Jimmy Kimmel's Best Jokes From ABC Upfront

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FILE - This July 24, 2012 photo released by ABC shows Jimmy Kimmel hosting his late night show "Jimmy Kimmel Live," in the Hollywood section of Los Angeles. Kimmel's show finished third in viewership, Thursday, Jan. 10, 2013, but first in the youthful demographic ABC seeks. (AP Photo/ABC, Randy Holmes, File)
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FILE - This July 24, 2012 photo released by ABC shows Jimmy Kimmel hosting his late night show "Jimmy …

We know by now that Jimmy Kimmel knows how to work a room. He works our living rooms five nights a week as the host of his own talk show; he killed at the Emmys last year; and we're sure that more than a few celebrities choked on their dinner rolls because of his immaculate timing at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

So it's no surprise that Jimmy's monologue at the ABC upfront presentation in New York on Tuesday is worthy of a copy and paste and a series of serious laughs. Our favorite quips:

Jimmy has new and more accurate definitions of upfronts:

"It's time to stop calling this an upfront and start calling it what it really is: Throwing a bunch of s--- at a wall to see what sticks. And guess what, you guys are the wall."

[Related: See Which New Shows Are Joining the ABC Lineup This Fall

"This process is very similar to going to a strip club. We parade out the girls which are the shows to get you excited, and then spend the rest of the night trying to get your money, and tomorrow you have herpes."

Jimmy shared his deepest feelings about NBC late night:

"NBC, as you know, is replacing Jay Leno as host of 'The Tonight Show.' They did a lot of research and they found that by being No. 1 in his time slot, he was embarrassing their other shows so they had to get rid of him. Jimmy Fallon will replace him. You know, a lot of people still confuse me with Jimmy Fallon. Here's an easy way to remember which of us is which: He's the one who sings and plays the guitar; I'm the one who comes here every year and calls you a-------."

[Related: Seth Meyers Taking Over 'Late Night' From Jimmy Fallon]

He's passionate about language barriers:

"NBC actually finished behind Univision this year, and they have an interesting strategy for next year. Their strategy for next year is to oppose immigration reform. By the way, how does it work at the Univision upfront? Do they lie to you in Spanish?"

Jimmy loves Fox:

"With the exception of the problems they're having with 'American Idol,' there's a lot to like about their new schedule. Of course, with the exception of the hole in the side of the boat there was a lot to like about the Titanic, too."

[Related: See Which New Shows Are Joining the Fox Lineup This Fall]

And he loves CBS:

"Les Moonves told CNBC that jokes about CBS skewing old are 'over.' Sorry, Les, but those jokes aren't over till my grandma throws away her 'Mentalist' hemorrhoid doughnut."

He is deeply concerned for young viewers and their, um, habits:

"It's been difficult for young viewers who watch online to embrace traditional content because so many of them are masturbating, but we are very excited about our app which lets you watch live content on your tablet or mobile phone. Now you need never miss your favorite ABC shows just because you're driving again."

He totally understands "The Bachelor":

"'The Bachelor' is still going strong. 'The Bachelor,' of course, is a show based on the theory that one in 25 hairstylists is your soul mate."

  [Related: Meet the 25 Men Vying for Desiree Hartsock's Heart on 'The Bachelorette']

He knows how to finish on a high note:

"But the thing that's important to remember is that last year NBC made a show starring a monkey and a lot of you bought advertising on it. So clearly none of us have any idea what we're doing. As the old saying goes, you can't polish a turd, but you can buy $100 million in ad time on it. So let's do that. Let's go in on a turd together. Thank you for your time. I look forward to seeing you next year, and I return you now to Harry Potter."

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