"Two & a Half Men" Best Charlie Harper Quotes of Season 8

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Charlie Sheen has been in hot water lately but he still portrays one of the best quote machines on network television as Charlie Harper. Charlie Harper deals with all of life's problems by making light of them with some of the most outrageous off the cuff remarks that only his character could get away with. The following are the ten best quotes provided by the character Charlie Harper

Season 8 Episode 14: "Looking for Japanese Subs"

Episode 14 of season eight contained several story lines. One story line involved Alan's son who becomes fascinated by "Jackass" style stunts. This prompts the following question and the typical Charlie Harper punchline.

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?

Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.

Season 8 Episode 13: "Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup"

Charlie Harper is known for his womanizing and most of his best quotes center on this fact. Charlie reminisces with Alan about a girlfriend of Alan's that Charlie had his way with.

Charlie: Wow, you really missed the signals.

Alan: What signals?

Charlie: For me it was her taking off her sweater and saying, "Quick do me before Alan gets back from his trumpet lesson."

Season 8 Episode 12: "Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead"

Charlie's womanizing ways are once again highlighted in this exchange at a bar. Charlie is talking to a woman that is commiserating with him about her terrible boyfriend when she realizes after talking to Charlie her boyfriend isn't all that bad.

Girl in Bar: Thank you.

Charlie: For what?

Girl in Bar: I came in here tonight because I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend, but after listening to you, I realize I was unfair to him. There is something below pig.

Charlie: Well, glad I could help.

Season 8 Episode 12: "Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead"

Many of the quotes spewed by Charlie Harper are along the lines of life imitating art. Charlie discusses the virtues of treating alcoholic rich friends nicely.

Charlie: He's an alcoholic with a lot of money. There's nothing you can do about people like that. The best you can do is be nice to them so you can inherit their house when they crap out their liver.

Season 8 Episode 11: "Dead from the Waist Down"

Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?

Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?

Season 8 Episode 10: "Ow, Ow Don't Stop"

Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.

Alan: Red or black?

Charlie: Double zero.

Alan: What color is that?

Charlie: Ass cheeks.

Season 8 Episode 9: "A Good Time in Central Africa"

Charlie is unafraid to expose his past as a world traveler and this exchange between he and brother Alan shows the important nuances of learning a foreign language.

Charlie: Te amo.

Alan: I thought you don't speak Spanish?

Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.

Season 8 Episode 9: "A Good Time in Central Africa"

The world famous shake weight warrants a mention that results in a laugh in this episode. The victim of the punch line is Alan.

Charlie: I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.

Season 8 Episode 8: "Springtime on a Stick"

Another classic quote from season eight is this gem that makes light of the real Charlies proclivities for procuring paid talent for sex.

Jake: I thought you had a date tonight?

Charlie: Not a date. A date experience.

Megan: What's the difference?

Charlie: About $1500.

Season 8 Episode 2: "A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer"

Alan is once again the punch line to another joke early in season eight.Although Alan is the punch line to many of Charlie's digs he is also the perfect straight man for lines much like this.

Charlie: My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.




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