As the stir over last year's "Mermaids: The Body Found" and this past Sunday's "Mermaids: The New Evidence" on Animal Planet proved, fish people are hot. Mermaids aren't just for hallucinating sailors anymore.
But what is it that these scurvy-and-rickets-addled men know that we don't? Why are mermaids poised to take over from the current supernatural heavyweights as the reigning queens of television?
1. All-ages appeal.
Young and old alike love mermaids. Little girls like them because mermaids are princesses of the sea.
Old men like them because they're frequently topless.
Please, Ms. Hannah, we're just doing ADR for 'Kill Bill.'
2. Mermaids handle sadness better.Vampires cry blood tears, which makes them look like an '80s televangelist who didn't know when to lay off the mascara.
Mermaids get singing lobsters and schools of fish to do Busby Berkeley choreography for them.
3. Their songs make sense.
When Flight of the Conchords sings about mermaids, it's a song about mermaids:When the Cranberries sing about zombies, it's a metaphor for Ireland or war or something, kids dying, a guy with a gun. The point is, it's not a song about zombies.
4. Their fans are more productive.
Fans of vampires spend hours a day getting ready to go outside:
When fans of mermaids spend hours a day getting ready, what they're getting ready for is the Olympics:
5. Even their obsessed fans are cuter.
When people go cuckoo bananas for mermaids, they're adorable:
When people go cuckoo bananas for the undead, they become serial killers:
Here is "L&O" alum Richard Belzer as a vampire, just because.
We can't unsee it, and now, neither can you.
Once again — adorable:
6. The people who fall in love with them.
Here's who falls in love with mermaids — heroes:
Also astronauts, FedEx deliverymen, and Santa Claus.
People who fall in love with vampires (and werewolves and probably genies if the series had gone on long enough) are often in danger of consuming their own faces:
7. Because this just doesn't make sense.
8. She already owns your soul.
You're not going to drink coffee from this guy, are you?
Long live the mermaid!