Glee Recap: 'That Was the Most Sacrilegious and Profane Horror Show I Have Ever Seen' [Updated]

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A ripped, waxed bisexual Santa with an appetite for hot, buttered rum and grand larceny. A Supremes tribute featuring a sequined and pregnant transgendered student birthing out the Messiah — to the beat of “Love Child.” A living nativity kicked off with the announcement, “Virgin in the house, bitches!”

Nope, Glee‘s “Previously Unaired Christmas” wasn’t exactly traditional — and in some corners might be labeled blasphemous — but would you forgive me if I admitted to a couple of genuine belly laughs during the whole crazy, probably misguided hour?

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For those of you too busy waiting for a no-show mall Kris Kringle, here’s what you missed:

* Jane Lynch — stuffing her Emmy rivals’ stockings with coal — introduced the hour as a lost episode previously called “Rough Trade Santa” that was rejected by Fox in 2012, then recut and trimmed to make it palatable for 2013.

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* Rachel, Santana and Kurt scored jobs as elves at the Midtown Mall, but when their Santa colleague turned out to be a drunken mess, they were easily sucked in by a sexy, shirtless substitute (Popular‘s Bryce Johnson, who apparently has unlocked the secret to not aging one single bit over the course of a decade) who charmed his way into a dinner invite, some drunken tree-trimming, a makeout session with Kurt, and finally, a robbery of all of the Lima transplants’ holiday booty. The sight of a hogtied Kurt in reindeer headgear was darker than the show tried to play it, but the hour ended with all three robbery victims singing carols in a Bergdorf-Goodman window. Glamorous!

* Tina made it her obsession to have New Directions win a Christmas tree decoration contest with the prize of a lucky angel figurine. The show choir kids — adhering to a “green” theme — pulled out the win, but ultimately gave the prize to frenemy Becky Jackson, who wanted the statuette desperately, even if her own tree turned out to be “a bag of diapers.”

* There was also a contest to play Mary in a living nativity, a role that went to virginal Marley, until she realized hard-edged Kitty really coveted it. “I’m a Christian and I know what it means to have the holy spirit in your heart,” Kitty cried — noting she just wasn’t up for the task. Marley, Unique and Tina teamed up for the aforementioned Supremes tribute, though, in an effort to make Kitty crazy enough to snag the role she was too embarrassed to admit she coveted. (“That Was the Most Sacrilegious and Profane Horror Show I Have Ever Seen!” yelled the bitchiest Cheerio of 2012.) The plan worked — and with Becky frighteningly adding her own head to top off a Baby Jesus figure — the full Nativity blossomed on a snowy winter’s night.

Episode’s Best Zingers
“Shut up, Blaine!” –Everyone in New Directions shutting down the former Warbler’s rendition of “Joy to the World”

“Now you can relive all your Jeffrey Dahmer fantasies in the privacy of your own home.” –Santana, giving Kurt a “styling head” figure for his Christmas gift

“I’m sure it’s covered with condoms and dental dams and suicide-hotline pamphlets and at-home sex-change kits.” –Sue, envisioning the New Directions’ tree

“Why don’t we get you an iPad: You can’t even get porn on whatever you just asked me for.” –Santana, crossing about a dozen boundaries while hearing kids’ Christmas wish lists as Mrs. Claus

“Virgin in the house, bitches!” –Kitty, arriving in full Mary regalia for the Living Nativity

Grades for the Episode’s Musical Numbers
Kurt, Rachel and Santana, “Here Comes Santa Claus” — Grade: B+ | A cute, candy-colored set piece, but forgive me for craving something on par with Rachel’s “O Holy Night.”

New Directions, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” — Grade: C+ | Too much sugar, not enough rum in the egg nog, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Unique, Tina and Marley, “Mary’s Boy Child” — Grade: B+ | A fun and unexpected number, but for the love of all that’s holy, would Tina and Marley really have worn leotards that skimpy to audition for the role of the Virgin Mary? Maybe if this was a “Single Ladies” Xmas Pageant.

Kurt, Rachel, Santana and “Cody,” “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)” — Grade: N/A | I can’t properly score a lipsych to Alvin & The Chipmunks, but I’ll admit I giggled watching the former Lima residents flirt and frolic with a dude clearly casing out their pad. Over the top? Sure. But that was kinda the point.

Unique, Marley and Tina, “Love Child” — Grade: A | So wrong, and yet so right!

Rachel, Kurt, Santana and New Directions, “Away in a Manger” — Grade: B- | Call me Scrooge, but I’ve grown tired of musical numbers that get split between the Lima and NYC. Pick one, and then focus, people!

What did you think of “Previously Unaired Christmas”? Sound off in the comments!

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