of attack to Erica Rose, who was also the target. Erica Rose flew off the handle, threatening to rally her forces against Chris "SWAT" and calling David (who, remember, was immune to elimination) an ugly loser.

Chris "SWAT" was irate to find himself on the chopping block as a result of David's fumble. He scrambled to turn the tide, but even 10 years of watching the shows couldn't give him the savvy he needed to pull that off.

Meanwhile, Paige was realizing that most of the men had selected her as the target, solely because of her status as a fan. Hopeful for a romance with her partner, Reid, she was desperate to avoid the chopping block, and Reid promised to help save her. He launched a campaign to try to get the other men to change their minds and vote for Erica Rose, but his only luck seemed to be with Kalon, who had despised Erica Rose from the beginning. Yet Kalon was merely telling everyone what he or she wanted to hear, so his vote was anybody's bet. The other wild card was Chris "SWAT," who was considering punishing David by voting off Paige and thwarting his plan.

 

The First Rose Ceremony

Everyone knew it was down to Paige or Erica Rose for the women, and Nick and Chris "SWAT" for the men, so nobody else seemed surprised to receive one of the roses, which were doled out by David and the twins.

Then Nick got a rose, which meant poor Chris "SWAT" was out. Erica Rose's name was called next, and Paige's face fell. What a sad day -- two out of six fans sent home, and Erica Rose left to stir up trouble for another episode.

Chris "SWAT" and Paige were devastated to be going home, but Paige was especially sad to have lost her chance to get to know Reid better. It's probably for the best -- both she and Chris "SWAT" seemed too naive and wholesome for the den of decadent iniquity that is "Bachelor Pad." 

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